Still Human (Just Human) (5 page)

I sigh. “Sorry, I
’m just so frustrated.”

“And you’ve had a disagreement with Max.”

“Actually, we are yet to have the disagreement, he ran away.” I sneer. “But it’s coming.”

“Come on, he
’s looking after you.”

“I think he
’s talked to Danny and now I can’t trust him.”

“What’s the big problem if he has?”

“Well, now I feel like he isn’t completely on my side. He hasn’t tried to defend him, or pass on any messages, but he has heard him out, so now I feel like he has fallen for some kind of lie.” I huff.

“So you think Max would believe Danny and then turn on you?”

I shrug, knowing I’m being trapped.

“That
’s all you think of Max?”

“No, I just…”

“You’re just wallowing in self-pity.”

I stare at her, daring her to continue, but she isn’t intimidated.

“Max loves you dearly and has looked out for you since the day you became friends. You should trust his judgement and advice. He would never put you in the path of harm.”

“But he thinks I should hear Danny out.” I scoff. “Not, mind you
, that he’s beating down my door with an explanation. But even if he was, why would I listen to lies?”

“What if they’re not lies?”
she says and holds my stare.

“He’s got to you too hasn’t he?” I say slowly.
I’m staggered that I’ve lost everyone to whatever lie he is spinning.

“No one ‘gets’ to me
,” she argues. “But you're not seeing reason right now and I’m just asking you to remember who is and will always be on your side.” Pausing, she strokes my hair. “If Max thinks you should talk to him then maybe you should.”

I shake my head. “I’m going to go and l
ie down,” I say absently. I start to shuffle my way up to my feet and Connie stands to help me. “I can manage,” I snap.

“Ok
ay.” She holds her hands up and steps back so that I can pass. “I’ll check on you later then,” she says as I go into the bedroom. I feel really guilty as I sink into my freshly made bed and turn on my new TV, all courtesy of Max. There’s another small silver remote on the bedside table and a satellite remote like the one in the living room, which controls the same box, via a little sensor thing sitting beneath the TV. He has really thought of everything to make me comfortable…I’m being a real bitch. I just don’t know which way to turn right now and I wish I had one person I could talk to about it, that wasn’t a Danny sympathiser.

Hopefully, they’ll drop it eventually, when they see I’m not budging. I try to find a comfortable position and close my eyes. Drifting, I start to wonder what Danny could have said to Max that would make him switch like that. I suppose I can’t really blame Max, I couldn’t believe that Danny could treat me like this either. Maybe believing the lie was easier than accepting the disappointing truth.

“Liv.” I stir and feel Max standing beside me. “Liv, you need to take your tablets
,” he says gently.

I ignore him and keep my eyes closed.

“Liv, come on. You can hate me, but you need to take these. Remember what the doctor said about not letting the pain get ahead of you.”

Reluctantly
, I open my eyes and sigh. I then have to suffer the indignity of Max watching me trying to sit up, although giving him his due, he just lets me get on with it. He silently holds out the tablets, which I sulkily take and swig back with the glass of water he hands me.

It’s not Max’s fault and deep down I can’t stand pushing him away, but I can’t stop myself. I know he
’s talked to Danny and while I need him desperately right now, I’m hurt too.

“I bought you a coffee.’
he says bluntly. “And you left these on the coffee table.” He puts my mobile and the home phone on my bedside table. I know I left them there, it was deliberate. The home phone has rung about six times while I’ve been in here and I’ve gladly ignored it. God knows who keeps phoning, but there is no one ring code, so I’m not picking up. I doubt he would suddenly start ringing now, but I’m not taking the chance. I’ll continue to ignore it, except it will annoy me more now that it’s right next to me.

“Thanks
,” I say with as much sarcasm as I can muster.

“You’re welcome.” He mirrors. Then he abruptly leaves. I heave a sigh of relief. I need to sort this out, I can’t fall out with Max over anyone, least of all a weasel like Danny.

I prop myself up on some pillows and try to get comfy. The phone rings again, so I diligently ignore it while flicking through channels, then, to my horror, the answer phone kicks in…the fucker has put it on! I’m frozen to the spot as the beep sounds. To make matters worse, my stupid, fucking phone plays the audio from the handset as well as the base unit, when they are not connected, so I can’t even get away from it. It’s right beside me and in the living room on loud speaker.

“Liv?” Danny’s voice rings through the flat. “Oh thank
God, I thought I was going to get a brick wall forever!” There is a long pause. “Please call me, or at least check your emails…Please Liv. I love you.” He sighs and then it cuts off.

I’m still frozen as I digest the sound of his voice, the pain and urgency in his tone. I snap myself out of almost feeling sorry for him. I don’t care if he says he loves me, he
’s blown it, it’s finished.

I snatch my mobile unthinking, to call Max and give him a piece of my mind and before I realise what
I’m doing, I’m looking at the screen. Shit! I didn’t want my phone back. Twelve missed calls from Danny, all today. Thank goodness for silent mode. I toss it on the bed beside me in disgust. What now? I feel like the phones are both my enemies now too. Trapped and frustrated, I start to cry. I wallow in it for as long as I can stand and then feel really angry with myself. Look at the state I’m in.

The phone rings again. “Liv, please check your emails there is too much to say on a machine and if you won’t talk to me…Please, read them. I love you.” He pleads once again. He hangs on the line for a moment more before hanging up.

I shudder. This is such a head fuck. I battle with the surge of emotion that comes from hearing his voice and the sickening feeling when I think about what he has done. I can’t check my messages, not just because nothing he says could ever make it alright. But also because I can’t stand the fact that he thinks he has said something in those messages that would make me change my mind. He knows how I react to cheating. Who does he think he is? Oh this is too much, why right now? I just can’t cope. I pull the covers over my head. It’s right that I’m angry, but I can’t get over being angry with him. It’s another sad step on the road to putting him out of my life for good. I’ll stick it out a bit longer and if he won’t stop calling, I’ll get my number changed.

Chapter Five

Liv

You're such a control freak.

I gave serious consideration to actually picking up the phone when he called this morning, just to tell him to fuck off. It’s been five days since the first message and I
’m getting sick of hearing his voice now, pleading and begging. Check my emails, blah, blah. He loves me, yeah sure. He loves me so much he shags some other girl while I’m out for the day. The problem is the rollercoaster of emotions it has put me on. Sometimes, when I hear his voice, instead of anger and irritation, I feel anguish or worse, comfort. His voice has always been my weakness and on my machine it fills every corner of the flat, there's nowhere to hide. I need to get out of here.

I sit on the edge of my bed and contemplate my wardrobe
. Connie took my washing away yesterday and now I’m running out of clothes. Only loose bottoms fit over this damned leg and I don’t feel up to wearing a skirt. I rummage around in the places I can reach and find a pair of jogging bottoms that at first I don’t recognise. Then I realise, they’re Danny’s. I instinctively hold them up to my face and smell them. Why would I do such a stupid thing? They smell of him and this sends my emotions brimming over again, I burst into tears. How can I move on, when I’m so helpless and trapped in my flat, while he bombards me with calls?

I wash at the sink then, feeling sorry for myself, I pull on yesterday
’s bottoms, the only thing that Connie isn’t washing, a clean t-shirt and a hoodie. I text Max.

‘Can you help me get down the stairs please x.’

We haven’t exactly been speaking for the last few days. I’m still angry with him for going behind my back. But he’s still been fantastic, which only makes it worse. I’m treating him like shit and I need my friend back, so I hope I’ve worded the text in such a way that suggests that I need his help. I want to start again, but I really don’t want to discuss it.

I find a small across-the-body handbag on the hooks by the front door and I put my purse and keys in it. I find my sunglasses next to the phone and put them on top of my head. Then I put my bag
over my shoulder and head for the door. As I open the door at the top of the stairs, the one at the bottom flies open.

“What are you doing? You should be resting
,” Max says incredulously.

“I need to get out of here
,” I insist and, taking off my crutches, I start to lower myself to the floor.

“For fuck’s sake
, Liv, let me help you.” He bounds up the stairs.

“No, I can do it
. I just need a bit of help getting down to the floor I think.” I giggle, paused hovering above the ground, holding the banister, unable to commit to the final few inches.

Max laughs too as he approaches me. He holds me under my arms and gently lowers me the rest of the way.

“Thanks.” I smile.

He shakes his head. “You'
re such a control freak.”

“I know.” I grin, making no apologies for it.

“So how are we doing this?”

“Slowly
,” I say, easing myself down the first stair, keeping my leg off the ground, straight out in front of me.

“I’ll just go ahead of you…you know, in case.” He
picks up my crutches and stops several stairs in front of me.

It takes a couple of minutes for me to negotiate the
twenty-two steps and then I need to rest for a minute before I can stand.

“This is exhausting
!”

“Here
,” says Max, lifting me up to standing and arranging my crutches for me. I smile gratefully, as he holds open the door into the diner.

“I’ll just sit in here
,” I say, sliding myself into the back booth and lifting my foot onto the seat.

“Coffee?” Max asks rhetorically. Of course I'll have a coffee.

“Please, and can I have the phone too.”

It takes a minute to adjust to the hum of the diner after being upstairs for days. I didn’t intend to become a hermit, but
I’ve been in a lot of pain. Anytime my leg isn’t elevated it’s agony, so I’ve been pretty bed/sofa bound.

Max comes back with the phone and two coffees and sits with me.

“So why aren’t you resting?” he asks, concerned.

“I’m hardly running a marathon down here, I’m sitting
,” I say, sounding like a sulky teenager.

“You know what I mean
. You are supposed to have your foot up.”

I point at my foot on the bench seat and give a little ‘see’ look. “I
’m wearing the only trousers I have left that I can get over this monstrosity. I need to go shopping. I’m going to ring Connie and ask her nicely to wheel me to the centre, so I can buy some more.”

“I’ll take you
,” he says.

“No, I need you here
,” I say firmly.

“I told you, they have things all organised here, so that I can look after you. The only reason I’m down here now is because I didn’t think you were talking to me. But I was lurking in
case you needed anything.”

I take his hand in mine and smile. “Of course I’m talking to you
,” I say softly. “I just don’t want to talk about ‘that’.”

Max sighs. “Right, so where are we going?”
he says with slight reluctance. I know he won’t just give up, but I’m grateful for the reprieve.

“Ultra-glam…The sports shop. I need more of these.” I
point to my trackies and take a sip of my coffee. “Can we have some breakfast first though? I’m hungry.”

“Certainly Madame, what can I get for you?”

I can feel Max grinning as he pushes me through the door of the
lift in the shopping centre. He’s loving this. Luckily the crowd is very sparse on a Monday morning, so I doubt we will run into anyone we know. In addition to delighting in my embarrassment, he has somewhere to hang his shopping, so he can go on forever. We got some tracksuit bottoms for me and some expensive trainers for him. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on skin care products, which really isn’t me, but as I’ve nothing much else to do, I thought I should at least start moisturising. We stop at the book shop and Max insists I buy the Fifty Shades trilogy to keep me occupied. Normally I would have no time to read, but I’m fairly free these days. Then we stop for a coffee in the new coffee shop at the bottom of the hill. Nice, but they're beginners, nothing I will lose any sleep over.

When we get back to the diner, Connie is sitting at the counter
, waiting.

“You should have called me, I could have taken you
,” she says.

“No, it’s fine, Max fancied a spot of shopping anyway.” Max pushes me back to where I was sitting earlier and I ease in, while he collapses the wheelchair and stows it in the back.

“I’ll just put all this upstairs, then I’ll come back for you,” he says.

I nod
and turn to Connie as she sits opposite.

“So you two have made up?”
she asks.

“We didn’t really fall out, but yes, we’re ok
ay, so long as we steer away from certain subjects.”

“He only wants what is best for you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it with you either.” I warn.

“Darling
, there is only one person you should talk to about it and you know that,” she says, reaching for my hand. I don’t offer it. “I was up there earlier, looking for you, he called and left a message. He sounds desperate. Maybe you should hear him out.”

“He calls about three times an hour
,” I say. “I don’t think I can take much more."

“Then tell him to stop.”

“I can’t answer,” I admit quietly. “I don’t trust myself.”

“You don’t trust yourself?

“I’m too vulnerable, I can’t give him an inch, he’ll be able to walk all over me.”

“Maybe he won’t. Have you looked at your emails yet? He was asking you to look at them. Maybe he has explained himself
,” she says gently.

I shake my head.

“But you want to?”

I slowly nod. “God, I’m so weak.” I sigh, dropping my face into my hands.

“Right, I’m coming up with you, we are going to do this right now, no more hiding. I’ll hold your hand.” She says with purpose, getting to her feet.

“Where are we going?” Max asks, back down to help me.

“Liv and I are going upstairs for a little girl time.” She winks at me.

I subtly brush a single tear from my cheek as I slide to the edge of the seat.
I allow Max to help me stand, but then insist on getting myself up the stairs.

Once on the sofa, I settle myself in and Max brings
us coffees. Then he makes his excuses and leaves us to it.

“I don’t think I can do this
,” I admit to Connie.

“You have to, or he will never leave you alone. At least you can hear what he has to say without actually talking to him.”

I lean forward and pull his computer over so that it’s hovering over my lap. I’ve seen him switch it on before, so I reach behind and feel for the button. The screen comes on and, while I wait, I feel sick. The desktop appears and I wait for everything to load up. The email icon shows 348 messages. Hopefully not all from Danny. I click it. Scrolling through the messages, the first few are irrelevant. So I search for his name in the bar at the top. A new list appears and there are several. I scroll down to the first unread one and, with a deep breath, I open it. Connie holds my hand.

28th May 2012

Liv,

Please call me. I need to talk to you.

28th May 2012

Nothing happened I swear, please talk to me, we can straighten this out
.

D x

28th May 2012

Dear Liv,

I really didn't want to do this by email, but you're leaving me no choice. I have to explain.

It has been over a week since you left. I’m sorry that I’m only just trying to contact you. I’m sorry I didn’t chase you…I’m just sorry. I thought you left because you didn’t love me. I was devastated. I realise now why you left and, although I wish you thought more of me, I know that you not trusting me is totally my fault. I want to tell you what really happened that night. I know you don’t want to hear me out and that you have already decided for yourself what happened, but I have to try.

After I took you to your sister’s place, I finished packing and ran a few errands. I felt like you were still punishing me for not being honest with you about Brooke. But I knew once we got home to the UK we could put it behind us. I hated the idea of meeting you at the party, but I agreed because I wanted you to spend some time with your family before we left.

After I finished up, I took a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, Brooke was lying on my bed in nothing but her underwear and some slutty heels. It turns out, she stole a spare key that day she came by and cried on my doorstep. She had every intention of using it to try and seduce me or break us up, or something. Fuck knows what goes on in that girl’s head.

I freaked. I told her to get out. We yelled at each other back and forth,
and I threatened to call the cops and report her for breaking and entering. I even dialled the number. In the end, though, I managed to get her out the door and I told her if she didn’t leave us alone I would report her to the cops and the school board and she would lose her job.

After she left, the first thing I did was call you. I promised to be completely honest, so I didn’t hesitate in calling you to tell you what had just happened. You didn’t pick up though and I haven’t heard your voice since.

When I couldn’t reach you, I went to the party as planned, but you didn’t show up. I was frantic with worry at first. But then Grace called to say they found your note. I was devastated, I thought, well it’s not important what I thought. It was all self-pity. But I was wrong. You didn’t leave because of how you felt about me. You left because you thought I cheated on you. I completely understand.

But I
’m going to make you trust me again. Nothing happened with Brooke. I don’t know what you saw, but I do know you didn’t see me do anything wrong because I didn’t. I would never do anything to jeopardise what I have with you. I want to grow old with you.

I love you with all of my heart and I hope you still love me.

Please call me so that we can talk about this.

Danny x

Silent tears are running down my face when I look up at Connie. She pulls a tissue from the box on the side table and hands it to me. I wipe my eyes and sit staring into nothingness. How can I believe him?

“What do you think, darling?” Connie utters beside me.