Speak Its Name: A Trilogy (7 page)

Hugo shook his head affectionately. “To offer all that... it’s like a pearl beyond price and you’re casting it before a swine like me.”

Edward reached up, stroked Hugo’s cheek. “You are not, never have been, a swine. You’re the first friend I ever had, the only person here who had sought to be truly kind to me and not take any opportunity to gull me. You’re kindness itself, young man, and I will not hear you degrading yourself.”

Hugo chuckled, letting all his hurt and nervousness dissipate into further laughter. “You sound like my great uncle giving me a lecture on losing my temper on the golf course.
Young man
, indeed.” He caressed Edward’s face, savouring the feel of the smooth skin beneath his trembling fingers. “You’re the pearl beyond price yourself, or the nearest equivalent I’ll ever meet walking the cloisters of this college, if not the face of the entire earth.”

Edward leant forwards and gently kissed his friend’s brow before the man had a chance to pull back or react. “I can’t believe this is wrong, Hugo, any of it. It doesn’t hurt anyone. For goodness sake, we’re pulling ourselves to pieces trying to deny it. I find it so hard to keep my hands from holding yours or my arms from enfolding you.”

Hugo knew the pompous and embarrassed tone of his friend’s conversation reflected his mood and felt strangely touched by the haughty words. The sweetest murmurs of affection or dripping praise couldn’t have had such an effect. He tilted his face upwards, inching his nose along Edward’s jaw and cheek. His lips grazed the smooth skin of his friend’s temples, kissing his brow in return for the salute he’d received. It all felt wonderful. “I wish that life could be simple. I wish it could just be you and me and no one to judge us or condemn.”

Edward snuggled his head down onto Hugo’s shoulder, sighing deeply. “We could remain here, you know. There’s no reason you couldn’t stay on to take a doctorate. You’re bright and popular with everyone, and just think of the influence your father could bring to bear on the college. I’d work hard and make sure I could do the same. There are plenty of old bachelors within the university, it wouldn’t be looked on as out of place.” He held Hugo tight, as if by clinging to him like some talisman, he could make all their wishes come true in an instant.

“Perhaps. It would certainly be easier to keep each other’s company if we were colleagues here.” Hugo laughed, making Edward’s head bounce up and down against his chest. “You might end up as Warden and you could give
the talk
every term. You’d change the subject, of course, from self-sacrifice to being true to one’s lights. I could end up as the sort of crusty old fellow who scares the living daylights out of the first year students but who is adored by them by the time they leave.” Maybe this was the light at the end of their tunnel, the means that they could be together, but the idea did have its ludicrous aspects.

Edward lifted his head, his eyes bright with tears that might be of laughter but could equally be relief at seeing a possible way out of their impasse. “Everyone would adore you. It’s me they’d be frightened of, quite rightly, as I’m scared of De Banzie.” He focused his eyes on his friend’s lips. “Hugo, please...”

Edward didn’t need to elaborate. Hugo knew what he wanted from the direction of his gaze, his flushed cheeks, the plaintive note in his voice, and he no longer had it in him to resist. He leaned down and kissed his friend, very lightly at first and then more firmly, once for friendship, once for love. Edward responded in kind with warm and affectionate, tender and shy kisses, the sort he’d been desperate to share since those first coffee flavoured ones had both shattered him and shown him a world of possibilities.

Hugo ran his tongue along the gentle contours of Edward’s lips, tasting the lingering sweetness from lunch. “I love you, Edward, you big soppy idiot,” Hugo’s voice was hoarse with emotion, “and I promise I won’t let myself be separated from you just to suit someone else’s convenience. We could only ever part of our free will.” He kissed Edward powerfully, letting his tongue plunder the other man’s mouth. He expected to feel tensing of muscle but not the unexpected relaxation that came as Edward must have realised this wasn’t just normal, it was charming, and began to respond in the same way.

“I love you as well, Hugo, beyond all logic or reason. It would have to be love for us to want to risk all the disapproval, wouldn’t it?” Edward looked at his friend with eyes that appeared awash with a strange mixture of fear and delight, then reached towards him for another kiss or three, the pair of them making up for all the months of unrequited desire.

“It could only be love or folly, and I don’t think either of us is stupid. Nor precipitate—we’ve had a long while to mull this over.” Hugo drew his hand down his friend’s neck, enjoying the texture of smooth, delicate flesh that barely felt like it saw a razor. And for the first time, he felt no self-loathing at touching another man, just a simple joy and wonder at the marvels of love—how it could take all one’s fears and doubts and transform them. No wonder he’d never felt this happy previously; he’d never been in love before.

Quite against all Hugo anticipated, Edward began to take the lead, kissing and caressing—all innocence and wonder and not showing a trace of animal lust or desire. It was everything that Hugo needed to feel at ease with the situation. If there had been overt passion, he might well have felt brimful of doubts again, but the purity of Edward’s approach reassured him that things wouldn’t get out of hand. Edward must have been thinking they had all the time in the world and all the world of love to discover in that time.

Hugo broke from a passionate kiss and nestled down into his friend’s arms, burying his face in the folds of the man’s jacket. “Did we decide that quote was from Hamlet? The one on your grandfather’s case?”

“We did, indeed.” If Edward was puzzled at the sudden change of tack he didn’t show it.

Hugo wondered whether his friend found him infuriating at times, but if Edward couldn’t help being pompous,
he
couldn’t help being wordy. “Then I can match it with another, if you’ll excuse the adaptation.
I shall l wear you in my heart of hearts
, as long as you’re willing to have a place there.” Hugo rubbed his fingers along his friend’s jacket, caressing the material as if it were the man’s skin.

“I would never ask to be removed from there. It would take a Somme or Flanders Field to wrench me from you.” Edward held Hugo close as if they really were about to be separated by bugle call or order to march. He seemed determined now that he’d never let this man go or turn his back on such pleasure as he found in his arms.

“Then we should pray God that we truly have seen the war to end them all.” Hugo lifted his head, found Edward’s lips once more. As they touched, he was filled with joy, more than he’d ever felt in his life and the source of that elation was the man he’d got wrapped in his arms. Edward’s fingers started to explore underneath his friend’s coat. Hugo was taken aback by how bold the man was turning out to be, but Edward’s whole demeanour had changed now. Perhaps once they’d taken the final step over the threshold from friendship to love, he’d discovered within himself an audacity that had long been kept hidden. Hugo waited for the expected frisson of guilt to strike him now that he was lost in the pleasures of kissing and caressing. But it didn’t come, and he was thankful for being spared it at last.

“Shall I take this coat off? It’s mild enough.” When Hugo had carelessly stripped off with Domino, it had cost him more than money. It was as if he’d bared part of his soul with each item discarded and he’d kept his losses to a minimum. It had been wrong then, that fact did not and would not change, but it felt absolutely right at this moment. Hugo regretfully pulled out of their embrace, slid off his dinner jacket and was pleased to see Edward perform the same manoeuvre. Their freshly laundered shirts were no longer as crisp as when they’d first been put on, and Edward’s bore a patch of perspiration where his friend’s head had lain. Hugo gently drew his fingers down it, savouring the slick feel of the moist material in his hands.

“Can you stay a little while longer? People will think we’re chatting over a cup of tea. I’ll lock the door so we needn’t worry.” Edward rubbed his face in Hugo’s hair, enjoying the smell and taste of it.

“Leave the door—it’ll only make folk suspicious. We’ll hear them soon enough on the stairs.” Hugo’s fingers began to ease themselves into the folds of his friend’s shirt, inching nearer to a spot where they might get under the material and find Edward’s skin. “I’ll stay as long as common sense and our reputations will allow.” Hugo could feel Edward’s hands tugging at the tail of
his
shirt, seeking to find some flesh to caress. His fingers just touching the small of Hugo’s back felt so much more exciting than anything that Domino had done for him. Perhaps he could only find true ecstasy if love were at the heart of it.

“Will you stop thinking and kiss me again, or must I wait another two months?” Edward tried to look serious, but the twinkle in his eye belied the stern voice.

“I will kiss you as often as you deserve and you may take that answer as you wish.” Hugo was as good as his word, kissing his lover frantically and letting his hands work on buttons and waistbands until they were both short of breath and neither of them had a shirt on their backs.

Hugo lightly caressed his friend’s chest, drawing circles, tracing ribs, noting each line and curve and freckle until he’d memorised it entirely. Edward in his turn scanned every fraction of Hugo’s back with his fingertips, mapping each square inch and defining its properties. Only the unknown could be truly fearful—making your lover’s flesh as familiar as your own eliminated all apprehension. They placed tender kisses on each other’s skin and hair, Edward exploring the rough acres of Hugo’s mane of a chest, both enjoying the novelty of smooth flesh under fingers and tongue.

“I must go soon.” Hugo bent to kiss the tender inward of Edward’s hand, returning to kiss his mouth once more via his collarbone and neck, each touch of skin to lips being savoured anew. “This is just the beginning, the start of many such afternoons and evenings, should that be what you want.” He sealed the invitation with a kiss so passionate it left the answer in no doubt.

Edward nodded, and Hugo suspected he was too overcome to speak. He watched as Lamont slowly drew his shirt back on, secured the buttons, sought for his cufflinks. “No, let me.” Edward gently inserted the little gold fastenings through their holes.

Hugo found as much delight in being dressed by his friend as he had in being undressed by him, being especially pleased when Edward remembered to take the tie and make it up neatly. He was bound to be spotted on his way back to his rooms to change for hall and they couldn’t risk giving anyone the slightest cause for suspicion, not now.

Hugo slowly slipped on his jacket, held Edward close once more and revelled in the sensation of the man’s bare skin nestling against his clothing. He felt warm, secure and ridiculously alive, willing the minutes to crawl by while Edward was next to him, fly when they were apart. “Tomorrow? After hall?”

Edward nodded again, head against head. “Every evening after hall. All the rest of this term. Forever.” The last word was little more than a shared exhalation—they both knew better than to tempt fate.

“Every evening it will be, then. For as long as we’re granted.” Hugo breathed into his friend’s neck, drank in once more the sweet scent of sweat and exhilaration to better remember it once he was alone. “Kiss me once more, then common sense shall have to prevail.” A huge smile lit up his face, one that Edward mirrored.

The lingering sense of that final embrace of the day stayed alive for them both well into the night.

Return to TOC

July, 1880

Maiwand, Afghanistan

The heat was the worst of it. Major Robert Scoville gazed over the cracked earth and stark mountain range with eyes that felt baked raw. The thin air didn’t help, either, clogged as it was with a fine powdery dust raised by thousands of feet and hooves.

And the waiting was almost as bad as the heat. Instead of being ready for a fight, with the normal anticipation of victory in battle against a half-civilised enemy, the men were quiet, almost nervous, preparing to meet their ends. And Scoville could say nothing to contradict that expectation without insulting his men’s good sense and making himself look a fool. How was an officer supposed to put heart into his men when every scrap of intelligence numbered at least ten Afghan tribesmen to every British soldier? No amount of pride and patriotism could overcome those odds.

It was madness to attack Maiwand. They couldn’t even keep Ayub Khan bottled up in the city, much less drive him from it. If a lowly major like himself could see that, what in God’s name was wrong with the generals?

He nodded as his sergeant came up beside him. “Darling, are the men ready?”

“Ready as they can be, my lord,” said Sgt. Jack Darling. “Waiting to get on with it and get it over.”

“Ours is but to do and die,” Scoville said. Their eyes met for a moment, and Scoville knew that even if his sergeant had not read the poem, they were in agreement that someone had blundered.

“I’d like to get my hands on the bastard who thinks this mess is glorious.” Darling wiped sweat from his forehead, leaving a dark streak of mud along his temple. “No offence meant, my lord, but I’d wager he never risked his poetic arse on a battlefield.”

“No, I think Tennyson was a confirmed civilian. Ever consider a civilian life for yourself, Sergeant?”

“On days like this, my lord—constantly.”

That was just the reply Scoville had been hoping for, though the timing could not have been less opportune. “When I leave the service,” he said, “provided I live long enough, I shall need a man who possesses both nerve and discretion and is able to keep track of my effects—a gentleman’s personal gentleman. I’ve been spoiled by your competence, Darling, and I couldn’t dare hope for such luck a second time. Might you be interested in the position?”