Still Human (Just Human) (9 page)

“It’s not even five, you have time.”

I was going to grab some food, but suddenly I’ve lost my appetite. “Okay, but not here.” I look over my shoulder at the guys at the bar. “Can we go upstairs?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to cry down here.” She begins to shuffle herself to standing. Cry?…oh God! I know I can make this right, but I keep forgetting that she’ll have to go to hell and back first. Once she is up, I feel I should help her in some way. It
’s so strange, I’ve been going through this as if I’ve been with her the whole time. I know every detail, every appointment, the cans and cant’s. I know the physiotherapy exercises she has to do every day. But I haven’t actually been near her, or tried to help her. I don’t know how much help she even needs and now is not the time to get it wrong.

“Can I do anything?” I ask.

“No, I’ve got it. Can you bring my drink?” So, I pick up her glass and follow her out the back door, across the garden and watch while she puts the code into her door and wrestles it open, all without ever putting her foot to the ground. And that bandage looks really heavy. Ever the control freak. She hands me her crutches without a word and turns to sit on the first stair. Then she starts hoisting herself nimbly up each step.

“Shall I just carry you?” I ask before I think.

She shoots me a disgusted look. “God no! It’s humiliating enough that you have to see me do it this way.” Then she continues in silence, leaving me feeling terrible for humiliating her further. “I can do it you know… standing up.” She’s seething. I try not to watch her, I don’t want her to feel worse. She continues her rant. “Mum’s stairs were no problem, it’s just these. They’re really steep.”

“Sorry
,” I whisper. She ignores me. After an excruciating couple of minutes she is on the top step. She holds out her hand for her crutches and uses them to hop up the last step. Once we are in I relax. I set her drink down on the table and wait while she settles in.

“Alright
,” she says as I sit in the armchair, “let’s hear it.” She looks at me with pleading eyes. Pleading me not to hurt her further. I can do that.

Chapter Nine

Danny

It’s not for nothing Liv, why can’t you see that?

“But you never showed up.” I shrug, looking to Liv, as I finish recounting what turned out to be one of the worst nights of my life. “Then I found all your stuff had gone.” I look away from her intense stare, fearing the emotions would consume me. “I was crushed.” I swallow hard. Nothing will hold these feelings from the surface and I half laugh as I wipe the tears from my face. “Sorry.”

I watch her, she too wipes a tear away
but doesn’t speak.

“I knew
I’d lost you, I just misunderstood the reason why.” I sniff. “I never would have waited if I knew it was Brooke. I would have chased you.”

“So why did you think I left?” She croaks.

I shake my head. “Stupid insecurities,” I say, hoping she won’t probe any further. I’m not ready to talk about it, not with her.

She sighs. I wait for her to give some kind of verdict, she is impossible to read at times.

“I’m going to need more than that Danny. Whatever it is you thought I'd done was enough for you to wash your hands of me. I think I deserve to know what it is.” Her eyes are hard with determination.

I roll my head, my muscles are so tense from the stress. I need to word this in such a way that she doesn’t find out about the ring. She will never know about that, not until the day I finally give it to her and today is not that day. “I thought you left because you freaked out about our future.”

She tilts her head, trying to understand. She waits for more.

“I thought you realised that we were about to start a life together and you got scared. I thought you just ran. I thought you didn’t love me.”

“What did I do to make you think that?” She sounds exasperated.

“You ran with no explanation.
I guess it’s a deep-rooted fear of mine.” I shrug. “It’s not rational, but how it ended with us before...it left me very insecure.”

She shakes her head. “Apparently how it ended with us before didn’t go how either of us wanted.” She raises her eyebrows expectantly. “But it’s the past. I want to talk about this, now.” She
points back and forth between us.

Hope swells inside me, she is talking like there is still an us.

“There is only something to talk about if you believe me,” I say quietly. Laying it bare. This is the moment that it could all end. “Do you?” I whisper.

Her face changes. The hardness fades and whatever comes out of her mouth next is unimportant because her expression has just told me everything I need to know. We are going to be ok
ay.

“Danny, I can’t just go back to trusting you
, even if I do believe your story. It doesn’t work that way.”

“That
’s not what I asked,” I say quickly. “Trust has to be earned, I know that. But do you believe me?”

Slowly, without taking her eyes off mine, she begins to nod her head. Every hair on my body stands on end and I feel the wave of relief surge over me. I drop my face into my hands and sigh. It
’s a sense of comfort that I thought may never return. A single tear rolls down my face. I swipe it away as I return my eyes to hers. “Thank you,” I whisper. Then I smile as my body relaxes. “If you believe me, it will be okay.”

She hardens up again. “No
, it won’t Danny, I can’t trust you.”

“Yes
, you can, Liv, I’ll show you.” I smile not convinced by her hard exterior.

“How?”

“Don’t worry about it, it will take time, but I’m in for the long-haul.” I carefully lean forward until I could reach out and touch her, but I hold off. She stays put. “I will earn your trust back and we will be okay. I just want you to know that. I just need to know one thing.” I reach across and touch her knee. “Do you still love me?”

She twists her fingers together and closes her eyes. When she opens them again, they burn straight in
to mine. She nods resolutely. She can’t say the words, but I will take it. I smile as my tears start to fall.

I slide
off my chair, drop to my knees in front of her and clasp both of her hands in mine, pressing my forehead against them as they rest in her lap. Briefly, I allow the emotion to overtake me. As a sob shakes my body, I feel her fingers slide into my hair. It’s just comfort, nothing else, but it shows she cares. I didn’t think I would ever feel her touch again. It’s too much to take. I snap my head up and pull back. I want her, I want to be with her again, make us close again. But I can’t. We have time to make this right...I want to do it right, not like this. We are both too fragile. I pull myself back into my chair and wipe my face.

“Sorry
,” I murmur.

She wipes her eyes with a tissue and hands me the box. We both compose ourselves. Minutes pass while we assess each other. I get a hold of myself, watching her for a clue as to what she is thinking.

“So what now?” she asks, a resigned look on her face. I was right not to take it any further just a minute ago, she's not anywhere near ready.

“
I’ve to go to work,” I say, forcing myself to think of the long-term goal, not some short-term gratification. In truth, I must get out of here before I blow it big time.

She frowns. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to. And I kinda do have to, it’s Saturday and they’re going to be so busy. They are all working so hard to compensate for you not being there, I have to help them…I want to help you.”

She blushes and smiles appreciatively. I feel like I have an opportunity while
it’s congenial between us, so I swallow hard and ask.

“I was going to grab something to eat before I start. Do you want to come down and join me?” I feel sick from the anxiety and emotion of the last hour and eating is the last thing I want to do,
but I can’t waste a chance like this and I also can’t work the next eight hours on only the cereal I ate this morning. She hasn’t replied so I look at her hopefully.

‘I’m not hungry, but I’ll have a coffee
,” she says, with only a slight reluctance. I can’t believe my luck and don’t waste any time offering her a hand standing. I suffer through the rigmarole of her descending the stairs, but think better of offering to help this time. I feel great about how things have gone today, we are definitely on the right track.

I decide on a sandwich
in the hope I can force it down and I give my order to Jake. He raises his eyebrows when he notices my companion and offers me an encouraging smile. I pat his back and laugh, heading out to make the coffees. Max has joined Liv when I get to the coffee machine, they look deep in hushed conversation, so I decide to leave them to it for a moment and glance at my watch. This is the perfect time to call Jen.

“Danny!” She greets me warmly. “I was just thinking about you.”

“Cursing me for the mess I’ve left you to clean up, no doubt.” I laugh. “How are you?”

“I’m good thanks. How are you though?”

“I’m great, really great!” I tell her with a huge grin. “I just saw her and we talked…she believes me, Jen!”

“Oh
, Danny, that’s fantastic news, I’m so happy for you. You remember to take it slow though.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to blow it.
How are things there?”

“It’s all done. Scott is over there with your
dad now, they're just moving the bed over to his place, it’s the last thing. Your cleaning lady is coming Monday morning and I hand the keys back Monday afternoon. That’s it.”

“And my stuff?”

“It went Thursday, should be a couple of weeks. I’ll email you the documents. They'll transfer it to your storage facility when it arrives, they’ll contact you to arrange that. You just have to sign.”

“I owe you one
, Jen. I don’t know how I would have got through this without you.” I smile at the love I feel for my friend. I still hope to be able to repay her one day, but that can’t be my focus right now.

“Just be happy
, Danny, that’s all I want,” she says softly.

“I know. Thanks.”

“Did the transfer arrive?”

“I don’t know,
I’ve had a full-on couple of days, I didn’t check. Should it be there?”

“Yes, yesterday. You should check on that, it’s a lot of money.”

“Yes, Mom! I’m sure it’s fine.” I laugh. “Will you thank Dad for me, he drives a hard bargain. Tell him I’ll call him soon.”

“I will.
He has listed the truck, but that might take a while to sell.”

“I don’t care about that, whenever is fine.” I say
, glancing back towards the diner door. “Listen Jen, I should go, Liv is waiting for me.”

“Go then! What are you doing talking to me
?” She laughs. “Love you.”

“Love you too.” I smile as the line goes dead.
It’s all falling into place I think as I sit staring into space. Shit, Liv! I jump up and head in.

Both Liv and my sandwich are waiting when I get in and I order us two coffees before I sit in the seat opposite her.

“Sorry, I saw you were talking to Max and I didn’t want to intrude, so I called Jen.”

“How is she?”
she asks.

“She
’s great, she’s always great.” I smile. “She’s been really supportive, you know?” Liv nods, understanding.

My hunger has returned now that the mood has lightened and I take a bite of my sandwich as we sit together in comfortable silence. We have a lot of work to do, well, I do. But at last I feel like it will eventually be ok
ay. Who knows, maybe it will be better, especially if we take our time. I smile to myself as I chew. Liv speaks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Has someone sorted out what we are paying you?”
she asks, all business.

I frown, dropping my sandwich on my plate and my buoyant mood comes crashing down with it. I stare at her, hoping to find some sign that she is joking, but she isn’t. “I don’t want your money.” I
’m suddenly angry, offended.

“But if you
’re working here, which I’m assured you are, every single day, then you have to be paid for it like everyone else,” she says. She possibly doesn’t mean any malice but she sounds so cold. I’m left reeling.

“I’m not 'working here', I’m helping out and I’m not taking a cent for it.” I can’t believe this.

“But you need money, Danny, how are you living?” Her tone borders on concern, but I hardly notice in my fury.

“I’m fine.”

“What about your work, aren’t you supposed to be flat out with that right now?”

“I have time for both.”

“I can’t have you giving up your time for nothing.”

“It’s not for nothing Liv, why can’t you see that
?” My frustration gets the better of me as I raise my voice.

“But…”
she begins, but I cut her off.

“Forget it
, Liv, I’m not taking your money.” I grab my half-eaten sandwich on its plate and storm into the kitchen. I slam the remains of my food in the bin in frustration and crash around. I grip the edge of the counter and pause for a moment, breathless. I drop my head and breathe deeply. It’s going to be like this for a while I remind myself. I should expect disagreements and misunderstandings while we readjust our boundaries. I can’t fly off the handle if I want her to forgive me and let me back in. I stand up and straighten myself out, snapping myself out of my dark mood. She has just said she still loves me, this is not the time to lose it.

She still loves me…She still loves me…She still loves me…this is my mantra.

I make my way back to her, but my face falls when I find the booth empty. I rub my face. Fucking, stupid asshole! I kick myself for ruining it.

She still loves me…why am I ruining it?

I double back hoping to find her somewhere and slam straight into her, knocking her off her feet. My arms fly around her instantly and I catch her before she falls. I pause, breathing hard, our bodies pressed together and our faces so close. I’m holding every inch of her tight against me and the feeling is incredible. I could just lean forward a couple of inches and our lips would touch.

She still loves me…don’t push it.

I shake my head, not yet, I remind myself and gently stand her back up, releasing her once she is balanced. “Shit, sorry,” I murmur regaining my senses. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” I suddenly panic, scanning her up and down for some sign that I’ve caused her harm.

“I’m fine
,” she breathes.

“I didn’t know where you were.” I offer as a feeble explanation.

She gestures at the counter, where two coffees are sitting, waiting. “Everyone was busy, I made us coffee. Can’t carry them though.” She shrugs and passes me, returning to the booth. I grab them and follow her.

“You shouldn’t be doing that, get someone else to do it for you, it’s what you pay them for.” I
frown then smile a tight smile, realising the irony of my point.