Speak Its Name: A Trilogy (3 page)

Edward nodded. “I agree with you entirely—an outing to a match would be delightful.” He smiled and fell quiet, unsure of where this conversation was going, apart from an invitation to watch sport. He knew he was enjoying this time with Hugo more than anything he’d experienced in Oxford. He yearned to spend as long as possible in the man’s company, he was just not ready to admit it to him, just in case he was answered with a rebuff.
Hugo is naturally kind
, he told himself,
he’s just being pleasant.
There was no deeper meaning and there was no point in getting his own hopes up.

He couldn’t have thought more intently if he were solving a chemistry puzzle. At some point he had to know whether he was simply tolerated or if there was more to the friendship of the glorious creature beside him. Except this wasn’t a matter of science; there was no yardstick to measure his conduct against, no previous encounter to be compared with. He was a total innocent, and while he despised himself for what he felt—
unnatural
didn’t begin to cover it—he felt drawn to Hugo like a moth to a flame or a child whose determination to approach the fire is only reinforced every time they are told not to touch. But he wasn’t ready to touch just yet.

So they ate, they drank, they chatted and Edward found the afternoon wore on pleasantly enough.

~

The plates were bare, the bottle of wine empty and the two young men on the river bank were too full to attempt another morsel. Hugo lay back on the mossy bank and stared at the blue sky. “Today has certainly turned unseasonably warm for March, Edward, but we won’t complain in case someone hears and does something to rectify it.” Hugo was at last comfortable about using his friend’s Christian name. He’d worried about it all morning, aware that they couldn’t continue with
Lamont
and
Easterby
, but knowing it would mean the first level of the defences that he’d constructed for that first meeting would be breached. There were other walls, other ditches and towers, but the curtain had been broken. He wasn’t sure if he was pleased or not, this was unknown territory.

He looked up. “Come here... no, right next to me so I can see both you and the sky at the same time.” It was as if he’d spoken his innermost thoughts and he was cross at himself for making so bold a suggestion. Words once spoken can’t be recalled and he shivered as his guest moved closer. Hugo had been very careful, when offering the caviar, not to allow even a cat’s whisker of contact. It had been his next line of defence, along with not mentioning anything personal or too close to the heart. If he could keep this as friendship, then he’d be fine—at least that’s what he kept telling himself.

It would have been terribly easy to simply reach up and draw a line down Edward’s spine. That would have been an undeniable invitation, a statement of intent. Yet Hugo still had no idea whether he wanted to go so far or whether he would want Edward to accept the invitation if he did. This situation was unique—for once in Hugo’s life desire and friendship had coincided. Perhaps this was even the budding of love, a precious bud that could easily be nipped by the frosts of a rejected pass. The risk of making a move and having it turned down, of then losing a precious acquaintance, was far too great a one for him to take it lightly.

He’d been aware all afternoon that he was being scrutinised, in the same way that he’d been casting glances at his companion. Surely he couldn’t expect Edward to be having the same fantasies that he was trying so hard not to indulge; fantasies about reaching out and touching another man? Hugo shivered at the thought that Edward wouldn’t necessarily reject a pass.

That could be even worse, being able to kiss Edward, to touch him. Would Hugo end up hating the man as much as he hated himself, just for letting him exercise his unnatural desires? Would a kiss ever be enough? Could they leave it there—wouldn’t it logically end up with them moving towards a bed or the back seat of a car or any one of a dozen squalid places that his mind could run to? And then they would both loathe each other and curse themselves.

Hugo stared at the sky, stared at his friend’s back, tried very hard not to look at him, failed and got angry with himself. Quite unexpectedly, Edward moved even closer, sitting so near that Hugo could feel the warmth of the man’s body through his shirt. He realised he was being given a clear signal that he was liked—more than liked. It was beyond all his hopes and filled him with fear that he’d give in and disgrace himself. He could reach out and pull Edward to him—that’s how it would start, and it would end in tears.

Very slowly, Edward leaned down and nestled against Hugo, laying his dark head on the man’s chest. Hugo didn’t reject the movement, although he felt himself become noticeably tenser and his breathing wasn’t as relaxed as it had been. He relished the warmth created by muscle and flesh meeting and as he felt Edward tentatively nuzzle against the open buttons of his shirt, he enjoyed the way the hairs on his chest brushed against his friend’s smooth cheeks. Guilty pleasures, all of them; Hugo felt as if he’d ceased breathing altogether, but still he didn’t push Edward away.

“This is idyllic, Hugo, I wouldn’t be anywhere else or doing any other thing at this time. You have no concept of how rare it is for me to find myself so content. Like being a child again.”

Hugo couldn’t speak. His second line of defence had come down and he had no idea of either what to do or what he really wanted. The whole situation was impossible. Slowly he put his arm around Edward’s shoulders and held him lightly. All he could concentrate on was to keep his face, his lips, away from any part of this beautiful young man. It would be terribly easy to just move slightly, rest his chin on Edward’s head, smell his hair, kiss his brow. There had been no tenderness like this with Domino, things had been wild and frenzied that night.

You seem like you’re in a proper hurry, sir. I like to meet a gentleman that knows what he wants and sets his store by getting it.

Every time Hugo thought of what he’d said and done, he hated himself even more for having sullied himself so readily with an unknown man. Especially when he found it so hard to find intimacy with someone he knew and liked. They lay together, Edward trying hard to get closer and Hugo keeping him at a distance, until the unseasonably warm day started to cool and they had to leave the riverside and go back to college.

They parted at the porters’ lodge, having barely said a word during their return. Edward had been too enraptured and Hugo too scared that he would invite his friend to meet again.

“Will you take coffee with me tomorrow after chapel? I can’t produce a picnic like you managed today, but I pride myself on the quality of the coffee I make.” Edward’s eyes held such a pleading look, like a child desperate for another piece of cake, that all Hugo’s resolve disappeared, like the heat had totally vanished from the day.

“I will. Most kind, thank you.” And not trusting himself to utter another word, Hugo turned and lugged the hamper and rug back to his room.

As the evening drew on, he was glad he’d had the foresight to fill a bottle to warm his bed, despite the turmoil his mind was in. It was going to be hard enough slipping into cold sheets, ready for a night of nothing but thinking, without being cold as well. That afternoon he’d broken all the rules he’d made. He’d called Edward by name, they had touched and held each other close—and while they hadn’t kissed, if they met again it was merely a matter of time.

If they met again
. He suddenly decided that he should write Edward a note, push it under his door, say the afternoon had all been an awful mistake, call off the meeting for coffee and prevent any other occasion of meeting. He should do just that. He couldn’t.

~

Clear skies that had been a blue banner all day, letting the sun warm the air, had left a cloudless night that threatened to be cold enough to even produce a sharp frost. Edward lay in bed unsleeping, shivering slightly as his body met the cold sheets, feeling a strange mixture of excitement and dread. Hugo had let him touch him, had allowed him to lie with his head on his chest, hadn’t rejected or teased him. It was a gift beyond price. But Edward had no idea whether this was right or wrong. He couldn’t tell one from the other any more, being too blinded by the brightness of a golden smile. He had been told often enough that to love another man in anything other than a fraternal way was immoral. He’d heard awful stories of what had gone on between some officers and their batmen in the trenches, when the strain of conflict had led to what the tellers of the tales referred to as
sins almost beyond forgiveness.

This had always puzzled him. Edward knew they were always told in chapel to value loving kindness above all other virtues, and he’d naturally concluded this meant that any unnatural affection between men had to be full of cruelty and animal lust, emotions that soiled and marred any spark of true love. But he’d felt no such thing that afternoon with Hugo—just a tender affection for each other, a delight in their mutual company and a need for gentle contact. Such things hardly seemed sinful.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the day ahead. They would meet again and who could tell what joys the meeting would bring. Perhaps a kiss? He couldn’t tell whether that would feel as wonderful as lying in Hugo’s arms had done. He’d no experience of kissing, and the thought of it both intrigued and disturbed him. And after making such intimate contact, would he feel as confused as he felt now? His thoughts churned full of Hugo Lamont until he fell into a fitful sleep and then the man invaded his dreams as well.

~

Edward opened the door to his friend’s knock, wearing the broadest smile that Hugo had ever seen displayed on his handsome face. In the room there was coffee waiting, with little biscuits and cakes which looked like Edward had arranged and rearranged fifty times for perfection of display. Hugo took a seat, picked up his cup and a tiny sweetmeat, but said very little. The careless conversation of their first meetings had dissipated, leaving a hollow awkwardness that came mainly from the older man this time, not the younger.

Edward looked like he could stand the tension no longer. “You don’t want to be here, do you? You want to say this is all an awful mistake; that we should never meet again. I know what I did yesterday stepped outside the bounds of decency. I’m sorry, I’ve made a terrible error.” Tears began to well in his eyes and he wiped them on his sleeve like a little boy.

Hugo could have borne shouting, he’d half expected insults or argument, but to see his friend cry unmanned him completely. The sight of such a striking face wracked by pain and tears was overwhelming. “No, no. It’s not like that at all.” He left his chair, moved across to Edward, took the man’s face in his hands, let the last walls of defence go down. He gently kissed Edward’s brow again and again, working down his face, cheeks. The skin felt softer than he’d expected when he’d only kissed it in his imagination. “I didn’t mind a bit what happened yesterday, but you don’t understand what all this is about, truly.” He had reached his friend’s lips and their mouths met.

The intimacy of the act shattered them both. Moist, soft, tender, frightened lips meeting for a fleeting moment and then again for a longer congress. Neither had ever known so profound an act. The sweet taste of their mouths, the darting tongues that pushed against lips and made them lose all ability to think clearly. Hugo had done this just the once before, kissing that nameless boy in the back of a car, but kissing Edward was more stimulating, more thrilling, than anything he had done with Domino. Now he was close to someone for whom he had great affection mingled with desire, and now he was more frightened than words could possibly describe.

Hugo pulled away from the by now frenzied kissing, holding Edward’s face between his hands and breathing hard. “You have no idea where this might lead. I swear I didn’t hear a word of the sermon in chapel this morning. I just spent the whole time praying not to be led into temptation this day, and in your room temptation comes in droves. If I kiss you again, I’ll want to touch you, and if I touch you, I’ll want to take you to my bed. Do you understand that? Do you understand what would happen there? And afterwards there wouldn’t be any happiness left, just hatred of each other and what we let happen here. I don’t ever want to hate you, Edward.” Hugo shook with emotion.

“But couldn’t we stay with this?” Edward’s fingers traced the lines of his friend’s mouth—Hugo shut his eyes and breathed in the smells of coffee and cake that arose from those hands. “I’d be content with kisses, with lying in your arms.”

“You might be, but I can’t trust myself, Edward. Not to stop at just a kiss.”

“Then what are we to do?” Edward’s fingers left Hugo’s mouth, moved down over chin and neck, rested over his heart. “I can’t lose you, not now.”

Hugo shook his head, ruefully. “Could you be content with just my friendship? Would you come to that cricket match and just drink champagne and talk with me? If all kissing were forbidden, would you still want not to lose me?”

Edward thought for a long while, his face etched with pain and worry and looking ten years older than it had by the river. “If the choice was that or not to have you at all, I would settle for it.” He tightened his grip on Hugo’s jacket, as if he would never let it go.

“And would you still be saying that in a year’s time? In five years?” He lightly caressed Edward’s hand, trying to memorise how it felt, in case he was never able to repeat the experience.

Edward moved his hand up from Hugo’s chest, found his face again and looked into his eyes for what seemed an eternity. “I don’t know, but then I can’t predict whether in a year’s time we would still even like each other. Maybe by then we’ll have ceased all contact, or perhaps you might even be in my bed and happy with it. I’ve only known you for a few days Hugo, that’s all, and if it takes another year to reach another kiss, then so be it. I’ve waited all my life, I have patience enough.”

Hugo smiled, a real smile this time, a surge of relief filling his heart. “You might need all that patience. I have no idea when or even if I’ll lose these feelings.”