Star (25 page)

She pulled away to look at him then, and she was smiling up at him. The child he had once met on the swing had grown into a woman, and as he held her, he knew how desperately he loved her. Beyond words, beyond reason. Beyond anything. She was everything he wanted.

“I used to think about you all the time … you were so handsome that time when you came to the ranch in those white pants and that red tie.” He didn’t even remember what he’d worn, but she did, just as he remembered the white dress he’d seen her in the first time, and the blue one after. And then, as though she could read his mind, and sense despair, she looked up and asked him, “When are you going back to New York?”

“Tomorrow morning.” It sounded crazy now. All he wanted to do was stay here with her. Forever. But he had his whole life to sort out now. And Elizabeth to contend with. But that didn’t matter now. Nothing did. Except Crystal. She was what he had been waiting for, when he had held back for so long. And now he knew why. This was what he wanted. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone. But it did to him. It made perfect sense as he held her.

“Will you come back to California again?” Her heart was pounding as she asked him.

“Yes.” Their eyes met and held for a long time. He knew he was coming back now. He was going to have a
lot of explaining to do. But he would have walked over hot coals to be with her.

“I’ll come back as soon as I can. I have some sorting out to do in New York first. But I’ll call you.” He made her write down her phone number for him and he kissed her again, feeling the sweetness of her lips and tasting the promise of his future. It was a future he looked forward to, not one he feared. He had no doubts now, in the heat of the moment.

He hastily scribbled the name of the law firm where he worked, and the number, and wrote down her address, then he pulled her into his arms for a last time. He didn’t want to leave her. But he felt as though in a few short hours, his entire future had been settled, and this time it was a future he wanted.

“I don’t want to go …” he whispered into her hair as he held her tight, and she closed her eyes, remembering how good it felt to be held by someone she loved. It made her feel safe and happy just being with him, but she hardly dared believe everything she was hearing. It was like a dream come true, and it was so good it frightened her. What if he didn’t come back? If he disappeared? But she knew he wouldn’t do that. She pulled herself away from him and it was almost a physical pain for both of them as she looked at him, as though trying to engrave him on her mind to keep him close to her forever. Or for as long as it took for him to come back to her. She would barely live waiting for that moment.

“I love you, Spencer.”

“Don’t look so sad then.”

“I’m scared.” She was honest with him. She instinctively knew that she could be.

“Scared of what?”

“What if you don’t come back?”

“I will. I promise.” And with all his heart he meant it.
Every ounce of his being was alive and filled with hope. She was everything he wanted. “I love you, Crystal.” He walked her to the door, and kissed her again. She clung to him and a moment later she was gone, tiptoeing past Mrs. Castagna’s apartment. He could hear her footsteps as she ran upstairs, and as he watched from the street he saw her put her light on. She came to the window, and waved to him, and then, like a man who had found his dream, he set off on foot for the house on Broadway. For a mad moment, he thought of walking into Elizabeth’s room and telling her everything. But he knew he had to think things out and speak to her in the clear light of day so she wouldn’t think he was drunk or crazy. He wasn’t crazy though. He knew he was saner than he’d ever been and he knew exactly what he wanted. All he had to figure out now was how to get it.

They were all at the breakfast table the next morning when he came downstairs. His parents, Elizabeth, and all the Barclays. It would have been the perfect moment to tell them what he had to say. But as he walked into the room looking clean-shaven and pale after two hours sleep, he could hardly break into their animated conversation.

“You must have come in awfully late last night,” Elizabeth mentioned under her breath as she carried on a conversation between his father and her mother. They were all ready to catch their planes, and the Hills were sharing a final meal with the Barclays. Everyone was talking about wedding plans and he had an overwhelming urge to scream at all of them, but he controlled it. And suddenly it no longer seemed like the time or place to tell them about Crystal. Spencer realized suddenly that he owed it to Elizabeth to tell her first, and in private.

He poured himself a cup of tea from the silver teapot, and let them go on talking as he sat in silence. Ian was
quick to notice it and laughed at him, unable to resist the opportunity to tease him.

“Is my future brother-in-law hung over? I know how law school buddies are. Every time I see them, I get so drunk, Sarah threatens to divorce me.”

“I do not!” Sarah blurted out as she looked at him with a warm smile. “I only did that one time when you got arrested.” The assembled company laughed easily, all except Spencer who looked inexplicably unhappy.

“Cheer up, Son. You’ll feel better and you can have a drink on the plane.” But it wasn’t a drink he wanted, it was Crystal.

They said good-bye to the Barclays shortly after that. They were flying back to Washington directly. It was remarkable that Justice Barclay had been able to get away at all. Even one day away from the Supreme Court was rare for him, but this had been important. He would have flown to the moon for the engagement of his baby.

Elizabeth hardly spoke to him until they were on the plane, and then she looked at him seriously. She sensed that something was wrong with him, she had never seen him so quiet or so unhappy.

“Is something wrong?” It was the perfect opening but he didn’t dare take it. His parents were sitting across the aisle and Ian and Sarah just behind them, and he wanted to spare Elizabeth the pain of hearing his news in their presence.

He shook his head unconvincingly, and Elizabeth turned to stare out the window. She was annoyed at him, but she didn’t ask him anything again. And a little while later, she fell asleep as he watched her. It made him feel guilty just looking at her. But not guilty enough to want to go ahead with the wedding. He didn’t love her. He knew that now. He was much too in love with Crystal.

He could still feel the satin of her hair on his cheek, her
lips on his … the touch of her hand … he thought he’d go crazy before they landed. He had promised to drive Elizabeth to Poughkeepsie that night. And he dreaded being alone with her. He knew he had to tell her the truth, but he hated hurting her. But he knew he had to. The thought of how stunned his parents would be, and how furious the Barclays would be at his betrayal depressed him. But it all had to be faced. And he was willing to face it.

His parents and Ian and Sarah shared a cab into New York when they arrived, and he picked up the car he had left at the airport. He put Elizabeth’s bags in the trunk with his own, and they drove in silence for the first few miles, and finally Elizabeth couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Spencer, what’s wrong? What happened last night? You were fine when you went out.” And he wasn’t fine now. That was clear to both of them, but only he knew why. And he knew he had to tell her.

For one mad moment Elizabeth remembered the girl they’d seen singing at Harry’s on Saturday night, and she remembered the look on his face, and wondered if that had anything to do with it. But it couldn’t. Or could it? He had looked as though he was going to pass out in his seat when he saw her. “Is there something I should know about?” She looked at him and he stared straight ahead for a long time before speaking and without saying a word he pulled off the road, stopped the car and turned to face her. He looked anguished and pale, and he felt more than a little crazy. But she was strangely calm as she waited.

“I can’t marry you.” He couldn’t believe he was saying the words. But he had. And even more unbelievable was the way Elizabeth looked. She looked interested, but suddenly not even worried.

“Would you like to tell me why?”

“I’m not sure I can.” He didn’t want to tell her he didn’t love her. That was too cruel a blow, and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t her fault she wasn’t Crystal. It wasn’t her fault he hadn’t heard thunder and lightning when he’d first met her. She had everything to offer him. She was intelligent and attractive, she came from a good family, she kept him entertained, and he liked her. But he just didn’t love her. “I just know I can’t. We’d never be happy.”

She looked at him, and for an instant he thought she looked amused. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. The one thing I never thought you were was a coward.”

“What does that have to do with it?” He looked even more miserable than before, and she lit a cigarette and watched him.

“It has everything to do with it. You’ve got cold feet, Spencer Hill, and you’re too damn scared to face it and ride it out. You’re ready to call off everything and run like a rabbit. Everyone gets scared … so what? So be gutsy for chrissake. Be a man. Go get drunk somewhere, go cry with your friends, and face it. Don’t you think every man feels the way you do?” But every man wasn’t in love with Crystal. And Elizabeth was frighteningly cool as she watched him. “Why don’t you take a week off, catch your breath, and we’ll talk about it when I come down for the weekend.”

“Elizabeth … it isn’t that simple.” He was still holding back. He didn’t want to tell her about seeing Crystal again … about falling in love with her when she was fourteen. It would have made him sound like a lunatic. And at the moment, in truth, he felt like one, as he tried to explain it to the woman he was engaged to.

“It’s just that simple, if you want it to be.” She smiled
at him as she stubbed out her cigarette. “Why don’t we just pretend we never had this conversation?”

He sighed miserably and sat back against the seat, staring blindly out the window. “I think you’re even crazier than I am.”

“Good. Then we’ll make a good match, Spencer, won’t we?”

“No, we won’t, dammit!” He turned to look at her again. “I am not what you want, and I never will be. I don’t want the same things you do. I don’t want fame and fortune, and ‘importance.’ I will never be the man you want me to be. I don’t want that.”

“And what about me, as long as we’re talking about all that? Where is it that I fall short, which is what you’re really talking about anyway, isn’t it? We’re talking about what I’m not, not what you’re not.” She was always painfully honest, and smart enough to know what she was seeing, even if she didn’t know the reasons for it.

“You don’t need me.” It sounded like such a lame reason for breaking their engagement that even Spencer felt foolish after he said it.

“Of course I do. But I don’t have to whine about it, do I, or is that what you’re expecting? And I happen to love you, if that makes any difference to you. But no, I’m never going to wander around pretending that I believe in rainbows and miracles and visions of angels playing harps to tell me I love you. I like you. I think you’re smart and fun and you could go far, if you’d just give yourself half a chance, and once you get there we’ll have a hell of a good time. And that’s about all I want. Is that so awful?”

“It’s not awful. Nothing’s awful. And you’re not awful. And I like you a hell of a lot too … but we need more than that.” His voice was too loud in the small space of the car, but she didn’t seem to notice. He was
pleading for his life and she didn’t appear to understand that. “I need violins and harps and rainbows. I believe in them. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but if we settle for less than that now, ten years from now … five … two … we’ll bitterly regret it.”

“We also happen to have a damn good sex life. Don’t forget that.”

He smiled at how bluntly she put it. And she was right. It was crazier still that he was madly in love with a girl he had never even slept with. And suddenly, as he listened to Elizabeth, and himself, he wondered if all his dreams of Crystal were pure illusion. With her, it was all harps and violins and dreams and memories and visions. With Elizabeth, he had substance. But he needed both. At least he thought so.

“Or doesn’t sex matter to you, Spencer? I wouldn’t have said so from what I’ve noticed.” She was laughing at him and he couldn’t help but smile in answer.

“I’d say it does.”

“At least you’re honest. Not very brave, but honest, at least.” And then she leaned over and kissed his neck, and ran a hand up his thigh. “Why don’t we stop at a motel somewhere and discuss this?”

“For chrissake, Elizabeth, I’m serious. I’ve just told you that I don’t want to marry you, and you want to go to a motel. Didn’t you hear me? Aren’t you listening? Don’t you care?” He was feeling frantic.

“Of course I care. But I’m not about to start waving my hankie. I think you’re behaving like a ten-year-old and I’m not going to indulge you. I think something happened last night to scare the pants off you, and I’m not even sure how I know that. And in some spirit of religious zeal, or something similarly foolish, you want to head for the hills. Well, I don’t want to hear it. So drive me back to school and go home and sober up, and call me
in the morning.” She was a cool one, there was no denying it. In a way, he respected her for it, and in another way it scared the hell out of him. And it was precisely why he did not want to marry her, but Crystal. Elizabeth was eyeing him again as he started the car with a look of desperation. “Do you feel a need to confess about last night? Is that what this is all about? Why don’t you find a priest then and let him give you absolution? And then we can get on with our lives like normal people.”