Sorrows of Adoration (65 page)

“After several dunkings
in a bath to wash the filth and vomit and dungeon stench from me, I
slept. When I awoke, Tash force-fed me a bitter gruel while Cael
watched, stone-faced. By the next day, I was coherent enough to
speak with him.

“I told him everything,
Aenna. Every morbid thought, every misdeed, every paranoid
delusion, everything.” Kurit sighed again and rubbed his forehead
with both hands.

“And what did he say?”
I asked.

Kurit chuckled
unpleasantly. “Oh, Aenna, he was furious. Absolutely furious. He
said he had known there were problems. He said that you had come to
him in tears for assistance but that he had thought you to be
overly anxious. He cursed and berated me for some time and then
cursed himself for giving you what he now saw as foolish advice,
though he would not tell me what that advice was.

“Then finally he sat
back down and told me the only remnant of my honour was my desire
to set things right. We spoke at great length, well into the night,
of what had gone wrong in my mind. I bared my soul to him in a very
unmanly manner, I admit, and he helped me to understand the tricks
my own mind was playing on me.”

“Cael is a wise man,” I
said.

“That he is. He is to
the mind what Tash is to the body. A physician of thoughts, if you
will. He helped me to realize that I was angry with you. I had been
telling myself that I was not, even when I acted as though I was.”
He stood and shook his head and hands. “No, wait. I’m not making
any sense. Let me start from the beginning.

“You were taken from
me. After the first few days, I believed you to be dead. I couldn’t
imagine that anyone would have taken you away and not demanded some
sort of ransom unless they intended to kill you. I suppose that’s
why I didn’t really suspect Sashken—I could have imagined her doing
cruel things to you, but killing you? That was too much to
believe.

“I could not fathom
that a woman with child—even a strong one such as yourself—could
survive any ordeal for long. So I grieved for you. I grieved madly,
furiously. I broke things. I screamed out your name in the night. I
did not behave as a man, and though I was shamed by my ridiculous
behaviour, I was unable to stop myself.

“But the brutal part of
it began to subside over the weeks and gave way to a very quiet
loneliness. I slept most of the days and sat alone in darkness by
night. I laid myself in your bed and held your pillows. I was not
over the loss of you—not the least bit—but I became quiet and
forlorn in my grief.

“Then suddenly, there
you were, and with my son in your arms! Aenna, I was ecstatic! I
thought my every prayer had been answered. For those first few
hours, my mind was filled with delight and joy. Then the gravity of
your situation struck me. By the Gods, you were so thin and so
weakened. It broke my heart. And then to hear you tell of what you
had suffered, Aenna, it was as if my very soul was torn from
me.

“For I knew that you
had suffered while I grieved. As I wept pathetically in my soft
bed, you rescued yourself. I should have rescued you or at least
tried harder than I did. And so again I grieved for you. I grieved
at first for what you had endured, but then the grieving became as
it had been before you returned.”

Kurit paced, looking at
his hands as he spoke. “I know it’s mad, but I was still grieving
your death while you stood living before my very eyes. And madder
still,” he said, chuckling wryly, “is that somehow I managed to
resent you as an interruption to my mourning. It was only when I
spoke of these things to Cael that I realized how absurd my
thoughts were.

“You must understand
that it’s not that I wished you dead. Truly, that’s not what it was
at all. I loved you as much as I always had, and I love you still.
I was angry with you for things that were not your fault, such as
surviving despite my grief. I was angry that you had the strength
to rescue yourself. Then I became angry because while I wallowed
away my hours in misery, scantily hidden by matters of state and
copious quantities of alcohol, you lived. I was barely alive, and
you lived. You raised my son. You laughed with Jarik and your
friends that worked with you on your marketplace. And the
marketplace! Aenna, I seethed with anger and jealousy that I was
drowning myself in drink while you were rebuilding Endren!

“Somewhere in my mind
lurked the knowledge that you were undeserving of my anger. But
instead of dealing with that truth rationally, I convinced myself I
was angry at you for trivial things. For an interruption while I
was supposedly concentrating. For whatever reason my mother gave
me.” He laughed again and said, “Can you believe, I even convinced
myself you were having a love affair with Jarik, just so I could
justify my anger towards you?”

I suppressed a shudder
by digging my fingernails into my palms.

“And as for my mother…”
He smiled wryly and shook his head, his hands on his hips. “She
certainly did not help matters. I would be furious at her for
belittling you but unable to coherently refute her because I was
feeding on her hateful words to justify my own madness. But I grew
angry with her nonetheless for her vehemence against you. I could
not confront her, though. Throughout my entire life, Aenna, I have
wanted to just …” Kurit clenched his fists and snarled. Then
he dropped himself sadly in a chair and put his face in his hands
for a moment. “But I could not speak to her as I wanted to. I could
not send her away. She is, after all, my mother, and what sort of
wretched son would I be if I defied her so?

“
So I took my
anger for her out on you. I was deliberately cruel, Aenna. I admit
that now. Yes, I apologized for it, and I suppose I was sorry, but
I was not
sorry for
having intended it. Because I did intend it, almost every time.
Being cruel to you was the only sense of control and power I felt.
My mother worked me as though I were her puppet. The Council paid
me heed only out of civic duty and not of respect. The people loved
you and only you. And as for you, you could barely tolerate me at
that point. Understandably so, perhaps, but that didn’t ease the
feeling of powerlessness.

“Ah, but when I was
cruel to you and saw the pain in your eyes, I knew that I had power
over you, and I liked it. I’m a miserable wretch for it, but I must
be honest with you, because Cael advised that I must be honest in
all things henceforth, and I consider that sound advice indeed. I
took a certain pleasure in lashing out at you, and then I would
loathe myself for it hours later. And the more I loathed myself,
the angrier I was at you for being so much more than what I was. On
it went, doubling back on itself again and again.”

He rose from his chair
and went to the table across the room where there stood a pitcher
and glasses. I was so used to his reach for alcohol that I wasn’t
even surprised by his move until I realized he was pouring water.
He looked at me to offer me a glass as well, but I shook my head at
him. I knew I was still too unstable to hold anything that might
fall and break. I just watched as he took his water and sat back
down.

“Cael was enormous help
in these things. And to go further, he ensured that all alcohol was
removed permanently from any room that I frequented and ordered
that it was never again to be served to me at a meal. Though I must
admit, I was so determined in my guilt to not become a drunkard
again that the only time I was even tempted to seek that particular
escape was, in fact, last night when I was informed that you would
return today. I trembled nervously for hours and almost paced a
path through the rug in my bedchamber. I was so afraid that you
would return only long enough to say you were leaving Endren
permanently.”

Kurit looked at me
sheepishly. “I’m still afraid of that, though I would understand it
and not blame you in the least. Cael has offered for you to live in
Staelorn, if you do not wish to remain with me in Endren. Or, if
you wish me to go, he has said I am welcome there as well. These
things are entirely up to you. I shall do whatever you ask,
Aenna.”

I wondered if I was as
pale as I felt. I had not even considered sending him away, and my
only thoughts of leaving had been to go with Jarik if Kurit had not
changed, which clearly he had. My insides quivering, I managed to
stammer, “I don’t want to leave. I don’t want you to leave
either.”

He nodded and smiled,
though he did not look relieved. “I’m glad, Aenna. Thank you for
that. But I have to tell you that you’re free to change your mind
on that. If you feel that I do not properly earn back your trust,
you must feel free to send me away, despite any sense of civic duty
you may have. I offered long ago to give up my crown for you, and I
meant it. In my repentance now, I would effectively do so again.
I’d go and only keep the title to preserve the nation.”

“Your mother wouldn’t
hear of it,” I blurted angrily and then promptly wished I could
grab the words out of the air and stuff them back into my foolish
mouth.

Kurit, however, did not
appear angry. In fact, he laughed a little and said, “My mother is
no longer a concern. I spoke with her two days after my long talk
with Cael. I intended to reason with her, to tell her sincerely
that she was hurting me more than you with her vehemence. But do
you know what she did? Before I could even speak, she began to spew
her venom and tell me how very improper it was of you to go running
off in the night on some sudden vacation. Of course, she did not
know that I had harmed you. The only people in the palace who knew
of that were Cael and myself. She muttered about how scandalous it
was for you to run off with Jarik and accused you of being in his
bed.”

Again I put my
fingernails into my palms. A shudder took me nonetheless, and Kurit
saw it. He rose and came to my side, his eyes filled with a tender
concern that I had not seen in a very long time. “Aenna, don’t be
upset. I didn’t believe her. In fact, I became furious with her,
and it was not the fiery wrath you have seen between us before. It
was a deep and cold anger, and I told her in a very low tone that I
had had enough of her words. I actually told her to close her
wretched mouth, if you can believe it.”

He stood and began
pacing again. “She was stunned, of course. I said, ‘Keep your mouth
closed from now on where Aenna is concerned. She is my wife, and
whether or not you approve, she is your Queen.’ I told her that I
wouldn’t listen to her hateful words any more, and that if I ever
heard her speak against you again, I’d banish her from Endren, if
not from all of Keshaerlan.”

Kurit looked at me
seriously and said, “Her face went dead, and she swept herself out
of the parlour. I have barely seen her since. She keeps herself in
her chambers at most times. I don’t think she’ll ever bother you
again, Aenna.

“I expected to feel a
horrible guilt for speaking to her that way, as I usually do after
fighting her. But you know, Aenna, I didn’t. I felt almost joyous,”
he said, laughing. “I felt relieved of a great burden. The thought
of having to make good on my threat made me queasy, but having told
her to close her mouth—do you know how many times I have wanted to
say that? In my life, hundreds, nay, thousands! And never before
have I done so. It was the most liberating experience of my life! I
knew then that I had the strength to make things right, and with
Cael’s help, I have spent the remainder of your time away seeking
to do just that.

“I began going outside
at Cael’s suggestion. I walked in your marketplace and smiled
longingly at your statue. The sun hurt my eyes at first, but it
felt good on my skin. I began to feel alive again and eager to see
you.”

Kurit smiled at me
lovingly, just as he used to, so long before the madness. I almost
wept at the sight, both in relief and sadness for time lost.
“Aenna, I love you. I have missed you, and not merely these past
few weeks. I have missed living with you. I have been foolish, and
while some things may have been outside of my control, others were
not, and I owe you a great deal of kindness and affection for what
I have put you through.”

He came to my side and
tentatively reached out a trembling hand to touch my cheek. When I
felt the warmth of his palm, I was overcome with too many emotions,
and tears flowed forth from my eyes.

Kurit knelt beside my
chair and whispered, “Please, no more tears. I cannot bear to make
you cry anymore. If this is too much for you, I can leave—”

“No!” I said louder
than I intended. I shook my head and said in a lower volume, “No.
Please, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to weep like this—it’s just that
it’s all so much.” I began wiping the tears away brusquely.

“Let me, please,” he
said gently as he brushed his fingertips softly on my cheeks. By
the Gods, his eyes, his touch—it was as if he had woken from the
dead and come to rescue me from his wretched self. It felt as
though I was falling in love with him again, though I had not
ceased loving him before. The intensity of it drove me to further
tears, and as usual, I cursed myself inwardly for them.

“I can’t keep up this
way, Aenna. May I hold you?” he asked.

I nodded. We rose, and
I fell into his waiting arms. In the same instant I experienced
both joy at his touch and horror to know that I had betrayed him in
his cousin’s embrace. I felt for several minutes that I might be
ill, so I held my breath as much as I could in order to settle my
stomach.

“It was my greatest
fear that I had killed your affection for me,” he whispered as he
kissed the top of my head.

“Kurit,” I said weakly,
“if I had been able to stop loving you, the pain of everything
after that would have been negligible. “