Sorrows of Adoration (63 page)

I smiled at him and
touched his face. “Jarik, this has hardly been a purely sexual
relationship.”

“I know,” he said
quietly, pulling me towards him tightly for a moment. “And not all
of them were either. Not that I compare you to them in any way;
that you must understand. I did not love them. But there were some
that I considered to be good friends.

“There was one woman in
particular who teased me by calling me her ‘plaything’, though I
knew she respected me. She was widowed very young and had spent
many years sampling other men as a result. She was much older than
myself and taught me how to pleasure her in a variety of exotic
fashions.”

I found myself
wondering if that was where he had learned to do what he had done
for me by the lake, but I did not want to interrupt his story with
yet another indecorous question.

“I cared not for any
woman’s station or family name. I cared only for the woman herself,
be she a lady of the court, a daughter of a lord, or a servant
girl. So long as she was pleasant, at least reasonably intelligent,
clean, and, of course, willing to seduce me to her bed, I was
interested. And that’s who I was; that was how I lived, and I
rather liked it.

“Then one evening I
found myself at an old outpost because my dearest friend and cousin
Kurit had fled there in anger over yet another fight with his
meddlesome mother. And in burst this girl, and, my dear, your face
may have been pretty, but you were a mess!” He laughed as he spoke,
as did I. “Your clothes were torn, your hair entangled and even
holding a bit of a dead leaf whipped there by the strong winds,
your entire self dusty from travel and sweating from effort.”

He stopped laughing and
in a serious voice tinged with the sweetness of fond memory said,
“But in your eyes was a fire unlike I had ever before seen in a
woman and only very rarely in men who have been deeply wronged and
were seeking justice. You asked who the Prince was, and, to protect
Kurit in worry that you may have sought to strike at him, I stood
and claimed his name. Of course, you fell to your knees and told us
of what you had heard.

“When you told us how
you had run to us without rest, I was awed by such endurance and
bravery, all for a man you could not even identify. Then, your
story told, the fire left your eyes as your mission was
accomplished and fatigue hit with full force. I saw then in your
eyes not a plea for reward or even help as I expected, but instead
a concern for me, eyes like that of a worried friend, even though
you did not know me. My heart was stolen by that look of concern. I
was touched in a way that I had never before felt or imagined
possible.

“Then you actually
begged our forgiveness for a rude intrusion, and I was in disbelief
that a bedraggled peasant woman could be so brave, so strong, and
so noble as to display such courtesy at such a time.” He looked
deeply into my eyes as he spoke and touched my cheek fondly. “I
know much of this is known to you, but I must explain my thoughts
and feelings.

“Your energy drained
and your body weakened, you turned to the wall beside you for
support and tried to leave instead of looking to us for assistance
as was your right as a woman and as an obviously loyal subject. My
poor Aenna, so weak and yet so noble. You could not find the door.
When I saw that, an aching began in my chest that was utterly
foreign to me. I was compelled to care for you.

“I went to you and
started to lift you, and with your last ounce of strength you told
me to not waste my time on a peasant girl but to leave for the
safety of a friendly town before it was too late, and then you
fainted away in my arms. In that moment, my Aenna, being close to
you, touching you, hearing your brave words, I suddenly understood
the literature and songs that speak of an instant flame of love
that burns in the heart. I was enraptured by everything that you
were, which I shouldn’t have been. What I should have been doing
was doubting you and wondering what trap you might be laying,
trying to get the Prince out in the woods, perhaps having bandits
in ambush.

“I should have been
pondering such possibilities, but I didn’t until much later, when
it would have been too late anyway. For I loved you already, and I
lost all objectivity and sense because I was unprepared to ever
feel that way, especially since, as you have pointed out, I did not
know you. In any objective sense, it was madness to have feelings
for you at all. But the words in my mind were ‘I love this woman’,
and that, to be honest, frightened me.

“Of course as you know,
we decided to leave, knowing that we would be outnumbered and the
threat that you had described could come at any moment. We
considered that perhaps you did not wish to be taken with us, but
we surely could not leave you unconscious there to be slain. So
Kurit and I decided to take you with us and knew that, when
everything was sorted out later, we could ensure that you were
taken anywhere that you wanted to go. But of course, in my mind, I
had no intention of letting you slip through my fingers so easily,”
Jarik said, smiling at me for a brief moment.

“That is when I
realized that I should have been more wary of you. Although I
couldn’t bring myself to disbelieve you, it was my duty to be
certain, so I mounted my horse and searched the area around the
outpost to see if I could lure out any ambush. Of course there was
none, so I returned, found that Kurit had placed you in the cart
with Gilaela, and we left.

“As you know, we
eventually saw the outpost burning and decided to split company
before the assassins could catch up to us. I offered to be a decoy,
and took Kurit’s crested cloak so that anyone who saw me pass would
think it had been the Prince. I had not anticipated that you would
so adamantly refuse to slow me down, especially since Gilaela was
with me anyway. I admit, I was suspicious of you at that moment,
but the sound plan was still for you to think that I was the Prince
and let me ride into whatever ambush you may have had planned.

“When all was said and
done and I returned to the palace days later, I did so with the
hope that you had not yet left. Had you been gone, I would surely
have set off to find you and request the pleasure of knowing you. I
learned you were in the palace when I found Kurit and embraced him,
glad of course to see that he had returned in health. He told me
how one of the assassins had eluded our justice and learned that
they had chased the wrong man, which led the fiend to lie in wait
for his return to Endren. Then he told me how you had once again
saved his life, that time taking a bolt meant for him.

“I was shaken badly by
that, but then he said that you were alive and recovering, and that
Tash had said you seemed healthy and would certainly live. I went
to the chamber where you slept, sat beside your bed, and held your
hand.” Jarik’s eyes grew wistful, and I thought perhaps he might
weep, but he did not. “Your hand, Aenna, I felt that it was rough
with peasant’s work. I told myself that the moment you woke, I
would ask that you would allow me to court you, and if you agreed I
would ensure that you never laboured as a peasant again.”

He lifted my hand to
his lips and kissed it softly. I smiled at him as he continued.

“I wondered if
somewhere you had a family, because for all that we knew, you might
have had a husband somewhere waiting for your return. A small part
of me did fear that you would turn out to be unpleasant or not very
bright or some other such thing, but I could not believe that
anyone who would risk their life as you had could be anything less
than kind and noble. I was desperate to know more about you and
thereafter to pursue you romantically, perhaps even to wed you. I
could not believe that I was thinking such things, but I was. I
knew that I was not the same man I had been before and was
surprised to realize that I did not regret the change.

“I sat there for some
time. Eventually, Kurit entered and asked quietly if you were not a
remarkable woman. Of course, I agreed, and on the edge of my breath
was an admission that I was enchanted by you and intended to court
you. Then Kurit told me that he had pledged his love to you and
that he intended to ask you to be his bride.”

Jarik’s face fell.
“Kurit continued to speak, I think perhaps telling me the tale of
how you both had unexpectedly fallen in love on your journey, but I
heard none of it. There was a rushing sound in my ears, and it took
all that I had not to lose my temper to frustration and pain. Had
he been any other man, I would have challenged him on the spot to
fight for your love, even though I had no reason to think that you
would even desire me. I know, it’s perfectly ridiculous, yet still
the truth.

“But this man who said
he had won your heart was my cousin, my dearest friend, and my
Prince to whom I was loyal in all things. So I said nothing as he
told the tale. I simply sat there as that new self I had become was
crushed into nothingness. What was left was not the man I had been
before but yet another man, determined to do my duty by my Prince
and now future Princess. I knew that the only way I could endure
the heartache and resentment would be to love you as the wife of my
cousin and perhaps, in time, as a friend. It occurred to me that,
as a Princess, you would require a Champion, and I knew then and
there that that role would be mine to claim.

“I had thought that my
yearning for you would fade, since it was in fact an infatuation
based on scant knowledge and your pretty face. I assumed that once
you settled into a life with Kurit, my head would sort itself out
and I would once again become the man I had been before knowing
you. But that did not happen. I became increasingly obsessed with
you as time went on. Your goodness, your sharp mind, and all of
your other qualities validated my love. My desire for you has yet
to relent.”

Jarik pulled me close
to him and stroked my hair gently. “When I searched for you after
you’d been stolen away from us, I felt a most terrible emptiness. I
longed for a woman that I knew I could never have. I felt a
heart-wrenching guilt, for I knew that I had failed you as a
Champion. Oh, I know you shall tell me I did not fail you, but I
did. I was not watching you when I should have been, and that was
deliberate. I had begun to think improper thoughts of you on a
nightly basis, and I was ashamed. By the very Temple, you were
carrying my cousin’s child, and all I could think of was taking you
to my bed! I avoided you when the guilt overcame me, as it had that
night. That’s why I went to listen in on the Council—not because I
gave a whit as to what those arrogant lords had to say, but because
I was too guilt-ridden from my lust to be near you when Kurit was
downstairs.

“And so as I searched
for you, I had to cope with the knowledge that it was my vile lust
that had allowed this to happen to you, albeit indirectly. I
thought many times of taking my own life, for I felt dishonoured
and thought that only the punishment of death could restore some
semblance of my honour. As I rode, I could not help but imagine
what vile predicaments and unspeakable tortures you were enduring.
It was only the thought of you in pain that held back my suicidal
hand. The notion that somewhere you might be praying for your
Champion to rescue you kept me going. I could not let you down out
of my own selfish need to die.”

He kissed my head
several times and sighed unhappily. “When you tried to take your
own life, Aenna, I was horrified to know you had felt like that. I
have known that pain, and it breaks my heart to know that you have
suffered it. It tears at me to know that you felt that alone. That
is why I am here with you now, though it costs me my honour as a
cousin, friend, and subject to your husband to do so. It is more
important to me that you know you are loved, that you are needed,
and that you must never feel so empty and alone again. And I shall
hold you every night until we return to Endren, if that is what you
desire.”

His mention of the fact
that we were betraying Kurit filled me with guilt, but I again
managed to push the feeling aside. I needed what he was giving me
too much to taint it with guilty tears. I needed those arms wrapped
around me. I needed his love, and I needed very much to give him
love in return. Right or wrong, I knew that I’d slip back into my
mad depression without him.

Yet I could not stop
myself from asking, “And what shall we do when we return to
Endren?”

Jarik relaxed his
embrace so that he could once again look at my eyes. “I don’t know,
Aenna. That depends on Kurit. I wish I could look into the future
for you, that I could use that knowledge to protect you from all
harm to body and soul, but I cannot. All I can do is promise that I
won’t let him hurt you any more, and that I will not come between
you if he is capable once again of loving you as he should.”

I lifted my head from
his arm to kiss his mouth tenderly. It was a short kiss, just to
tell him that I loved and appreciated him. Then I snuggled back
into his embrace and drifted into a troubled sleep.

FOR THE SHORT time
remaining of our stay at the cottage, Jarik held me every night
until I slept. Eventually he would quietly return to his own room,
always afraid of being found with me in the morning. To be honest,
though, I think everyone in that household except Raelik knew that
something was afoot between Jarik and myself. Thankfully, they
seemed to keep their tongues still about it.

When my bruise had
healed and there was no longer any clear reason to remain at the
cottage, I sent word to Endren that we would return home. I
specifically requested that both royal coaches be sent under the
guise of having too many people and too much luggage for one coach.
Though that was not entirely false, the real motive behind my
request was to spend a few more hours alone with Jarik.