Stay (16 page)

             
I’m not doing this. I refuse to let him rule my life. He’s already ruined it, but I still have some shred of dignity left.

             
I grind my teeth together until my jaw hurts, “Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck is your problem, Zac? I TOLD you I’m gonna finish with her and then I’ll be home. I’m not your fucking puppet, never have been, so get that through your head.” That’s going to cost me, but I don’t care at this point.

             
He doesn’t own any part of me and
I am
allowed to have lunch with a friend whether he likes it or not.
Fuckwad.

             
He breathes heavily on the phone before responding, “Okay—you win, Alex. I’m looking forward to you coming home, pretty girl. Can’t wait.”

             
Awesome.
That means he can’t wait to take out my defiance on my body and I am in no mood for that because I don’t think my body can take anymore.

             
I control my anger enough to have the common sense to not have a repeat of last night.

             
Defeated, I say, “You know what? Fine, Zac. I’ll be home soon. I’ll say goodbye and I’ll see you there. Is that all right?”

             
“Perfect. I’ll be waiting. Love you, pretty girl.” Translation--he’ll be timing me.

             
I gag. “Yeah, bye.”

             
I hang up then sigh as I open the door and this time Evanescence is singing ‘My Immortal’, making me think about the one person that I’m unable to be with.
God, Jason, you haunt me every day. Do I haunt you?—Fuck! Forget, Alex, forget
.

             
I reach our table and Magda’s already eating her cheeseburger and fries.

             
I sit down across from her and start gathering my things, unable to look her in the eyes, “Do you mind if we cut this short? Something came up and I gotta get home. Is that all right?”

             
She swallows her food before responding, “No problem, girl. I’m gonna be gone for the rest of the week on business but I’ll be back next week for the wedding. Everything should be taken care of. We are using the same wedding planner you did. She’s got everything under control. I already told her what I wanted and needed, so you shouldn’t have to do much for it. I’ll just need you to go and pick up the wedding dress I pick out tomorrow before I leave, if that’s all right?”

             
I finally look up to meet her eyes but she’s focused on her cheeseburger. “That’s fine just let me know which one you want. What were you going to tell me by the way?” I add making sure I give her an opportunity to tell me what she was so nervous to before.

             
She starts fidgeting in her seat. “Uh—nothing important. Not a big deal. I’ll see you when I get back,” she says with a nervous smile as she stands up with me for our hug goodbye.

             
I want to ask her again why she is so nervous to tell me anything but I soon forget as I make my exit to my car and head “home”.

             
As I approach the house, which is in the prominent neighborhood of Lost Dauphin Road, I groan inwardly thinking about the hell that awaits me.

             
I never thought that I would be re-living the hell I did so many years ago with my mother, with my
husband
now.

             
I pull into the long driveway and sit there listening to ‘Try’ by Pink.

             
“You can do this, Alex. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can try to be happy. You can try to make both of you happy.” I tell my reflection in the rearview mirror before turning the car off and heading inside the house.

             
Since I came home when he wanted me to, his mood was more pleasant than the earlier angrier one.

             
The evening went the same as it always does, awkward and tense. Both of us avoided the discussion about the events that occurred the night before.

             
Zac went on to inform me that he is ready to open his own Ameriprise office on the west side of Green Bay, which is why he wanted me home, so that we could celebrate. Unfortunately, his celebrating involves sex and I am not up for that so I avoided all his advances throughout the night.

             
We both get ready for bed in silence but I know what he wants tonight because he keeps peeking over at me with lustful eyes.

             
I shudder every time he looks at me because I know he isn’t going to let me avoid him tonight.

             
By the time we are getting in bed I no longer have any excuses left as to why I’m avoiding having sex with him but I try to play the tired card. “Zac, please, I’m tired and my body is sore. Not tonight,” I say getting in my side of the bed while he gets in his.

             
He doesn’t waste any time and quickly straddles me, holding both of my arms over my head.

             
I wince at the pain having his body on top of mine causes me.

             
“Dammit, Alex you are my WIFE, like it or not. So I will get fucked tonight,” he states, not wavering his eyes from mine. “That little mouth of yours has given me a lot of lip lately and I think you owe me an apology. What better way, than to give me what I want,” he continues to say near my ear.

             
I look away from his horny perusal of my body, making we wish I would have worn more layers than the long sleeve tee and flannel pajama pants I have on.

             
I grit my teeth, “I’m tired and my body hurts.”

             
“This won’t take long and I’ll make it so good you won’t even feel pain, pretty girl,” he whispers in my ear as he starts kissing my neck.

             
I hold back a disgusted shudder and close my eyes so tight I see stars.

             
I take a deep breath because I know what’s coming after what I’m about to say, “Why don’t you go fuck one of the whores you got on speed dial instead of fucking a dead corpse?”

             
His eyes get wide and a look of utter shock hits his face before the first blow to my right cheek hits me.

             
It doesn’t take me by surprise because I know he hates it when I remotely try to question his actions or dare I say his husbandly duties.

             
I swallow the blood in my mouth before I look back at him. “Too much? Or are you surprised that I know?” I ask sarcastically.

             
He gives me his evil eye before letting go of my hands and grabbing my chin so hard I can already feel the bruise forming.

             
I grind my teeth as hard as I can to take some of the pain away.

             
“Listen to me and listen to me carefully. I will fuck who I want, when I want, that includes you. I will agree with you in the fact that fucking you is like fucking a corpse, if not worse. So in light of that, I will be fucking someone tonight. Someone much, much better than you. You’re just as bad in bed as you are a wife. You should be honored that I even want to pity fuck you, you pathetic Bitch!” He yells right in my face.

             
I could have told him that having sex with him was like the feeling I would imagine you get when you’re being burned alive, but I thought that would be pushing my luck.

             
His words should sting but really they mean nothing to me because he’s a piece of shit and I hate him so there has never been an ounce of me that
wanted
to have sex with him, which basically proves his point.

             
I grab both his wrists and push him as hard as possible despite the pain I feel all over my body. He isn’t expecting it so he falls on his back and lands on his elbows.

             
I scramble further up the bed. “Fuck you, numb-nuts. First of all, you’re the worthless piece of shit that has to go find a Bitch to fuck him because he doesn’t have anyone that genuinely wants him or loves him—not even his fucking WIFE,” I laugh to further prove my point, “Second of all, call me a Bitch again and I WILL cut you, motherfucker! Now get the fuck outta here and go see one of your hoes before I go through with it!”

             
He tries launching himself at me but I kick him right in the gut before he even gets close to me.

             
He groans and grabs his stomach while I hop off the bed. “Try me again, Zac. I’m not a victim, nor will I ever be. I will always defend myself, you may think I’m weak, but you have no idea what I’m capable of. You’re not the first piece of shit I have had to defend myself from. Now like I said, get the fuck outta here!” I scream as I point to the door.

             
“This isn’t over, pretty girl, not by a long shot,” he manages to get out in between breaths.

             
After he gathers himself. He gets off the bed and grabs a pair of jeans, shirt, and his shoes before he heads for the door.

             
“Oh…and before you go, STOP fucking having your minions call me from an unknown number to check up on me!” I add to let him know that I’m not stupid about the things he does to try and control me.

             
He stops midstride, “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. I don’t need to have anyone call you to check up on you, I have a tracking device that tells me everything I need to know…so keep that in mind, Alex. I own you!” He seethes.

             
Then without so much as a glance back my way, he slams the door closed.

             
I roll my eyes and shake my head at his words.
If it’s not him, then who the fuck is it? He’s gotta be fucking lying, GPS wouldn’t be enough for him. Idiot.

             
I sigh heavily and sit on the edge of the bed waiting for my heart rate to slow down.

             
That could have gone very differently if I wouldn’t have stood up for myself.
Fucker!
He thinks I don’t know about all the fucking bitches he’s got on speed dial to get his fuck on because God knows he’s not getting any from me, at least not willingly.

             
The last time it was consensual was when we got married and even then I didn’t want to but at that point he was still the sweet guy I thought he was so I felt bad and caved in even though the whole time I was thinking about Jason—the only one I had ever been with up until that point.

             
Jason, the one that got away, the one that broke my heart and left me for who knows what reason other than he didn’t want to be with me.
No! I will not think about HIM, I will not!
I lose myself in those memories too often and nothing good ever comes of it.

             
I look at my nightstand and groan at the memories that flood my head at the thought of him.
Not tonight, Jason, I won’t allow myself to think of you tonight.

             
I tuck myself into bed once again, thankful that I didn’t have to endure another night of physical pain.

             
Soon after, I fall into a heavy sleep.

Chapter Nine

              Standing in the middle of the room, I hear a door closing behind me.

             
I feel cold and alone until soft hands caress my very open back. My body immediately erupts in goose bumps.

             
My eyes close when I feel his body come closer to mine. I feel his breath near my ear and I shiver at the anticipation.

             
“Alexandra…let me hear you say it…” He whispers.

             
All thoughts evaporate from my mind at the sound of his voice.

             
I want to turn around and face him but his hands go to my hips then, slowly turning and walking me towards something.

             
As we come to a stop his body presses into me from behind pushing me up against the door that shut moments ago. 

             
I slightly open my eyes but everything is blurry which confuses me until his hands roam every curve of my body making me close them again.

             
My heart rate picks up and I hope that he can’t hear how loud it’s beating.

             
“Say what?” I ask breathlessly.

             
His hands stop their exploration at my stomach.

             
I gasp when pulls me back into him and I feel every inch of his hardness.

             
I try to open my eyes again so that I can see him but I can’t.

             
I’m so in the moment with this man that my brain doesn’t seem to be functioning correctly. All I know is that his voice alone is lighting my body on fire.

             
One of his hands leaves my stomach and I feel my hair being moved to the side.

             
His lips start to torture me on my neck and I shiver. He places feather like kisses there and I struggle not to let my knees buckle.

             
“Say that you understand your mine and nobody else’s…” He says when he gets near my ear.

             
His lips stop their slow torture, as if he’s waiting for me to say what he wants before continuing.

             
I don’t hesitate because the need that I feel for him right now is unbearable. “I’m yours and nobody else’s…” I relent.

             
In a flash his fingers are sliding the straps of my dress down my arms, leaving me naked except for the heels and lace g-string.

             
I’m dazed when I hear him rasp, “I need you now, Alexandra.”

             
A whimper escapes me when his fingers graze my skin as he slides my panties down my legs.

             
“Step out of them, baby…” He says gently.

             
I do as he says and my body trembles with want.

             
He inches his way back up and I hear his zipper coming undone.

             
I start breathing rapidly when his hands find my hips again and he arches me back.

             
I place my hands on the door to hold me up somehow.

             
When he’s at my entrance I hear him grunt and whisper, “You’re mine, Alexandra…no matter what happens, you’re always going to belong to me.”

             
My head spins out of control as he pushes into me repeatedly.

             
All reason leaves me and all I can see in my mind is the only person that I have ever wanted…Jason. Those blue eyes looking down at me when we laid in my bed after making love that night after Melanie’s party.

             
I remember it so vividly, like it was happening right now…but I know it isn’t. He’s not here. All I have are the memories of him that help me remember that he was real…that we were real.

             
“Things are so much easier when you give me what I want, pretty girl,” I hear a menacing voice that brings me back to reality.

             
My eyes fly open and I’m laying face flat against the mattress. Zac is near my ear breathing heavily.

             
I look down and see that I’m naked.
Please God, not again…

             
That’s when it hits me…it did happen again, like it always does. Those memories make me give into Zac. I was reliving that night in college with him—not Jason. 

             
He pulls out of me and I shudder with disgust. Tears spring to my eyes but I don’t let them spill over, after all, it’s not the first time that this has happened. It is however, the last time. 

             
My stomach churns when he lies next to me.

             
I hop off the bed and grab my flannel pajamas before running into the bathroom.

             
“Where you going, WIFE?” Zac asks sarcastically lying on the bed with his arms behind his head.

             
Determined to know what happened I stop mid stride and turn to face him. “Why are you here!? I told you to leave and fuck someone else!” I scream, making me angrier at the thought of him going out and fucking a whore then coming back and taking advantage of me.

             
He laughs sardonically, “Pretty, girl…you should know me better than that. I waited until you fell asleep, like I always do. You’re always much more willing that way.”

             
I flip him off before slamming the door and making a quick move towards the toilet.

             
I puke my guts out and that’s when the tears start falling.

             
When I’m done throwing up whatever is in my stomach, I stand up shakily and move in front of the mirror.

             
There’s a look of disgust in the person staring back at me. A look I know all too well.

             
I start scrubbing my neck where he was kissing me, until its beet red as if that’s going to take away his touch.

             
I stop when it starts to sting. I look around the bathroom for anything that will help ease my pain. There’s nothing that will make me feel less dirty, so I do the next best thing.

             
I scream at the top of my lungs and push everything that’s on the marble counter off. Immediately shattering some things into little pieces but I don’t care, I just want to feel better. I want to forget about the misery I find myself in…the memories of Jason that haunt me every day.

             
“FUCK!” I yell and grab some more of my perfumes that didn’t shatter, off the ground and throw them at the closed door with so much force, they break.

             
Silence fills the bathroom until I hear Zac laughing his ass off in the bedroom.

             
Angry more than I’ve ever been now, I grab another perfume that didn’t break and walk out of the bathroom.

             
Zac is putting his pants on, so he doesn’t see me.

             
I throw the bottle directly at him, but he moves making me miss and it hits the wall behind him.

             
“What the fuck!? You fucking crazy Bitch!” He yells staring up at me.

             
I smile sardonically and say, “Yeah, I got your Bitch right here, asshole!”

             
He stares at me with angry eyes before grabbing his button up shirt off the bed and storming out of the bedroom.

             
I run after him to slam the door right after him and lock it so he doesn’t come back in. Then I go to the secret compartment in my nightstand and grab what I’m looking for.

             
I take the book with me in the bathroom and stand in front of the toilet. I take out Jason’s picture and look at it for a brief moment.

             
I allow myself to remember the day he left, the day I took this picture. Doing this makes me angrier which is what I want because I can’t do this anymore.

             
If I want to be lucid enough to fight back when Zac wants something from me, I have to forget Jason. I have to pretend like he never existed because the memories of
him
, destroy me every time I remember. I hate myself more and more each time it happens. Every time I wake up to the reality that Jason is gone and in his place is this monster that takes advantage of my memories.

             
“I’m sorry, Jason…I can’t do this anymore…” I sob before ripping up his picture into little pieces and flushing it down the toilet.

             
Next is the book, the last piece holding him and I together. I hold it tight against my chest because if I get rid of this, I’ll have nothing left to remind me of who we were together.

             
I close my eyes and let my head fall back until it hits the shower door. I slide down and fall to my knees.

             
Ever since he left I can’t breathe, I miss the way he held me, the way he touched me. All I’ve ever wanted and still want from him is to come back to me but that is never going to happen and I have to accept that.              

             
Holding the book tighter I cry, “I just want to forget, Jason…please, let me forget…” Only then will I be able to protect myself from Zac.

             
I take the book away from my chest and look at it one last time before I throw it in the garbage. 

             
“Goodbye, Jason,” I whisper before letting the book fall into the trash can.

             
I will myself to not think about everything I have accepted as lost because that’s what leads me to the kind of mess I’m in.
I can’t think about this anymore. I’m letting it go…I’m letting him go.

             
That’s when I realize I have to go to the pharmacy and get this problem taken care of because I cannot get pregnant by this monster.

             
I have to get it together and move on and fix this, like I always do.

             
There’s only one way for me to deal with the life I’ve chosen to live with Zac…become as cold and heartless as him
.
It’s the only way for me to survive.

             
I sigh and wipe the tears away. “I will live the rest of my life regretting ever moving on from you, Jason. But never again will our memories make me weak,” I state, before running out of the bathroom and getting ready to head for my plan B.