Still Surviving (32 page)

“It’s done?” The question was a whispered prayer. “They found him, then? He’s in jail?” The lump in my throat grew as I tried to hold back the fear.

Seth brought his hand to my face. The heat of his skin against my bruises shouldn’t feel this good. Seth’s touch healed, it brought me back to life, each breath with him here made it easier to survive this. “He’s dead.”

My breath hitched making him jump. He hissed with pain and brought his palm down to his abdomen. “Are you hurt?” My heart started an unsteady climb. “W-why is he dead?” The air in the room wasn’t enough to fill my lungs and the dizzy feeling of claustrophobia began to close in.

“Breathe.” Seth’s lips met mine. The plush feel of his mouth calmed me. This was the most gentle he’d ever kissed me. I felt like thin blown glass as he kissed me with a reverential touch. Seth pulled from my lips and inhaled deeply. “After I knew you were okay, after you told us who… who hurt you… I couldn’t just sit here, Tiff. I couldn’t just let him get away with it. He needed to pay for what he did.” My hands started to shake. I didn’t care that Scott was dead; I didn’t care that he’d never see another dawn. I should care… but I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything other than fear for Seth.

“Did you make him pay?” The whispered question hovered in the tense air between us. I shuddered an exhale as Seth nodded.

“I wanted to kill him. I wanted to beat him into the ground. I needed to fucking own his blood, Tiff. My gun was still in the car after I’d gone to the firing range with Jeff… I’d made my choice the minute I saw you laying in your own blood. The man that had done that to you… would die.” He clenched his teeth again. “But, Todd and Soy showed up, and Sawyer told me that if I killed him… I killed us, and I couldn’t live without you, Tiff. In the end, I was a fucking coward. Being without you, not having you in my life, not seeing your face, or hearing your laugh, not being able to taste your lips or touch your skin — I had no choice but to back down. It’s you, Tiff. Every choice, it’s always going to be you.”

The salty water brimmed along my lashes. My hand linked with his again. My words escaped me as he used his free hand to lift the hem of his shirt. I scanned his body and panicked as the thick white bandage appeared from under his shirt. “Oh my God!”

“It’s okay, Angel. Don’t get upset. It’s nothing… I was turning to leave, Tiff, I was fucking leaving, and Scott charged me. He had a small pocketknife, and when the blade hit my skin, I pulled the trigger. I fucking shot him. I hadn’t even tried. It was just automatic. The bullet hit his liver, and he bled out into the snow.” Seth dipped his chin, his eyes cast down, no longer on mine. “He stabbed me… but I was lucky, it was more of a gash than a stab really. The cops were the worst part. Thank God my dad has good lawyers. The charges are mostly dropped. There were three eyewitnesses that saw him stab me first. Fortunately, one of the first cops on the scene saw it all go down. It should be okay, I think.”

Scott was dead
. But all I cared about was Seth. “Are you… are you okay?”

His stare flipped up to mine. “It’s weird. I wanted his blood, and I got it. I feel like I should be happy, or feel something, but I’m numb to it. All I care about is you. He can rot in the dirt as far as I’m concerned. God, I want to lie next to you right now. I’m so disconnected. I need to feel again, Tiff.” Seth’s weary eyes pleaded with me.

“Come on then.” I gradually started to ease myself to the other side of the bed.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’d never hurt me, Seth.” It was the truth. He basically threw himself on the blade for me. My IV was on the other arm, and he was able to lower his body down next to mine.

His eyes squinted with pain as he situated himself on his side. “Shit, that hurts.” He was almost nose-to-nose with me as he reached over me to hit the button that lowered the head of the bed. His smell pulled me in, and I instantly felt like I was at home. If I closed my eyes I could picture being with him in his bed, the morning light streaming across his face as he smiled at me. My eyes tired with sleep, drinking in his grin. The best way to wake up. “Why are you smiling like that? Does my discomfort amuse you?” He chuckled softly.

“No, it’s just nice to have you this close. I needed to feel again, too, Seth.”

His fingertips traced the line of my left brow. “I hate that this happened to you.” My eyes began to close at the soothing touch. “If I’d just let Rand take you home.”

My eyes popped open. “I can’t think like that. I can’t imagine ‘what-ifs.’ It’s not going to help either of us heal. You’re here now, and I’m scared. I’m terrified that the road from here on out will be hard. This isn’t something I’m going to just be able to sweep away. This time… I’m going to need help.”

“We’ll get you help. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. We’ll do this together.” He pushed my hair behind my right ear.

“What if your dad’s lawyers don’t work? You went after Scott… what if I lose you anyway?” I didn’t want to sound weak, but right now, with his eyes on me, his warm body aligned with mine, the thought this all could be taken away, horrified me.

“It will be all right, I know it will. He attacked
me.
He brutalized you…” Seth flinched. “Don’t worry about any of that shit. I’m not going any-fucking-where.” He brought his mouth to mine and kissed me again. This time he was showing me his strength, his love, his will to make it all better. When our lips parted, he searched my face. “We’ll heal from this shit, no matter what. He doesn’t win… agreed?”

I smiled against his lips. “Agreed.”

“
D
O YOU THINK SEEING
Anna during the assault was real? Do you think hearing Seth’s voice was my brain misfiring?” I asked. Julia, the therapist Elizabeth recommended, was sitting across from Seth and me.

“I think it’s possible it was a cognitive effort to escape the trauma you were experiencing. However, it could have been a spiritual thing as well. What do you think, Tiffany?” She picked up her pen, her smart, black-rimmed glasses dipped down on her nose as she scribbled quickly across the paper.

“I think she was there. I think she was showing me Seth, so I’d feel safe. I think I was supposed to die.” The truth of my words hit me like a ton of bricks. Two months ago I would have had a full-blown panic attack thinking about how close I’d come to death. But, Seth and I had been coming to therapy once a week since I’d left the hospital, and it was finally starting to help.

Seth gently squeezed my hand, his eyes wide as he looked at me. “Is that what you’ve been thinking?” He furrowed his brow when I nodded. “Why?”

I had to swallow the fear down. My lips trembled as I spoke. “Because I let her die, so it was my punishment. I thought dying like that was my penance for Anna.”

Seth brought his forehead to mine. “Tiff?” he questioned me with a sad whisper just low enough that I could hear.

“Is this how you still feel? Do you still feel guilty for Anna’s death?” Julia’s comforting tone pulled my attention away from Seth.

“Sometimes, but it’s getting better.” I smiled.

“Good.” She smiled brightly. “It’s going to take time. You both are doing really well, making good progress, don’t forget that.” The alarm on her nearby bookshelf buzzed that our session was over. “Next week, same time.” She reached over and switched off the loud alarm. Seth and I stood, hand in hand.

“Thanks, Julia. See you next week.”

The early April air was still chilly as we walked to Seth’s new Audi Q7. The sleek black paint and tinted windows made me laugh.

“What?” He smirked as he opened the door for me.

“You’re such a car snob.” My laugh warmed my cheeks.

“I like pretty things, and I’m not going to deny myself what I want.” He took my face between his palms and nipped my bottom lip. “Is that okay with you?”

I nodded sweetly before he kissed me again, this time his tongue soothed that lingering twinge along my lower lip. He quietly devoured my need, his right hand at the nape of my neck, his left, pulling my hip closer to his. He left me breathless as he let our lips linger, just barely touching. “You make me so fucking crazy.” The words vibrated down my spine.

“Good thing you’re in therapy.” I giggled at my bad joke.

“Get in the car, smart ass.” He laughed a short clipped huff as he shook his head and opened the door for me.

Seth and I were finally getting back to normal. The aggravated assault charges against him had been lowered to just a misdemeanor due to the fact it had been a “consensual altercation” and Scott’s death had been in self-defense. Seth’s lawyers made it so all he had to do was pay fines. Even though it had all seemed to work out and we had both physically healed pretty fast, Scott’s violence, his death, brought back all my old ghosts. It had permeated our lives. That night still haunted me, but each day I got better. Each day with Seth, each day I got to be normal, was another day I won back from
him
.

“You did good today.” Seth’s lips spread into his rare, full smile. The smile that touched his eyes and displayed his almost-dimple, beamed at me from across the center console.

“How do you mean?”

“You were one hundred percent honest with her this time. I’m glad you’re finally letting all that shit go. It’s the only way to move on.” He wrapped his hand around my thigh.

“I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to start fresh. I’m just… done,” I answered truthfully and exhaled a long breath. My heart felt light for the first time in weeks. The toxic past I harbored, I was tired of it poisoning my future.

“You really mean that?” Seth gave me a hopeful look. These past two months had been hard on him, too. We hadn’t had sex since that night. He was afraid to push me, and I was worried he could be right. Seth would never do anything I didn’t want, but I needed to heal at my own pace, and he willingly went without… for me. Not to mention he was starting to work through his own issues, too, and was slowly beginning to forgive his father and attempting to try and work toward forgiving his mother.

“I do.” I leaned across the console and placed a quick kiss on his cheek.

The SUV eased to a stop as we pulled into the driveway; the drive to his new place from Julia’s office was short. I loved this place. The old historic redbrick house was cottage style on the outside but had an amazing modern interior. The large front door had four small stained glass squares that ran horizontally across it. The ivy that grew along the walls of the house added to the homey feel of the place. Seth had finally started getting paid for the huge account he’d landed for his father’s company and was able to get a place of his own, and Todd and Seth were the proud owners of Blue Bar Music.

“Move in with me.” Seth’s eyes were filled with a vulnerable edge.

“Seriously?”

“Yes, I’m fucking serious. This house… this car… all of it… it’s ours, Tiff, whether you want to admit it or not.” He placed his thumb against my unsteady bottom lip — his mark, his token…
Seth
, I’d missed him. “This is what I want. I want you, in this house, in my bed, every day. I want to wake up every morning and lose myself inside you, show you how much I love you. I want breakfasts and dinners and showers… all that shit. I feel like I’m slowly dying. Every time I take you to your place, every time I drop you off, each time you deny yourself that physical need I feel pouring out of you… goddammit, Tiff, he wins.”

My heart thrummed inside my ribs like a hummingbird, making each breath difficult. “Yes.”

The rise and fall of his chest was deep. “Yes?” The corners of his mouth curved up into a triumphant grin.

“I want all of that with you, too. I’ve missed you… missed us.” My hands curled around his neck, my fingers dusting along his hairline. “I want to fall asleep with you, wake up with you… make a life with you.” I kissed the crook of his smile, and he captured my lips with his. His kiss was desperate, hungry, and his hand twisted in my hair. I pulled away and looked in his eyes. Seth’s gray-blue burned hotter than I’d ever seen it. My teeth pulled across my lip, and the nares of his nose flared and his jaw went rigid as he groaned. My fingernails dragging along his jean clad thigh. I pulled further away, my eyes now on his eager mouth. “Let’s go inside, Seth. Take me home.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Seth

H
ER SKIN WAS VELVET
under my starved fingertips. The puckered goose bumps erupted in a leisurely path along the decadent line of her hip. Our breath intermingled, her sweet scent pulling me toward the soft curve of her mouth. My eyes closed as she pressed her full lips against mine. I would have waited for her… I would have waited as long as she needed, but this kiss… it was painful, it was a slow dance, and I craved more.

She pulled away; her hazel eyes filled with unshed tears. “I never thought, Tiff, I never thought I could be so wrapped up in you, in us… in this whole thing.” The pad of my thumb dusted across her cheekbone, my mouth catching her tear.