Spiralling Skywards: Falling (Contradictions #1) (31 page)

Liam’s face was a picture, he froze, moving just his eyes to look at me. I continued watching as his mouth opened and closed at least three times.

I could’ve put him out of his misery and told him that my grandad knew full well that we were moving in together, but I thought I’d let him suffer for a little bit. Payback for flirting with Nan.

“Well, nothings actually been finalised yet, but at some stage, in the future, we’d like you to come and stay.”

“That right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So will you be making an honest woman of my granddaughter before you move into this house you’ve bought together? Or am I gonna have to wait years for that happen and be wheeled down the aisle next to her?”

That was the moment I intervened.

“Okay, Grandad. Enough with the inquisition. Liam’s got something in the boot of his car that might interest you, don’t you, Lee?”

Liam stared at me blankly.

“Wha?”

Was all I got.

“The boot, can you pop it and show Grandad what you brought with you?”

“Ah, boot. Yeah, on it.”

I shook my head and narrowed my eyes at Grandad before heading inside with Nan.

Liam would soon win him over with the case, or slab as Liam called it, of some beer I knew he liked. And if that failed, the bottle of Macallan certainly would.

***

That night we all walked down into the village and had dinner. The boys walked ahead of me and Nan. I gathered she had something she wanted to say without the boys listening, so when she hooked her arm through mine and slowed her pace a bit, I didn’t resist. Which worked out perfectly because I knew Liam wanted to talk to Grandad about us getting married.

Getting married. Me.

I could hardly keep the smile from my face or the bats from flapping in my belly, but I tried because there wasn’t much Nan missed, and she’d soon cotton on that something was going on.

“You did good there, Sarah. He’s a keeper and obviously besotted with you. Luke said that he was a nice bloke, so I had every faith that he would be.”

“So, you couldn’t just take my word for it? Do you not think that I’m capable of making good choices when it comes to men?”

I was a little put out by what she’d said, suggesting that my choices were okay, as long as Luke backed them up.

“I didn’t mean it like that, so don’t take that attitude with me.”

My grandad might be six feet tall, but it was my little five-foot Nan that I’d always been more scared of.

“You told me you were in love. I’ve seen for myself how happy you are every time you’ve been to visit, but we still hadn’t met him. Of course I was curious and a little concerned. It wouldn’t have mattered what Luke thought of him, he could have said he breathed rainbows and shit gold for all I cared. Until I met him for myself and was able to make up my own mind, I would’ve worried.”

“Could you not have trusted my judgement though?”

“Of course I trust your judgement, but you’re in love. For the very first time, I might add. Women in love don’t always make the wisest choices. I just needed the reassurance of meeting him for myself. I won’t apologise for that.”

Anger bubbled in my belly and rose to my chest. I knew exactly what was hidden behind what Nan was saying.

“What you mean is, you were worried I’d be just like my mother and fall for a complete loser like my father, you can just come out and say it, Nan. I know it’s what you all think—that I’m just like her. I know that you’re all just waiting for me to turn into her.”

She stopped walking and turned to face me. I’d never seen her look so angry.

“I should smack your arse for that comment. You are
nothing
like her, you’ve
never
been anything like her, and you
never
will be. We couldn’t be more proud of you. You and Luke. What on earth would make you say something like that?”

Nan was close to tears, which made me feel terrible for my outburst.

“Is that really what you think, that we’re all waiting for you to turn into Kate?”

I wiped a tear from under my eye. I didn’t know why I was crying, probably because I felt ashamed of myself.

My grandparents had stepped in and raised us when our own father was nowhere to be found. And they’d raised us well, supporting all our choices and decisions as we grew up. We never wanted for anything, and we always felt loved. My issues were exactly that,
my
issues. They had nothing to do with my family.

“No.” I sniffed. “I just get so scared sometimes, Nan.”

“Of what, sweetheart?” She reached out and took both my hands in hers.

“That I am like her. That she’s inside me somewhere, just waiting to get out.”

“No, Sarah, that won’t happen. You and Kate are like chalk and cheese. You may look exactly like her, but personality wise, you’re polar opposites. You can’t go through life thinking that way, it’s not healthy.”

I took a deep breath in, but my bottom lip still trembled when I spoke.

“Liam’s been talking about marriage and starting a family when the house is finished and we’ve settled in, but I’m scared. What if I’m a terrible mother?”

She shook her head gently and then reached out and swiped the tears from my face.

“I’ll tell you something that you probably won’t believe, but I’m going to say it anyway. Your mum was actually a really good mother at one time. She was a natural when it came to caring for Luke, but the depression got a hold of her, and we, we let her down.”

Nan’s voice began to waiver.

“We didn’t spot it, not at first. When she split up with Vinnie, we thought it was for the best, and she did seem to be doing okay for a while, but then he’d reappear and then disappear, and every time he did, he seemed to take a little piece of her with him.”

I knew exactly how that felt. I’d experienced it when Liam and I had our time apart, and we’d only been together a month. Imagine sharing your life with someone for years, having a child, and then separating, repeatedly.

“We tried to keep him away from her. Grandad did some digging and found out he was married and had two young kids, he even threatened to tell his wife if Vinnie didn’t stay away, but it didn’t work. She used to beg him to stay, but of course he had to leave, he had a wife and family to get back to, not that she knew that.”

I stopped walking.

“Wait. What? She didn’t know he was married?”

“She had no idea, not until he disappeared after she told him she was carrying you.”

“I had . . . I didn’t know. I always assumed she knew he had a wife and just didn’t care.”

“No, we’d only just found out and were going to tell her, then she told him she was pregnant, thinking that would be enough to make him settle down. It ended up doing the opposite, and he vanished. Grandad went looking for him at the house he lived in with his wife, but she hadn’t seen him either. He’d up and left both of them. Four kids, all left without a dad.”

“Shit. What a depressing story.”

“Depressing doesn’t cover it, not once you factor in the way depression took hold of her. She suffered from it all of the way through her pregnancy with you, but she attended all of her doctor’s appointments, checked in with the midwife regularly, and, despite us trying to get her to come home and live with us, she stayed at her own place.”

“I wonder why when she so obviously needed the help.”

“Him. She held out hope till the day she was killed that he’d come back, and every day that he didn’t, she died a bit more.”

“Luke told me how bad things got. How come nobody stepped in? Why did nobody take us away from her?”

She let out a long breath.             

“I’m not accusing you of anything, Nan. I just don’t understand how she could be so neglectful and get away with it.”

“Don’t you dare repeat this, but Luke covered for her. He never once told us how bad things were, and if we came to visit, he’d always make up some story about her having a bad night with you. He was so frightened that they’d split the two of you up that he lied.”

My poor brother. I really did owe him so much. We reached the pub and both stood outside.

“Thanks for telling me all this.”

“Wish I didn’t have to, darling, wish I could tell you an entirely different story. Just know this—you’re nothing like her. You are a beautiful, bright young woman who’s bagged herself a hot Australian. Who, if he hasn’t already, is gonna pop the question any day.” She winked at me. Like I said, not much got past Nan.

“Now, let’s go and get shit faced, I bloody need it after that. Longest walk to the pub ever that was.”

As hard as all of that was to hear. It had made me feel a whole lot better about myself. Luke and I were nothing like our parents. I’d make Liam happy. I’d give him the babies that he wanted, we’d fill that bloody house with them. I’d give him so many that we’d have to buy a bigger house.

***

Yeah, when I said that, I didn’t exactly expect it all to happen quite the way it did.

The next morning, I woke to an empty bed, but when I rolled over, Liam was kneeling next to me with his chin resting on his arms at the edge of the mattress.

He reached down beside him and presented me with a square box. I instantly recognised the duck egg blue, and my belly pulled all sorts of little manoeuvres. I worried for a moment that the gases might escape, which would’ve been all kinds of embarrassing.

“Is that a Tiffany box?”

“That’s what it says on the lid.”

“What’s in it?”

Without answering me, he opened the blue box to reveal a black velvet one inside.

“Where did it come from?” I asked. My eyes not leaving his face.

“Interestingly enough, a shop called Tiffany, would you believe?”

“You’re hilarious.”

“It’s a gift.”

He flipped the lid open. I made a sound that I couldn’t even begin to imagine how to spell. It was a laugh/sigh/whimper/sob sort of noise, my eyes leaked instantly.

“It’s the Edwardian Cushion Cut,” I choked out.

His eyes widened in surprise.

“It is.”

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. How did you know?”

“Know what?”

“This ring, that I love this ring. I saw a picture of it in a magazine years ago, and it has just always been ‘the ring’ . . . But I never thought, I mean I never dreamed . . .” I sounded presumptuous. “Who’s it for?”

“Winston. It was love at first sight. It was the slobber that won me over, imagining those chops around my . . . well you get my drift.”

He wrinkled his nose and shrugged his shoulders. He was topless so I reached out and pulled at the hair at the base of his throat. He laughed and pushed my hand away.

“Well congratulations. I hope you’ll be very happy together, although I gotta say, I thought you would’ve tried to make it work with a human this time.”

He drew his eyebrows into a frown and looked totally confused.

“This time a dog, last time a total bitch, perhaps you’d be better off sticking to your own kind.”

“Oh you’re funny.”

“It’s a gift,” I told him with a shrug and a smile.

“Well, how about if
we
give it a go then? How about you wear this ring as a sign of our commitment to each other, and I’ll break things off with Winston and swear off dogs and bitches for the rest of my life?”

“How about Ms Bitches?”

“Only if they’re wearing purple knickers.”

“Deal.”

I spat in the palm of my hand and held it out to him. He did the same. We shook on it, and then I pulled him up onto the bed, where he slid the most perfect engagement ring on my finger and his body into mine.

And that was the start of what we thought would be our happily ever after.

“I’m not sure
I can do this. It’s too soon. D’you think it’s too soon? I think it’s too soon.”

I had no time to react as a pillow smacked me square in the face.

“Sarah?”

“Wha?” I mumbled out from where I was lying on the bed, the pillow still covering my face.

“Hush your noise before I gag you with the belt from your robe or smother you with that pillow.”

“Hhh unt urk,” I attempted to say from beneath my feathered cocoon. No sooner were the words out then it was snatched away, the morning sunshine making me blink after my few seconds of darkness.

Sasha stared down at me, her perfectly sculpted eyebrows drawn down into a frown above her dark eyes.

“What?”

“I said, it doesn’t work.”

“What doesn’t work?” Her frown deepened, and she gave her head a small shake as she asked.

“The belt from the robe, it’s not wide enough, I can still talk around it.”

She tilted her head to the side and looked away from me for a few seconds, still frowning and looking deep in thought. Her eyes slid back to mine and narrowed.

“And you know this how?”

Despite my brain screaming at my body not to react, my head turned slightly to the side and my eyes attempted to cast a backwards glance at the wrought iron headboard our pillows were propped against.

I felt my skin heat. From my boob up to the roots of my hair, I felt as I were I was on fire.

“You dirty little ho. He’s tied you to this bed and gagged you that belt, hasn’t he?”

I sucked both my lips between my teeth. Even the tips of my ears are scorching hot.

“Like I said.” I let out a sigh, acting as if I weren’t the least embarrassed and just frustrated that I had to explain myself. “The belt from my robe is useless as a gag. It’s too narrow, making it possible to still talk around it . . . But it makes for a great restraint.”

“You need to stop. That is so hot, you’re making me wet.”

“Eww, are you wearing knickers under there?”

“Nope. So expect a snail trail to be left behind when you finally peel me off these sheets.”

“You are seriously gross.”

She threw herself back down onto the bed where she slept beside me last night. I used the term loosely as we spent most of the night eating jelly vodka shots and giggling like we were fifteen again.

“I’m not gross. Just horny. Three months without sex will do that to anyone.”

“I know, I’ve been there, remember?”

“Well you’re getting plenty now.”

“I know. It’s great.”

“Ho. Slutty, sex-having, bondage ho.”

“Yep, that’s me,” I said with a smile. I couldn’t be bothered to turn my head so I just grinned up at the ceiling.

“So what are you stressing about? You love him. He’s hot, loaded, and the sex is great.”

“We barely know each other.”

“You’ve been living together for the past two months and have spent almost every night together for the past eight or ten, or however long it’s been.”

“Eight. I don’t count the start.”

“Why?”             

“Because then I have to think about all the BS that went on, and I don’t want to.”

“That’s just childish.”

I turned to face her and shrugged.

“I don’t care. If I think back on all that, I worry that I let him off too easily. I worry that I was too forgiving, and that brings me right back to the whole point of this conversation—should I be doing this?”

There was a light knock on my bedroom door before Nan came in carrying a large tray, laden with croissants, a fruit platter, a bottle of champagne, and a jug of fresh orange juice.

“Morning, girls, I heard you talking and thought I’d bring this straight up before the croissants got cold.”

Sash and I both sat up as Nan set the tray on the small table in front of the window.

“That looks amazing, Nan, you didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

“Oh, I didn’t, love. Liam had it all sent over from the hotel, they just delivered it. Like I said, I didn’t want the warm bits getting cold.”

Nan had insisted that all the boys, including Grandad, spend last night at the village pub, which also offered bed and breakfast. The restaurant there made great meals and was where we often went for breakfast when visiting my grandparents. The croissants were handmade, as was the jam that they served with them. Of course Liam knew they were a favourite of mine. My heart smiled at his thoughtfulness.

I was absolutely doing the right thing by marrying him today.

Wasn’t I?

I sat cross-legged on the bed as Sasha said from beside me. “And you’re seriously wondering if you’re doing the right thing?”

Nan rose her eyebrows as she uncorked the bottle of Moët and then turned to look at me. “You’re having doubts, Sarah?”

My bottom lip wobbled, so I nodded my head instead of attempting speech.

“Well, I’ve no clue what’s in it, but this was delivered with breakfast.”

She passed me an envelope. I ran my finger over the thick, silky paper. Biting down on my bottom lip, I slid the clean butter knife Nan had passed me under the seal and pulled out the sheets of paper folded inside.

Good morning, pretty girl.

I hope you slept better than I did. My night was horrible without you in my bed. I know I moan that you take up all the room, but that’s the way I like. That’s the way that I want it to always be, your hand smacking me in the face all night and your leg somehow always finding its way between mine—the one that’s not hanging out of the bed that is. That’s how I want to spend every night for the rest of forever.

So, Sarah Carter, today you will become Sarah Delaney. You’ll become my wife and I’ll become your husband, but those are just new titles to let the rest of the world know, to make them aware of our commitment to each other, but they mean nothing to us or what we feel for each other. What we mean to each other. At the end of the day, bub, we’re all that matters. Only we know the truth, the rest of them can guess, but they’ll never really have any idea.

I know that you’ve probably woken up this morning with a million and one reasons why you shouldn’t marry me going around in your head. I know that as you sit and read this letter, eat your jammie croissant, and drink your Buck’s Fizz, that you’re having self-doubts that we’ve rushed into this and that it’s way too soon. I know this, because I know you. Just like you know me like no one else ever has. I know you, and because I do, I’ll just say this: trust me, Sarah, please. I know I let you down before, I know I handled things poorly, and I am so eternally grateful that you forgave me. By doing so, you led us to this most special of days.

I won’t stand up in front of our friends and family and make promises that I can’t deliver, but I will promise you this . . . that I love you and each and every time I look at you, I love you a little more, which is something that has happened from the very first time I laid eyes on you. You’ve changed me, Sarah. You surprise, challenge, excite, and intoxicate me in ways that I never knew were possible, and I’m a better man for it.

I promise that I will always be true to you, that I will support you in any way that I can, and that I will do everything in my power to fill our lives with love and laughter, but I’m a realist, and as well as all the good times, we both know that there will be bad. When shit happens, when we’re shouting and screaming at each other, when the clouds hide the sun and there’s not a rainbow-farting unicorn in sight, I promise I will love you then as much as I do right now. Even when I annoy and frustrate you, when I forget our anniversaries, or our dinner dates, I will still be loving you. I will spend my life giving up my last Hob Nob for you, and I will even let you dunk yours in my tea. You will forever be my pretty girl, and I hope that I will remain your favourite New South Austrian.

Liam X

I was absolutely doing the right thing.

Wasn’t I?