Stepping Up To Love (Lakeside Porches 1) (19 page)

“Good. My original question to you was ‘What do you think of Lorraine?’ You told me what you used to think of her. Let’s come to the present day and have you tell me what you’re thinking about Lorraine since you joined AA and since you learned about Joel’s former engagement and his ongoing relationship, whatever that’s about.”

Manda let out her breath. “Wow, tall order. When you asked me before, I wasn’t even thinking about her in the present.”

“So, tell me how you feel about her now.”

“Well, for sure, it’s not what I used to feel. I mean I still admire her for the way she was and for what she made possible for me then, but I am really angry about what happened after she left.”

“Angry with her, in addition to Kristof?” Gwen clarified.

“Yes. She left me in the lurch, and the consequences were terrible.”

“She didn’t give you any warning about her departure or the divorce?”

“No, there was nothing that clued me in. She was obviously unhappy, but I had no reason to think she was pulling out of the marriage or leaving the country.”

“It’s not something she would have shared with you,” Gwen pointed out.

Manda let out her breath in exasperation. “Except, I was dependent on her for a place to live and couldn’t afford to just find another place to stay for the remaining year and a half, or even for one semester.”

“In dollars and cents, what would it have taken for you to live on campus—room and board—for three semesters?”

Manda did a quick calculation, “Around fifteen thousand, roughly.”

“That was a real burden to you,” Gwen acknowledged, “and you deserved a heads-up at the very least. To say nothing of the courtesy of an employer’s thank you and letter of reference.”

“That helps me put it in perspective. Thank you. I don’t think I could have sorted that out for myself.”

Gwen made her voice light when she told Manda, “Hey, I know people who would tell you to sue her for the fifteen thousand.”

Manda laughed. “That’s not a bad idea. If I weren’t in a good place, and I didn’t have the degree now, I’d probably do something like that.”

“Yet you’re still angry?”

Manda nodded. “I guess for two reasons. One, it’s probably stupid, but I’d appreciate an apology or an acknowledgement. And compensation. And a letter of reference. By leaving me in the lurch, she put me in a difficult spot financially, and she treated me like my needs were of no interest or consequence. I deserved better.”

“I agree. On the one hand, I have to say, as someone who has known Lorraine all her life, that is the way she thinks. She’s always had more money than she knows what to do with, and she has no concept that other people struggle financially or that her actions affect their struggle for better or worse. So, frankly, any apology from her would be pro forma, without meaning. On the other hand, I think you’re the one that brought the yellow bike into the shop, and I think it was Lorraine’s, and Joel arranged for you to have it. Am I right?”

Manda nodded. “It’s a complicated story, but, yes, Joel arranged for me to have the bike.”

“I used to bike with Lorraine, and I can tell you that bike—which is custom, with a lifetime service contract—is worth roughly one semester’s room and board. Could that ever equate to an apology or an acknowledgement or compensation from Lorraine?”

Manda stared in disbelief. “In dollars and cents, I can see where you’re going with that. It doesn’t make me any less angry. Maybe that’s why Joel arranged it. And Joel arranged for me to live in campus housing this semester, even though it didn’t work out. He wouldn’t tell me who was paying for it.”

“That is something Joel would do, and he had the influence to do it. I need to add that Lorraine’s apparent act of compensation to you—the bike—is not something she’s capable of without Joel’s influence. As an aside, they were both kids who grew up with unlimited funds, but Joel developed compassion and a big heart, while Lorraine has a void in that area. Whose phone is ringing?”

“Yours. My bike probably won’t be much longer.”

Gwen added, “By the way, Mother Hen Gwen has to point out that you need a helmet, chickie, and a better lock to go with your bike. We’re still a few minutes from the shop. If you’re still sane, I’d like to hear the other reason you’re angry at Lorraine.”

Manda was not sure. “I did say there were two reasons, didn’t I?”

Gwen nodded. “We were talking about how you feel about her since coming into AA and since finding out about her past involvement with Joel.”

“I think it goes back to what I first said—that my relationship with Joel is just too complicated, because he’s still in a relationship with Lorraine. It’s too hard for me to deal with right now. My focus needs to be on sobriety and education and career.” That last sentence sounded false to Manda. She laughed at herself. “Listen to me, Goody Two Shoes. To be honest, I think Lorraine is putting the moves on Joel, and I’m just afraid I can’t compete with Lorraine.”

Gwen looked intrigued. “Is she really? Actually, I have no doubt you can compete with Lorraine, but I think you’re wise to back off from the relationship with Joel for now. You have so much going on in your life right now. If you were farther along with your career plans and had a stronger foundation in sobriety, you could pick this battle and fight for your man.”

Gwen made a fist and punched the air. They both laughed.

“But the better course of action is to detach and let Joel come to his senses. And honestly I don’t believe for a minute Joel is involved with Lorraine in any kind of romantic relationship. He’s clearly in love with you.”

Manda had another question. “So, taking the full scholarship for the doctorate in Texas is probably ‘running away’? I’ve been kicking that around since I woke up this morning. I almost called my sister to tell her I was going to do it.”

“Is the doctorate from Texas a reasonable path to what you want for your education and career?”

“Honestly, no. I applied when I didn’t know what I wanted, and my sister is there. But now I know what I want, and that’s not it.”

“Would it work, with what you’re thinking you want to do?”

Manda thought about it from that perspective. “I think it would work if I wanted to be in academia and consulting. But it would make people question my sincerity in the work environments I have in mind. So, no, it would not serve me well.”

They rounded the corner to the bike shop, and Gwen suggested, “We’ll do more career discussion another time. Under the circumstances, though, my take is that Texas is probably running away.” She grinned. “On the other hand, a visit to your sister might be a provocative move.”

Manda smiled at the thought.

“Feel better?” Gwen asked.

“A lot, thank you, Gwen. Will you work with me on the steps?”

“You’re a hard worker, Manda. It would be a privilege and a pleasure.”

Gwen paid for her bike while Manda perused the helmets and locks. She asked the shop owner for advice, and he helped her find a yellow helmet in her size and an intimidating lock. “Rack for your car?” he queried.

She shook her head. For now, she would ride from home. When she needed to transport it, as she did this morning, she could fold down the seats of the Beetle and carefully fit it inside.

“And I just got the signal your bike is all set. Enjoy!”

She thanked him for his help and paid for her items.

“I’m thinking,” she said to Gwen, “I want to ride to the coffee shop for lunch and then ride back here to my car. Want to join me?”

Gwen gave her a smile. “Absolutely. I’m starved.”

As they worked their way through harvest salads and hunks of multigrain bread, the conversation moved back to Manda’s inventory of moral strengths and liabilities. Manda recounted the “herd instinct” theory she’d talked over with Joel.

Gwen nodded her agreement.

Manda talked about the behaviors she fell back on with Kristof that her mother had demonstrated around her violent, alcoholic father. “I’ve been standing up to people lately, even though it’s really uncomfortable. Things go much better, and it’s easier to do it now that I’m sober. I think I was on auto-pilot when I drank.”

“‘On auto-pilot’ meaning you used old, self-defeating behaviors?”

“Exactly. I never learned to deal with difficult people.”

Gwen noticed a troubled look pass over Manda’s face, and she asked about it.

“Lyssa. My sister. I really believe we could be good friends if we were both sober and working the program. Part of me wants to jump on a plane and visit her and wave a magic wand to make us better. But you talked about detaching from Joel, and I think I need to detach from Lyssa until I know she’s in the program and staying clean and sober.” She told Gwen about Lyssa’s “marijuana maintenance plan.”

“You can pray for her. And be a power of example.” Gwen asked the harder question, “Do you think you can detach from Joel?”

Manda shrugged. “He’s my boss, my landlord, and my friend. I value his professional perspective, and he’s been a huge support these past few months. I don’t want to cut him out of my life.”

“You could make your sponsor the ‘bad guy’ around not dating him, but I feel strongly that you should level with him about how much you’re affected by his ongoing contact—relationship?—with Lorraine. If that’s the only thing stopping you from having a relationship with him, you need to be clear with him about that.”

Gwen shifted in her chair and draped her arm over the ladderback. “You know, I’ve been thinking about that. Knowing Lorraine, she’s up to something, and for some reason, Joel’s going along with it.”

Manda looked bewildered.

Gwen explained, “If you recall Joel’s story at the AA meeting, he said several times that he was doing what was expected of him..”

“What could Lorraine be expecting Joel to do for her and why?”

Gwen raised her eyebrows. “If I know Lorraine, she’s out for Kristof’s blood, and Joel is conveniently on the scene to follow through with whatever scheme she’s cooked up. And I know for sure he’s filled with guilt about her marrying Kristof on the rebound and ending up in such a mess. Maybe even guilt about your involvement with Kristof, which would not have happened if Lorraine hadn’t married Kristof and hired you and yada yada.”

“But he’s not responsible for any of that.”

“No. But Joel is overly responsible. It’s a character flaw. We’ve all got ’em. That’s one of Joel’s, and he’s sometimes blind to it, particularly when a woman is involved.”

Manda sat back. “Way complicated. No wonder ‘Keep it simple’ is one of the slogans on the wall at meetings.”

“Believe it, chickie,” Gwen told her with a chuckle. “Let’s leave all of that aside and get the focus back on you. What’s clear from my side of the table is that you value Joel as a businessman and you want to continue to be mentored by him in that capacity. I’m going to recommend that you develop that relationship. Don’t hesitate to ask him for advice about grad school decisions, financing your education, getting work experience, and so on. Also consider asking him about his business plans, past and present, and in general how he handles his fortune. I think you’ll learn a lot.”

“That feels right. He and I are on solid ground with those topics, and—you’re right—I would learn a ton.”

Gwen touched her hand, and Manda wondered what was coming next. “I also want you to keep in mind that Joel may be older than you, but he’s still very young. He relies heavily on his sponsor Phil because he has no father, brother, or other close family to support and guide him. You know what that’s like.”

Manda nodded and swallowed a lump in her throat.

Gwen went on, “It’s not easy being Joel Cushman, heir to a significant fortune. Women want Joel—not because he’s witty and warm-hearted and smart—but because he’s rich, and they’d be happy to produce the next heir. Lorraine is probably the only woman he’s been with that didn’t care about his fortune; nor did he care about hers. Now she’s back but he’s found someone else. She’s not going to succeed in resurrecting the old relationship.” Gwen drummed her fingers on the table. “I’m really, really curious what she’s cooking up.”

“You gonna ask her?”

Gwen tipped her head from side to side as if debating the question. “I might ask around.”

“You gonna keep my name out of it, please?”

“Oh, you bet I am,” Gwen assured her. “But I’ll fill you in if I find out anything.”

“Closing in ten,” the coffee shop owner called to them. “Two o’clock we all turn into pumpkins.”

They laughed and thanked him.

Gwen told Manda, “So now you’ve completed steps four and five.”

“Fearless moral inventory, admitted to another person?”

“Yes. You had done most of your inventory already, and you added to it by looking at your experience with Lorraine and how that is still affecting you. And you shared all of it with me with honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. Well done. How do you feel?”

“Lighter. And exhausted.”

“We will move on to the other steps soon. I just want to say that right now I see your biggest amend being to yourself—taking time to choose your life’s work and being open to a loving relationship. Giving Joel a fair chance, not rushing or being rushed into anything not right for you. For right now, I suggest you go home, rest, maybe go to the hot dog meeting tonight, take it easy the rest of the weekend.”

“Sounds good. Gwen, I know you’re a psychologist, too; should I be paying you a fee?”

“Not for working with you on the steps. But as your sponsor I do need your phone number. Here’s mine,” Gwen offered her business card and took the scrap of paper Manda gave her. “Are you okay to drive home?”

“I’m good to go. I will take your advice and will think hard about everything we’ve talked about.” She felt tears brimming. “Thank you for bringing me to a much better place.”

Gwen gave her a big hug. “That’s what we do for each other in AA. You’ll soon be in a place where you can do the same for others.”