Still Surviving (5 page)

CHAPTER FOUR

Tiffany

M
ASSIVE
A
TTACK
WAS PLAYING
softly from the shop’s iPod as Seth walked through the front door. My eyes had caught his while he was still outside and not once did we drop eye contact. My chest started to rise and fall with heavy precision. Seth looked amazing tonight. His deep brown hair fell just in line with his left brow line; the sides had recently been buzzed short. His artfully distressed blue jeans fit like they were tailored just for him. The navy blue V-neck sweater he wore pulled across his broad chest, emphasizing the muscle underneath. The dark color created shadows on his cheekbones, making him look even more chiseled. His features were angular, and the sight of his jaw did funny things to my lady parts. I couldn’t stop my smile from growing. My internal dialog was childish and it made me laugh.

The severe line of Seth’s lips broke into a megawatt smile. I secretly loved that I could get reactions out of him that no one else could. That smile, that real, gorgeous smile… that was all mine. “What’s so funny, Tiff?” Scott was oblivious to Seth’s arrival. We’d been chatting about how my last client wanted a tattoo on his wife’s pubic bone that said “Keep Out.” Men were ludicrous.

“Hey there.” Seth’s voice had this dark quality to it. It was sexy and menacing at the same time. Always the predator. “Who’s this fuck-nut?” Always the sarcastic asshole.

“Excuse me?” Scott stood from the stool he’d been perched on most of the night. I was starting to think he might like me. He watched me like a hawk. As much as it fed my starved ego, I wasn’t sure dating a coworker was a great plan. The immense muscles in Scott’s forearms and biceps flexed as he curled his hands into fists.
Shit.

“Whoa cavemen… Seth, this is Scott, he works here. Scott, this is Seth, a good friend of mine. Let’s put our penises away and play nice. Shall we?” I smirked. Seth’s gray-blue eyes sparkled with humor.

“Sure thing, Tiff.” Scott frowned as he walked back to his own station.

“What the hell, Seth? Trying to get me fired in my first month?” My tone was playful.

“No, but Sean—“

“Scott.”

“Whatever. The walking steroids ad was drooling all over you. I thought you needed my help.” Seth chuckled as he sat down on the padded table I used for my clients.

I shook my head and grinned. “Are we feeling emotion? This one is called jealousy.”

Seth’s smile dropped, his face as serious and flat as stone. “I don’t do jealous.”

Immediately I felt awkward. Sometimes I forgot that the reason Seth’s mom left was because she was screwing around with his dad’s best friend. “Sorry… I didn’t mean—“

“To play games? Isn’t that what all you girls do?” He stood, and the tendon in his jaw pulsed.

My temper flared. “I was being a smart ass, Seth. I don’t play games.” I inhaled a deep breath and let my eyes fall to the floor. “I’m sorry, I was just joking. I don’t want to fight. It seems like forever since we’ve spoken. I—“

“No… it’s all good. I’m being a dick. Maybe I just need to get—“

“If you say laid, I swear to God I’ll rip your nuts off.” I glared into his steel eyes. He snickered, and it made it hard for me to stay mad at him.

“You’re so feisty tonight. I was going to say I needed to get a tattoo. But maybe someone else needs to get laid?”

It was a gut reaction; I had no power to stop myself. I punched him in the gut, and he began to laugh harder than I’d ever seen him laugh. “You’re a horrible person.” The words were sputtered through my own laughter.

“She is finally figuring this out? I’m terrible, babe, and you know it.” His laughter died down and his smile softened. Seth reached out and moved a stray piece of my hair from my cheek. “I’m yours tonight, though, so you get to do whatever you want.” The touch of his thumb smoothed across my cheek as he placed the hair behind my ear.

My lips parted involuntarily and the lids of my eyes closed as I tried to reign myself in. The air around me was warm and thick with his cologne. His scent was so unique. It smelled almost like incense, but with an underlying note of soap, Seth, and spice. He smelled like dry leaves. Whenever he was close I thought of autumn, and it was difficult to concentrate. My eyes fluttered open. Seth was staring at me like he wanted the world. I’d do anything to give it to him. “What did you have in mind?” My tone wavered as I struggled to keep myself together.

“I’ve been thinking about getting a quote on my ribcage. Something to go along with the whole “Hell’s Gate” theme.

I let the breath I had been holding spill from my lips. He was talking tattoos?
Of course he was Tiffany, what did you think he was talking about?
I had dared to hope. “What quote?”

A shadow crossed Seth’s eyes. “’Hell is empty and all the devils are here.’”

His blue eyes followed me as I gathered the needed equipment to get started on his tattoo. “Hmm. Shakespeare… I love it. Let’s do it.”

“Yeah?”

I nodded. “I think it’s perfect for the Hell’s Gate theme, Seth, really.” I had no doubt there was more to his tattoos than a love for Rodin. Seth had more issues than anyone really knew about. I just hoped that someday… just maybe… he’d let me in. If Seth could trust me enough to show me his darkest… then maybe I could show him mine. Seth didn’t hold the market on skeletons… not by a long shot.

CHAPTER FIVE

Seth

T
HE SHOP WAS GETTING
ready to close as Tiffany finished rubbing an ointment into my skin. I tried to ignore the pleasure it gave me that
she
was the one to permanently mark me with her needle, to have her touch cause pain and yet sooth at the same time. It was a new sensation, and it wasn’t something I wanted to crave. Tiffany was already starting to occupy my thoughts more than I wanted.

“All done, I just have to clean up and then I’m heading home. You work in the morning?” she asked while I carefully pulled my sweater over my head to not disrupt the clear wrap over my ribs.

Tiffany was busy putting away her equipment, throwing out the used ink, placing the sharps into the designated bin; she didn’t notice how my eyes consumed every lithe move. Tiffany reminded me of a ballet dancer. When I first started going to Blue, I used to love watching her serve customers. She made slinging drinks look elegant.

“Yeah, I work. I actually have to be awake in five hours. Seven a.m. class.” I frowned and rolled my eyes.
Why the hell did I do this to myself?

She surprised me by laughing. “You’re crazy, you should be at home… sleeping.”

“It’s hard to sleep when your roommate and his girlfriend screw like bunnies.”

She giggled quietly. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s loud. I told Todd to tone that shit down, and he just looked at me like I was joking. I need my own place.” The scowl on my face must have been comical because Tiff attempted to suppress a giggle by biting her full bottom lip. She gave me a stunning, lopsided grin as she finished her cleanup. My pulse skipped; fuck, she was sexy.

The white sweater she had on was just short enough it exposed a slice of her stomach. When she lifted her arms you could see the feminine black patterns and scrolls she had tattooed across her flat stomach. She was so tiny. But even though she was skinny, I could tell she was still soft. Somewhere in the recesses of my thoughts I was dying to touch her.

Her breasts were small and perky, something I didn’t ever think I would want. But I enjoyed the notion that they would be just enough to fit in my mouth. She had a gentle curve to her hips, and her ass… well, that was flawless. My favorite thing about her was the lack of excess. Tiff was naturally pretty. She wore minimal make up, and her hair was her own color. One could argue that all her tats and piercings detracted from her beauty, but I saw it differently. Tiffany’s beauty hadn’t been diminished by the permanent artwork she had placed within her skin. If anything, it made her more attractive because she wore her soul on her sleeve. Literally.

I wanted to know what all these pictures on her flesh meant. I wanted to know the story behind each piece. I exhaled loudly. My infatuation with this woman was out of control.

“What’s up? You don’t have to wait for me you know. You can leave.” She laughed with annoyance.

“I want to wait for you.” Besides, that guy Scott was waiting for her, too, and that shit wasn’t going to happen. It was somewhat a jealous thing. I was mature enough to admit that. But, there was something off about him, something that set me on edge. The way Scott watched her made me nervous. He wanted to own her; his oversized body matched his oversized hunger to dominate. There was no doubt in my mind this guy would attempt to stake his claim on Tiffany.

“Really, though, I have another forty-five minutes. I need to clean the stations. It’s my night to close, and Scott has to show me how to count the till down.”

Well, damn.
“I could—“

“Tiff, you about done here? I’d like to leave on time.” Scott spoke from behind me. His tone was chastising, and I wanted to punch him for talking to her like that.

“Yup, just finished,” she said cheerfully. Tiff didn’t let it shake her. “Seth, I’ll text you. Make sure you keep that ointment on for three days, then lotion.” Tiffany gave me a private smile before I turned to face the douchebag behind me.

Scott’s eyes were narrowed as he glared at me. “Later.” He dismissed me with a nod of his chin. That motherfucker. “Hey, babe, you have Monday nights off, right?”

Tiffany’s cheeks turned pink, and my chest filled with warmth. I did that. I created that heat beneath her skin and that extra beat in her pulse. She swallowed and I knew that she was feeling me everywhere, feeling my eyes on her. “Um, yeah. Why?” Her brow furrowed. I felt a twinge of something uncomfortable constrict in my stomach.
Guilt.
I was using her to piss off Scott.

“Let’s hang out. I want you to sketch out my next piece. Sound good?” The proud grin on her lips made me smile bigger than I should have.

“Sure, that would be fantastic. Text me when your done with work.” She grabbed a bottle of cleaner and began to wipe down the table.

“Thanks for this.” I pointed to my ribcage where the quote was still burning its way permanently into my skin. “See you tomorrow.” I chanced one more look and caught her staring at me from under her lashes. Her smile was shy as she nodded.

As I turned to leave, my smile was smug. The look on Scott’s face was priceless.
That’s right, shithead.
He clenched his jaw, and my smile fell. Tiffany’s innocent smile flashed behind my eyes again as I left. I was a piece of shit. I made her think tomorrow was more than it really was just to prove my dick was bigger than his.

The night sky had cleared and filled with stars, stars that were too bright. The light from such a miraculous thing was wasted on me as I walked out of the tattoo shop. My intentions were always so selfish… but for once my actions could hurt someone I cared about, and I felt worthless. I’ve felt a lot of shit in my life. Guilt was not something that sat well in my gut. The copper taste in my mouth startled me, and I had to breathe deeply through my nose to wash away the nausea.

I heard Tiffany laugh, and I turned to see her and Scott smiling at each other. Another wave of nausea filled my mouth with metal tinged saliva.
What was I doing?
I promised myself I’d stay in her wake. I’d be the shadow to her light. But it was as if she was clawing away at my defenses, she was embedding herself within my skin. She was a living-breathing phantom. The sound of her voice haunted me. “
I’ll pretend that your mouth doesn’t set me on fire.”

She wasn’t the only one who had to pretend. I had to pretend that every time I came I wasn’t imagining her lips wrapped around me, that it wasn’t her body I was buried in, that it wasn’t her voice that called out my name. I had to pretend that the thought of Scott’s hands on her, coaxing her lips with his didn’t make me crazy. I had to pretend the idea of him claiming her with his touch and spreading his seed within her didn’t make me want to fucking puke. I could pretend, too… it was the only way I could breathe and the only way I was able to get in my car and drive away.

CHAPTER SIX

Tiffany

T
HE AGGRAVATING TIN SOUND
of my phone alarm blared. I groaned as I rolled over and almost threw it against the wall. My thumb silenced the annoying noise, and I smiled a triumphant smile. Tiffany: one, iPhone: Zero. This day was blessed. My eyes caught the time on my nightstand clock and I jumped up. How was it already two in the afternoon? I scowled at my phone. I must have hit the snooze more than once. The blackout shades in my room worked too well.

“Shit.”

I rolled unceremoniously out of bed and headed to the shower. My reflection in the mirror above the sink caught my attention. My hair laid flat on one side of my head and the other side was ratted. The circles under my eyes were stark against the pallor of my skin. I puffed out an angry breath. My appearance offended me on the daily. My hazel eyes, which were more green than hazel, narrowed as my image burned into the glass. All the tattoos in the world couldn’t cover my history, couldn’t hide the pieces of me that had rotted away over the years.

I lifted my nightshirt over my head and removed my underwear. I was naked, and the sight of all the swirling black ink across my stomach and around my ribcage made me smile. With each piece I disappeared just a bit more; with each dig of the needle into my skin, the old scars were replaced with beautiful ones. I let my thumb trace the white raised flesh on my forearm. My eyes closed as I tried to forget the release I used to feel when I pulled the blade across my skin. Cutting myself slowly, every day for years to feel something other than disgust, regret… shame.