Square Wave (30 page)

She turned down to look at the rising puree. There was an animal satisfaction to the expulsion. As the movement came to a close she bore down harder, forcing stringy yellow mucus into the drink. She was empty now, and this gave its own kind of satisfaction, to be voided, to have purified the vaporousness she felt herself to consist in, after sixty hours now of living on little more than spirits. She’d been asked not to eat before the shoot, for her own benefit, mainly. It would make the cleanse simpler. She’d forgotten the instructions, but other forces, her compulsions, drove her to much the same.

The glass was more than half-full. She reached between her legs and lifted it, but as she rose out of the squat she stumbled to one side and sloshed the glass. She found her balance and held the drink up near her eyes. “Look what I made,” she said. She stirred it with a spoon from the drawer and began to drink.

It was less cool now—it had taken on some of the heat of her guts—but as if in compensation, the flavors had bloomed: the floral tones of the papaya, the tartness of the kiwi, the simple sweetness of the banana. There was a new sharpness to it as well, an acridity that complicated the drink, deepened it. It was more than sugars now. It was something that defied the appetites.

Texturally there was fresh interest. Amid the uniformity of the puree, the tiny points of evenly distributed fruit, she could feel the mucus slip around her tongue and mouth in long bands like egg whites. They clung to her throat as she swallowed, so that sending them down with the rest took more aggressive gulps.

She could taste the incompetence of the morning’s enema. The saline never really ran clear. Twice she fell while squeezing the rubber balloon. The hangover had taken her patience with her balance.

But she was ravenous. And though bitterness remained at the heart of the drink, she found herself emptying the glass. The more she took in, the more repulsed she grew. Yet there was no stopping. Two warring instincts and hunger won.

The two men watched from behind the camera. Often a girl would balk after a sip or two, and they would have to cut the shot and threaten to pay half or nothing at all. Not that the girl didn’t know what she was supposed to do when they started the shoot. Only the seasoned shameless, though, could be counted on to keep their nerve when the brew was served.

Lisa set the empty, slimed glass on the counter.

“Am I ready to ace this test!”

The men marveled. Few debutantes gave such committed performances. But then, in her famished state, it was hardly that. Aspirations, obligations, they were idle.

They cut the camera.

“You did great,” the shorter one said. “Perfect, really. How was it?”

“I think it went okay,” Jen said.

“No, the shake.”

“Really?”

“You pounded it.”

“It wasn’t bad.”

“Five hundred bucks and you didn’t even have to look at a cock,” said the tattooed one.

She burped. They all laughed. Jen could taste the salutary rot. This, finally, might keep the spirits at bay.

21

B
ONEYARD
: I’ve been waiting for #4 a long while. No previews at Evil Angel yet. Ah!

A
RCELOR
: That’s cuz Elegant not Evil produced it. Angel.

P
TERO
D
ACTYL
: No I’ve seen… amazing. She is so sweet and giggly.

B
ONEYARD
: Dactyl send me a link in Private? Tx.

M
ATCHMAKER
: 1
^st
anal! Takes it like a champ. That’s a big fucking cock.

B
ONEYARD
: Dirty Debutantes was 1
^st
anal, Match. Like a minute of it till she pulls him out. His cock isn’t even that big. Didn’t get more than the tip in. *Real* first time maybe?

A
RCELOR
: No no—camera angle / bad lighting. It’s in her pussy. In missionary, right.

B
ONEYARD
: Yeah that’s it. It looks like it’s in her ass though. But she does have one of those assholes that’s really close to her pussy, so maybe not. But on top of that she reaches down like it hurts. Then he pulls out and it seems like after he puts it back in she’s not in pain.

A
RCELOR
: First taste of porn cock—it hurt.

M
ATCHMAKER
: Of course you know

A
RCELOR
: Three months now Match and you still can’t keep up. Boneyard, you can blow that shot up. There’s no switch. She licks her hand and rubs her pussy. Just dry.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Hi guys just wanted to clarify this is my FIRST anal scene. I saved it for Elegant to get it right. It was scary but exciting too. So glad I finally did it. Hope you guys liked it most of all.

A
RCELOR
: Welcome Violet!

B
ONEYARD
: VIOLET!!! So Debutantes had no anal—you can confirm?

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: I hear that all the time but no it really is lighting and the distance of the shot. Now you know! They should spend more. Maybe they would have got it.

A
RCELOR
: Bet the director likes the rumor though. Couldn’t have hurt sales.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
:;)

P
TERO
D
ACTYL
: The new scene looks so good. No condoms. Just waiting to see the whole thing.

B
ONEYARD
: Congrats on your best-new-starlet nomination, Violet. And best three-way too!

M
ATCHMAKER
: Yes congrats that is great news. Totally deserved.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Thank you Matchmaker. That scene was even scarier. And being nominated too!

A
RCELOR
: That nom, that was just your first three-way wasn’t it?

P
TERO
D
ACTYL
: That’s how good she gonna be.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: On camera, yes! My first three-way ever was a private session. Not a fun one actually. Sketchy. Creepy. But this one went great. Jeremy H. is such a good director. Makes it easy on the girls.

A
PACHI
5: Shooting any features now? Would love to see you in character again. And doing interracial! (We can dream…).

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: I’m not shooting any right now but there have been more offers since the nominations. They pay better but I don’t think I’m really into the playacting thing. It’s distracting enough with the lights and crew. The gonzo stuff, pure sex, is better for me, if only it paid. And no interracial I think. Sorry.

M
ATCHMAKER
: You’re so adaptable though. And you don’t talk as much as the gonzo girls.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Deer in the headlights:) I can’t do that on purpose though. It happens or it doesn’t and it’s happening less now. Too familiar. You’ve got to actually play the part once you can’t just react and expect guys to get hard from the wide eyes.

M
ATCHMAKER
: But you can be so natural in character. Your scene in
Ransoms
is amazing.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: You mean I look scared and confused tied up on the bed. But I was! Not from being tied up but from being on a porn set fucking strangers in costume. So I just got lucky. Even that—I wouldn’t be scared now. That’s going away and then the roles just seem silly. I can’t help smirking, even during. Some girls do that I know, make it sort of ironic, but the scenes aren’t very hot then. Irony and sex don’t mix.

P
TERO
D
ACTYL
: You and Sasha. Philosophers of sex…

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: The best ones don’t let that show. They actually have some commitment or they never lose the wide eyes and keep turning the guys on that way, not with the character. Or the role just has fear or confusion built in like
Ransoms
.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Ha! Don’t really know her but would like too. Another generation. She has that sexy jawline.

A
PACHI
5: But you can do both can’t you? No need to choose.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: I can but now I just want to fuck without the gimmicks and get paid. That sort of honesty turns ME on. Otherwise I’ll end up one of those bored Vivid girls. Unhot.

A
RCELOR
: I think it’s so cool you have your own take.

M
ATCHMAKER
: Your last few scenes have been getting wilder.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: This new scene, it’s cool. I’m happy with it. It’s a feature so you think it’s easier. But I tore my anus doing it. It was swollen for three days and shitting was a nightmare. I barely ate.

B
ONEYARD
: That sucks! I’m so sorry Violet.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: And then it turns out someone hadn’t even had their PASS test cleared yet. So I’m sure I’m fine but I have to wait to be sure I don’t have HIV now.

K
IRKPATRICK
: Occupational hazards;)

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: That was a feature film. So what’s the difference? The money. I don’t think gonzo should be second-class. Everything interesting in features comes from gonzo. It’s the lab.

A
PACHI
5: I thought you got banned.

K
IRKPATRICK
: Ten days.

A
RCELOR
: Why do you waste your time here? No fucking life.

K
IRKPATRICK
: Same reason as you.

B
ONEYARD
: Get back to yr bridge and suck Scottie off, Kirk.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Lonely like us ☺

K
IRKPATRICK
: Have the mods even verified that this is Violet Skye? She shows up in this thread out of nowhere. And she doesn’t talk like the deer on camera, does she.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: How should I talk?

K
IRKPATRICK
: I met you a month ago, at the convention in LA, and you didn’t sound anything like this. You were just a ruined child. A fool. You should be banned not me.

P
TERO
D
ACTYL
: More bullshit from this guy.

B
ONEYARD
: Prob. should verify though, even if Kirk’s just trolling.

C
ASSANDRA
M
ASON
: No I can tell, it’s her. Some of us have been to college, guys. Sorry to lurk.

K
IRKPATRICK
: Have you? Not community. A real one.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Cassie!

C
ASSANDRA
M
ASON
: Congrats on the nominations. You are going to WIN, sexy. I will see you in Vegas at the awards.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Thank you!!! Yes just two weeks left, see you then. Would love to work with you someday cutie. You have such a pretty pussy.

B
ONEYARD
: WE ALL WANT TO SEE THAT!

A
RCELOR
: Kill the all-caps please.

C
ASSANDRA
M
ASON
: I want to eat yours V

K
IRKPATRICK
: Bet Cassandra’s a fake too.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Wish we could ask the same of you Kirk but you can’t be a fake because you aren’t anyone at all.

C
ASSANDRA
M
ASON
: HA!

K
IRKPATRICK
: Clever for a worthless whore.

M
ODERATOR
2: Cassandra you are already registered with us. Can you do the same Violet?

{User Kirkpatrick deactivated}

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: What a shame. Honest guy. This is why we do this.

V
IOLET
S
KYE
: Yes will do.

M
ODERATOR
2: So glad to have you! Don’t worry about the trolls. We’ll take care of them.

■   ■   ■

While Janice sat at the kitchen table, staring into him, Lewis, on the other side of it, could think only of the foundering of his latest chat-room impersonation. Whatever was wrong with Kirkpatrick, he’d managed to sniff Lewis out. It could take a hateful man with all the wrong intentions to see things as they were. Especially lately.

In truth, if you were observing neutrally, and not through the inflamed imagination of a fan, who was elated to be in any kind of touch, even virtual touch, with the object of his fantasies, it wasn’t hard to see that the stories and theories Lewis put in Skye’s mouth were incredible. There were too many barbs, however oblique, directed at the very people she was supposed to be courting. That was the point of these “adult” chat-rooms, after all. Porn promotion. There were also the places where Lewis would break character to make overly intellectual points—that porn had a way of destabilizing the viewer’s sense of self at least as much as the actors, say—or where he would reveal the banal brutalities of industry life in terms that were impossibly detached.

But the men in the chat rooms, in thrall to the idea of flirting with their dreams, were not in the frame of mind to notice the liberties he was taking with character. They took Lewis’s indictments at face value, and were forced to see them as emanating from the most sympathetic of sources, under the circumstances: the actresses themselves. Their fantasies were terrorizing them.

Lewis didn’t know Skye’s civilian details, so there’d be no fooling the moderator. He clicked the page shut. Better to flee the site, he thought, than to let them prove that he wasn’t her, only a simulation, an impostor. His ideas might survive then, even in the heavy shadow of Kirkpatrick’s doubts, living a kind of twilight existence, subtly shaping their thinking.