Shattered by Love

C
opyright © 2016
Dani René

Published by Dani René

eBook ISBN 978-0-620-70345-1

A
ll rights reserved
, including the right to reproduce this book
or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

The following story contains mature themes, strong language, and sexual situations. It is intended for adult readers.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in the work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner.

A
s soon as
the door to my apartment clicks closed, I turn to her.

“Why are you here Ivy? Did you come to gloat? Did you crave one last fuck from your bad boy?” Her eyes are dull, the light she exuded is gone. My Firefly used to sparkle like a star in the midnight sky, a light in my darkest moment, guiding me. Now, I look at a hollow shell of my gorgeous girl. Except, she’s no longer mine. I know I need to leave. To walk away from her. “Talk to me, Ivy? You can’t be here. What did you expect your father to say?”

My comments are upsetting her, but there isn't another way. This is what her father demanded. I was the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. There was so much that she didn’t know, and I wasn't about to taint her view of the man she calls Dad. He has done things in the name of love, for his daughter. I refuse to be a burden in her life. That’s what I am—the good-for-nothing kid that has no future.

“Jayce, I love you. There isn’t anyone else for me.” When her hands caress me, I shudder. Her touch that used to warm me, now feels cold. It’s as if we’ve been disconnected from each other. I need to steel myself. I overheard what he told her, she didn't defend me. The love I thought we had, it's gone. Maybe it was never there to begin with. Was it just an illusion?

“Ivy, we're finished. I am leaving tomorrow. My assignment with Verán Publishers as their intern photographer has been approved. Lucien is picking me up.” I pivot towards the window because there’s nothing more to say. This is our goodbye. My chest is tight with the anguish of never seeing her again. Never holding her, never kissing her, never being inside her. The pain in my heart is unbearable. It’s as if someone’s taken a sharpened blade and carved me open.

My soul is shattering into fragments that seem to pierce every part of me. I refuse to let her see my crumbling confidence. I can’t waiver from my arrangement with her dad. I know I was being a dick by settling, but I had no alternative. My mother is in prison and who knows where my father is. All I have is Lucien, my best friend, and the clothes on my back. I have to make something of myself or I will become like the parents that were given to me in this life.

“Jayce, please?” Her tone is low and I can hear the strain etched in it. This is harder than I expected. Taking a sharp breath, I turn to her. The tears sparkling in her exquisite blue eyes constrict my throat and I have to swallow the lump forming.

“Ivy, get the fuck out. I don’t need you or your father’s money. So leave me alone. We’re finished. No more fucking games. There will be no more making daddy angry with the guy he doesn’t approve of. I am done. You will never see me again. Ever.” Without another word I storm into my bedroom, slamming the door and leaning against the hard panel. Her sobs echo through the thin wood and it takes every fucking ounce of restraint I have not to go to her and give her the ring I bought.

Moments later I hear the door slam. She left without a word. Fuck. Opening the bedroom door, I wander into my kitchen and clutch the bottle of scotch and pour a double, hoping to ease my misery.

At least I’m not driving tomorrow. Luke will have to just deal with my hung-over ass. Flopping onto the sofa, I replay what I just did in my mind. It’s an endless repetition. I crushed her, there is no denying it. Even though I realized this would be a total fuck up, I never thought it would break me too. I wonder what Lucien will say once I tell him what just happened. He knows how much her dad hates me.

Anger runs through my veins, burning me from the inside out. I lost her. I fucking let her leave because I had no choice. My fingers squeeze the glass so hard I’m sure it will shatter in my hand. No other woman will be enough, I know that. She was mine, my every-fucking-thing. I am such a fucking screw-up. I can’t even keep the woman I love. Swallowing the scotch neat, I hurl the tumbler against the living room wall and watch as it shatters. Just like my heart.

T
he dream
that plagues my nights has me bolting up suddenly and glancing around my empty bedroom. The girl who is eternally a part of me. 
How do you get over your first love?
 I glance at the glowing numbers of the alarm clock on my nightstand. Three am. There’s no way I will be able to go back to sleep now. Swinging my legs off the edge of my bed, I clutch my phone. I need caffeine and a session at the gym.

It’s still dark out, so when I reach the kitchen I turn the lights on and take in the mess of leftover containers. The life of a bachelor. With the coffee machine on and my mug ready, I head to the windows, opening them wide. The air outside is warm, a guarantee of a beautiful day on the West Coast. I grew up along this coast in San Diego, but the best decision I ever made was moving to Los Angeles. I found what I would consider a family with my best friend. Lucien has been like a brother, supporting me and giving me a chance in life.

Taking in the view from my apartment, I can’t stop the images from my dream running through my mind. The memory of Ivy’s face crumpled in agony is seared into my heart. The hurt I caused her, there is no way I could make it right. I could have explained why I said the things I did, but there was no point. Her father would never have allowed me to be with her. He regarded me as a hindrance, someone that would destroy her future, and someone that needed dealing with.

I didn’t grow up with money. When you’re made to feel like you’re not good enough your entire life, nothing can ever alter your perception. She was my salvation. For the short time I had her I felt worthy. Ivy didn't see me the way everybody else did. She saw the person underneath all the turmoil and ugliness. She saw my truth.

My family was less than ideal. Everyday was a dismal reminder of how different I was compared to the rest of the children I spent time with. My mother worked for Lucien’s father for a brief time, cleaning their home. When I turned ten, I would tag along and that’s how we met. He found me one day scrubbing the bathroom floor, and he explained that only girls did housework. We both chuckled, and I told him how my mom needed help.

It came as an utter shock when he dropped to his knees beside me and helped me. He came across as friendly, down to earth, and he accepted me for who I was. I didn’t have to pretend with him. He wasn’t like the other rich kids.

His father saw our friendship growing and would invite me over for lunch and dinner most days and that’s how Luke and I became best friends. I hated when his dad took him on trips because I missed him.

The fact that I loathed school didn’t help my situation and I forced myself to go because I realized I had to work hard to make it out of the hole I called home. I needed to establish myself, to be more than the fuck up everyone thought I was. My creative eye was present from a young age, and I knew that becoming a photographer was what I wanted to do.

I used to spend days with Luke at his house where I could escape and just be myself. We had great fun until his father remarried and they moved to Los Angeles. Needless to say that Luke’s new step-mother Claudia Verán was my least favorite person. She would sneer at me continuously and tell me I wasn’t worthy of being friends with Lucien. He isn’t even her fucking son.

When he returned from LA or Spain, he would visit a few weeks at a time. We would sneak into the pool house and hang out. She didn't notice. It was the only time in my life I remember having some semblance of a normal childhood. As we got older, I grew less afraid of her. Luke is the only one who knows every detail about who I am and where I come from.

He even knows that I screwed his wife. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t judge me. Cassie and Luke weren’t married when I was with her. They had an ugly break up. She was single and me being the bad boy I am; I swooped in. She loved him with all her heart and that’s why I did it. I did what I always do by going for someone unattainable to stop myself from falling. I helped her get over the pain and I dulled mine if only for a short while. Knowing I wouldn’t feel anything for her because I knew she belonged to him, we had fun. It’s the only way I’ve found I could survive. After Ivy, I can’t bring myself to love, or even risk the possibility. I never want to go through that kind of misery again. To see the one person who made you whole walk out because you made them.

So I enjoy what little I can in life with some quick and casual thrills. All I can say is my best friend is a lucky man. I love them both so much; they are my family and with the baby on the way; I get to be an uncle.  Luke will be a great dad.

The beep of the coffee machine drags me from my thoughts. Filling my mug, I stroll onto my balcony deep in thought about having a family of my own. Staring out at the horizon, the sun is just coming up, and the sky looks as if it’s on fire. Cassie and Luke want me to move on, she’s even set me up with her best friend Kenna a few times. Even though Ken is a beautiful girl and a hot fuck, she’s not
her,
and I can’t date. I’m not wired that way.

So, Kenna and I reached an agreement which serves us both. We are adults having fun, but there is nothing more. There can be nothing more. When your heart has experienced true love, there isn’t anything else that it will accept. For too long I have been raw from the pain. The blood that pumps through my veins has turned to ice. No longer do I feel passion or affection. When
she
walked out the door, when I pushed
her
away, I lost half of who I was.

T
he paintbrush sweeps
across the canvas. Dark blue strokes make up the sea, reminding me of her sapphire eyes. Nothing will bring her back. She’s gone and my life remains incomplete.

Shattered.

Broken.

Fragmented.

Our relationship was severed, piercing my heart, and it was my choice. Now there is nothing left. When I step backward and stare at the painting, I recognize the girl staring at me.

This is ridiculous. Shaking my head to rid my mind of images of her, I glance at my drink. Picking up the bottle I finish the beer in one long draw and pray for delirium. To be numb. It never comes. My hands shake with resentment and failure. I should call Luke; he is the one person who understands.

In the kitchen, I open the fridge and grab another ice-cold bottle. With my phone in hand, I hit dial. “Jayce.” His voice is weary and I don’t blame him. This man knows me better than anyone.

“I had those dreams again. Ivy’s face is fucking haunting me and I need a distraction.” My chest tightens and I hear his intake of breath. He's put up with me for months. Years. Every time I try to move on, and try to live my life, she’s there. I thought Kenna would help bury my memories, but when she’s not here, they assault me like punches to the gut, leaving me gasping for air. That’s why I spend my time buried in any woman who is willing. Trying to fuck the ghost of the girl with the blonde hair and blue eyes out of my mind.

“I’m coming over.”

Shaking my head, I lean over, my elbows on the kitchen counter. “No, it’s cool man, I just needed to talk.”

“There isn’t anything anybody can say that will help. It doesn’t heal like that.”

“I know. I only want it to stop, just for a moment. A minute where I don’t ache.” My voice is rough with emotion. My throat ragged from beer and lack of sleep.

“Nobody understands that more than me. You know that. I wish I could do something.”

“Thanks, Luke. Will you be in the office tomorrow?” I question needing to change the subject.

“Yeah, the marketing meeting is important. I have to be there. You got the paperwork for me?”

“I do. See you then.”

“Jayce,” he’s silent for so long, I think the call cut. “Go find her.” Before I can answer, he hangs up. Standing alone in my kitchen, my gaze settles on the photo, a smashed frame on the mantel that’s always been there. The silhouette of curves. She loved posing for me. When I first got my camera, she modeled for me.

My inspiration.

My muse.

My Firefly.

“
J
ayce
!” Her giggle is sweet and melodic, echoing through the empty field. We’re only ten miles away from home. Her home. I live on the other side of town. I observe her, she’s so delicate, so pure. Ivy, she’s part of the elite. Her father owns a massive publishing corporation. He’s what they call a self-made millionaire. The issue is, he makes sure I know it. From the first day I strode into his mansion, he has rejected any notion of me. The boy with the worn jeans and t-shirt would never be good enough for his princess. Ivy didn’t feel that way though; money was a means to an end. She looked at everyone as equals.

“What is it, Firefly?” Stalking towards her, I lift the camera and snap a shot of her. The sun sinking behind the horizon, and the rich red and orange hues are glowing in the sky, making her hair shine like golden silk. Those baby blues that trap me focus on the daisy she’s found.

“Look, Jayce, it’s a ladybug.” We do this everyday. She loves to come out to the field and spend hours peering at the surrounding beauty. Me, I stare at her. Her light outshines everything, and it trickles into my heart like sunrays shining through storm clouds. I am falling in love with this girl, and I don’t see myself coming back from the descent.

“Well leave her be, baby. She prefers to sit on the flower, not your finger.” She giggles again, a gentle melody that’s better than any song I have heard. Her gaze sweeps across to me, she beams as I near her. “It will get dark soon. Let’s go to our spot.”

I slip my hand in hers; it fits in mine perfectly. We stroll over to the open field; the sun is almost gone, and the darkness envelops us. All we can see is a sliver of light. “Jayce, will we be together forever?” Sapphire pools bore into me. Her stare is like a ray of hope in the despair I live with daily.

“Yes, Ivy. We will.”

My answer is confident, sure that we will grow old together. Her loving gaze warms my skin, with that inquisitive nature she’s got. Reminding me of a curious kitten, asking questions, desiring to experience more. “How do you know?”

“Because you’re my Firefly. If ever I lost my way, and we were apart, you would light the path for me to get back to you.” With a light peck on her nose, I turn and observe the horizon again. “And I will never be lost with you beside me. That means I can’t leave you. Let’s relax and wait for them.”

I brought her here on our first date. We came here after dinner and we saw these tiny lights gliding in the air. Ivy being the inquisitive kitten she is, ran toward them and as we got closer, we found hundreds of fireflies. One landed on her shoulder and then just as suddenly took off into the night. When she peered up at me, her smile lit up my entire life and that’s why she’s my Firefly.

T
he alarm clock
drones on my nightstand. A pounding headache shakes me. Dreams of my beautiful blonde fade as I swing my legs over the edge of the mattress. Today, I need to get my head screwed on straight. Lucien is counting on me and I can't let him down. I shove off the bed and head to the kitchen. After last night’s call to him, I locked the door to my studio and flopped on my bed. I’m seeing Kenna tonight, which I’m looking forward to. Her green eyes are a contrast to the blue that torment me. The only similarity between the two girls is their passion for posing for my camera.

I haven’t yet tried the rope play with Ken, she’s not Ivy and I don’t trust myself with anyone other than my Firefly. Even though I spent time in the club with Lucien, the women there are seeking to be bound.

The first order of business is coffee. The intercom buzzes, interrupting my approach to the kitchen. “Hello?”

“Jayce, it’s me. Let me up.” Kenna is at my door, and I realize there’s only one thing she could want. She’s sweet, funny, and so fucking sassy it drives me crazy. I buzz her into the building and open my front door. I hear her bounding up the stairs and when she reaches the top, she jumps into my arms, knocking me breathless. It’s way too early for anyone to be so cheerful and wide-awake.