Spank: The Improbable Adventures of George Aloysius Brown (20 page)

It took the best part of a week to get everyone together.

Telling Ryan had been the tricky part. But when I told him we were going to push for a generous financial settlement he was happy. I also think he saw it as an opportunity for us to get back together. He phoned me nearly every day, the last time when I was getting ready to go to the meeting.

"
I knew that woman had been watching us, remember that Latin phrase she threw at us. Who knew the Latin for spanking is spankus.
"

"
It isn
'
t, but never mind. You
'
re right, we should have guessed what she
'
d been up to. What else do you remember?
"

"
I remember we were having a great time until that old…
"

"
Ryan, can you get your mind off what we were doing and concentrate on what we are going to do now?
"

"
Okay, okay. Have you seen the footage?
"

"
I don
'
t need to.
"

"
We could watch it together.
"
I could see him grinning wickedly over the telephone.

"
Ryan, you
'
re not helping. See you at 3 p.m. I gotta go.
"

Two hours later and a taxi ride across town,
Nan
and I walked into the office of Gimble J. Hemmings. The big man climbed laboriously to his feet, extended an oversized paw and looked me up and down like a Sotheby
'
s auctioneer appraising a particularly fine piece of Royal Dalton china.

"
Pleased to meet you,
"
he said, although I don
'
t think he really was.
"
Don
'
t think me rude, ladies, but can
'
t we discuss this matter without our lawyers present.
"

"
Precisely why we
'
re here,
"
said
Nan
.
"
I
'
m her grandmother, not her lawyer, although I
'
m looking after her interests in this matter. I believe that with the help of an arbitrator we can settle this between ourselves. What do you say, Gimble? Shall we give it a try?
"

He paused to bring to his thought processes the full extent of his considerable duplicity. After all, George Aloysius Brown owed him a favor. Now that couldn
'
t hurt his cause could it?

"
No
'
arm tryin
'
,
Nan
,
"
he responded at length.
"
Anything to get this sorted and get filmin
'
back on schedule. And as far as an arbitrator is concerned I know just the man for the job. Ex-civil servant, used to work in dispute resolution, sensible bloke, straight as an arrow.
"
Gimble opened the door to an adjoining office.
"
George, you busy? Can you join us for a minute? You too, Geraldine. Bring some chairs.
"

For a moment, I was gobsmacked. George Aloysius Brown, my literary partner, trapped like a fly in a pornographic spider web, although I could only imagine he was here for research purposes. In any event I thought it prudent to act as if I didn
'
t know him and he had reached the same conclusion. We nodded politely to one other and shook hands like strangers.

As for Geraldine, her ladyship, the J.Arthur Rank of the bird watching set, what she did was unforgiveable
and I was about to give her both barrels, when I felt Nan
'
s elbow nudge my ribs.

"
A simple hello will suffice, dear.
"

"
Hello, Geraldine,
"
I said.

"
Nice to meet you, Lady Warmington,
"
said
Nan
.
"
It
'
s a small world, isn
'
t it? I went to school with your mother.
"

After pointing out that the disputing parties would have to sign off on any agreement and absolve him of future liability, George agreed to undertake the role of arbitrator.

"
I
'
m also resigning from any role I might play in the movie to eliminate possible conflict of interest.
"
He
'
d been looking for an out. Catherine kept her head down, wondering if she also was a conflict of interest.

"
Wotever,
"
said Gimble.
"
Can we just get on with it?
"

And so they did and the following is a partial transcript of proceedings subsequently made available to all parties.

Arbitrator: I will briefly outline the situation as I understand it. Last June 14 on the banks of the River Cam in the
county
of
Cambridgeshire
, Ryan Donovan and Catherine Mallory Jones, students of
Cambridge
University
, were engaged in a certain activity….

Gimble: Objection.

Arbitrator: Go ahead.

Gimble: What activity?
For the record, it needs to be stated what they were doing.

Arbitrator: Very well, Ryan was spanking Catherine.

Gimble: Thank you.

Ryan: No, thank me. Thank both of us really…

Catherine: Shut up, Ryan.

Arbitrator:
While the couple were involved in said activity they were filmed, allegedly without their knowledge or permission, by Lady Geraldine Warmington, of Warmington Manor in the
county
of
Sussex
, who apparently was bird watching in the area.

Geraldine: Objection.

Arbitrator: What is it?

Geraldine: I wasn
'
t
'
apparently
'
doing anything. I
was
bird watching, specifically I was looking for the blue winged marbled fly catcher. This young couple, without my permission, intruded into my viewfinder.

Catherine: Excuse me. Am I missing something here?
Don
'
t birds live in trees?

Geraldine: Usually, yes.

Catherine:
Well, what were you filming?
Worms
? My bottom was six inches off the ground.

Ryan: Objection: I would say it was more like 12-inches. I had you nicely elevated….

Catherine:
Shut up, Ryan.

Arbitrator: Order please. What is not in dispute is that approximately 15-minutes of video footage was taken of Catherine and Ryan and that video is now in the hands of Eldercare Video Productions Inc., represented by Mr. Hemmings here, which intends to incorporate it into a commercial production.

Nan
Burton
: Over my dead body. Without our permission, they can
'
t do it. Last time I looked the rights of citizens were protected by privacy laws.

Gimble: Not if they can
'
t be identified. Young Ryan
'
s got his back to the camera and Catherine
'
ere is face down.
'
Oos to say it
'
s them.
It could be anybody?

Nan
Burton
: You forget, I
'
ve seen the video. My granddaughter can be clearly identified by the tattoo above her bottom.

Gimble: Oh right. And
'
ow many other people
'
ave seen it?
Shall we make a list?

Catherine: Objection!

Arbitrator: Sustained.

Nan
Burton
: Well, I bought it for her. I
'
ve seen it.
And under the law that
'
s sufficient.

Ryan: If you show us the video, I could identify it too.

Catherine: Objection.

Ryan: Yeah, like you didn
'
t object at the time, did you? You were so hot for it…

Arbitrator: Order, please.
Ryan, that
'
s irrelevant. Ms. Burton, I believe you have a compromise suggestion.

Nan
Burton
: Gimble, this video is worth a fortune, wouldn
'
t you say? The best amateur spanking ever filmed. Those were your words, were they not?

Gimble: It
'
s good stuff, I admit that.

Ryan: I also have a suggestion We could do a studio re-enactment, Catherine over my knee, hide the tattoo, of course. It wouldn
'
t have quite the same spontaneity, but you could shoot some artsy slow motion footage, that sort of thing.

Catherine:
Ryan?

Ryan: What?

Catherine: We could also
get a slow-mo of me kicking you in the nuts.

Arbitrator: Can we stay on the topic, please?

Nan
Burton
: Fact is, this video is worth its weight in gold, isn
'
t it Gimble?

Gimble:
'
Ow much,
Nan
?

Nan
Burton
: Forty thousand pounds.

Gimble: Thirty – and we digitally remove the tattoo.

Nan
Burton
: Thirty five and we forget about suing.

Gimble:
Christ, George, you
'
re the arbitrator, what do you say?
These people are bleedin
'
me dry.

Arbitrator: It
'
s not in my mandate to offer an opinion. This is about money. Both sides agree compensation will have to be paid. The question is how much are you prepared to offer and how much are they willing to accept?

Nan
: You
'
ve heard our bottom line.

Ryan: Can I say something?

Everybody: No!

Gimble was doing some mental calculations: a bestseller would be 50,000 copies at $24.99 each. Apparently, my bottom being spanked would send sales into orbit. I could see him breathe a sigh of resignation.

"
Okay, it
'
s a deal.
"

To the general disapproval of family and friends, I accepted a job as a copy writer for the international advertising agency, Maddox Matrix Addison Camberwell in their head office on the
Cromwell Road
and I
'
m sitting at my cubicle on a Monday morning when the boss, Julian Maddox, drops a brochure on my desk.
"
Have a look at this,
"
he says.
"
Not our usual type of client, I admit, but a six figure enterprise looking to rebrand for the U.S
.
market and apparently willing to pay for it.
"

For a minute I imagine he is having me on. The brochure, crudely produced on a home computer, is headed:
'
Canes for Punishment
'
.

What is this, some sort of joke?

I flush, suddenly angry, memories of R.C. Montgomery in a monk
'
s robe in his study at the
Chiltern Hills
Academy
and me with the headmaster
'
s cane in my hands. I jump to my feet.
"
Look, Julian, if you
'
re having some sort of a joke at my expense I don
'
t think it
'
s….
"
He interrupts me.
"
It
'
s not a joke, Catherine. This is business, but if you don
'
t feel comfortable taking it on, I quite understand. This one
'
s going to need sensitivity and creativity, which is why I think you
'
re right for the job.
At the moment, the principal is a one woman business, but she
'
s taking on a franchise partner in
California
and is aiming to sell into the
Los Angeles
area. Got to be a market there I should think. Anyway, be a pet. Go see her. Get a feel – sorry get a sense – of what she
'
s selling and come up with something that will appeal to the
Hollywood
set. This is for her website.
"
He smiles mischievously.
"
On my desk by Friday. Or is that over my desk on Friday? Sorry.
"
He ducks around the corner to avoid the
Thesaurus
I am about to launch at his head, and leaves me alone with my thoughts.