Starting Over (27 page)

They had reached the house now and Honor was pushing open the kitchen door and ushering Olivia inside. Unlike the kitchen of her own childhood, this one smelled warm and welcoming, causing Olivia to suffer a sharp pang of guilt. She had always promised herself that her children would have the kind of childhood, the kind of home life she had been denied; that
they
would come home to a mother who had the time to listen to them...a mother who would cook proper meals for them instead of vaguely telling them to get something out of the fridge.

She did cook, of course, but with one eye on the clock, her thoughts more on the next step in her evening routine than on enjoying the moment.

Honor, she sensed, would enjoy and relish each moment, each pleasure of life as it happened.

'I went to see Ben today,' Honor told her as she removed her outdoor coat. 'He isn't at all well.'

Olivia stiffened. If Honor was going to give her a lecture about Ben then Olivia just didn't want to hear it

'He's his own worst enemy, of course,' Honor continued, 'and I just wish I could do more to help Maddy with him but...' She paused and looked at Olivia.

Honor had told herself that she wasn't going to interfere in David's relationship with his daughter but there was something that she had to say.

'Sadly David is still regarded within his family as someone who isn't to be trusted, which is a shame because—'

'If he's treated like that then perhaps it's because it's what he deserves,' Olivia cut across her bitterly.

'Grandfather virtually deified Dad—no one else apart from Max ever really mattered to him and Dad.' Olivia stopped, her jaw clenching.

'I know how strongly you feel about the past, Olivia,' Honor conceded, 'but...'

She stopped speaking as the kitchen door was pushed open and Amelia came rushing into the room telling her excitedly, 'Grandma, I got top marks for my spelling today and—' She stopped as she saw Olivia, looking uncertainly from her mother's set face to Honor's gently encouraging one.

Deep down inside her most vulnerable part of herself Olivia felt something crack and splinter—a pain that seemed to radiate out to every single part of her body as she recognised that Amelia, her beloved precious firstborn child, was looking at her with virtually the same look of hesitancy and apprehension with which she had once regarded her own mother. Olivia had seen that look in her daughter's eyes once before, but it hadn't hit home nearly as painfully. Before she could do or say anything, Alex and David were also in the room, Alex still too young to be aware of the adult tension surrounding her, running over to Olivia and beaming up at her.

'Grandad's going to ask Father Christmas to bring me a pony,' she told Olivia excitedly.

'Er...I did say that we would have to ask Mummy about it first,' David interrupted her ruefully.

A pony. Olivia closed her eyes. She could still remember how desperately she had once wanted one but Tania had been horrid. 'A pony. Oh, no, darling, you'll grow up all horsey and horrible.... No...'

As she looked at her father Olivia could see both remorse and concern in his eyes but before she could say anything a spasm of coughing overtook her.

'Are you okay?' Honor asked her.

'I'm fine,' Olivia fibbed brightly, turning away from her to demand sharply, 'Hurry up and get your things please, girls....'

'MUMMY...'

Olivia tensed as she heard the note in Alex's voice.

She had just turned into their own drive and her whole body ached for the soothing comfort of a deliciously hot bath.

'Mummy...I wish Daddy would come home.'

Olivia's heart sank.

'Alex, you know what I've told you,' she began.

'Yes,' Alex agreed crossly. 'But I want him to come home and so does Amelia.'

Olivia gave a brief look at her elder daughter's downcast head. Why were things always so much harder than you envisaged they would be? She had truly believed that separating from Caspar would help to put an end to her problems and remove the worst source of friction from her life, but instead...

Instead she felt more alone, more bereft, more frightened than she had ever imagined it was possible for her to feel.

'Gramps said...' Alex began and then stopped as Amelia shot her a murderously silencing look.

Amelia had already warned Alex that there was no way she was to upset their mother by mentioning the discussion they had had with their grandfather.

'Why don't you write to your father?' he had suggested to them but Amelia had shaken her head.

'No. We can't. Mummy wouldn't like it,' she had told him. 'Besides,' she had added hollowly, 'we don't know where he is.'

She
had
got his mobile number, though, carefully written down and hidden away inside her old doll's house. Whenever she felt really bad and lonely about him not being there she got it out, carefully unfolding the small piece of paper and reading off the numbers before just as carefully refolding it and putting it back.

Frowning Olivia demanded sharply, 'Your grandfather said what?'

'He said that Grandma was going to go to hospital next week so that they could have a look at the baby,'

Amelia told her quickly.

Olivia frowned, making a few mental calculations.

That must be for tests to check on the state of development with the foetus—as an older mother Honor would, of course, be presumed to be more at risk than a younger woman.

Olivia had undergone similar tests herself, more routine so far as the hospital was concerned, but she had been more than relieved to have Caspar with her—and if
she
had been anxious then no doubt Honor would be even more so. For the first time Olivia tried to put herself in her stepmother's position. It was obvious how much Honor loved David and how much faith and belief she had in him. Well, Olivia just hoped he wouldn't let her down as he had done virtually everyone else in his family.

Apart from her daughters! A leopard never changed its spots, she reminded herself fiercely as she hurried the girls into the house.

But she couldn't deny the love she had seen in her father's eyes as he looked at his grandchildren.
Her
children!

'How is
SHE
?' Caspar asked in concern as Molly finally emerged into the hospital's waiting room area.

Tiredly she pushed a hand through her hair, a personal little gesture she only used when she was tired or nervous, as Caspar had discovered. Seeing it now made him want to reach out and tell her not to worry.

'She's okay. At least—' she paused and shook her head '—the crisis is over but Ginna's still on a ven-tilator and they're not sure which way it will go.'

Helplessly she bit her lip and turned aside.

'They can keep her alive but what kind of life...what quality of life will it be for her, Caspar?'

Caspar shook his head. It was impossible for him to answer such a question.

'They still don't know until they run some more tests just how badly affected she is going to be. She's had some kind of brain seizure. They don't know why and they don't even know whether or not she could have some more.

'There's no way I can leave her until I know what's going to happen to her and that could be two or three days. Thanks for bringing me, thanks for everything,'

she added fiercely. 'But I guess I'd better say goodbye.... I'm going to have to check into somewhere close by.'

'I'm not leaving you here until you do.'

Molly's head came up, their gazes locking. The air in the waiting room was heavy with pain—and with love.

'You don't have to do this,' Molly whispered, her throat tight.

'Yes, I do,' Caspar contradicted her softly. 'You go back to Ginna if you want to,' he told her. 'I'll go and sort us out some rooms.'

Some rooms... Ten minutes later as he punched the number the hospital secretary had given him into his mobile he had to grit his teeth against the temptation to ask only for one room.

THE MOTEL
was only a short distance from the hospital, a clean clinical anonymous place and relatively quiet at this time of the night. The clerk registered them disinterestedly, handing them their keys.

Molly had shaken her head a little over Caspar's insistence on carrying her overnight bag along with his own, desperate to be able to do something for her even if it was only a token gesture.

Their rooms were on opposite sides of the corridor.

Caspar waited until Molly had unlocked hers and checked it out before opening the door to his own, fiercely resisting the temptation to cross the space between them. His body ached with tiredness from the drive and its anxiety, coupled with a very different kind of tension.

Once
Olivia
had made him ache like this...need like this.... Olivia... Angrily he pushed the thought of her away. She had no place here in the new life she had forced on him.

The look in Molly's eyes as he had said good-night to her had reminded him of the look in his daughters'

when something was frightening them. Without her having to say anything he knew both that she was terrified of losing her sister and terrified of her survival.

Despite his tiredness he knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep. Stripping off his clothes he headed for the shower. He had just put his jeans back on and was drying off his hair when he heard it, a hesitant uncertain tapping on his door.

He reached it in two strides, pulling it open, expelling the hot, hard, aching breath of sharp desire he had inhaled and held as he prayed who his visitor might be.

'Molly!'

White-faced, shaking, she stood frozen in the door-way wrapped in a soft, thick, fleecy robe. Very gently and tenderly he drew her into the room and closed the door. She was looking at him as though she had no idea how, or where she was, or why.

'What is it?' he coaxed her. 'Has the hospital rung?'

She shook her head.

'I was... I was...' He could see her swallow. 'I just wanted to be with you,' she told him huskily, a faint pink colour staining her skin as she looked nervously away from him.

When she started to remove her robe for a moment Caspar was too transfixed to move. Her skin was the colour of soft cream, her naked breasts full with rose-gilded nipples. As she dropped her robe to the floor it made a heavy clunking noise.

'My mobile,' she told him, following his downward gaze. 'Just in case...'

Her eyes darkened, her mouth trembling slightly.

'I shouldn't be doing this,' she said huskily. 'It's against all the "rules" and against my own rules, too,'

she admitted. 'It's so wrong.'

'No, it isn't,' Caspar corrected her gruffly as he stepped towards her and took hold of her.

'In fact, I can't think of anything that could possibly be more right. Have you
any
idea just how much I've been wanting you like this?' he whispered hotly as he bent his head to kiss her.

His erection was hot and tight, straining against his jeans. Sliding his hands downwards until his fingers entangled in the ridiculous scrap of silk and lace pur-porting to cover her deliciously curved behind, he pulled her hard against himself, groaning into her hesitantly opening mouth as he felt the sensual weight and femaleness of her against his aroused body. His tongue rubbed against her lips, parting them and sliding,
thrusting,
eagerly inside them. Her mouth was as sweet and hot as he already knew her body would be.

As their mouths meshed, their tongues entangling, then pulling apart to explore further, he waited to feel the sweet savage bite of her teeth against the special sensual place just below his ear, his hands sliding from her buttocks up to her waist and then towards her breasts. Olivia loved it when he touched and stroked them and...

Olivia...

Immediately Caspar froze. Shock and self-disgust filled him. He could feel his erection fading, softening, the heat of his earlier desire obliterated by what he was now feeling. In the distance he could hear a noise.

Molly was disentangling herself from him and reaching for her robe.

Well, he couldn't blame her. She had every right to be furious with him and worse.

'My mobile's ringing,' he heard her gasp as she fumbled with her robe.

Her mobile! So she hadn't...she didn't...

He could see her hand trembling as she clasped the phone to her ear. Instinctively he moved to help her on with the robe she was struggling with.

'It's the hospital,' she told him as she ended the call. Ginna has regained consciousness.... I have to go to see her Caspar. I'm so sorry...I didn't...' She looked self-consciously at him and shook her head.

'There isn't anything for you to feel sorry for,' he told her fiercely as she hurried to the door. What the hell was wrong with him? What was he doing thinking about
Olivia
like that when his desire, his longing, his
need
had been for
Molly
and
not
for Olivia...? But thank God Molly herself had not realised what had happened.

'I'm coming with you,' he told her as he opened the door for her. This time she did not demure or protest, saying softly instead, 'Thank you.'

'I
TAKE
it you aren't au fait with modern technology?'

Sara commented flippantly to Nick as he pushed open the door to his cottage and she saw the pile of mail on his mat.

Her flippancy was a desperate grab at something—

anything
—to conceal from him just how nervous she was feeling and how much she was regretting the false bravado which had brought her here. It wasn't that she didn't want Nick—she
did
—but she was now miserably aware that she was masquerading under a false persona and that the feelings she had tried to belittle and dismiss were now showing her their affronted outrage and rebellion.

Her feelings, she recognised, were mercilessly con-temptuous about the concept of emotionless sex; and worse, they seemed to have decided that
they
recognised in Nick Crighton everything that they had ever wanted and they were now determined to rush pell-mell into proving to her that there was no way they were going to be prevented from
showing
what they wanted.