Starting Fires (36 page)

He nodded and I walked to my car.

 

Chapter 30

T
oday was the
day. I was graduating. My cap and gown rested on my back seat, laid out neatly to prevent wrinkles. I was wearing my purple dress with tan heels, my hair pulled back into a purposefully messy ponytail. Wanting something to make me feel close to my mother and sister, Lucas’ violin necklace hung around my neck. The long chain didn’t look right with this dress, but I wore it just the same.

The drive was going to be a long one by myself, and maybe I should have waited until I was at the college to get ready, but I didn’t know if there would be rooms available. All of my friends were busy. Nicole and Lacey with the wedding planning. Wally taking people out for skydives. Charles was meeting Priscilla’s grandmother. I’d heard them talking about their plans at least a week ago, and didn’t mention the ceremony. No one needed to feel obligated to come. This was for me. I was walking across that stage for me.

The only thing I hoped for was a call from my father. So far, I hadn’t received one. His was the only invitation sent. I knew he wouldn’t come, but maybe some part of me wanted him to feel proud. A sappy, sentimental part imagined him putting my announcement on his refrigerator, but I knew that would be an unfulfilled dream. He’d never been the type.

About an hour away from the college, my phone’s battery was low. Barely at 10%. The night before, I must have knocked the charger out of the wall. I knew my phone. Once it went below 15%, the thing drained fast. I didn’t even have to use it. Hoping that he would call before it was too late, I left it on.

In the back room with the other graduates, my phone was silent. The battery still draining. I put on my gown and fixed my cap, careful not to let it mess my hair. When they told us it was time, my palms started sweating and I went to claim my place in line.

It was decent size school, but not huge. Several hundred people would walk across that stage today, and I would be one of them. The college band played the traditional graduation walk as we started filtering into the room. Being a Duncan, I was near the beginning. The roar of the stadium was deafening. I kept my eyes on the back in front of me, careful not to trip or run into him.

Once the crowd died down, we sat and listened to some man try to sound inspiring. I took a breath and waited out the speeches.

What felt like hours later, they were finally calling names. The rows were moving. Mine was next. I was second to last, between Dennis Dubois and Sheila Dupont. The people in front of me were taking their walks to the sounds of cheers. Dennis went, and I nervously waited for my name to be called.

“Marlowe Duncan,” a woman said.

My feet started moving, and then faltered when I heard distant yelling. Someone blew an air horn. The cheers continued as I resumed my steps. With my diploma in hand, it died off with one more loud, “GO MARLOWE!!!”

Wally. That was Wally. As I made my way back to my seat, my eyes scanned the crowd trying to place were the voices had come from. Arms were flailing in a section to the left of where I was sitting. Closer to the stage than I was, I saw them. I saw him.

Lucas. Wally. Charles. Ian. Lacey. Nicole. They were all there. Cheering for me. They’d come. I hadn’t asked them to and they came. An overwhelming feeling encompassed me. These people, no matter how much I pushed them away, cared about me. Tears came to my eyes. I smiled and gave them a wave. Their arms flew back and forth, probably making the people around them angry.

They were too far away for me to see their expressions, but now that big moment was gone, they’d begun talking amongst themselves. All except Lucas. He kept his eyes right on me. And I kept my eyes on his. At the end of the ceremony, he was all I saw as I threw my hat into the air.

Back in the student waiting rooms, I grabbed my things and made my way out of the building, hoping that they would be easy to find. My phone was officially dead, so I had no idea if my father called or not.

The sun was blinding, and people were milling about everywhere. Every group I passed I stopped to scan their faces, but didn’t see anyone I knew. As I came around to the front, I was looking left, hoping to see someone I recognized. Surely, they wouldn’t just leave.

“There she is!” I heard Nicole yell, and jerked my head towards her voice. My friends were all waiting for me, next to a tall tree overlooking the parking lot. I smiled and made my way over.

Wally ran out ahead and swept me up into the air. “She did it!” he screamed. I laughed as he put me down.

Nicole reached for me and gave a tight hug. “Congratulations,” she said.

She let go and Lacey hugged me around the neck. “You looked beautiful,” she said.

As Charles wrapped his arms around me, I saw Lucas standing off to the side. His mouth turned up in a smile. “They would be proud of you,” Charles whispered into my ear.

Knowing who
they
were, I said, “Thanks Bear,” giving him an extra squeeze.

Ian looked awkward as he walked over, and threw a loose arm around my torso. “Congratulations,” he mumbled. My friends stood back as the last person to greet me shuffled his feet. They started talking amongst themselves as I took a step towards him.

His hand tenderly cradled my back. “You did it, Marzy,” he said quietly. His sweet smile made my knees weak. I realized that I was glad to be sharing this moment with him and brought my hands to his chest. His arm encircled my waist and he brought a hand to the back of my head. I inhaled his scent as he gently kissed the top of my head.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” I said, looking up at him.

“I wouldn’t have missed it,” he smiled. I thought that I wanted him to kiss me, but when his hand went to my chin and began tilting it up, I pulled away from him.

“Is anyone else hungry?” Nicole asked. “Because I’m starving.” Everyone agreed and we decided to stop at a restaurant in the next town.

In the parking lot, I unzipped my gown as we headed toward our cars. “Fuck, Marlowe,” Wally said. “Nothing I imagined compares to that. And I mean it. I actually imagined nothing under that gown and it isn’t as good as that dress.” He took my hand and twirled me around while I giggled. I didn’t miss Lucas’ stare as I showed it off. His eyes bore into me, tracing my body, no doubt imagining what it had felt like to have me. Under different circumstances, he would have been taking the dress off me later. The thought made me feel sad and turned on at the same time. A weird combination. I buried them both and resumed walking ahead of him.

We were almost to our cars when Lacey said, “Shit. We should take a group photo.” She convinced a man walking by to take it, and we all huddled up together in front of my Jeep. It seemed appropriate that she would get to be a part of my graduation too. I was in the middle, holding my cap, gown, and diploma while my friends circled around me. Lucas maneuvered his way to me, and placed a hand at my hip, pulling me into his side. After the picture was taken, he gave me a squeeze before letting go. On some impulse, I turned into his arm as he walked off, letting it trail across my body. His eyes heated.
What am I doing?
I thought. Toying with him. I knew that I wasn’t going to allow anything to happen between us, but I was enjoying making him squirm. I huffed at my own immaturity and went to my car.

Lacey and Nicole rode with me to the restaurant. I didn’t know the area well, and let them pick a Mexican place. It was the first offering of food that we saw, and I didn’t care what I ate. As we waited for our table to be ready, I stood, while everyone else sat. The only spot available was next to Lucas and I didn’t want to continue leading him on.

Two men came in and were waiting, too. They were older than I was. I’d guess maybe in their forties. One of them gave me a sleazy smile, raking his eyes up my body.
Jeez…
This dress was a little showy, but not over the top. Suddenly, I wished that I wasn’t wearing it. When the other man also threw an appreciative glance my way, I made a point not to look at them any longer. I was staring at my shoes when his hand reached out and encircled my knee. “Sit down, Marzy,” Lucas commanded. I didn’t move, so he took my hand, pulling me into the spot next to him. His eyes stayed on the men across from us as his arm came around my shoulder and rested there. “Just until they leave,” he whispered. “I don’t like the way they’re looking at you.”

“Me either,” I conceded and stayed. Even after they left.

After we ate, Lucas insisted on paying for my food. “You don’t have to do that,” I told him.

“You aren’t paying on your graduation day,” he said with a smile, handing the waiter his card.

“Well, thank you.” We stared at each other a moment.

“Ride back with me,” he said.

“Okay,” came out of my mouth before I even thought about it.

“Charles, you take Marlowe’s car home,” Lucas said. “She’s riding with me.”

He nodded with a knowing smile. In the parking lot, everyone piled into my Jeep, leaving Lucas and I alone for the ride home. Something told me that this might have been planned and it made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t ready to have any talks of reconciliation with him. I felt too raw and vulnerable. My head and heart weren’t agreeing yet and I was still confused.

In his car, I made sure to sit as far away from him as possible. The first hour was filled with him singing along to the radio while I stared out of the window. A classic came on and Lucas turned it up. “Come on, you know this one Marzy,” he smiled over at me. I did.

Missing the first lyric, I joined in on the second. “
There’ll be peace when you are done
,” I sang with him. “
Lay your weary head to rest. Don’t you cry no more!
”

On the instrumental rift, he expertly drove while playing air guitar. I giggled as he immersed himself in it, squinting his eyes and biting his lip. When the verse came, he pointed an imaginary microphone at me. Thankful that I knew the words to Kansas’
Carry on My Wayward Son
, I indulged him. “
Once I rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high.”
I laughed at my complete butchering of the tune, and thankfully, Lucas took over. He rolled the windows down as the chorus came, and we sang it out at the top of our lungs.

As the song was finished, we were breathless and smiling. “My parents wanted to come,” he said. “But couldn’t get out of their plans. They wanted me to give you their congratulations.”

I smiled at him. “That’s very sweet, but my own dad didn’t make it, so I wouldn’t have expected it.”

“I’m sure he wanted to come,” Lucas said.

He didn’t know my father. “Maybe,” I said. “I kept thinking he was going to call, but my phone died before the ceremony.”

“Well, maybe he did. Here use mine.” He handed me his cell. “Call your voicemail.”

I unlocked his phone and dialed my number. The picture of us from the festival popped up. Me looking up at him, his arm around me, smiling as if he was the happiest he’d ever been in his life. I wasn’t listed under
Marzy
or even
Marlowe.
In his phone, my contact name was
Her.
I wasn’t sure what it meant, and realized that he must have forgotten or he wouldn’t have let me use it.
Her,
I thought as my voicemail played.

Knowing I was running out of time, I pressed the * key and typed in my password. “You have three new voice messages,” I was told.

“First message: Where is she?” Nicole said. “Well, where are we supposed to wait for her?… It keeps going to voicemail. Maybe we can…” the rest of the message was the loud sound of the speaker bumping into things in her purse. I smiled and deleted it.

“Next message: Marlowe, honey this is Helen.”

“And William,” his father added. “I’m here too.”

“And William,” Helen continued. “We just wanted to tell you how wonderful it is that you are graduating and we wish we could see you, darling. Sorry we had to miss it. Don’t you be a stranger. You come by and see us anytime you like. I hope you have a magnificent day!”

“Congratulations,” Bill yelled from the background. Touched that they went to the trouble to call me, I saved it.

“Next message: Baby,” Lucas’ voice rang in my ear. “I’m sorry. I know how bad I messed up. I know it.” It was the message he’d sent me in New York. I’d never deleted or listened to it, forgetting that it was even waiting for me. My eyes cut to him as he apologized through my phone. He was oblivious, looking in his blind spot as he switched lanes. “You deserve so much better than me,” he said. “I won’t call you again. This is the last message I’ll leave you. I won’t even talk to you when you come back, not unless you want me to. But I need you to know that what I did is going to haunt me forever. It was you, baby. It’s always been you, and I ruined it. I know that nothing I do will take it back, or make it better, but I want to try.” He took a strangled breath. “You are so perfect. There is so much I never told you. Either because I was scared or insecure. It won’t be that way anymore. I’ll tell you exactly what I’m feeling. What happened at the lake, I barely remember it, but I remember enough to know I wronged you. I want to make it right. Let me make it right. If you want me to, just-”

“End of message.” He’d taken too long, and my phone cut him off. Whatever else he’d said or wanted to say, was lost. With a trembling hand, I deleted it, and handed the phone back to him.

“He didn’t call,” I said. “But I got a message from your parents.”

As he put his phone in his pocket, he chuckled. “Of course. She couldn’t just let me tell you the message. She had to deliver one herself.”

I nearly brought up his. Nearly. But didn’t. It felt like it was too late. He’d left it weeks ago. “It was sweet,” I said. My fingers went to the violin around my neck. He knew it was there. It wasn’t hiding in my dress. I’d worn it to feel close to my sister and mother, but maybe I’d worn it to feel close to him, too.

“I know you’re a college graduate now,” he said, glancing at me. His eyes went to my fingers still toying with the necklace, but then he brought them back to the rode. “I… uh…” he cleared his throat. “What I’m wondering is, if you would be interested in doing the books for me again. They’ve been a mess since you left. You wouldn’t have to do them every week. Maybe just when you could spare the time.”