Stepbrother Dearest (12 page)

The reflection of my own expression in his gray eyes told my side of the story. I had definitely lied. I

had lied to him and to myself in saying I could handle this. It had only been a few hours, but it felt like a lifetime of attachment had built up in this room overnight, and it was about to be ripped apart.

His body shuddered as his orgasm suddenly shook through him. His eyes never left mine as he opened

his mouth in a silent scream. My muscles clenched in climax as I watched him. He continued pumping into

me slowly until there was nothing left of his orgasm.

His voice was hoarse. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” I said, not even knowing exactly what he was referring to. Was it for coming before I had?

Was it for his scheduled abandonment? Was it because he saw the look in my eyes and knew what I was

really feeling? Either way, it didn’t change the fact that he was leaving.

Elec stayed with his head on my chest until his breathing calmed down.

When he returned from disposing the condom, I set the clock for seven. He leaned his cheek against my

breast, closed his eyes and held me for the last time until we fell asleep.

***

When the alarm went off, I jumped up to find that the bed was empty. My heart started to race.

He’d left without saying goodbye.

The sun was now pouring through my window, adding to the rude awakening. I buried my head in my

hands and cried. This was my own fault. I knew this would happen and had let it. My shoulders shook as

tears seeped through the grooves separating my fingers. The soreness between my legs, which didn’t seem

noticeable last night in the midst of my sex-induced fog, was now suddenly prominent.

My body flinched when I felt a hand on my back.

I turned around to find Elec standing above me, his eyes dark and empty. “You promised you could

handle this, Greta.” He repeated almost inaudibly, “You fucking promised.”

My mouth trembled. “I thought you left without saying goodbye.”

“I went back to my room so that Randy and Sarah wouldn’t catch me in here when they got up. They

both already left. I just finished packing my stuff.”

I sniffled and stood up. “Oh.”

“I wouldn’t have done that to you…left without saying goodbye…especially after what happened

between us.”

I wiped my eyes. “What’s the difference? It doesn’t change the outcome.”

“No, it doesn’t. I don’t know what to say except that last night…it meant something to me. I want you to

know that. I’ll never forget what you gave me. I’ll never forget any of this. But, you
knew
it was going to end.”

“I didn’t know it was going to feel like
this
.”

His hands were in his pockets, and he looked down at the ground then up at me. “Fuck. Neither, did I.”

When he leaned in to hug me, I backed away.

“No…please. I don’t want you to touch me. That’s only going to make this worse.”

I couldn’t even speak as more tears fell. I shook my head in disbelief over how badly I’d lost my

composure.

I cleared my throat. “What time do you have to leave?”

“A cab is coming any minute. It’s gonna take at least an hour to get to the airport in traffic.”

A fresh teardrop fell down my cheek. “Damn it,” I said, wiping it away.

“I’ll be right back,” he said.

He left to take his luggage downstairs. By the time he’d returned to where I was standing in the same

spot in my room, a car horn beeped outside.

“Shit. Hang on,” he said, running back out of the room.

I looked out the window and eventually saw Elec putting his suitcases into the back. When the trunk

slammed shut, I could have sworn I felt it in my heart.

Elec said something to the driver and came back upstairs. I was still looking out the window blankly

when his footsteps crept up behind me.

“I told him to wait. I’m not leaving until you look at me.”

I turned around. He must have seen the despair written all over my face.

His eyes looked watery. “Fuck. I don’t want to leave you like this.”

“It’s okay. It’s not gonna get any easier in the next minute. You’ll miss your flight. Go.”

Ignoring my earlier request not to be touched, he took hold of my face and looked deeply into my eyes.

“I know this is hard for you to understand. I haven’t opened up to you about my relationship with Randy.

Without your knowing everything and without your understanding what my mother is really like, it’s not

going to make sense. Just know that if I could stay with you, I would.” He gave me a chaste kiss on the lips and continued, “I know that despite my warning, you gave me a piece of your heart anyway last night. And

even though I tried to stop it, I gave you a piece of mine. I know you could feel that happening this

morning. I want you to keep it with you tucked away. And when you decide to give the rest of yours to

another guy someday, please make sure it’s someone who deserves you.”

Elec gave me one last desperate kiss. My eyes were stinging. When he pushed back, I gripped his jacket,

tempted to never to let go. He waited until my hands left him to turn around and walk away.

Just like that, he’d exited my life as fast as he’d entered it.

I stood at the window and wished I hadn’t when he looked up at me one last time before entering the

cab with the piece of my heart he knew he’d taken with him. As for the rest of my heart left behind, it was

shattered.

***

Later that night, my phone chimed. It was a text from Elec with a link.

On the plane, I figured out if you scramble the letters of Greta, you get GREAT. Greta=Great. You’re

amazing, actually. Don’t ever forget that. This song will always remind me of you.

It took me a few hours before I had the courage to click on the link. The name of the song was
All I

Wanted
by Paramore. It was about wanting someone you couldn’t have and wanting to relive the short time spent together from the beginning.

I replayed the song over and over again in a torturous cycle that included inhaling his scent that lingered

on his shirt that I was still wearing and on my bed sheets.

Elec would only contact me one other time over the next seven years.

On a random night almost one year after he’d left Boston, I was out with Victoria. I had just been

thinking about him when a text came in and shook me to my core.

I still dream about your neck. I still think about you every day. For some reason, I just needed you to

know that tonight. Please don’t write back.

I didn’t.

Despite the tears that fell so easily upon reading it, I didn’t. He hadn’t contacted me in so long, and I

figured maybe he was just drunk. Even if he weren’t, it wouldn’t have changed anything. I understood that

now. Actually, I’d become an expert at burying all of my feelings for Elec. His being so far away made that

possible. The couple of times I disappointed myself by giving in to curiosity and checking online, he wasn’t even on social media.

Randy had also stopped going out to California now that Elec was an adult.

Even after several years, my heart still ached whenever I’d allow myself to think about our one night

together. So, I did my best not to go there—out of sight, out of mind, right? That motto is just a temporary fix—until you’re forced to come face to face with what you’ve been running from. That’s when the mental

walls you’ve built to hide behind come crashing down in one hard blow.

PART TWO

“Randy’s dead.”

At first, it seemed like it could have been a dream. It was the middle of the night, and I’d had too much

to drink while out with friends in Greenwich Village the evening before. When the phone rang at 3 A.M.,

my heart began to pound in dread, and to hear those words right off the bat had nearly stopped it altogether.

“Mom?”

She choked through sobs. “Randy’s dead, Greta. He had a heart attack. I’m at Mass General. They

couldn’t save him.”

“Mom, breathe. Please.”

My mother was crying uncontrollably, causing me to feel helpless because there was nothing I could do

about it from my apartment in New York.

She and Randy’s marriage had remained intact over the years, although in recent months, they’d been

having a rocky time. Randy had never displayed toward my mother the same disrespect he’d shown Elec,

but he’d always had an unpredictable temper with highs and lows and was difficult to live with.

The truth was, my mother had lost her soul mate when my father died all those years ago. Her marriage

to Randy had always been one of convenience and stability. Even with his modest income as a car

salesman, he provided for us well. Mom never worked and wasn’t the type who could handle being alone.

Randy had been the first person to come along in the years after Dad passed away. I’d always gotten the

impression that Randy was far more enamored with her than she was with him. Still, losing him was going

to turn her life upside down. With my living far away, he’d been her whole world, not to mention, this was

the second husband she’d now lost prematurely. I didn’t know how she was going to handle it.

I started to shake. “Oh my God.” I took a deep breath in an attempt to compose myself. “I’m so sorry.

I’m
so
sorry, Mom.”

“He was dead before we even got to the hospital.”

I got up and immediately rolled my small suitcase from the closet. “Listen, I’m going to see where I can

rent a car at this hour. I’ll try to be there by morning. Keep in touch by phone and let me know when you

get home. Is someone with you?”

She sniffled. “Greg and Clara.”

That had made me feel better. Greg was one of Randy’s oldest friends who happened to relocate with

his wife to the suburbs of Boston a few years back after a job transfer.

When I was able to find a rental car place that was open, I hit the highway about five in the morning.

On the four-hour drive to Boston, my mind became littered with thoughts about what Randy’s death

would mean. Would I need to quit my job in the city and move back to Boston for Mom? She’d have to

work for the first time in her life to support herself. How much time would I need to take off from work?

And then, it hit me.

Elec.

Elec.

Oh my God. Elec.

Did he know about Randy? Would he come to Boston for the service?

Would I have to face him?

My hand anxiously gripped the steering wheel tighter as my other hand switched the music on the radio

over and over unable to find anything that could drown out the noise in my head.

Even after seven years and a failed engagement to another man, my one true heartbreak had remained at

the hands of my stepbrother. Now, my heart broke for him again in a different way because not only had

my mother lost her husband, but Elec had just lost his father.

Randy was too young to die. Granted, his relationship with Elec was horrible, but the fact that they’d

never made amends saddened me. Nothing stirred up my emotions like thoughts of Elec did. Even moving

away from Mom and Randy never really changed that for me.

Two years after graduating from community college in Boston, I transferred to a small college just

outside of Manhattan where I graduated with a liberal arts degree. Right out of school, I took an

administrative position in the city. I’ve lived in New York for the past three years, and it was there that I met Tim.

We were together for two years. Tim worked in software sales and traveled a lot. We lived together for

the last year of our relationship until his job wanted to transfer him to a European sales position. He’d

accepted it without discussing it with me, and when I refused to move with him, we ended up breaking up.

The move had pushed me to make a decision I would have made eventually anyway. He was a good guy,

but overall, the passion I’d longed for was missing. Even in the beginning of our relationship, there was

never the adrenaline and butterflies that I’d experienced in my short time with Elec. When I accepted Tim’s

proposal, I’d hoped things would change and that I’d grow to love him like he deserved. That never

happened.

I’d had two other boyfriends before Tim, and it was the same situation. I’d compared my feelings for

them to my crazy attraction to Elec. Even though I knew Elec was gone from my life, I couldn’t seem to

help comparing everyone to him, both sexually and intellectually. Even though it may not have shown on

the surface, Elec was deep. There were many layers to him, and his writing exhibited that. There was so

much I never got to know or unravel. But I knew I wanted to find someone with those same qualities. One

thing my time with Elec also taught me was that sexual desire and fulfillment were just as important to me

as an emotional connection.

My other boyfriends were nice guys, but they were average Joes. And it was sad, but I preferred to be

alone than to give myself to someone with whom there was no spark. I hoped that someday I would have

real chemistry again with someone.

The
Welcome to Massachusetts
sign made me anxious. There was so much that was unknown about

what the next few days would bring. I’d have to help my mother with funeral arrangements, and it would

surely trigger flashbacks to the horrible time when we had to do the same thing for my father.

When I pulled into our driveway, Randy’s Nissan was parked on the left, and the sight of it made me