Starting Fires (17 page)

For the rest of the night I sat, in his lap, even when chairs were available. I’d start to go for them, and he’d tighten his hand, telling me that he wanted me to stay.

And on the drive home, I went to the middle of the seat without him asking me to. He tried to hide his smile as he put his keys in the ignition. But I saw it.

Thanksgiving arrived, and Lucas was going to visit his parents for a few days. Nicole asked if I wanted to come to her family’s house and so did Charles, but I declined. It was nothing against either of them, but I knew I would feel uncomfortable. I didn’t even know Nicole’s family, and Charles’ parents were great, but I didn’t want to intrude.

Since the house was quiet, and I caught up on studying. My grades weren’t horrible, but my dad would be disappointed. I really had to buckle down if I was going to bring in A’s at finals.

For two days straight, all I did was study. I was worn out from looking at so many numbers. My hands hurt, my body felt weak, and my head throbbed. Friday night, all I wanted to do was sleep, and I crashed at 9 p.m.

At midnight, my phone dinged. Almost immediately, I fell back asleep, but it dinged again. Wondering what it was, I reached for it. I had two new text messages from Lucas.

I’ll be back tomorrow.

Twenty minutes later.

See you then?

My heart thumped wildly at seeing his words. He was somewhere else thinking about me as he tried to sleep. I put a hand to my forehead and rolled over. I think I missed him. The thought of seeing him soon made me smile. Knowing that I would get to hug and kiss him made me happy. I realized that not only had I studied so hard over the last two days to bring my grades up, but also to keep my mind off Lucas being away.

You bet
was what I sent back. This was getting harder for me. All of the sex and cuddling. It was too much. It was becoming difficult to keep my heart out of this.

My phone dinged with a new message.
Great. Night baby.

I felt my chest tighten and stood from the bed and walked to my dresser. I pulled out his gray t-shirt and put it on. Back under the covers, I nuzzled into my pillow feeling scared.

My heart had been trampled and broken. Over the last few months, I’d been gradually repairing it. And even though it felt like it was somewhat whole again, I knew pieces of it were lost forever. Cracks drifted along the surface. Little holes gaped here and there. It was fragile. All it would take was a tiny thump for it to break again.

As I clutched his shirt, I hoped that I’d have the strength to pull away from Lucas before it came to that.

Since Lucas hadn’t returned, Kate let me into the bar the next afternoon. I’d just finished doing his weekly reports and was sitting on a stool when he walked through the door.

“All done?” he asked with a grin.

“Yes, sir.”

Kate had her back to us, cleaning liquor bottles. He glanced at her before placing a hand to my shoulder. “It’s good to see you,” he whispered and kissed my neck. “You gotta leave? Or can you stay for a bit.”

“I can stay,” I said. It would have been better had I left, but I wanted to be around him. I’d missed him and no matter what my head told me, my heart wouldn’t listen.

He smiled. “Give me a minute to get some things out of my car.”

After he left, Kate approached me. “You aren’t fooling anyone you know.” I looked at her for only a second before turning to the TV, choosing to ignore her statement rather than respond to it. She shook her head and chuckled. “It’s none of my business. Do whatever you want, but what’s gonna happen when Candace comes back?”

That struck a nerve. “Who says she’s coming back?” I said without thinking.

“She always comes back, Marlowe. Always.”

I felt my body tighten, and my eyes became fascinated with the beer signs lining the walls.

“He’s gonna do what he always does,” she continued. “She’ll throw her fit and you’ll be gone. I’m just being honest. You aren’t the first one. And you probably won’t be the last. Do yourself a favor and prepare for that okay?”

I could tell that she thought she was being helpful, but I still thought she was a bitch. Why would Lucas throw me aside? Did she think so little of me? Did everyone? That I was disposable? A filler girl until his real one came back?

Was I? I didn’t know. And I didn’t like thinking I might be. “See you later,” I told her and stood from the stool. Lucas came back in the door as I was walking towards it. He had two boxes in his arms, and drew in his eyebrows as I passed him. “I need to study,” I said and left before he responded.

On my way home, he called, but I didn’t answer. I didn’t respond to his text message either. The last month had been nothing but Lucas. I needed to focus on what was important—hitting the books and pulling these grades up. I did some calculations and realized I had to ace all of my tests if I hoped to get A’s.

I kicked off my shoes and pulled my books onto my bed, pouring over every chapter and assignment. By midnight, I’d vigorously reviewed every test I’d taken and was about to review them again when there was a knock at my door.

“Who is it?”

“Me,” I heard on the other side. Lucas.

I sat up and fiddled with my ponytail. Did I want to see him? What did he want anyway? I didn’t need any distractions.

“Can I come in?” he asked and I realized I’d been sitting in silence for quite a while.

“Uh, sure,” I said.

The door opened and he stood just outside my room. “I know it’s late, but I saw your light on…” he trailed off as he eyed my textbooks. “Need a break?”

“I’m trying to get in as much studying as possible. School’s been neglected over the last few weeks.”

He nodded. “Well, I got that movie I heard you talking about with Lacey. I was thinking maybe we could watch it.” He started tapping the Blu-ray against his hand. It was a new one based off a book I’d read. I’d wanted to see it for a while, but hadn’t found the time. Dejected, he looked down at his feet. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was sad. “Maybe another night,” he finished and started to walk off.

“Wait,” I called to him. He stopped and looked over his shoulder. Part of my brain kept saying,
Let him go, this is a mistake
, but I didn’t listen. “A break would be nice.” He smiled and walked into the room. To give us space, I started clearing off my bed, moving the books to the floor. After he put the Blu-ray in, we propped up on my bed.

Throughout the film, I filled him in on things the movie left out from the book. He seemed to enjoy it because he kept asking me questions and commenting on the things happening. We didn’t even touch until halfway through it when I started getting uncomfortable in my position. I was scooting up and down, trying to find a spot I liked, when he pulled me into his shoulder, wrapping his arm around me.

It was after 2 a.m. when it ended. As he left, he kissed me on the forehead. “Call me tomorrow if you want another break. I’m free all day.”

I nodded, not knowing if I would.

 

Chapter 15

I
didn’t.

The night before he hadn’t even tried anything physical with me. We’d already had more sex than I probably ever did with Mark. And right now, I could separate that from being in a relationship. If we started hanging out and doing things together, the lines would blur.

To keep my mind off him, I stayed in my bedroom and studied any time I was awake. Not a second was wasted. For an entire week, I became a hermit. Before long, I was flying through old assignments and completing ones that hadn’t been assigned with little difficulty. I reviewed every study guide, poured over every chapter.

The week of finals, I had to take five tests. I wouldn’t get my grades back until the next week. Sunday I was a bundle of nerves. Pacing my room and biting my nails, mentally going over everything I’d learned. My clock said 2 p.m. I had a little over 24 hours to be completely prepared.

“Marlowe!” I heard outside my door.

“WHAT?” I snapped.

“Just making sure you’re alive,” Wally said from the other side.

I walked over to it and threw it open. “Yes, I’m alive,” I said sarcastically.

“Jeez, chill. Nobody’s seen you in a week. Forgive me for being concerned.”

Closing my eyes, I rubbed my hands down my face. I was so stressed. When they reached my chin, I opened my eyes and saw Lucas standing at the end of the hallway, lingering outside Charles’ room.

He was staring straight at me, and was about to smile. I knew I looked crazy. My hair was probably wild and messy. My eyes probably had dark circles. My purple yoga pants didn’t even match his gray t-shirt –
his gray t-shirt
. Great.

He started towards me. I’d completely forgotten that I was even wearing it. It was my go to now. To sleep. To lounge. To do whatever. I felt like an idiot.

Standing in front of me, he rubbed the hem between his fingers. Wally walked off, leaving us alone. We both leaned into my doorframe. He reached up and brushed my hair behind my ear. “You need a break, Marzy,” he said quietly.

“My finals start tomorrow. I have to keep studying.”

“Let me help you.”

I bit the inside of my lip as I thought about it. It might be good to have someone help, but did I want it to be him? “I have an M.B.A.,” he added. “So I do know a little bit about passing finals.”

“You have a Master’s?”

“Yeah.” He walked in my room and shut the door, making the decision for me.

Over the next few hours, he quizzed me and quizzed me again. Even threw in some curve balls. It helped to have him there, and I realized that I knew all of this backwards and forwards. After I finished a very complicated problem, Lucas checked my answers and smiled. “You got this Marzy!”

I fell back on my bed with a relieved sigh. He kicked off his shoes and moved to lie next to me. His hand came to my stomach and started fiddling with his shirt again. “This looks good on you,” he said. “I want you to keep it.”

I made a face. “Like you have a choice. It’s been in my closet for over a month. It’s mine now.”

He grinned and pulled me by the waist into his chest. We stared at each other a moment before he nudged my nose with his and then kissed me slowly. I started melting into him, missing the feel of his lips, but when his hand went up my shirt, I pulled away and moved to the end of the bed. If we were going to continue this thing between us, I needed some things clarified.

The bed dipped as he moved, but he didn’t try to approach me. Kate’s words lingered in my ears. Charles’ words lingered in my ears. My inner doubts lingered in my ears. Everything was lingering! Before I lost my nerve and this became some unspoken fear that I couldn’t shake, I asked him what I’d been dwelling on.

“What’s going to happen when Candace comes back?”

The room was silent for too long before he said, “What do you mean?”

Whatever. He knew exactly what I meant and it bothered me that he pretended he didn’t.

“When Candace comes back? What’s going to happen?”

“To us?”

“Yeah. To us.” It felt weird to talk to my TV about this, but it was easier than looking at his face.

“Babe, she’s back right now. For a few days I think. But what does that have to do with me and you?”

I huffed. Was he purposefully making this difficult? Not wanting to ask if he was going to push me to the side, I went another direction.

“Well, should I be worried about her or anything? Wally told me about what she did to your bartender.” She couldn’t know that he was here with me. If she did, from what I’d heard of her, she should be at my door with an ax, going full on shining right now.

I felt him move on the bed, and then his legs and arms encircled me. “She better not ever touch you. And if she tries, tell me.”

He was missing the point, and I was being vague. “It’s not that. Not really. I mean, I don’t want her to hit me, but what I really want to know is…” the words left me as my vulnerability set in. I tried again. “What I really want to know is are you –”

His arms gave me a gentle squeeze. “I’m not with anyone else,” he confessed. “Just you.”

“Me too,” slipped out of my mouth. His lips came to my shoulder, and I felt him press tiny kisses there. I wanted to believe him. As his mouth trailed up to my neck, I think I believed him. His hands went to my waist. In a swift motion, he grabbed me and threw me back onto the bed. Desire grew inside me as he settled between my legs. When his mouth came to mine and his weight met my body, I did believe him.

After my finals were finished, I was still a bundle of nerves waiting on my grades. Wally took me to one of his movies to help with my anxiety. Lacey and Nicole took me shopping. Charles had me mow the lawn—which didn’t take long enough. Ian was just Ian. And Lucas did what he did best—for hours on end he made sure I thought of nothing but him.

Grades were due to be posted and we were all sitting in his garage. I kept checking the time on my phone. Minutes ticked by like hours. At 5 p.m., I didn’t say anything and raced across the street. My feet flew up the stairs and into my bedroom.

My fingers kept messing up the password to my student login, so I took a deep, calming breath and tried again. Carefully, slowly, I logged in.

I stared at my computer screen for a long time, not believing what I was seeing. I took another breath and came barreling out of my room. Upon reaching the stairs, I saw Lucas standing at the bottom. In a rush, I stumbled down them and jumped into his arms. “All A’s!” I squealed. My legs came around his waist as he lifted me into the air.

“Way to go,” he smiled. The excitement was overwhelming and I started kissing him all over his face. He laughed as he took the onslaught. “We need to celebrate,” he chuckled. “Let me take you to New Orleans. You haven’t been since you moved here.”

“Who’s going to New Orleans?” Wally said from the opening of the living room.

I jerked, and let my legs fall away from Lucas, embarrassed at being seen embracing him that way. “I just got my grades back. All A’s. We’re going to celebrate.”

“Sweet,” Wally added. “Let me go tell everyone else. My cousin has this awesome condo right in the heart of The Quarter. He’s never there. I bet we can all crash at his place.” Lucas sighed as we followed him back outside.

That weekend, everyone but Nicole was able to come. She had previous plans and was pissed that she had to miss it. Lucas insisted on taking his car. It was cramped with the six of us and his trunk was loaded down, but we didn’t have to worry about two vehicles.

Forty-five minutes later, we drove into New Orleans. Wally hadn’t lied when he said that his cousin lived in the heart of the French Quarter. Lucas stopped in front of a funky coffee shop. “This it?” he asked him.

“Yeah. His place is upstairs.”

As I was unloading my small overnight bag, I noticed Lucas still sitting behind the steering wheel. “You aren’t coming in?”

“Gotta park the car. Taking it to a garage a few blocks away. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Want me to come with you?” His lip quirked up as he nodded.

I gave our bags to Charles, and got back in, scooting to the middle. As soon as we pulled onto the street, he brought his hand to my thigh, and I wished we could’ve driven like this the whole way.

The architecture of the city was stunning and I loved watching all the people wandering around as he drove. On our walk back, eagerness overwhelmed me as we slowly strolled through the city. It was still early in the day, and Jackson Square was bustling with artists, living statues, tarot readers, musicians. A woman with dreads sat in front of the church playing a xylophone. The soft whimsical music echoed all around us.

Vagabonds and tourists, families and locals all wandered up and down the streets. I was intoxicated with the beauty of the buildings and people. Two men walked by holding hands and smiled as they passed. A woman with holes torn in her pants and shirt stopped in front of me and reached down to pick up her tiny dog. She cooed at him as she continued on her path. Across the street a juggler did tricks. Every tarot booth was occupied and the people sitting in the ratty cloth chairs wore big grins as their futures were told. The St. Louis Cathedral towered over us, and on either side, big brick buildings encompassed the square, their black iron balconies going down the entire length. A big fenced in garden sat in the middle with all of this liveliness occurring around it. It felt like I was given a gift, as if the City itself was a being that opened its doors and said, “All those who are weary, you are welcome here.”

Something came over me, and I reached for Lucas’ hand. Slowly our fingers came together and he squeezed when they intertwined. We’d never held hands this way before, and it meant something. Turning towards him, I brought my other hand to his face. The gentle sound of the xylophone played as I brought my lips to his. It was soft and sweet and the first time we’d soberly done it in public. This time there was no scapegoat for me to take. If our friends would have been here I might have restrained, but with only strangers around, I didn’t feel the need to hold back. As I pulled away, no one was even giving us a second glance. Lucas looked dazed, but a smile was on his lips.

An artist’s booth caught my eye and I led him over to it. The young girl that was painting had a scarf wrapped around her head, and looked very bohemian. She barely glanced at us as I studied her artwork. The piece that drew my interest was of a girl with dark hair blowing in a breeze as she stood on the edge of a lake. Her back was to us. Her dress was a pretty purple. The colors weren’t vibrant or dull, but somewhere in between. The grass around her feet was tall and rolled with the wind. It made me feel peaceful. I imagined her staring off into the distance of the water, letting the air blow across her face as she realized that everything was going to be okay—that the heartache of the past was fading.

“You like it?” Lucas asked, and I nodded. We were silent for a bit before he said, “This one is my favorite.” I looked to where his finger pointed. It was of a big willow tree. The sunlight broke through some of its branches. Hills cascaded in the background, but the willow sat directly in the center. The greens were vivid and it made me feel peaceful, too. But a different kind of peace—like I could lie under the tree for hours, forgetting the troubles of the world.

“I’ve always had a thing for trees,” he said, caressing my hand. “Especially Willows. I know it’s weird, but I imagine them being these old, wise creatures. Guarding and protecting us.”

“That’s a beautiful way to look at it,” I said, and he smiled down at me, looking embarrassed.

“I want to buy that one for you,” he said, pointing towards my painting.

“Then I’m buying that one for you.” He playfully narrowed his eyes, but agreed. We paid the bohemian artist and walked to the apartment carrying them. Inside, everyone was sitting around the tiny living room talking about what bars they wanted to go to that night.

“Took you long enough,” Lacey told me.

“We bought paintings.” I smiled and showed her mine. She didn’t like it nearly as much as I did, but that was okay. It felt special, and I liked believing that maybe only I saw the beauty in it.

“We already picked beds,” she said. “You and Lucas are in there.”

I looked to where she was pointing and saw a small room off the living area. It had the space for a double door, but didn’t have one. A curtain hung in its place. Swallowing a gulp, I walked over and looked inside. There was only one bed. Lucas and I had never slept in a bed together—not even for a nap. I wondered why Lacey wasn’t sleeping with me. “Where are you sleeping?” I asked.

“I claimed this couch. Ian has the other. And Charles and Wally have to share the other bed,” she chuckled.

Lucas pulled the curtain aside and went into the room. I watched him set his bag on the floor, and walked over to do the same. My heart rate sped as I thought about it. This wasn’t how I would have wanted this to happen—our friends in the other room, a curtain the only thing separating us.

“You okay with this?” he asked.

“Sure,” I tried to smile.