Shattered by Love (5 page)

L
ast night was good
, great in fact, but deep down I realize I can’t keep doing this. Once the wedding has come and gone, I am leaving LA. I don’t have anything tying me to this city and I can make a clean start somewhere else. My best friend will understand once I explain it to him and Cassie.

I flop onto my bed, stare at the gray ceiling and wonder where I could go. Luke spent more time here than I ever did. It’s never been home to me, I suppose it’s because I am not with the woman I love. I ran away from my past, from Ivy, my mother—and everything I knew—to this place.

“
Y
ou’re running around
with that spoiled brat. Don’t you bring him into my fucking house, you hear me?” Staring at my mother, I realize she’s drunk again. The money that we saved for dinner she spent on cheap bourbon. Her face is contorted with anger and all I want to do is run.

“Yes, I know.” Turning towards my room, I shut the door behind me, hoping to block out her hollering. There’ll be men in here later, there always are. They don’t bother me, and I don’t bother them because my life means more to me since most of them are nasty fuckers. She does it for the drugs and her downward spiral has gotten worse. I doubt she’ll ever come back from it.

I have no idea why I come home. Why I even bother seeing her when she’s like this.

Grabbing my jacket, I shrug it on and make my way out to the driveway. Hopping on my bike, I head toward my best friend’s place, as I weave through the cars, his house becomes visible; a two-level mansion with large windows that overlook the park.

His bedroom has its own private balcony with an incredible view. He has a built-in closet that’s about the same size of my bedroom, it’s pure fucking luxury. Parking my bike against the fence, I lock the chain in place and bound up the stairs to the front door but before I can knock, it swings open. Lucien’s green eyes are sparkling with mischief and I wonder what he’s got planned for us today.

I have been coming here for so long it’s like my second home. We’re on spring break which I dread, because I have to see my mother and as he takes in my expression, he frowns. “Jay. Are you okay?” I shake my head as I step inside. “Is she drunk again?”

“Yeah, you know. The usual.” I reply as we make our way upstairs. When his step-mother is home, we hide out in his room since she’s a tyrant and seems to hate me. No idea why since I have done nothing to anger her.

“What do you want to do? Studying sucks. Maybe we should go to the cheerleading practice, Ivy is there.” Our eyes lock and I can’t help the grin that spreads on my face. That blonde beauty will be the death of me. She is the head of the cheerleading squad. I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. She made my heart race and my dick hard.

I haven’t spoken to her yet because I am away at college in LA and come back home only when we have a break it’s not enough time to get into something serious. I know she graduates this year, and she’s applied and been accepted to UCLA.

“Let’s do that. Maybe we’ll find you a girl too.” Jumping up, we head down to Luke’s car, the Mustang, his father bought him when he turned sixteen. It’s a beautiful piece of machinery, and to be honest, I am jealous. He’s a lucky fucker. I guess I am too because he’s been my best friend for most of my life. His dad has accepted our friendship and treats me like I am part of his family.

My own father didn’t even give me a proper goodbye. I was told by a lawyer that I got a small trust fund when I turned eighteen which I needed to use for college, but other than that, I haven’t seen him since I was a child. I suppose he couldn’t take my mother any more, he’s lucky to be rid of her. Even though she carried me for nine months, she’s never been a parent. There is no love between us and I doubt there ever will be.

“Dude, pull in over there, I have to check out the photography store.” It’s Saturday afternoon and they’re closing soon. Luke pulls into the parking spot and I jump out before he’s killed the engine. I stare at the beautiful Canon EOS 7D Mark II in the window even though I can’t afford it right now. Life hasn’t afforded me many luxuries, but soon all that will change. I am still studying for my Bachelor of Fine Arts degree and my focus is on photography. That’s where my passion lies, it always has.

My choice to push further for a Masters degree has me excited at the possibilities. It’s another two or three years to study, but in the long run, it will give me a future worth living for. I turn twenty-one in two months, and Lucien’s dad has promised me an internship once I am ready.

“Is this the one you were telling me about?” I nod. Luke walks into the store and I watch him talking to the man behind the counter. My eyes drop to my shoes. I can’t bring myself to walk inside. Moments later the bell rings on the door and my best friend leans toward me. “This is yours. Happy birthday, brother.” My gaze snaps up to him.

“No way. I can’t take this Luke.”

“Sure you can. One day when you’re my lead photographer at Verán Publishers, pay me back.” He winks and strolls away, unlocking the car and sliding into the driver’s seat with a shit eating grin on his face. Fucker knows me too well.

M
y phone buzzes
on the nightstand ripping me from the memory. Grabbing it, I slide my finger across the screen and find a message from Kenna.

*
T
hanks for last night
. You helped more than you know. K *

A
smile curls
my lips and I hit reply.

*
A
nd you distracted me
, more than you know. *

I
t’s true
, she did. For that time, I got lost in the fantasy we played out, but when I woke up this morning and she was gone, I realized I can’t do it anymore. I reach for the remote and turn on the television. Instead of watching the damn thing, I need it for the noise because the silence becomes too much living alone.

Most of my teenage years were spent with my earphones in to keep the noise out. Now, when it’s too quiet, I can’t handle it. When the news starts, I am about to switch channels, but my attention is drawn by the girl on screen. My heart is about to beat its way out of my chest and anxiety coils deep in my gut. This can’t be happening, but it’s right there in black and white.

The past I steered clear of all these years is about to burst into my life and crash through the high fucking walls I built, dragging me into the turmoil and pain all over again.

As the images on the screen play out, showing the venue, I can’t think straight. The blonde hair and blue eyes are so familiar. The soon-to-be bride smiles at the camera, she’s so polished. All her life she’s practiced for this day. Just like her daddy would want, it’s the picture perfect family.

She’s marrying Cole Ashford.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I am going to Ivy’s sister’s wedding, and there’s no doubt I will see my girl. My girl. Even though I walked away, she will always be mine.

There won’t be anyone else who can make me feel, breathe, ache, the way she did. The way she still does. My Firefly. Rooted inside my heart, mind, and soul, inside the very marrow of my bones.

I grab my phone and scroll through my recently called list. As I am about to tap the call button, it vibrates. He’s probably just seen the news as well. “Luke.”

“Holy shit man. What are you going to do?”

“This is a big deal for Verán Publishers, there’s no way I can refuse the job.” There isn’t a way to just tell one of our biggest new clients I can’t work for him. They requested me personally and Lacey must know who I am.
Why would she ask for me by name?
There is no explanation that makes sense.

“Jayce, one of the other guys can go.” I consider his words, but this is my job and I can’t let the company down. We have exclusive rights to the wedding, and the contract alone is worth a cool million.

My mouth is as dry as the Sahara Desert. Arid and uncomfortable. Panic slowly sets in as my heart thuds in my chest, and the lump forming in my throat makes it hard to swallow. “Jay?”

I can’t find the words to answer him. Shaking my head, I turn off the television. The screen goes black and I inhale a deep calming breath. Only, there will be nothing to calm the stress I am feeling right now.

“I don’t know.” It’s the truth.
I don’t know
. The sigh from the other end of the line has my body tense. He knows that seeing Ivy will knock me on my ass. The love of your life, the one that got away, walking back into your world is something no person can prepare you for.

“You know I support whatever you want. Don’t fuck yourself up over this.” He’s right, and I know he will support me if I decide not to do this.

Can I really see her again?
Yes.

Can I see her father and not want to knock him the fuck out?
Maybe not.

Will she talk to me?
I hope so.

There are so many questions running rampant in my head, but I decide there and then. All I can hope is that it’s the right choice. I do want this, to see her. I want to look into those blue eyes and see if she still feels something for me.

“Don’t worry about me, I can do this.” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I shut my eyes. The lie turns my stomach. This isn’t any job, this one will change my life and I’m not sure if it will be for better or worse. My voice is thick with emotion and he will hear it in my voice.

“Look, Jayce, that woman is ingrained in your fucking soul, there’s no way around not letting it fuck with your head. Both of you are going to get hit with emotions long buried. If you love her, then you need to tell her why you left. The truth needs to fucking come out, or you’re both going to live with this shit your whole life.” My gaze lifts to my bedroom window as Luke’s words sink in. I know he’s right, and it annoys me.

“I’m supposed to tell her I left because her father threatened me?” I question incredulously.
How can I tell her that because of her father’s conniving ways I walked out on her?
I let her go.

“Yes, you should. Honesty, is your best option. Jayce, she loved you once, she probably still does.”

“And if she doesn’t?” The tightening in my chest as the words leave my mouth suffocates me. Not knowing if she loves me is killing me. He’s right; I have to talk to her.

“Jay, you knew her better than anyone, better than her own father did. Do you really think she didn’t love you?” The ache that the thought brings on renders me speechless. Memories of her smile, those sparkling blue eyes, her sweet giggle all surround me, squeezing my heart till I am gasping for breath. “Jayce.” Lucien’s voice snaps me out of the tunnel of memories assaulting me like a wave knocking a surfer from his board. It’s gripping me and pulling me deeper under the swell.

“I know. No. I mean, I know she loved me. But that’s just the problem. It was years ago. I am older, so is she and five years is a long time. I left her. I threw her out of my apartment.”

“Yes, it’s been too long. Grow a pair and talk to her. Make things right, if you don’t, you’ll never be able to move on.” I swing my legs off the bed and push off it. Stalking to the window, I take in the ink sky.

“What if I don’t want to move on?” My voice is rough. His sigh is evidence enough that he’s frustrated. He is trying to help and I am being a dick.

“Then don’t. I can’t force you to, but you have to realize, you’ll end up alone for the rest of your life.” The line is quiet for a long time and I think my best friend has hung up on my sorry ass, but then he continues. “Jayce, I want you to find what I have with Cass, and I know it will never be Kenna. And you know how I know that?” He doesn’t wait for my answer to continue. “Because you’re still in love with Ivy. You always will be.”

“Yeah. I have to go.” Before he can give me more shit, I hang up and head to the studio. Uncovering the canvas I worked on the previous day, I tug off my tee and pick up my palette. It’s messy with colors smudged together, the acrid scent of turpentine is rife and I take a deep breath. The smell never fails to calm me. Memories haunt me as I gaze at the faded blue on the canvas in front of me.