Stages of Grace (16 page)

Jon hands me the parking ticket and we leave, not having to pay since Jon had parked less than an hour. I wish he was driving but don’t say anything about it.

"How was your week?" I ask.

"Fine."

Silence.

I turn on the radio to fill the void. When we get back to our apartment, Jon helps me carry the larger case up the stairs. He stays in the front room while I go to our bedroom to call Kate.
"I just wanted to let you know I made it home safe."

"Oh, thank you, dear. Did you have a good flight?"

"It was fine. Thank you."

"I miss you already, dear."

"I miss you too, Kate."

"Well, I hope you'll come back and see me again soon."

"I'll try."

When we end our call, I unpack my bag, happy that I don’t have laundry to deal with. As I hang the sweater Kate knit, I decide I’ll wear it the next day. When I’m finished putting my things away, I go to the kitchen to make a snack. There isn’t much to eat. Jon is sitting in his chair watching me.

"I think I'll run to the store and pick some things up. Would you like to go with?"

"I'll stay here."

"Is there anything I can get for you?"

"I'm good."

I’m better dressed for the cold on this outing, hat and gloves on. I stop to get gas while I’m out so I won’t have to do it the next day before going on to the store. I walk the aisles in a daze, randomly filling my cart. I pick up ground beef and stuffing to make for dinner Sunday. It seems like everything I'm getting I had eaten at Kate's: a cantaloupe, muffins, eggs, and wine. Will eating the same foods make me feel like I’m still with them? I pick up more food than I had intended and have to make three trips from the car up the stairs to bring it all up. Even Jon seems surprised by the amount of food as he gets up to help me unload.

"Wine?"

"Why not? Want to open it and have a glass with me?"

Jon's brows come together above the bridge of his nose before he pulls a bottle opener out of one of the kitch
en drawers. Our wine glasses are a bit dusty, from lack of use. Jon rinses and dries them before he pours us a glass.

I lift my glass and motion for Jon to lift his as well.
"To home."

He hesitates before touching his glass to mine and taking a drink.

I'd pick up an easy skillet meal for two out of the frozen section of the store. It’s an Italian chicken dish. It’s a bit early for dinner but not by much, so I go ahead and make it since I’m hungry. While it’s cooking, I steam a bag of frozen broccoli in the microwave. I smile when Jon puts plates out on the table. When dinner is ready, we sit together and eat. Jon gets up during our meal to refill our glasses. Maybe this can work.

The wine goes to my head, and I go to bed earlier than normal. Part of me is disappointed when Jon makes no move to follow me. As I drift to sleep, I mourn the loss of Kate's comfortable bed and I wonder if Kate and Ryan are still up, sitting by the pool. My last thought before sleep overtakes me is if they are missing me as well.

The next morning when I wake, it takes me a moment to figure out where I am. I turn my head to see Jon quietly sleeping beside me. After looking at the time on my phone, I decide there is no point trying to fall back asleep. I wander out to the kitchen and make a cup of coffee before warming up a muffin in the microwave and coating it with butter. I take my muffin and coffee over to the table and slowly nibble it and sip my coffee while they cool. Wanting some fruit I get up and am slicing a cantaloupe in half when Jon walks out. He nods in my direction, pours himself a cup of coffee and sits in his armchair.

"Is there anything you needed to do today?"

He pauses for a beat to consider my question, then shakes his head and turns on the TV. I take my cantaloupe and sit back down at the table, my back to him. I pinch my eyes shut as I try not to let my hopes fall. Is this what it’s going to be like between us? I'd hoped that my absence would in some way make Jon miss me. If Jon had missed me, he isn’t showing it. I can’t help but wonder what he's thinking. Is he even happy?

I slowly dig my spoon into the flesh of the fruit, my knuckles hitting the inside of the bowl I had made with its rind. My mind drifts to Ryan, to the feel of his arms around me as he said goodbye. I can still picture him as he stood in the airport to greet me that first day. I turn back to look at Jon as he watches TV. Now that he was working again, I'd hoped he would come out of whatever funk he seemed to be in.

Steeling myself, I get up and go sit closer to him on the sofa. "I think we should talk."

He mutes the TV. "About?"

I take a deep breath "Us."

"I'm listening."

"It feels like we don’t talk anymore."

He shrugs "We're talking right now."

"It didn’t use to be like this."

"Like what?"

I close my eyes."It just feels like you don’t even like me."

"I do."

"Do you?" I blush, opening my eyes. "You haven’t even touched me since I've been home."

Jon looks down at his hands.

"My grandmother asked me to move to Florida."

He hesitates "Are you?"

"I'm thinking about it."

His eyes search mine "What's stopping you?"

"You. Us."

He pauses "I think you should go" he says then looks away.

I struggle to take a breath. It feels like my lungs are burning. "You don’t want me to stay?"

He doesn’t respond, just turns back to the TV and
unmutes it. My mouth drops as I process what has just happened. That’s it? That is what I have been waiting to hear all of this time? I stand, pulling the belt of my robe snug around my waist as I slowly walk back to our bedroom to lie down. I pull Jon's pillow to my chest and breathe in his scent. He thinks I should go. He had not even followed me knowing I was upset. He is lost to me. My Jon who had loved me is gone. I unplug my phone from the charger and call Kate.

"Kate?"

"Grace, are you alright?"

"I'll move to Florida."

"What happened? Are you alright?"

I’m crying and not able to reply right away. I can hear Ryan in the background and then some shuffling as I picture Kate handing him the phone.

"Grace?"

"I'm here."

"You sound like you're crying. Is everything okay?"

"I think Jon just broke up with me."

"Fucking idiot."

I hear him cover the speaker and say something to Kate.

"Kate says you'll move down."

"Mm hmm."

"Right away?"

"I have to call my boss and see if Jon can take over the lease. It renews next month. Maybe we'll both just move out."

"Kate wants to know if you're all right staying there in the mean time."

I rest my head on my hand "I guess. Part of me wishes I never came back."

"Everything's going to be okay. Kate and I are here to help you."

I look up and see Jon leaning on the doorframe.

"I need to go."

"Well, call back after you talk to your boss."

"Okay. Bye."

"So you're going to go?" Jon asks.

I nod, setting my phone on the bedside table.

"Was that your grandmother?"

"Yes."

We speak for a few minutes. Jon doesn’t think he can afford the place by himself and wants to see if I will still pay my share of the bills the last month even if I’m not there.
Money. That’s what he had been concerned about. I have no desire to fight and agree. Before he leaves, he tells me he will start sleeping on the couch. That makes sense; no reason to still share a bed. After he goes back into the front room, I pull my knees up into my chest and rock back and forth slowly. My mind is telling me I should be crying but no tears come. It's more of a “what just happened?” feeling. I'm scared I don't know how to be around him for the next two weeks. I want to say I feel relieved but I don’t. If anything, I feel numb.

I pull out my laptop and type an email to my manager explaining that my grandmother has asked me to move to Florida, and since she is my last remaining relative, I feel it is something that I should do and that I need to give my two weeks’ notice. The email address is my boss's personal email so I’m not surprised when my phone starts ringing thirty minutes later. I have worked in that doctor's office longer than I have dated Jon. My manager is worried I’m making a rash decision and is calling more as a friend than an employer.

We talk for over an hour. I tell her all about Florida and my grandmother. I tell her about learning I had an uncle and how he had died. It’s when I talk about Kate and the relationship we're forming that Kim, my manager, gets it. Kim had been there for me after the deaths of my parents, and while she doesn’t know everything that has been going on with Jon, she suspected something was wrong. When I tell her that Jon told me I should go Kim isn’t surprised. Kim admits that during the time Jon had been unemployed she had almost told me to kick him out. The one thing I don’t tell Kim about is Ryan. It feels like it will take something away from moving close to be with family if I admit I also have a crush on my grandmother’s hot neighbor.

Kim is sad that I’m leaving but accepts my notice, saying that she will put together an office going away party for me. I feel a weight lifted knowing that I won’t be leaving my office awkwardly. I've worked there almost four years. I'll not miss flu season, but I will miss my coworkers, especially Kim and Nikita. I ask Kim not to say anything until I tell Nikita myself. Kim agrees and says once Nikita knows she will send an email out to the office. I have to laugh when Kim starts saying she’s going to miss me. I remind her that I've not left yet.
When I hang up, I walk to the kitchen, suddenly hungry. Jon is on his cell phone when I come out. He sees me then puts on his coat to finish his call outside. That’s another thing we'll have to figure out, I think, annoyed he feels he has to leave the room to talk to someone. He's on my phone plan. I have been thinking about changing providers anyway because I don't want to deal with having to share data, and our phones are already out of contract. I make myself a sandwich and wait for Jon to come back in. When he does, I tell him I'll be turning off our phones before I leave. Jon replies that he had figured as much and says a friend is on his way to pick him up.

"Will you be back by dinner?"

"Probably not."

Jon takes a shower and gets dressed so he can be ready to go. Where, I don’t know. It’s not my business to know where he goes anymore. After he leaves, I decide I want to make the meatloaf anyway. I can eat the leftovers at work, and it will remind me of Florida. Once it's in the oven, I call my grandmother back. Something about her phone makes it hard for Kate to hear me. Kate asks if it would be alright if I call Ryan instead, and he can relay the message. She gives me his number. Considering Kate can’t hear me, I don’t really have a choice and call Ryan.

"Hullo?"

"Hi, Ryan.
It’s Grace. Kate can't hear me, so she asked that I call you."

"Your grandmother needs a hearing aid for the telephone, but she won't listen to me."

"Sorry about that. Why won't she get one?"

"She's stubborn and thinks they look funny in people's ears."

I’m not sure why I think that's so funny, but it makes me laugh. I tell Ryan about the conversation I had with my boss. Ryan is happy for me that it had gone as well as it had. I have two weeks to pack up my life here and move. The idea is daunting. My first thought is to drive, but I’m scared to. It’s over one thousand miles from Cleveland to Tampa. There’s no way I can do that in a day. I probably can’t even do it in two days. That means having to stay somewhere, by myself, along the way.

"What if I flew up and drove down with you?"

Depression

a
state of feeling sad

-
Merriam Webster

It’s settled. Ryan buys a ticket to Cleveland. My last day of work is Friday, and Ryan is flying in that evening. Jon has already moved out, taking most of our furniture with him. I was especially happy to see his armchair go, I could only see what I had lost when I looked at it. Besides, I don’t need any of it where I'm going. I do, however, keep the TV and laptop in exchange. Jon moved in with a coworker who already had a TV so he is fine with it. I buy an air mattress to sleep on once he leaves. It's strange coming home to such an empty house. I'm partly relieved. This way I will be able to turn the keys over to the complex manager without any worry Jon will do something to screw up us getting our deposit back. Jon said I can keep it.

I make multiple trips over those two weeks to Goodwill to donate things I no longer need, like winter coats and snow boots. I keep one good coat and work hard to purge other unneeded things. I’m nervous about Ryan coming and spending the night, and the fact that we will be sharing hotel rooms on the way down to Tampa. He said he has no problem sleeping on my f
loor that first night, but it's going to be weird.