Squirrel Cage (22 page)

It was still Sunday morning and the service was in the afternoon. I had plenty of time to think about this. I will never be able to describe the struggle that I had. Abandoning my own faith was unconscionable. I was a cult member. I did not know it at that time. But during my lifetime, I had given my very being to the church. If they asked me for my
first-born
, they would have had him.

Now please understand, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS, commonly called Mormon) is not necessarily a cult religion. Any faith can be the umbrella under which a member can become a cultist. I literally thought my life would end without it. I sat in my small chair in my small living room and mulled it over for over an hour.

But I’d been thinking about it longer than that in reality. Just to take the effort to pick up the phonebook and make that first call had taken me months of thought and reflection. If I became a member of another faith, I knew that I would become a son of perdition
(there are no daughters of perdition)
. In the LDS faith this is someone who has come to know Christ and then denied him. The son of perdition is fit to spend eternity with all other sons of perdition and Satan himself. In my mind I could make no distinction between Christ and the LDS faith. To me they were intertwined and inseparable.

And what of the doctrines that I truly believed?
That the president of the LDS church was the only true prophet of God.
I mulled this over as I drank a Diet Coke. “Now anyone knows that if you sin, by drinking a Diet Coke, while pondering religious matters, then the result of that thought is invalid,” the
Squirrel
jested.

“What? Shut up
Squirrel
”.

“Okay, let’s back up and think this through again.” Was that the
Squirrel
or was that me?

“Cindi you silly girl, don’t you know that we are one and the same?”

“Yes I know”

“Then why do we play this stupid game?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know”.

“Okay, we should start over.” “What do you mean we, girl?”

“Damnit!
Can’t you shut up while I think this through?”

“Okay, that’s what the
task is this morning isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Wait a minute… “who said what?” I asked myself.
And the answer was “does it matter? We are one and the same.”

“Okay, the prophet is the only conduit to God who can speak for all people on earth right?”

“Correct”.

“Good.
So church doctrine should cover my problem.
This is a modern day problem and the prophet should know about these things. He then should have passed this knowledge on to his apostles, right?”

“That follows.”

“And that knowledge should have been passed on to me through the senior Church leadership. I’ve talked to my mission president twice and both times he told me to pray, get married and go to the temple. Right?”

“Yup.”

“And he is a general authority of the church.”

“Well that should count for something.”

“So, I’ve done everything that he and other church leaders have told me to do.”

“And that didn’t work.”

“Nope”.

“Ah, but did I do it long enough?”
No answer.
No answer.
I wondered how long I should suffer this anguish before God would bless me and repair my broken mind. “How long did Job wait?” one of us asked. Despair flooded my mind.

“Well Cindi, what else are you going today if you don’t go? Just mope around in your depression, listen to old records, and get all melancholy on me?”

“Damn it, will you never leave me alone
Squirrel
?”

“No, never.” “Somehow I knew that would be the answer.”

“Okay Cindi, think of this. They have told you that your sin is second only to murder. What’s that compared to going to another Church’s service?
It’s not like you have never done that before in your life”

“That sort of makes sense doesn’t it?”

“Of course it does.”

Squirrel was sometimes right, but more often than not, wrong where sin was concerned.
But it had a point.
I wasn’t welcome in my church. Oh I was welcome as David. But David was almost gone.
There was only an hour left before the service started. “Okay, we are going to go.”

“What have you to lose?” queried the
Squirrel
.

“
Wait a minute!
Squirrel are you a he or a she
Squirrel
?”

“Cindi, I am and always have been a female
Squirrel
. We are one and the same.”

“Of course we are. Why am I talking to myself? This is totally absurd,” I thought.

“Perhaps it is. But have I ever led you astray?” she queried.

“Just about every damned day of my life” I answered.

“No I haven’t,” she said firmly.

I decided that arguing with myself was pointless. I would miss the meeting. Without additional thought, I prepared myself to attend Church. My own hair was long but not cut in a feminine way yet. “The wig” was the only hair I had.
It was a bit punky in a Pat Benetar sort of way, but still looked nice.
I looked in the mirror.
“Sure, it can look very nice if I just do this and that… a little hairspray.”
And it did look very nice. I donned a very nice linen suit with pastel colors.
I wore a white blouse, a simple string of pearls, and simple matching shoes.
I stared in the mirror for a few minutes. And then I left.

I found the chapel and a parking spot. I parked my car and grabbed my bag.

“When will you call that thing a purse?” asked
Squirrel
.

“Probably never, I like the word bag.”

“Okay, okay, bag is fine.”

I quickly passed through the doors.
I wanted to slip in the back and sit down without being noticed. And for the most part, I did. There were a few families there and many single people. I could see a fellow up near the pulpit dressed in clergy drag. Yes, that’s what I call it. I’ve called it that for longer than I know. It was my personal way of showing that people can dress in many ways. And who’s to say what is right and who is wrong?

It was clear that he was the leader of the congregation, perhaps a priest or pastor?
I did not know the proper term.
A few people turned to look at me when I slipped in
,
but not many. I had slipped in right before services started.
The piano prelude ended. “Well at least that part is the same,” I considered.
The leader rose from his seat and took his place at the pulpit. He started to make a few announcements.
They were trying to raise funds to purchase a new chapel. “So many things are universal,” I grinned to myself.

I noticed the family next to me had a program that they were reviewing.
The father noticed my interest.
Clearly seeing that I was new, he passed me the program. The church leader’s name was Pastor Bruce Johnson. Well at least I now knew how to address him.

After the announcements were finished we sang a hymn as a congregation. “Crap!” I thought to myself. “I can’t sing here.”

“But Cindi, you can sing the alto part,”
Squirrel
said.

“Yes I can,” I replied to myself quietly. So I sang the alto part, lightly so as no one would notice the real strain from the tenor voice.
Okay... I was really a baritone.
But I could sing tenor and could reach the alto parts when singing softly.
I enjoyed the hymn.
It was one I had never heard before. “Our God is like an Eagle”.

Pastor Johnson rose again to present his talk... “Okay,” I said to myself, “lets’ get rid of the LDS lingo. This is his sermon, it is not a talk.”
And his sermon was just what I needed to hear.

He read from Luke10:25 through
37.
The story speaks of a lawyer attempting to catch Jesus in a trick by asking “what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” The trick was to have him answer with one of the written commandments.
The lawyer then might denounce Jesus by noting another commandment that might be greater.
Jesus answered “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all they heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with thy entire mind; and thy neighbor as thyself.”
Jesus then went on to tell the story of the Good Samaritan who helped an unknown soul on the side of the highway to describe just who “thy neighbor” might be.

Pastor Johnson posed the question “Is there any greater commandment than to love God and to love your neighbor?”

“No,” he answered passionately.

He went on “Jesus taught us that we must unconditionally love and accept everyone.
Jesus loved the sinners just as he loved the righteous. Our love and charity must extend to all.
And this does not mean to those only in this congregation.
It must extend to everyone.”

“You’ve read these passages Cindi.”

“Yes I have,” I answered
Squirrel
,
“You knew then as you now know. This is truth.”

“Yes it is.”

“Well then Cindi, what would happen if you were to walk into an LDS service today?”

“Probably nothing because I wouldn’t tell them anything.”

“And if you were to tell them?”

“They would probably ask me not to return.”

“There you go. Introduce yourself after the meeting. Let’s see what happens.”

And I did.
After the meeting, everyone moved into the adjoining reception hall for punch and cookies.

“Hey, they never had cookies after sacrament service at home!”

“Look Squirrel, you are going to shut up while I introduce myself, Okay?”
I stopped by the table of cookies. There was a bottle for donations.
I knew that I had two dollars and 93 cents in my wallet.
And I had only 7 eggs back at the apartment. And that was all I had for the next 7 days. “Well, I can have one egg each day.
I have enough gas for the week. I’m good.” I opened my wallet and put a dollar in the jar.
I filled a cup with punch and took three cookies.
I secretly put two cookies in my bag and nibbled slowly on the one left in my hand. I would only eat half and save the rest for later.

A woman stepped up to me and extended her hand.
“Hello.
My name is Sandy.”

“My name is Cindi,” I replied.

“Is this your first time here?”

“Yes.”

“Welcome then, it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“I observed that there are a lot of single people here,” I noted.
Sandy smiled wryly. “Cindi, did you know that this was a gay and lesbian church?”

“No,” I replied. “But didn’t I see families here?”

“Yes Cindi, all are welcome here.”

“Well, that is what I had heard from someone recently,” I mumbled. “Cindi, Bruce gave that same sermon just two weeks ago,” she smiled. “I think that he gave it today for your benefit.”

“No kidding?” I asked. “I think so,” Sandy answered.

I glanced around the room.
I noticed one or two men that were somewhat effeminate and I did quickly see a few women that were butch looking. But other than that, most looked pretty normal to me.
I had been exposed to gay people in my travels but these people seemed subdued and down right normal.

“Quite honestly Sandy, this is new for me.” I said.

“Well Cindi, why did you come to our church today?” she asked in a very friendly way. I felt absolutely no animosity from her at all.

“You are going to love this. I am a transsexual and I’m looking for a place where I can worship.”

“Okay, that’s nice,” she went on “Are you going to be a man?
I’ve never met a transsexual before,” she said.

“No Sandy, I’m going to be a woman.” She then took a step back and turned to her friend and said “She’s going to be a woman. Humph.
Look here Cindi; I think that you are already there dear.”

“Believe me,” I said “this is very difficult. The first thing I’ve told you about myself is that I’m transsexual. I’ve never been able to tell anyone that before. And I’ve just met you.”

“Cindi” she started, radiating a saintly glow “Didn’t you listen to Bruce’s sermon?

“Yes I did. And with great interest.”

“Cindi, contrary to other experiences you may have had, we truly try to love everyone here,” she went on “Oh look, here comes Bruce.”

Bruce threaded his way directly through the mass of people and came straight away to me.
He was gunning for me.
I could tell.
“Hello, I am Pastor Bruce, but you can call me Bruce. Everyone else does. So tell me dear. What brings you to MCC today?” he
asked
as he extended his hand.