Spike: (#3.5 The Beat and the Pulse) (9 page)

Sixteen

Ren

I intended to go to Josie’s for a couple of days and think.

That was until Caleb had kissed me. It had only reinforced everything I felt for Ash and then some. Everything that he and I were…
shit
. I had to fight for it. How couldn’t I? Letting this thing go so easily was an injustice as far as I was concerned. I was a fighter, and now I had to do what I did best.

I spent the day driving around Melbourne, trying to think of the best course of action. Turning up at Pulse during the daylight hours would only cause a scene the business couldn’t afford. There were a lot of people out there who were just waiting for Ash to fail so they could pick his carcass clean like vultures. Walking in there now would only serve to put a nail in his coffin. Our coffin.

I waited until the sun had set and the lights of Melbourne lit up the sky before I ventured home to Pulse.

The building was in darkness when I parked out the back, and I was relieved to see Ash’s car in his usual spot next to mine, but inside, everything was silent and empty. Entering in the alarm code and locking the back door, I went upstairs and stepped into the apartment.

It was just as dark as the gym downstairs, and I wondered if he was here at all. The air felt different somehow, like I wasn’t welcome in the home he’d built for me. There was a coldness that hadn’t been present before, and I found myself wrapping my arms around my body for warmth.

Dropping my keys and phone onto the side table, I ventured further inside. That’s when my gaze fell onto the broken glass on the floor. It glittered in the murky light as my heart sank.
Oh, Ash
…

There was a hole in the wall where our photo used to hang, and I stared at it, my heart shattering even further. Everything was so screwed up. I’d had enough pain to last a couple of lifetime, and Ash was no different. To think that something was screwing with us now had a tear rolling down my cheek. Attempted murder had been more than enough. More than any person ever deserved to go through.

Moving further into the dark apartment, I found the light switch in the kitchen and flipped it on. The room was illuminated, and I jumped in surprise as Ash’s form was revealed on the couch. He’d been sitting there in total darkness watching my every move, but now his back was to me. How hadn’t I felt his gaze? I was always aware of his presence no matter the situation, and it only made the distance between us open further. He was slipping away.

“Ash?” I asked softly.

He didn’t move or make a sound, so I edged closer and rounded the couch. His expression was tight, wound with restrained fury I knew was capable of sweeping us both away and obliterating everything in its path.

“Why are you sitting here in the dark?” I asked softly, my skin prickling.

He lowered his head, his gaze falling downward.

“What’s going on?” I asked, fully expecting to have to work him hard to get whatever was in his head to the surface.

“I should be asking you that,” he retorted, his lip curling.

I shook my head in confusion. “Ash, we argued—”

“
You left
.”

You left, and you weren’t coming back
.

“I know I said some things…” I swallowed hard. “But I was upset. I needed some time to cool off.”

He ran his hands over his face, and I saw the dark circles under his eyes. Had he even slept last night? He looked totally strung out.

After what felt like an eternity, he rose from the couch and fixed his gaze onto mine. “I always thought it’d be me that hurt us,” he said, shaking his head.

My brow furrowed in confusion.

“I saw you,” he spat.

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“Don’t you look at me like that, Ren,” he said, his expression full of pain. “I saw you kiss him.”

The life began to bleed from my limbs at the realization that he’d come to Beat last night to see me—the exact same moment that Caleb tried it on.

“Then you didn’t see the moment where
I pushed him away
,” I exclaimed. Images of my first few months at Beat flashed into my mind, and I realized that he’d said those exact same words to me once before. I thought he’d been fucking my half-sister, Monica, while he was playing me. I’d seen them in the change rooms all cozy, but I hadn’t seen the part where he’d pushed her away in exactly the same circumstance. How the tables had turned.

Turning, Ash shook his head. He strode over to the side table by the front door and jerked open the drawer, taking something out.

“
Ash
,” I pleaded, following him. “There’s never going to be anyone but you. I can’t love anyone but you, but you have to tell me what’s going on.”

Glancing up, his gaze met mine. “Like you told me about him?” He turned to face me. “How long has he been sniffing around, Ren?”

I sucked in a sharp breath. I’d kept the knowledge of Caleb’s unwanted advances from Ash, and now I was ruining this as much as he was. I was a hypocrite. A big fucking
hypocrite
.

Holding up his palm, Ash stared down, drawing my gaze to the little black box he held with disdain.
Josie was right
. I felt like throwing up.

“Ash—”

He threw the little box, and it hit the wall behind me, dropping to the floor with a thud.

“Are you fuckin’ happy?” he roared. “
I was going to give you everything!
”

“Ash…” I swallowed hard, my throat feeling tight. Tears began to fall freely down my cheeks, and I furiously brushed them away.

My plea fell on deaf ears as he stepped around me. When the front door slammed, I flinched, wrapping my arms around my middle.

Oh god
.

With a sob, I knelt and picked up the little black box, holding it in my palm. It had a soft, velveteen finish and a name was impressed in the top in gold lettering—some fancy designer store. Opening the lid, I knew what was inside, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it.

Feeling cold from the inside out, I stared at the ring, and it was perfect. He knew me inside out and had picked out something I would’ve chosen for myself had I been there. The slim, silver band was dusted with tiny diamonds and was simple yet elegant. I never wore any jewelry, and he knew I would never wear one of those gaudy engagement rings even if he paid me. Ash had nailed it, and right now, I felt like a fool.

Collapsing onto the hard floor, I curled up into a ball, clutching the box to my chest, and cried and cried until I was certain I’d never be able to stop.

I ran away when I should’ve stayed and fought
.

Seventeen

Ash

The Underground was different than I remembered.

There were new faces everywhere and so many fighters I didn’t know. At least that hadn’t changed. There would always be angry men chasing a cheap thrill in the cage.

Pushing through the crowd, I ignored the curious glances being thrown my way and went straight for the man at the top.

I couldn’t fuckin’ believe I’d resorted to
this
. By coming here, I’d just pushed the undo button on Ren and me.
She’d left me and kissed another man
. I slammed my fist down on the metaphoric button and stormed past the security guards who separated the rabble from the big boys out back.

“
Hey!
”

I ignored the voice shouting at me from behind, and I barged into the office, the door flying inward.

Max glanced up and raised an eyebrow when he realized who was standing in front of him. Hands grabbed me from behind, and I was hauled back a step, but he lifted a hand to dismiss them. A second later, the door shut.

“I just saw a fuckin’ ghost,” Max drawled, leaning back in his chair.

He hadn’t changed one bit, he was exactly the same as the last time I saw the guy. He was top dog these days after pushing out his competition, but that was the kinda man he was. Knowing the lengths he would’ve gone to solidify his position here, I knew exactly how hard I was able to push before he snapped.

Max had been good to me, but I was smart enough to know that it didn’t mean the man was in love with me. He’d turn the moment my being here wasn’t a good deal for him.

“I need a fight,” I said, my anger starting to surface despite the iron grip I had on it.

Max looked me up and down, his expression remaining impassive. “Like that is it?”

“I never asked you for one thing after I took care of your Hammer problem,” I said, my hands curling into tight fists. “You were fine using me to kill a man, so let’s just cut the crap.”

“You better watch your mouth, Fuller. We don’t take too kindly to assholes throwing around accusations within these walls.”

“No matter if they’re true or not?”

“Most times they are, but there’s no need to confirm them.” Leaning forward, he looked me over. “The high and mighty life don’t suit you or somethin’?”

“I just need a fight,” I shot back, beginning to grind my jaw.

“If you’ve got some aggression to work out, you best not be doing it in my cage. I know what happens with guys like you…
just lookin’ for a fight
.”

He was exactly right, I shouldn’t be using my fists to work out my problems, but I had to feel the pain of a dirty fight. Blood, sweat and motherfuckin’ tears.

“I’m different now,” I said, walking a fine line between truth and fantasy. “I know how to control myself.”

It was an outright lie, but if I could hold myself back from the edge in that cage…maybe I’d know for sure. I desperately wanted to prove my father wrong, but all I’d been doing so far was proving him
right
.

“I’m pushing thirty, Max. I don’t want to be doing this kind of fighting for much longer.”

“Never thought I’d see the day that Ash Fuller thought he was
too old
to fight. What about the money? You always liked the money.”

“Bullshit,” I snapped. I’d never given two fucks about that. “I don’t give a shit about the money. You can keep my share if that’s what it’ll take.”

He sat in thoughtful silence for a moment before leaning forward. “I’ve got just the guy for you.”

So, it was obviously a go. I was getting what I wanted. “What’s his name?”

“Steel,” Max said. “He’s a good guy. Promising.”

“What’s he like in the cage?” I knew he wasn’t telling me something since promising was code for ‘needs a lot of work’.

“I wouldn’t put you up against him if I didn’t think he could hack it.”

“I’m not going to hold back,” I said. “It’s not in me.” Especially when I was this amped up.

Max shrugged, not perturbed in the slightest. “If he gets a few hooks in and thrills the crowd a little, it’ll do wonders for the guy.”

I grunted. “Do it.”

“Fifteen minutes, then,” he said, rising to his feet.

I opened the door, letting him out first. “I’ll be ready.”

Max nodded and disappeared down the hall toward the arena in search of Steel. Fifteen minutes?
I was ready now
.

“Look what the cat dragged in.”

I turned with a scowl as Hamish ‘Goblin’ McBride sauntered down the hall toward me. It’d been at least six months since I’d seen him when he’d been in to have a look at Pulse, but it didn’t mean I hadn’t heard all about his and Josie’s on and off relationship from Ren.

“On or off, Goblin?” I drawled, rolling my eyes.

He rubbed the back of his neck with a hand and shrugged. “On,
I think
, you smart bastard.”

“What do you want?”

He gave me the once over and scowled. “Nice to see you too, fuck face, though I don’t know what the hell you’re doing
here
.”

“None of your business.” The accusation was clear in his voice, and I didn’t like it one bit.

He glanced at the office door. “Somethin’ must be wrong if you’re here lookin’ for a fight.”

“I just want to fight,” I snapped, turning to walk off. “Like you give a stuff.”

“Fuller,” he said, grabbing my arm. “I know I can’t stop you, but—”

“But nothing,
Goblin
,” I said, deliberately using his cage name. “I’m here to fight.
Once
. Then I’m gone.”

“That worries me even more with your track record.”

“While we’re talking about track records,” I hissed, getting up in his face. “How about we discuss the shit you pull with Josie?”

Hamish’s eyes narrowed, and he pushed me away. “Fuck up your life, what do I care?” Stepping around me, he stalked off toward the arena, his shoulders tense.

Rolling my eyes, I ventured out back to the change room, visions of the past flashing through my mind. I’d spent so much time here struggling with my demons, and then Ren had done the same thing. We’d fought here together, fucked in the shower stall over there, kissed here, fell in love there…

Dumping my stuff into an empty locker, I went about wrapping up my hands, ignoring the outright stares being thrown my way.

Steel is fighting Maverick. Maverick? Ash Fuller? No fucking way. Steel is going to get his head knocked off. He won’t last five minutes
.

I didn’t give a shit about winning. All I gave a crap about was erasing the pain she’d inflicted on me and proving my father wrong. I hated both of them.
I wanted to feel something else
.

Walking out to the cage stirred up memories I’d rather forget…so I did. I switched Ash Fuller off and turned my fighter mode on. Now I’d finally see who was right. Me or
him
.
Forget her. She doesn’t want you anymore.

The crowd buzzed as I appeared, and they parted to let me through, their eyes burning into my skin.
Maverick was back
.

Stepping into the cage, I was illuminated in light, the heat from the bulbs warming my skin. I wore nothing but a pair of black shorts, my tattoo like a second skin across my chest, and my hands were wrapped tightly with bright red bandages. Red like blood. Red like the love that I’d lost.
Red like rage
.

Max stood beside me and clapped me on the shoulder.

“Maverick, Steel. Steel, Maverick,” he said, nodding to my opponent before he turned and began to announce us to the crowd.

Staring at Steel for the first time as he toed the line, I sized him up. He was young, maybe about twenty-five, his muscles were well defined, he had a few scars and fresh bruises, but most guys around here did. He looked like a career fighter—he took care of himself—but like Max said, he was fresh. I could smell his desperate need to prove himself, and I made a bet that was what was tripping him up. I could let him get a couple of punches in and maybe a throw to boost the kid’s confidence, or I could just wipe the floor with his ass.

“Maverick,” Steel said with a nod.

I narrowed my eyes and grunted. I didn’t want to play around with
pleasantries
.

Max held his hand up between us. “You know the rules,” he said. “Give ’em a good show.”

Then his hand was gone, and Steel lunged. He was quick off the mark, I’ll give him that one, but my reaction was instantaneous. His right fist flew high, going for my temple, but I ducked and propelled myself forward. My shoulder smashed into his chest, and he was forced back and to the side. For a split second, Steel was at my back, but he was still off balance, so I twisted and kicked.

My shin slammed into his stomach, and the crowd roared as he fell flat on his back, but then he swept his foot, and I was falling hard. Pain spiked through my ass and up my spine as I landed, and he was on top of me, his fist raised back to punch.
That was his free pass, the little fucker.

Bucking underneath him, I lunged upward, grasping his shoulders, and pushed, knocking Steel off me. Scrambling onto my knees, I followed him over and brought my fist down onto his face. The impact jarred up my arm, and the familiar burn of adrenaline began to settle into my veins. It felt good. It felt so fucking
good
.

Steel kicked underneath me, but I had him pinned. The beast was unleashed, and there was no stopping him. I punched him again, and the crowd roared their appreciation, feeding the animal.

With a roar, he shoved me hard. I fell to the side, and a moment later, his foot was colliding with my stomach. Curling in on myself, I reached out, grabbed his ankle and yanked. Steel fell, his head cracking on the concrete, and I was on him.

My fist smashed into his temple, and he cried out in pain. I had him. It was over so fast, but I had him. I raised my fist and hit him again, but he still moaned like a little fucker as his hands grabbed at me, but he couldn’t get any purchase. There was blood everywhere, but he didn’t tap out. I hit him again, but he still didn’t tap. He tried to fight. I hit him again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again
.

I smashed my fist into his face, and the rage was gone. This was what calmed the beast? Inflicting pain?
Was he right all along?
I paused mid-punch and blinked hard.

Steel spat blood on the floor, his eyes rolling back.

“
Get him the fuck off him!
” I heard someone yelling in the background, but I was already stumbling to my feet as arms hooked around me, hauling me across the cage.

Shaking them off, I fisted my hands into my hair, my heart beating so fast it felt like it was going to burst from my chest. The crowd surged against the cage, the chain link rattling, and the door opened.

Turning, I stared straight into the eyes of my greatest love, and all I saw was horror. Horror at the thing I’d let myself become.

Spitfire
.

A tear trailed down her cheek, and the world dropped away until it was only me, her and bitter disappointment.

Once a beast, always a beast
.