Stepping Up To Love (Lakeside Porches 1) (17 page)

“Everyone thought so. It was always assumed that we would marry, even when we were growing up. By the time we reached adulthood, we were the only remaining children of wealthy families in Tompkins Falls. I moved back here and planned to make it my home. Lorraine had not found anyone she wanted to marry, and we just went along with what everyone expected. She was a good sport, but she was not happy or in love. Neither was I.” He waited for Manda to meet his eyes, wanting her to see that he was being honest.

When she did look at him, she searched his eyes and gave a nod.

“We both deserved better than a marriage of convenience. Phil walked through that whole period with me, and he stayed out of it unless I asked for his advice, which I mostly didn’t.  My Uncle Justin came for a visit, saw Lorraine and me together, and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. When the dust settled from that argument, I knew the answer was: I was doing what was expected of me. Justin suggested I grow up and get a life. I disrespectfully disagreed, which was just old behavior.” Joel shook his head, remembering the look of disgust on Justin’s face.

“Then Lorraine brought up a subject we’d never talked about: children. She wanted a bunch. Right away. I had no idea if I wanted children. That woke me up. I got the courage to call off the wedding.” He looked at Manda and wished he could restart this whole conversation. Her eyebrows were set in an angry vee.

“That conversation didn’t go well either,” he admitted. “I have a talent for poor communication with the people who mean the most to me.”

“You think?” Manda glared at him.

“I have done it again." He knew was just making things worse, and it was time to give up the lead. He fidgeted with his mug while Manda gathered her thoughts.

“Joel, there’s no reason in the world I would be upset that you’d been engaged. But finding out it was Lorraine, after all this time...”

Joel wisely did not interrupt.

Manda continued, “So Lorraine married Kristof on the rebound, and the marriage failed because he’s incapable of marriage.”

Joel nodded.

“But you continued a relationship with her. Why would you keep that a secret?”

Joel was studying the tea in his mug. “I do not have a relationship with Lorraine. We talk from time to time. Amicably.”

The silence lengthened. Manda demanded, “Joel, I need you to tell me what’s going on between you and Lorraine in the present. And look me in the eye.”

“You’re not going to like any of it.”

“I already don’t, so just tell me.”

He took a swallow of tea, set down the mug and met her eyes. “Lorraine and I got back in touch when our relationship—yours and mine—started. When you told me about Kristof, I had to know the truth of your role in the breakup of Lorraine’s marriage.”

“My role?”

“Until you told me your side of what happened, I wondered if you were the co-ed Kristof was having the affair with that led to the breakup of their marriage.”

Manda was aghast. “Why would you think that?”

“Why wouldn’t I? At some point after Lorraine left the country, there were rumors all over here—I mean, the Manse and the college—about you living at Cady’s Point. Lorraine never named the student, and I was unaware she’d hired you.”

Manda dissolved in tears. Joel kicked himself for not editing his honesty. Phil had warned him about blurting out too much when he was under pressure instead of having a well-times conversation, sooner rather than later.

“Manda, when I saw you in the shower and saw the bruises, I knew I was wrong and I knew you were in trouble and I had to understand where the truth lay. And when I heard your story I instinctively believed you. But there was too much at stake to…”

“To trust the word of drunk, I get it.” Her voice trembled, and her hands shook.

He reached for her, but she stood up and moved away from him.

“Don’t. Just keep going. What was at stake? Explain that.”

“Three things. One, I’m a trustee of the college, and you had just told me about a violation of a female student—you—by a tenured faculty member—Kristof—and also about a serious consequence of the Board’s decision to take away promised financial support to our Presidential Scholars. I needed to know the truth around both those things. Not just your truth, but who dropped the ball at the college after that decision was made. And who knew what about Kristof. And who the co-ed or co-eds were that he was involved with before the breakup, and after.”

Manda tapped her foot and breathed heavily. “And did you find out?”

“Pretty much, yes. We’re still looking into the whole mess.”

“'We’ meaning all the important people at the Tompkins College?”

Joel heard the embarrassment in her voice, and it killed him to know how much this was hurting her—how much he was hurting her by the way he was handling it.

“Yes,” he confirmed. “And I wasn’t able to keep your name out of it.” He went into the bathroom for a box of tissues and handed it to her.

“Thank you,” she said. Six tissues later, she prompted, “That’s one. You said there were three things.”

Joel wished he could start over, leave out the numbers, and edit out every hurtful thing. “Two, you were my employee, very close to graduation and soon needing a letter of recommendation. I needed to know if you were trustworthy.”

“And three?”

Joel stood, put his hands in his pockets, and moved as close as he could without violating the keep-away force field surrounding Manda. “Three, somewhere between the white linen napkin you dipped in your ice water to make an eye compress and the laughter we shared before your departure with Tony in his truck, I fell in love with you. And now I know it’s real, and you’re the woman I want to share my life with. But at the time I needed to be really careful.”

Manda’s eyes seemed to study the floor and she looked confused. She held onto her elbows as if trying to keep herself together.

Joel felt his heart breaking, and he was pretty sure he’d just broken Manda’s heart, too. “Manda, please say something.”

Manda rubbed her arms as if she were cold. He moved toward her, but she held up a hand to stop him. “I need to ask some questions,” she said quietly. “When did you call Lorraine about me?”

“I was waiting for her call-back when Tony picked you up in front of the Manse that first morning.”

“That was your crisis?”

“Yes.”

“And when did she call you back?”

“A few minutes after you left in Tony’s truck.”

Manda drilled him with a look. “And what did she say—that’s relevant to this conversation?”

“That,” he filtered the one-hour conversation and all the subsequent conversations. “She verified your story up to the point when she left the country. And she was cool with you having the bike.”

Manda stared at him in disbelief. She shook her head as if she’d given up trying to make sense of what was happening.

Joel was sure he’d blown it and that, right now, she couldn’t handle any more.

In the second he looked away, Manda snagged her keys and opened his front door.

Joel came up behind her and gripped her shoulders. “Manda, please don’t go like this.”

Without turning around, she warned him, her voice low and angry, “You knew I would be upset. I am upset. And I need you to give me time with this.” She was out the door and down the stairs—barefoot—without a backward glance.

Joel listened until she made it safely inside her apartment, and he held his breath until she slammed home the dead bolt. He had never wanted to drink so badly in his life.

He closed his door, reached for the phone, and speed-dialed Phil.

Manda glared at the morning sun. She did not feel sunny. She was numb and sad and— okay, seething. She stood in the shower until the numbness wore off, until she could feel the warm water hitting her shoulders and sluicing down her body.

As she spooned coffee into the pot, she said her usual morning prayer, but it was half-hearted.
God, don’t let me waste this sunny day. Help me to enjoy what you’ve given me.

The aroma of the coffee and the feel of the hot liquid sliding down her throat helped her realize she could do whatever she felt like today. Why not? She’d take Lorraine’s bike—her bike now—for a tune-up. It was about time she rode it instead of just chaining it to the banister outside her apartment.

When Joel had given her the bike she found a magnetized business card for the bike shop Lorraine used in the pouch behind the bicycle seat, and the card was on her refrigerator door. Manda called the shop and asked if they could schedule her soon. “Get here in the next half hour, and we’ll get right on it,” was the answer.

She pulled on blue jeans and a T-shirt, cotton socks, sneakers, and a hoodie, grabbed her purse, and slammed out the door. And trampled a pair of silver slides someone had placed on her welcome mat. Her silver slides. She must have left them at Joel, and he’d come down to return them. And there was her jacket draped over the banister.

Manda debated for a second—should she break down in tears again, leave them where they were, what? If she left them, she’d have to deal with them later, and she really hoped to be over this in a couple of hours. She tucked the shoes under her sewing table, hung her jacket on the peg behind her door, and left with a little more composure this time.
I can do this.

“I warned you,” Phil said for the sixth time. He and Joel had taken their coffee to the lakeshore after the Early Risers meeting. “You have done serious damage to your relationship, and you’d better hope Manda is out getting the support she needs rather than drinking.”

“How can I make it right?”

Phil snorted. “I’d say ‘tell her the truth,’ but you’ve already bombarded her with more detail than she could possibly handle.”

“I have no idea what to do.”

“So, for now you do nothing. Tell me, what are the points that especially upset her?”

“She kept asking about my relationship with Lorraine.”

“And do you have a relationship with Lorraine?”

“No.”

“Joel?”

“Not a personal one.”

“Then what?”

“It’s business.”

Phil shoved at Joel’s arm and glowered at him. “If you don’t come clean with me in the next sixty seconds about what’s going on, you can find a new sponsor.”

Joel swallowed hard. “Lorraine has asked me to help her create a gated community at Cady’s Point. She proposed it when I called to ask her what she knew about Manda and her ex-husband, and we’ve been working on a business plan since then.”

“Are you insane?”

“It’s a business matter and she asked my advice. I think it’s the least I can do for her after I screwed up her life.”

“When did you screw up her life?”

“I broke off the engagement practically on the eve of the wedding of the decade.”

“Oh, boo hoo. You think Lorraine hasn’t recovered from that? She married and had children in the meantime, didn’t she?”

“Yes, and the marriage was a nightmare, as you know.”

“And that’s your fault?”

“Isn’t it?”

“No, it isn’t. Maybe you do need to see a therapist again for a while, Joel. Your guilt is clouding your judgment, and it sounds to me like Lorraine is leading you around by the nose ring again.”

Joel turned away and swore loudly.

“Look at me,” Phil growled. When Joel turned back and met his sharp-eyed look, he continued, “I kept my mouth shut about the way you behaved with Lorraine once, and I’m not going to do it again. You have a chance at a long, happy, loving relationship with a beautiful, smart woman. I mean Manda, by the way, not the queen of Cady’s Point.”

Joel nodded curtly and felt his face flame.

“And you’re letting your guilt about Lorraine’s failed marriage—misplaced guilt—blind you to what Lorraine is doing, and blind you to how it’s affecting your relationship with Manda.”

“What? You think Lorraine is deliberately interfering in my relationship with Manda?”

Phil spread his hands wide apart. “Hello.”

Joel insisted, “She wants to unload Cady’s Point, and she wants top dollar. It’s business. It’s not a relationship.”

“Oh, and is there any reason in the world you need to be involved in that particular business? Which just happened to materialize when you called Lorraine about Manda, probably sounding very concerned about and very interested in the beautiful young lady who used to make supper for Lorraine and clean up her mess every night?”

“You—you’re making this up.” Joel’s face showed torturous confusion.

“Joel, I am begging you and warning you. Let Lorraine find someone else to do her bidding. You’ve got a relationship to mend, unless you’re planning to give up altogether on Manda, who I happen to think is the woman of your dreams.” Phil turned around and headed back toward the parking lot. He muttered, “But what do I know?”

“I always liked this one,” the mechanic told her. “I fitted it for Lorraine five or six years ago. She didn’t use it much. I wondered what happened to it when she left for England.” He stood waiting for an explanation.

Manda hadn’t stopped to think the shop would know it was Lorraine’s bike. She said simply, “I was working for Lorraine when she left and also working for the guy she was engaged to when she got the bike. They wanted me to have it, and I’m really excited about it. I’ve never had anything like this in my life.” She laughed, “As you can see, I drive a beat-up Beetle, so buying a bike like this is way out of reach for me.”