Steel: (#5 The Beat and the Pulse) (10 page)

I
regretted leaving
Josh the way I did.

He’d just stood there in the middle of the Outpatient Clinic like I’d just kicked him in the balls. I’d fucked up, I knew I had, and I wasn’t sure how to fix it. Maybe too much time had passed.

Right now, I was standing in the middle of the ER, looking just as dazed. It was a quiet night, which had given me a lot of time to think about the night we’d spent together. Against the wall, in my bed, in the shower, on the floor, on the kitchen bench, on the couch…

“Great,” Gunner declared from beside me.

“What?” I glanced up and saw a guy wandering into the ER with his palm pressed against his forehead and blood running down his face.

“It isn’t even a full moon,” she went on. “And stupid dudes go and smack their heads right when it’s time to clock off.”

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. “I’ve got it,” I said to her. “It’ll take twenty minutes tops, then I’m out for the night.”

She sighed dramatically and hugged me. “Thanks, Blue. I owe you one.”

“I’ll bank it for a rainy day.”

“You’re going to make me pay, aren’t you?” she asked, pulling away.

I smirked. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

Gunner groaned loudly as I turned to the patient.

“Sir?” I asked, approaching him. “I’m Dr. Walsh. It’s your lucky night.”

He blinked at me, looking bewildered. At first glance, he looked like he was in his mid-twenties with sandy blond hair and blue eyes. Probably good-looking enough underneath all that blood. He was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a black T-shirt that was dark with droplets of blood. Head wounds were always bleeders and made a hell of a mess without being serious at all. Still, I’d have to check his pupil response and check for concussion markers.

“I’m super lucky,” he drawled, staring at me.

“C’mon. Let’s have a look at you.” I guided him to a gurney, helped him sit, and slid the curtain around to give the guy a little privacy.

“What’s your name?” I asked, pulling up a stool in front of him.

“David,” he replied. “You’re pretty for a doctor, you know.”

I smiled and shook my head, pulling on a pair of gloves. “You’ve had a nasty knock to the head. Let’s have a look at that cut, hey?”

He let his hand fall away from the wound, and I began to dab at it with a wipe. The moment the cloth touched his broken skin, he hissed and pulled away.

“That stings like
fuck
,” he exclaimed.

“I’ve got to clean this up so I can see what you’ve done,” I scolded him, and he sat still, his eyes screwed shut as I cleaned the site, flushing out any dirt and bacteria. Once I was done, I got out my light and checked his pupils. Other than a headache and a slight concussion, he was all good. I’d just have to stitch him up, and send him on his way.

“Do I need stitches, Doc?” he asked, beginning to look pale.

“Yes. A couple. You’re not going to die if you’re worried about that.”

He opened his eyes and peered at me. “The pretty Doc is a comedian.”

“Hardly. What were you doing?” I asked, getting the suture kit ready.

“Would you believe me if I said I was rescuing a kitten that was stuck in a tree?”

I snorted, covering up a laugh. “If you’re asking if I’ll be impressed, probably not.”

“How old are you?” he asked. “You look pretty young to be a doctor.”

I smiled, not put off by his flirting. “I’m old enough to do my job.”

“Okay, okay. I get it. It’s the brush off.”

“Okay, David,” I declared, getting back to the task at hand. “I’m going to give you a local anesthetic to numb the area. Apart from a slight pinch, you won’t feel a thing.”

“Good,” he said. “Needles and things going through flesh make me feel sick.” He began to pale.

“Don’t think about it,” I said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

His gaze fixed on mine, and he swallowed hard. “That’s easier said than done.”

“You’ll be fine. I’ll look out for you.”

He took a deep breath. “Good. That would be nice. My mates left me to come in here on my own.”

“They left you alone bleeding like that?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. It had undercurrents of Josh, not as dramatic or dire, but it still brought him into my mind’s eye.

“Assholes,” he cursed.

“Sounds like you need new friends.” Rising to my feet, I retrieved the syringe on my tray and drew the anesthetic out of its little vial.

“Fuckers. We were out having a laugh after a shitty week, you know?”

I nodded and gestured for him to continue. It’d keep his mind off the needle I was about to stick him with.

“My girlfriend broke up with me,” he said. “Was cheating behind my back.”

“I’m sorry,” I offered. “That has to suck.”

“Have you ever been cheated on, Doc?”

He stared up at me as I brandished the syringe, and I hesitated. The image of my ex fucking that nurse from behind, which had been burned into my retinas, flashed before me, and I shook my head.

“Well, it sucks,” David said, taking my gesture as a denial.

Injecting the anesthetic into his brow, he flinched slightly but held firm.

“See?” I asked. “That wasn’t so bad, right?”

“You distracted me.”

“Worked, didn’t it?” I smiled and sat down on the stool again, adjusting the height so I was level with my work.

Once he was patched up and loaded with a couple of paracetamol tablets, I sent him on his way and called it a night. By the time I rolled into my apartment, it was pushing three a.m. Way too late to message Josh.

Sliding into bed, I buried under the covers and breathed deeply. I’d call him tomorrow. I had to.

It wasn’t too late to try to fix my mistakes.

S
ometimes good intentions
aren’t good enough.

I was going to call Josh the first chance I got, but I was woken at seven a.m. after four hours of sleep to come back to the hospital and cover in the ER again.

There’d been a virus running through the hospital that had struck down half of the staff, which was want to happen in our line of work, and I was one of the few who’d been spared. That meant I had to go in and cover or the ER would get overloaded.

Loading myself with coffee and sugar, I toiled away in ground zero, stitching and setting broken wrists, checking heart rhythms, and doing X-rays until I lost track of time. 

“Ugh,” I declared, leaning on the wall next to Gunner, who was looking just as tired.

“Some days, I wish I’d become a hairdresser,” she said, rubbing her eyes. “If I see another kid that has swallowed something it shouldn’t have, I just might.”

Despite how weary I was feeling, I laughed. “At least you can get the interns to sift through their crap.”

She raised her hands. “Hallelujah!”

Smiling, I cast my gaze over the waiting room and was glad to see it had lulled for the moment, hence the short breather. Then my gaze found a familiar face, and I pushed off the wall.

“I’ll catch you later,” I said to Gunner as I approached David, the head wound guy from the night before.

“Hey, Doc,” he said as I approached him.

“David,” I said. “Is everything okay? Your head—”

“It’s cool,” he said with a shrug. “I was hoping to speak to you.”

Oh
… I glanced over my shoulder at Gunner, but she’d disappeared.

“I was a bit out of it last night,” David went on.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Listen, I know this is probably left of field considering everything…”

I narrowed my eyes, starting to feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t the first time I’d patched up someone, and they’d tried to ask me out. Not that I thought highly of myself, it was just people tended to latch onto those who showed them kindness after a traumatic experience. David had been dumped by his girlfriend, then left to wander into the ER on his own by his deadbeat mates. I was nice to him, and he thought I was pretty, so he’d come back hoping for a shot. Even if Josh weren’t on the scene, I’d still decline.

I opened my mouth to interrupt him, but he finished his question before I could do anything about it.

“Do you want to get coffee sometime? Or dinner?”

“I’m really flattered,” I began, and his expression crumpled.

“It’s okay,” he muttered, backing away. “I get it.”

“David…”

“It’s cool,” he called out and turned, striding from the ER.

Gunner appeared beside me and raised an eyebrow. “Breaking hearts, Blue?”

“He was the guy from last night,” I said, feeling bad.

“Head wound dude?”

“Yeah. His girlfriend cheated on him, and his mates got him a concussion and ten stitches for his trouble. Left him to come in here on his own.”

She whistled. “There’s some real winners out there, that’s for sure. You wouldn’t even give him a pity date?”

“Gunner,” I scolded her. “Encouraging patients like that is bad news. Last thing any of us need is a—”

“Stalker?”

I sighed. “Yeah, that.”

“Don’t worry, Blue. He won’t be coming back.” I gave her a look. “Did you see the poor guy’s face?” Laughing, she wandered off to see her next patient, and I got back to mine.

Thirty minutes later, an ambulance screeched up outside, and I was pulled into emergency surgery for the rest of the day. Mending a femur that had been obliterated in a car accident was delicate work that required lots of pins and elbow grease to get back into place.

When I finally scrubbed out, I was beat. 

“There’s something at the nurses’ station for you, Holly,” Nurse Judy said, tapping me on the shoulder as I shuffled through the ward like a zombie.

“Me?” I asked, blinking.

She winked. “Someone’s popular.”

Walking down the hall, I wondered what was going on, and when I saw what was waiting for me, I paused, a frown creasing my forehead.

A giant vase of white lilies sat on the bench, a little white envelope with my name written on it in elegant cursive taped to the edge. I glanced up and down the hall waiting for the punch line. Who would send me flowers? My thoughts instantly went to Josh, but I wasn’t sure it was his style, not after the incredible date we’d had last month. Fuck, was it a month ago? No wonder he was shitty with me. I should be sending him an apology gift, not him.

Plucking the envelope from the vase, I pulled the card out to see who it was from.

Reading the message, I frowned.
You are the stitches in my broken heart
.

I flipped the paper over, but there was no name anywhere. Instantly, I thought of David, the guy I’d stitched up last night. Then my mind went to my ex back in New York. I hadn’t heard from him since the night I found Josh on the street. He’d sent me a half-hearted Facebook message asking if I was okay, but it had undercurrents that stunk of an ulterior motive, so I’d ignored him. Why wait three months to send flowers? Something wasn’t adding up.

I stared at the lilies and felt a creepy shiver run down my spine. Best thing to do was toss them in the bin and forget about them. Whoever they were from, I didn’t want anything to do with it.

Archer appeared beside me. “Nice flowers, Hol.”

I clutched my hand against my chest and took a few deep breaths. “Fuck,
Archer.
Don’t be such a creeper.”

He laughed and turned his attention back to the tablet in his hand. “Whatever you say, Hol.” He wandered off, his attention turning back to whatever he’d been doing when he’d seen me standing here like a dork staring at a bunch of flowers.

Shaking my head, I grabbed the vase, rounded the nurses’ station, and dumped the whole thing into the nearest bin.

Staring at the mess, I began thinking about Josh and our awkward exchange in the Outpatient Clinic the other day. He’d been mad at me for not seeing him sooner. Three weeks was a long time considering the amazing sex we’d had all over my apartment. The memory of his cock inside me had my body quivering, and I glanced around, my cheeks flushing. Thankfully, I was alone.

Checking my phone, I saw that it was eight p.m. Finding a quiet corner in a supply closet, the first thing I did was call Josh. It had been far too long, and I hoped I hadn’t blown my chance.

The call rang so many times I almost gave up that he was ever going to answer. My heart sank lower and lower with each beep, and I began to regret my stupid career choice if it was always going to keep me from being completely happy. I loved being a surgeon, but was it everything? Once upon a time, it had been, but ever since I met Josh, I didn’t know anymore.

Finally, the call connected, and I straightened up, hope brimming that it wasn’t his voicemail.

“Sparks.” My name was a sigh on his lips, and I felt even more pitiful, but it was Josh in the flesh, so at least there was some hope if he still wanted to talk to me.

“Josh,” I said. “I’m sorry about the other day.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He sounded defeated.

“I will,” I retorted. “I have some things I need to talk to you about. I should’ve called you sooner… Can I see you?” A moment passed, and I began to think he’d hung up. Checking the screen, the call was still connected. “Josh?”

“Friday,” he replied.

“Friday?”

There was a slight pause before he asked, “Do you even know what day it is?”

“Tuesday?” I offered lamely.

“It’s Wednesday night, Sparks,” he said before sighing.

Fuck it. “Well then, it’s probably a good thing if we get together and talk.”

“I’ll say.”

I swallowed hard. “I can’t stop thinking about—”

“Don’t say it,” he interrupted. “A
month
, Holly.”

I didn’t like it when he used my real name. When he called me Holly, I knew he was pissed. I didn’t know him that well yet, but it was how he told me he wasn’t happy without actually saying it.

“Friday,” I declared, feeling tears prick at the back of my eyes. “Can I see you Friday?”

“Yeah. Friday.”

S
itting in my car
, I stared out the window at Pulse Fitness.

It was this huge warehouse space, not far from The Underground, that was all brickwork with shiny modern fixtures. Described in a single word, it was
posh
.

I was still off-kilter after Sparks’s call last night. I’d pretty much given up on ever seeing her again. I’d imagined her hooking up with that douche, Archer, and that had done nothing but make me fly into a rage. The mirror would never be the same again, and I definitely wouldn’t be getting my bond back on the apartment. He was much more suited to her considering the statement that had come from her very own lips.
Surgeons dated surgeons
. Of course, they fucking did.

What use was it pining over Sparks when I still didn’t know what I was going to do with my life. Thinking about the fight last week, I knew it was smart not to go back in there, but without The Underground, what did I have? I didn’t have Sparks. I just had myself and a long, bleak existence to look forward to.

Once, I’d trained so I’d be powerful. I’d failed so many times because I’d been weak, and I’d built up my strength, only to have it fail once more. I’d landed in hospital, and now my back was fucked up. Did I care? I should.

Sliding out of the car, I shuffled toward the doors of the gym, still not entirely sure I was going inside.

I knew the rumors that had flown around The Underground about Ash Fuller, aka Maverick. I’d never known the guy, apart from the beating he gave me, but we had a lot in common if what people said were true. A bleak past, no future, and a fuck load of demons. Layers of anger and regret that had sunk so deep there was no end.

Staring up at the facade of Pulse, I wondered if I could turn my life around like he did. He had a successful business, a woman to love, and someplace to go. What he also had was the million dollar winnings from a Championship fight. I had a couple of thousand bucks that I’d won the week before. Without the prospect of another bout, I had shit all.

I was a small fry compared to that guy. Attempted murder had nothing on the real thing, no matter what label the suits put on it.

Shaking my head to clear it from the cobwebs of the past, I opened the front door and stepped inside, hoping I might find some answers inside.

The smell of leather and sweat smacked me in the face as I crossed the threshold, the muted sounds of music floating through from the main part of the building. Through the windows that separated the foyer from the gym itself, I caught sight of the usual rows of cardio machines. Bikes, treadmills, cross-trainers, and most of them were full. Considering it was six a.m on a weekday, it was kind of surprising.

The front desk was unattended, so I rang the bell and leafed through the flyers littered across the surface. Personal training, nutrition, fitness classes, some stupid yogalaties bullshit… Typical gym lineup.

The music increased in volume as a door opened, and a tall, statuesque woman with long, dark hair appeared. She was beautiful, but I also recognized her as Ren Miller, one-time AUFC fighter who turned down the gig for that cesspool that left me out on the street for dead. I didn’t know how she could stomach it, but I guess she had this place now.

“Hey,” she said brightly. “Welcome to Pulse Fitness. Are you interested in a membership?” She looked me up and down and nodded slightly.

“Yeah,” I muttered, realizing she didn’t know who I was. Probably a good thing to keep it that way.

“You look like you already know your way around a gym,” she went on. “We have the full setup and then some. If you’re into MMA, traditional boxing, or Thai kickboxing, we’ve got instructors and classes.”

“I’m just looking for a quiet place to work out,” I said, going along with the charade.

“Well, we’re not exactly quiet in the traditional sense of the word, but you’re welcome to come in at any time and do your own thing. All the programs are optional. Here.” She picked up a flyer from the haphazard stack and handed it to me. “We have memberships for every kind of person. From casual visits to the whole shebang. There’s a free pass for a week so you can give us a shot to see if you like it here.”

Peering at the flyer, I actually began to warm up to the idea. Their prices were better than the shithole I currently trained at. Pulse was further away from my place than the other joint, but if there was a free pass…

“If you want to come and have a look, I’m more than happy to show you around,” Ren said, sensing my deliberation.

Peering through the glass into the gym, I wondered if it was actually healthy that I’d come here. What if Maverick recognized me? Did I want him to? I had no idea what I’d hoped to achieve by coming here. Closure, hope, direction? Who the fuck knew.

“Yeah,” I heard myself saying. “That sounds good.”

“Great!” She smiled widely at me, bouncing on her heels. “I’m Ren, by the way. My husband owns the place.” She stuck out her hand, and I shook it.

“Josh.”

“C’mon,” she said, waving me forward. “Grand tour starts this way.”

She opened the door to the gym, and I stepped through into the large space. The roof seemed to be a thousand feet high, the rows of skylights letting in more light than any fluorescent tube could.

“We’ve got a separate area with free standing and fixed weights,” Ren said, beginning her spiel. “There are bags along the far wall and a bunch of ropes. Over the back is a fully kitted out octagon, which comes in handy since we have a couple of guys who are training for the AUFC. My husband, Ash, is their coach. Are you into fighting?”

I glanced at her, unsure what to say. “A little.”

“Well, he’s available for some one-on-one sessions, but his time is pretty taken up by the guys. We do have some other trainers who would love to take you on, though.”

She ushered me forward, showing me the lockers and change rooms, then the kitchen where they had on-site nutrition and cooking classes. Finally, she guided me through the rows of cardio machines, and that’s when I saw her among the early morning exercisers.

Charlie Croft.

Her gaze met mine, and she stood, her expression guarded. What was she doing here? I didn’t know she was in with the Fuller’s. Blinking a few times, I came to the conclusion that it really was her.

“Charlie?” I asked, staring at her blankly for a moment.

“Josh,” she said, coming to stand before me.

“Hey,” Ren said. “I’m just giving him the tour. You guys know each other?”

“Yeah,” Charlie said. “I know the big lump. I can take over if you like?”

“Charlie,” she scolded with a wink. “You’re a customer. You don’t have to do that.”

“Nah, but I haven’t seen this guy in ages.” She thumped me on the arm. “I’ve got to cross-examine the guy.”

“
Great
,” I drawled.

“All right, if you say so.” Ren turned back to me and smiled. “If you’ve got any questions, I’ll be floating around. Oh, and if you’re interested in that free trial, let me know, and I’ll get you hooked up.”

“Thanks,” I said and she left Charlie and me alone for the cross-examination.

As soon as we were alone, Charlie grabbed my arm. “What are you doing here?” She glanced over my shoulder in the direction Ren had disappeared.

I shook myself free. “Looking for a new gym.”

She didn’t look convinced. “What’s up? You look beat.”

Glancing across the floor to where Maverick’s wife was talking with a staff member, I frowned. I wonder if she knew what her man had done for me.

“Leave it,” Charlie said, laying a hand on my shoulder. “No good will come of that.”

“I know,” I muttered. “I’m not sure why I came here…”

“Answers.” I turned my attention back to her. “You got them all when he paid for your medical expenses.”

“So it was Fuller,” I said. I’d suspected he had after what he’d done to me, but it had never been fully explained.

“I confronted him about it not long after I spoke to you in the hospital,” she confirmed. “He knows you’re okay, and that’s all that needs to be said about it.”

Shit, she thought I was here to punch on with the guy. “Charlie, I didn’t come here to cause trouble. I don’t hold a grudge. I knew the score when I went into that cage.”

“Then why are you here?”

I shrugged, not wanting to tell her that I was hoping to find an answer to the meaning of life…or at least a clue to point me in the right direction.

“It’s a better gym than the one I was going to,” I replied lamely.

Charlie rolled her eyes. “Then come train with me a while, smartass.”

I followed her across the mats where we positioned ourselves among the weights.

“So, how are things going with that pretty doctor?”

Narrowing my eyes, I began stretching out my arms, intending to start with some reps on the dumbbells before getting into the heavier stuff. There was a metaphor if I ever saw one.

“Oh, c’mon, tell Auntie Charlie about it,” she prodded.

If my head weren’t so full of Sparks, I would’ve been pissed that she was patronizing me.

“It’s just…” I trailed off with a shrug.

“She’s a fancy doctor?”

Glaring at her, I picked up the dumbbells and began some repetitions. Of course it was because she was a fancy doctor and I was a deadshit nobody, but I wasn’t going to admit it to Charlie. Not when she was a fucking cop and just going with the flow where The Underground was concerned.

“We went out, had a great time all over her apartment, then nothing. After a month, I’d pretty much given up,” I said, mentally scolding myself for sounding like a chick.

“It’s a busy job,” Charlie replied, picking up another set of dumbbells and sitting across from me. “Every time I have to go into the hospital for a job, those guys are run off their feet. It’s a big responsibility. And, dude, I don’t want to know how many times you’ve done it with the poor woman. Boundaries.”

I sighed. “That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

She smiled at me and began lifting. “Woman.”

My lip curled. “Fuck off.”

“I’ve seen tougher fighters than you going mushy for the right woman,” she went on, ignoring me. 

“Maybe, but Sparks is different. She’s…” I didn’t know how to describe how I saw her.

“She rescued you,” Charlie said. “Nursed you back to health, stole your heart and—”

“Don’t finish that,” I interrupted with a roll of my eyes.

She snorted.

“She’s this big shot surgeon with a fancy apartment. She’s smart as hell, and I’m just a guy.”

“She intimidates you?” I glared at her. “Calm down. It’s okay to be intimidated by someone, even a woman. It drives us to want to be better. Unless you’re the jealous type, then you just pout in a corner.”

“That’s the thing,” I said. “What prospects do I have? I can’t offer her anything. I fight at The Underground. Look how that turned out for me. I don’t have anything else to give her.”

“It’s not always about stuff, Josh,” she said, shaking her head like I was a moron. “Sometimes, it’s about more than that. The spiritual connection between the souls of two lovers.”

I rolled my eyes at her new age lingo. “Is that what you call your relationship with Rebel?”

“Shut it. You know what I mean, so have a think about it.”

“What spirit do you know that can pay the bills?”

She glanced at me. “You need a job?”

“I need a direction.”

“A career, huh?” She thought for a moment as we lifted our dumbbells in unison. “What about the Police Force?”

I glanced at her, waiting for the punch line, but she was being totally serious.

“You’d be good at it,” she went on. “It’s a lot of training straight up, but we could use muscles and a good head like yours.”

I snorted. “My back’s not what it used to be.”

She paused what she was doing and glanced at me, her blue eyes narrowing in concern. “I heard you got back in the cage.”

I shrugged. “I won…”

“But?”

I shook my head.

“Fuck, Josh. I’m a detective, and right now, I detect that you’re not telling me the full story. Give me a little credit.”

Fucking cops. Couldn’t get anything past them. “They told me it was reckless.”

Charlie sighed and put the dumbbells down. “They as in Dr. Walsh?”

I nodded. “There she goes, shrinking my balls yet again.”

“It’s not emasculating,” she said. “It’s reality, and sometimes, reality fucking sucks. You had tenderness the other night, didn’t you? Back at it too soon?”

I sighed, remembering the ache in my spine and the unbelievable rage that had driven me into the cage in the first place. I hadn’t cared if I’d paralyzed myself…and I hated my life now. What would it be like having a tube stuck in my cock to piss?

“Without fighting, I don’t know who I am,” I said truthfully.

Silence, then she stood and came to sit beside me, placing her hand on my shoulder. “I think I get it now,” she murmured. “You don’t think you’re good enough for her.”

I was struggling with a lot of things, but having Charlie voice them, made them feel even more daunting. They were a mountain I’d never be able to conquer.

“You know I’ve seen your file, Josh,” she went on, beginning to walk on dangerous ground. “If this is stemming from what happened—”

“Shut up,” I hissed, knocking her hand away.

Charlie edged away slightly and held up her hands. “Fine. Suit yourself. If you need a mate to talk about it with, you can always count on me.” She rose to her feet and began shaking out her limbs. “I’m not going to put up with your temper, though. I get enough of that shit with Kane.”

That was the thing about Charlie. She was a detective in a man’s world and had to act like one to get through the day. I didn’t envy her, but I understood well enough.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered. “It’s just a sore spot. I want to forget about it.”

“Understandable. Listen, I’m going to do some k’s on the bikes if you want to join me?”

“Yeah. I need some advice,” I said. I’d been an asshole to her when she was only trying to help, which I fucking needed, and Charlie seemed to be my only ally in the war against myself.