Sounds of Yesterday (9 page)

I run to the front entrance of this awful high school and I thank my shitty stars for the school police to be doing something else other than watching guard.

My book bag is in my locker but I have everything I need with me in my back pocket. Someone can grab my things later. I can’t be here. Not anymore.

I grab my phone from my back pocket and call my brother.

“What?” he answers, annoyed. He was probably sleeping.

“I need you,” I cry.
Help me! Save me. Be my brother.
I want to be a little girl again and hide behind him whenever we went outside. I want to be safe and never have to deal with the ugliness of people.

“I’m coming. Where are you? School?” he asks, his attitude doing a one-eighty. And this is why I love my brother. He’d do anything for me.

“Running to you.”

I hang up and push myself to run home. Declan will see me because I know his route. He always takes the same streets. I run for ten minutes, my legs protesting this unwanted exercise.

Declan’s blue Nissan makes a turn down the street I’m currently on so I stop and hold my sides. Everything hurts. Everything burns.

I deserve it for what I’m going to do. What I
want
to do.

He hits the brakes when he sees me and I get into his car. “Did someone hurt you? What happened?!” His blue eyes look me up and down, panicked. His white t-shirt is wrinkled and his hair is all messed up. He was sleeping but from how alert he is right now, you wouldn’t have guessed it.

I screw my eyes shut and sink into his seat.

“I’m done with this suffocating city. I will die if I stay a minute longer.”

Five months later...

“This is so exciting!” Sophie squeals walking into our new dorm room. She kicks off her flip-flops and throws her hair into a ponytail. “I feel like a new person.” She’s all smiles and bouncing around but I know her; deep down she misses home. If she stops finding things to be excited about, I’ll have a very depressed friend who might ditch me soon.

“Soph, you really didn’t have to come here.” I love her for it but it was a last minute decision. She missed me too much and decided to enroll in U Miami instead of where Zach was going. She should go to a school she
wants
to be in.

Sophie places a hand on her hip and pouts at me. “You don’t want me? Well, now I feel like some reject who followed her best friend across the country.”

“It’s technically just the East Coast.” My lips curl into a smirk when she narrows her eyes at me.

“Whatever.” She walks up to me and hugs me. Not too long but enough for it to be comfortable. I’m getting used to hugs. I’ve only tried them on people I know so it’s not much of an accomplishment but it’s a start. Hugging strangers is completely weird. It should stop. Just saying.

After I left Boston, I moved to Florida. Finishing up high school took a little longer than planned but I graduated. That’s what counts. I left all my worries, all my fears, and all my pain back in Massachusetts. Here, no one knows who I am (I think), what happened, and most of all, no one tormented me to the point of possibly committing murder…or suicide.

I’ve learned a lot about myself being on my own for this period of time. I relied on myself and I feel like I grew. Both mentally and physically. I had to stop being babied. I was fragile but I’m not anymore.

Mom was…Mom. She cried, she got angry with me, she apologized, and then she helped me move. I call and text Mom and Declan everyday. They knew I was okay.

And I was.

I
am
.

Moving to the Sunshine State in late March was the best thing I could do. I needed space. I needed to learn how to be me. I needed to find help and do things…on my own.

Sophie didn’t talk to me the first week I left home. She was angry how I left without a word and ignored everyone who tried to contact me. Leaving her hurt as bad as leaving my family. I wanted to tell her where I was going but I knew she wouldn’t have kept it quiet.

After I left school, I was in Florida the same week. I couldn’t stay in Brookline. School was in Boston and the rape was in Brookline. I needed to be away from all of it. I stuffed a bag with the essentials and Mom set everything up with an ex-boyfriend of hers who lives here. They’ve kept in touch so it wasn’t weird. He’s the only boyfriend I approved of and I kind of think having him help me was the universe’s way of finally giving me something good. I had to wait for all my paperwork to be completed so for a few weeks, I was adjusting to my new life in a new state.

Zach kept me updated on Alex for the first few days. I didn’t want to know anything because then it’d feel like the old me. The one I left behind in that state. The one who feels like complete shit for giving him hope and then leaving.

The last update that I did read about Alex was, ‘I’ve never seen him like this, Em. It’s like…nobody’s home. He’s vacant.’ I couldn’t sleep for a week thinking of doing that to him. Then I made my brain lock up anything Alex related and I finally slept. I cried for days but I slept. Blocking him from everything in my life was necessary.

Living in a one-bedroom apartment with a single mom, Sally, of three as my landlord (who lived beside me) made for some sleepless nights. Mom’s ex, Charlie is the uncle of those three like munchkins so it’s not like I could really complain either. But I was fine with the noise. It reminded me of my childhood. It reminded me of Mom and Declan.

Charlie owns a smoothie place not too far from the campus so he let me work there for a few hours everyday while I got set up to the my new lifestyle. My rent was cheap too when I volunteered to babysit Scarlett, Michael, and Lawrence whenever needed.

Life worked out for me.

It got me to smile a few times before I fell asleep.

“Can we go explore the campus now?” Soph asks, grabbing a new pair of shorts. It’s so hot and moving things into this place means we’re sweaty. Soph can’t handle being dirty. Our room is air-conditioned, I have no idea why she wants to go back out into the heat willingly. “It’s too beautiful to stay inside.”

Fiiiiiiine.

“When is Zach coming?” He’s visiting before school starts next month in September.

I zip open my suitcase and take out a clean pair of black shorts and a pink tank top. I change into them quickly before I think of finding something that covers more skin. My choice of clothes is all Sophie’s doing. She came down here a few times during the school year and summer to see what life was like for me. My clothes were either too long or too dark. I needed happy colors. And leave it Soph to help me find happy colors.

“Ummm…he should be here now.” Sophie checks her phone and the mega-watt smile is all I see. “He’s downstairs!” She strips free of her old clothes and throws on clean ones. “Are you ready?” Her wide green eyes are kind of creeping me out. She’s really excited about this. I don’t know how she’ll be when he has to leave.

“I’ll meet you downstairs.” She needs to see Zach more than I do. Might as well, she gets there first. She kisses my cheek then runs out. I’ll feel like the third wheel tonight but they insisted on me coming with.

I sit down on my bed, eyeing the bright yellow comforter. I picked this one out and it still makes me cringe. It’s so bright that I know it’ll hurt my eyes when I wake up in the morning.

I look left at Sophie’s bed, covered in a bright pink comforter with neon green pillows. Our beds are up against the wall with the windows. I thought we’d sleep normally, our feet separated by two feet of space in between our vertically placed beds but Sophie declared we sleep with our heads at the foot of the bed, just in case we want to braid each other’s hair in the middle of the night.

She knows I’m lazy and make her do it for me so I agreed.

I grab my phone and dial Mom’s number, I get her voicemail. “You might be boarding now so just checking in. We’re finally settled in.”
Deep breaths.
“I’m excited for this, Mom. It’s…different. Thank you for not killing me when I decided to come here.”

I press the red button on my screen and smile at the picture of Mom doing the Exorcist look. I miss my mom and brother but they literally left me two hours ago, along with Sophie’s parents. They cried so I cried. It’s hard seeing them and having to let them go. Once was hard enough.

I look around our shared room and then stand, stepping into the space between our beds so I can look out of my window. This campus is beautiful. The housing is stunning with Lake Osceola directly on the eastern side of Eaton, our new home. I love this building! It’s so bright and happy. Our room needs some work before it looks more like us but it’s something new. We’ll make some good memories here.

I turn and start walking toward the door to leave. I pass my digital piano taking up most of the space on my side and I smile. It’s been awhile since music moved me again and I’m determined to keep this feeling. I will never go back to wanting to be alone in silence.

I walk by the shared bathroom and try not to think of our neighbors in it. Sophie and I share this room, two other people share the room beside us, and we
all
share the bathroom. I just hope they’re clean people. Nothing sucks more than having dirty people live with you.

Knowing who I am, I’ll probably never meet the roommates. I’m still wary of meeting new people. That part of me is still around and will take some time acknowledging.

I head out and walk down the hallway toward the elevator. We’re on the third floor and I’m lazy so I need the extra help. Some people are walking back and forth, bringing things into their rooms. I try not to spy but I’m nosy and want to see who is going to be living on this floor.

The elevator doors creak open and I hesitate stepping in.
Screw it.
I cross my arms over my chest when there’s nothing else I can do but walk in and wait for the doors to close.

My phone dings in my back pocket. I reach for it, my brows furrowing when I read Sophie’s text.

Sophie: Please don’t hate me!!!!!

Someone walks into the elevator and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I’m assaulted with the smell of cologne that I haven’t smelled in five months but my brain acts like it was just yesterday. I feel his arms around me, and the way his lips brushed my neck. I also remember the pain I felt, leaving him behind.

I look up and find sad hazel eyes staring back at me.

No.

I take a step to get off the elevator but the doors decide to close, leaving me trapped in an elevator with the guy who probably, most definitely hates me.

The elevator starts to go down.

He stays on the opposite side of me and I don’t know whether I should smile or scream.

My heart beats faster.

My breaths grow quicker.

My eyes drop down and I see a Cane Card ID, the University of Miami student card, in his hands. My hands curl into fists.
He did not do what I think he did!

“You’re supposed to be at Princeton.” The words come out angry, hard. I’ve never spoken to him that way. Ever.

Alex cocks his head at me. Everything about him is familiar except the look in his eyes. They’re so sad. So hopeless. His baby blue t-shirt makes looking at him even harder. He knows how much I love blue. His black shorts hang low on his hips and I can’t help but think that he fits in here. In Florida. He needs to lose the shirt, grab some RayBans, and he’ll find a group of hot guys he can befriend. I’m so stereotyping but mostly all of the guys I’ve seen entering this building have sexy bodies, and expensive watches.

“You promised you were going to wait for me,” he replies, running a hand through his hair, taking a step toward me.

My hand shoots out and I stab the button for the lobby a few times. I need this elevator to let me out right now or I will possibly die. “Leave me alone, Alex. Go. Home.”

He steps closer but not too close. He lets me know I have my space. I hate him for it. He knows me,
what happened
, he’ll always be cautious. I left because I want to forget what happened. I don’t want to be babied. Alex will never sneak up behind me anymore. He’ll never grab me, kiss me hard, and do whatever he wants to me. He’ll never treat me the way he did
before
.

“If you think I’m giving up on you, you have no idea who I am.” The elevator stops but the doors don’t open. “You’re not someone I can leave behind, Emily. It’s pointless to push me away.” I feel his warmth radiate off his body. I feel the pull. It’s like we’ve never separated.

“This is not normal, Alex! You can’t show up at
my
college, in
my
dorm building, and act like this is okay. We dated for a
month
.” I say the words harshly but I don’t mean them. We were a real couple for a month but we were together for six. We had something. He never left me.

I
left him.

My vision blurs as tears pool in my eyes. I’ve always thought about the people who left me and how I felt about it. I became one of them when I turned my back on my old life. When I turned my back on Alex.

“You’re acting like a creepy ex-boyfriend!” I blurt words as I hit the button to open the doors repeatedly because this is ridiculous.
Why is it taking so long?!

Alex takes another step and lifts his hand to my cheek. I screw my eyes shut when I feel his soft caress. “I hate to see you cry.”
I hate crying.
“Can I hug you?”
Don’t ask me!

“No.” My body is not currently wired to my brain, I feel my arms wrap around his strong body. “I hate you. Why are you here?” I rest my head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. It’s music to my ears. It soothes the raging storms within me.

This is what he does to me. I’ve missed it. I’ve longed for it.

I was okay with not having it anymore.

“I can’t stop thinking of you. You invade every thought, every feeling,
everything
. I can’t…I can’t just let you go.” His fingers slide into my hair and he holds me.

How can he be so calm? Why isn’t he yelling at me? I left him. He should hate me.

The elevator doors open then, breaking his hypnotizing spell.

I push away from his embrace and wipe my eyes.

Sophie and Zach are staring at us like I might end their lives for this.

I’m thinking about it.

“You got into the broken elevator.” She rips a piece of paper taped to the wall and shows me. “Don’t you read signs?”
Yeah, because I was down here to see it.
I didn’t pay attention to any signs when we were moving in. It was so hot, I just wanted to get everything inside. It’s the beginning of August and this temperature is normal. I was a Boston girl, I still need time to adjust.