Stay (12 page)

             
I stand there looking at him for what seems like hours but soon enough I remember Magda’s at my side when she tries to yank me towards the exit again. That breaks my trance with the person I hope is a Jason look-a-like.

             
To find out if it’s really him I turn to her.“Is that Jason? Please tell me that’s not Jason. Please tell me it’s my imagination. Please Magda!” I beg.

             
My eyes plead with hers to tell me that I’m wrong and it’s not him because if it is…the wound that he left me with when he left is about to be reopened. I don’t think I can handle it again. I start breathing sporadically, waiting for her to reply.

             
She looks past me and glares before facing me, “Ugh! Yeah, it’s him. Let’s go. He’s an asshole. He doesn’t deserve you going after him like I know you will!”

             
I flinch at her words but refuse to let her get to me.

             
Jason—
he’s really here, but why
? I have to know what he’s doing here and why he left the way he did. I deserve some sort of explanation. I refuse to accept that he thought there was nothing real going on with us.

             
I pull away force-ably from Magda.

             
I have no idea how I get the ability to start walking again but I do. It’s as though my body is on autopilot and it’s heading straight for Jason. My eyes follow his.

             
Seeing him now makes me remember how I could never read him as well as I thought I could.

             
How stupid was I to think that the person behind those piercing eyes cared about me?
Dammit!
I can’t do this to myself tonight. I have to focus on finding out why he did this to me—to us.

             
“Don’t do this to yourself, Alex, think of Zac—“ Magda manages to say before I get too far.

             
I clench my teeth and don’t even bother to look back at her for that comment. Like I could really think about Zac right now. I could give less of a shit about him, he’s not the one for me and I know that with all my heart.

             
He’s just the guy everyone thinks I need in order to move on from the person I really want to be with. He’s nothing else to me, never will be.

             
Walking towards him he stands motionless not straying from my eyes. 

             
All I want to do is run into his arms and let him hold me until everything is back to normal with us but I know I can’t do that. I love him and I always will but there’s a huge part of me that knows there’s no way I cannot confront him about the reasons behind pulling my heart out of my chest and stomping on it.

             
All these thoughts running through my head make me remember those months of misery and sadness I went through because of him and I start to get angry.

             
When I get closer to him I see that he looks different. Still has the same sexy toned body, same buzzed hair, but there’s something in those blue eyes of his, aside from the dark circles around them that I can’t figure out…is it shame? pity? longing? I’m not sure, but I intend to find out.

             
I find myself not being able to look away from him because it’s as if his eyes are searching for something in me that I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s as if he knows he’s broken me and I’ll never be the same—or at least I hope he knows that’s what he’s done to me.

             
I finally reach him and I stand in front of him like an ice queen. He hasn’t moved an inch. Our friends have moved away so it’s just him and me standing in the middle of this crowded loud bar without saying a word to each other.

             
He’s the first one to break the silence because I’m unable to think of anything nice to say, “Hi…”

             
I hear his voice and it makes me want to curl up in a ball but I know I can’t do that anymore. He hurt me and although I would like to go back to the start like the song says—I know we can’t…I can’t.

             
I tilt my head to the side in mock interest and clench my hands into fists when my anger starts turning into rage. 

             
“Hi, stranger...” I seethe with a forced smile.

             
A flash of sadness passes through his eyes. “Alexan—“

             
“Don’t!” I hold my hand up like a petulant child.

             
I look into his eyes in search of something—anything that will tell me why he did this, but I come up empty.

             
“How’ve you been, Jason? Good? That’s great. You wanna know how I’ve been?” I ask sarcastically.

             
I get as close to his face as possible which means I have to be on my tiptoes. “Fucking great after having some fucking asshole stand me up for no fucking reason. Then it got even better when that said asshole fled school without so much as a ‘see ya later, Bitch, nice fucking you. Thanks for your virtue.’”

             
I see him flinch at my words as they come out of my mouth.

             
Still looking in his eyes I see him start to get angry but I don’t care—this time, I’m going to stand my ground.

             
His mouth becomes a thin line as he grabs my right wrist roughly and starts to drag me to the exit of the bar.
Dammit! Everyone’s dragging me everywhere tonight! Fuckers!

             
“Let me fucking go, Jason!” I admonish while twisting my wrist away but his hold only gets tighter.
Well that’s gonna leave a mark, that’s for sure.

             
He struggles to get through the crowd of people in front of him but he manages to get out the door.

             
He pulls me into an alleyway that’s between the bar and the Erbert & Gerbert’s sub shop.

             
He comes to a stop halfway in and suddenly pulls me close to his chest. His eyes don’t blink as he stares down at me.

             
Faintly, Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ starts playing inside the bar—a lot of Coldplay tonight.
I didn’t know that band was that into playing love songs
. I mentally shrug.

             
“Is that what you think?!”

             
Jason’s scream brings me back to reality so I pull my face back to look up at him.

             
“That’s what you did. So it’s what I know,” I scold, refreshing his memory.

             
His eyes go wide and dark with rage, “You think I just fucking used you and then left because I didn’t give a fuck about you?!”

             
“YES! Isn’t that what happened, Jason? Isn’t that what you did to me? Or have these few months erased your memory?!” I yell as I punch his left shoulder with my left hand.

             
He takes my remaining hand in his to keep me from hitting him.

             
His face inches closer to mine, “I NEVER fucking used you! You were the only thing keeping me sane in this fucking place. I had to leave, I had no choice!!”

             
I wince at the hurt I hear in his voice so I soften a little bit because maybe that was too much.

             
“What do you mean you didn’t have a choice? You could have told me, Jason,” I say defeated.

             
I feel tears springing to my eyes again but I will them away. I can’t allow myself to shed any more tears for him.

             
“You could have opened up to me, told me what was going on with you, or the least you could have done was say…goodbye. I think you owed me that much…I gave you everything--” I whisper as tears stream down my face against my will.

             
All the pain I’ve been through because of him comes back full force now and it’s impossible for me to stop the dam from bursting.

             
“I couldn’t say goodbye, Alexandra, not to you. I had to make a decision and when I did, there was no turning back for me,” he says sadly.

             
He let’s go of my right hand and reaches up to gently wipe my tears away with his thumb.

             
I close my eyes at the feel of his hand on me. His touch reminds me of how much I’ve missed him--everything about him.

             
I lean into his hand to enjoy the feel of him at least for right now.

             
“Why did you leave?” I whisper, still trying to figure out what he’s not telling me.

             
“It’s complicated…” He says looking away from me.

             
In an instant, that comment has me seeing red again. Breaking the spell he just had me under.

             
I push off of him and twist my left hand to get out of his grip. I’m successful this time.

             
I take a step back from him. “It’s complicated??!! I’ll tell you what’s complicated. Complicated is making the decision to tell the person you love that you want to be with them no matter what their problems are and not being able to because that person disappears into thin air!! That’s fucking complicated. So don’t give me that bullshit, Jason! Don’t! Be a fucking man and tell me the truth, you owe me at least that if nothing else. I spent the last four months thinking about you and longing for you…”I stop to take a shaky breath.

             
I feel myself start to full on cry now but it doesn’t stop me from continuing to let him know how much he hurt me.

             
“I tried so hard to forget you and I had finally told myself that you obviously didn’t want to be with me so I should try to move on with my life and now here you are, acting as if you didn’t break my heart into a million pieces. I don’t know what hurts more…you leaving or you being here now and opening up a wound I have been trying to close for months. God, Jason, did you really not want to be with me that much?” I finish just barely above a whisper.

             
I don’t know if he can clearly hear me because of all the sobbing but I see pain and shame flash through his eyes so I know that what I said affected him.

             
He reaches for me but I take another step back.

             
I shake my head back and forth because I know all my will power will disappear if he touches me again. I know that I will give into him knowing that I shouldn’t because of everything he’s put me through.

             
He lowers his eyes to look down. “You can’t love me, Alexandra,” he whispers just loud enough for me to hear.

              I push him hard on the chest taking him by surprise so he stumbles back and hits the wall behind him.

             
I walk to him and poke my finger directly on his chest where his heart should be.

             
“I do Jason! I have since the night I first met you. I don’t know how or why but I love you more now than I did before, if that’s even possible. I know I shouldn’t because of everything you’ve put me through, but I do. I never thought I would be able to because of my fucked up life but you made me fall in love with you.”

             
I take a break and think carefully about my next words because I need him to know how much everything that we had together meant to me. That way, he’ll be able to realize how much he hurt me…even if all he does is just feel bad about it.

             
“Every moment, every touch, every kiss, made my love for you stronger. I thought you felt the same. I came to accept the fact that I was wrong but that doesn’t change the fact that
I do
and always will. I gave you everything I had, Jason. I was going to tell you that night how I felt but you disappeared and left without caring about how I would feel, without caring about how you would break my heart doing it…you just didn’t care enough to let me down easy so you just ran...” I manage to say as tears run relentlessly down my face.

              He closes his like he’s in pain. “Please, don’t do this, Alexandra, please…I never meant to hurt you—that’s the one thing that I never wanted to do,” he pleads with me softly.

              Looking ten years older and defeated, he starts rubbing his head back and forth.

             
Feeling like this is getting nowhere, I relent, “Well now you don’t have to worry about that, I’m done. I’m glad you’re doing well. Have a good life, Jason.” I state matter of factly.

             
I wipe my tears and start walking away to the end of the alley to head back to my dorm when he reaches out and grabs my arm. He swings me around to face him before I can take two steps towards leaving.