Sticks and Stones (14 page)

TEN

M
addie sat at Kim's island bench with a thin-stemmed goblet of red wine, watching her friend wash dishes. She had arrived just as Kim and her son Ryan were finishing their tea, desperate to see someone, talk to someone, do
something
other than stride around her own home, leaving messages on her sister's machine in between shedding tears of fury that accomplished absolutely nothing. And she was well aware that she must have looked a fright, looming at Kim's screen door with reddened eyes and wild hair and her hands clenched into fists by her side.

‘Sure I can't make you a sandwich?' asked Kim, slotting the last of the dishes into the drying rack. ‘I've got some nice smoked ham?'

Maddie shook her head. ‘No thanks. I couldn't eat.'

‘You poor thing.' Kim hung the tea towel neatly on the handle of the stove and then leant against the other side of the bench, beside her own glass. ‘So what will you do now?'

‘I don't know.'

‘Well, firstly you'll need a lawyer. You know that, don't you? And they're pretty expensive.'

‘Yes,' said Maddie. She put her head in her hands and stared down at the benchtop. ‘Yes, I know.'

Kim reached out and gently rubbed Maddie's shoulder. ‘Do you want to talk about something else for a while? Take your mind off it?'

‘No!' Maddie looked up, surprised at the question. ‘There
is
nothing else.'

‘Okay then.' Kim continued to rub, just lightly, for a few moments and then stopped. ‘Well, I don't know how much help I can be in a practical sense, but as a sounding-board I'm without equal. So use me as you see fit.'

Maddie smiled, just slightly. ‘Thanks.'

‘My pleasure. Well, you know what I mean.'

‘The thing that makes me the angriest,' said Maddie, sitting upright, ‘is that I keep falling for it. I mean, I thought I'd changed, got smarter, but I
still
let him pull the wool over my eyes. Like at the airport, he'd already filed all the legal stuff, he must have, and yet he had me feeling sorry for
him
. Thinking
I
was being unfair.'

Kim looked at her for a moment. ‘Well, I suppose maybe you felt a little . . . guilty?'

‘That's right! And that's the sort of thing he picks up on and uses. But why do I keep
letting
him?' Maddie felt tears of frustration prick at her eyes, yet again. ‘Am I really so
stupid
?'

‘No! And don't even think that. It's just that you see the best in people, that's all. There's nothing wrong with that.'

‘But there
is
if it means I keep getting shafted. And it certainly is if it means I lose my kids because I was too busy thinking everything was going to turn out for the best and we were all going to live happily ever fucking after.'

‘You said the f-word,' stated Ryan, appearing by the end of the bench and looking at Maddie with delight. ‘I heard you.'

‘God,
sorry
.' Maddie glanced at Kim apologetically and then turned back to Ryan. ‘And I shouldn't have, okay? So don't you go repeating it.'

Ryan nodded, but kept his smile in place. He was a small, blond boy, with a pronounced cowlick that made him look a little like Dennis the Menace, except sturdier.

‘And I thought you were in bed, little man.' Kim came around the end of the bench and scooped her son up, tickling him lightly around the waist. He giggled happily. ‘Say goodnight to Maddie
again
and this time that's the end of it, okay?'

‘G'night!'

Kim disappeared with Ryan still wriggling in her arms. Maddie took a long sip of wine, feeling the warmth spread all the way down to her gut. Where the lead still lay, solidified once more. She glanced over to the manila envelope lying at the far end of the bench and wondered why she had brought it with her. It seemed important, as if she had to keep it within sight at all times. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

‘Sorry about that.' Kim came back in, bundling her hair into a messy bun that reminded Maddie suddenly of Natalie, with red tendrils curling around a slim face. She blinked and there was Kim again, securing her hair in place with an oversized clip and then picking up the bottle of wine, refilling both their glasses.

‘Still having problems with him staying in bed?' asked Maddie, trying to be normal.

‘Yes, but I'm sure it'll all sort itself out eventually. Now, back to you. When did you say the hearing was?'

‘Next Tuesday. At Dandenong.'

‘So you've got just shy of a week to get everything together. Find a lawyer. Any ideas?'

Maddie laughed humourlessly. ‘I'll just have to check my rolodex. You know, from my extensive criminal past.'

‘I'll take that as a no.'

‘I'm sure my sister will have some ideas though. Her son-in-law's a lawyer for starters.'

‘That's good!' said Kim brightly. ‘And cheaper!'

Maddie didn't bother explaining that Nicholas didn't handle family law, mainly because every time the conversation snagged on costs, she would begin to feel physically ill. Instead she smiled weakly and took another sip of wine.

‘I mean, sure
he's
had more time to prepare but that shouldn't matter too much, should it?'

Maddie shrugged. ‘I honestly don't know.'

‘And the kids will get a say, because they're older, and that'll be good. For you,' Kim pointed at Maddie, for emphasis. ‘And besides he'll have to
prove
these allegations. You know, that you were abusive and all.'

‘Yes, he will,' replied Maddie slowly. ‘But I suppose he
does
have that intervention order.'

‘What intervention order?'

Maddie glanced at her evenly. ‘From the last . . . altercation we had. I fought back so he went and got an intervention order. Against me. Saying
he
was the victim.'

‘Then why didn't you get one too?'

‘There was no point. See, it never mattered what I did, he was
always
one step ahead. And he loved that whole thing, all the tactics. The competition. And then the kids started to get caught up in it all, being used as pawns. Acting out. And it was one thing when it was just me, but them?' Maddie shook her head, remembering.
Max beating at his father's back. ‘Daddy! Daddy! Stop! You're killing her!'

‘But . . .' Kim paused, as if unsure whether to go on. She sucked her bottom lip and then looked away, picking up her glass instead.

Maddie watched her. ‘But what?'

‘Oh, well I suppose that's the bit where I get confused. And please don't think I'm judging,' Kim looked at her intently, driving this point home. ‘It's just that I
don't
understand. At all.'

‘About what?' asked Maddie, already knowing the answer.

‘About you leaving. About
why
you left, without going to court first. It just seems, to me, that it would have been better to have tried that first. Before you took the kids.'

Maddie twirled her glass slowly, the ruby-red wine glimmering within. She thought back to how it had been for those last few weeks, the feeling of utter impotency, of being doomed no matter what she tried. Like being in a whirlpool, caught by the rapidly swirling current, closer and closer to the point of no return. Trying to claw her way upwards, but being sucked faster and lower, faster and lower. Barely able to breathe, let alone stay sane.

‘I mean, that's what the courts are
there
for. To help people who don't get along.'

Maddie stared. Not get along. As if they had simply been unable to see eye to eye. ‘Actually it was a little more than that.'

‘Oh god, I don't mean to belittle anything,' said Kim quickly. ‘Sorry if that's how it sounded. I meant more that the court system can deal with anything, and that's what it's there for.'

Maddie wondered if she could ever explain to someone who didn't know, how delighted Jake had been at the thought of the legal system. How he thrived on such challenges, at pitting his wits not just against her but against an entire system. How she, and the children, would never have had a chance. She glanced at the envelope again and then looked away quickly.

‘And you
both
would've got to have your say. Had someone impartial decide.'

‘Well, that's what's going to happen now anyway,' said Maddie, rather bitterly. ‘So I really didn't accomplish much at all, did I?'

‘No.'

Maddie looked at her quickly, frowning now. ‘Hang on . . . what does that mean?'

‘Look, I'd rather not say. I want to be supportive.'

‘You can be supportive by telling me what you really think. You blame me, don't you? You think I brought all this on myself.'

Kim shifted uncomfortably. She took another sip of wine and finally glanced towards Maddie. ‘Well . . . actually, yes. I suppose I do. I'm sorry, Maddie, I really am, but I just can't get my head around that poor guy not seeing his kids for six years. Six years!'

‘Poor guy? I'm
telling
you that he was violent! Abusive!'

‘But he was still their
father
!' Kim's voice rose and then she made a visible effort to lower it once more. ‘Whatever he was, he was still their father. And he still had a right to know them. To change if that was needed.'

‘I can't believe this,' said Maddie, even though the words had found an echo deep within her.

‘I think I need to explain something,' Kim took her glass and leant back against the stove, facing Maddie. She took a sip of wine as if to settle herself. ‘I'm sure I told you once that I went through a pretty bad patch, back when my marriage was on the rocks. But what I wouldn't have mentioned was that I started drinking quite heavily. Very heavily.' She followed Maddie's eyes to the glass she held in her hand and grinned wryly. ‘No, I wasn't ever an alcoholic, though I think I skated pretty close. I was just utterly miserable, and the more miserable I felt, the more I drank, which made me miserable all over again. It was awful. The thing is that there were definitely times where I wasn't a very good mother. At all. And when we finally separated, Chris could've easily taken Ryan. But instead he supported me to get help, and then stuck by me until I got myself together. And now we have a shared care arrangement that works brilliantly, for
all
of us.'

Maddie continued to stare at her. At the inference that Kim's temporary drinking problem could have any correlation at all to her relationship with Jake.
Knowing that there was nothing she could say or do that would make any difference. Her gut hollow with fear. Staring at the floor while waiting, but still watching him out of the corner of her eye. His face carved from granite, anger emanating in waves. Eyes like flinty marbles and his mouth a tight, flat line that had surely never smiled. Or laughed, or made love. Or been traced over lightly by her finger and kissed so often that it was almost like an extension of her. Almost.

‘And the other day I just stood looking at Ryan, after he was asleep, and thinking that I could've lost all this. Six years. God, I would've
died
.'

‘There's no comparison,' said Maddie tightly.

‘But why not?'

‘For one simple reason,' Maddie slid off her seat. ‘Because Chris always kept Ryan's best interests uppermost, whereas Jake would've thrown Sam and Ashley under a bus, in a heartbeat, if it could have scored him points.'

‘Now, come on. I think you're –'

Maddie stared at her. ‘You have no idea, none at all. You
chose
to drink, and you may have needed help to stop, but at least it was a possibility. There was
nothing
for me. I had
no
control,
no
choices,
no
escape. And you talk about your recovery, but there
is
no recovery for me. I relive it every day. I'll be having a conversation and suddenly I see his face and I can't breathe because I know I'm in trouble, or someone passes me something and I flinch because I see, I really
see
, his arm being raised. Or I close my eyes at night and there's a gun and it's pointed at me and I know it's the end. God, I could go on and on. And these things happen to me every day.' Maddie's voice hiccupped. ‘Every. Single. Day.' She picked up her glass and swallowed the contents, hoping for some of that earlier warmth. Then she slid the envelope towards her.

Kim looked horrified. ‘You're not going?'

‘I am. And, believe me, it's for the best. You don't understand and I don't think I have the words to
make
you understand. The fear . . .' Maddie broke off, just for a moment. ‘Doesn't matter. The thing is that I
do
value our friendship. But if I stay, we're going to end up having an argument, and I really can't handle that at the moment, not on top of everything else.'

‘Are you fighting?' Ryan stood by the end of the bench, looking from his mother to Maddie and back again. This time he had brought a well-worn stuffed rabbit with him, holding it by one arm so that its ears trailed on the floor. Maddie thought suddenly of Ashley, and Tigger.

‘Oh Ryan,' said Kim with exasperation. ‘What did I tell you?'

Ryan shrugged. ‘Dunno.'

‘Come on then.' She went over and picked him up, snuggling him against her chest as he wrapped his legs around her waist. The rabbit now hung down Kim's back, bumping lightly against her bottom as she walked away. In the doorway she turned back to Maddie. ‘I'll be back in a minute, okay? We
will
resolve this.'

Maddie shrugged, much like Ryan just had. ‘Okay.'

Kim stared at her. ‘Promise me you won't leave. Promise?'