Still Surviving (6 page)

The lump in my throat grew, and I swallowed it down. The tears wouldn’t come today. Not today… today was mine… today was a fresh start. I stepped into the shower and started my daily routine. I ignored the small detail that today wasn’t different from any other day. Each check mark on the calendar was going to be my “bright new future.” But, the fact that I let my sister die that day so long ago, the fact that my parents still couldn’t forgive me… well, that wasn’t something that faded to the background. Sins like that stayed. Sins like that festered. The blood never washed from my hands.

I vigorously scrubbed my skin, the pale color now pink from the heat of the water and the aggressive pressure I applied. The tears fell as they always did. The first part of my day was always the hardest. Being alone, left to my own devices, I’d begin to sink. But then I’d remember her, Anna. My little sister. I used to call her Sissy.

It was hot that day. The bright blue Utah sky was empty of any clouds. My parents asked me to watch Sissy. I was angry because my boyfriend Colton was going to take me to Pineview Reservoir to swim. My little sister was the last person I wanted to be stuck with. She was five years old and I was seventeen. My parents got knocked up with me at a young age. Their inability to use protection made me their burden. I’d been on the pill since I was thirteen; my mother’s way of making sure history didn’t repeat itself.

Anna had been planned. She was their favorite, and I could see why. She was so easy to love. She was good at everything, smart, beautiful, and to make it even more unfair… she was sweet. She was the kindest little thing you’d ever meet. She’d never cry or whine. She was always pleasant. Her laugh still haunts me.

Anna’s giggle tinkled as she ran up the stairs. “Tiffany, let’s go swimming!” she shouted.

I sent a quick text to Colton telling him Pineview was out.

Me
: Stuck babysitting, want to come swim here?

“Tiffany.” Anna was out of breath. “Can we go swimming? Please?” She batted her eyelashes at me, and I laughed.

“Sure, Sissy. Go get your swimsuit on. I’ll be ready in a minute. Colt might come, too. But don’t tell Mom or Dad, okay?” I winked at her.

“Yay. I won’t” She ran out of my room like a freight train, slamming the door behind her.

My phone chirped.

Colton:
Be over in a few.

Colton was four years older than me. He was in college and was able to buy beer, which made him the best boyfriend ever. Sure he was a jerk sometimes, maybe a little rougher than I would prefer when we were together, but he loved me and he was my first. I didn’t have anything to compare it to. My parents didn’t like him at all. They said he was too old for me, that I needed to concentrate on school, on cheering, and on getting into a good college. I was quick to remind them that they had me when they were sixteen so they had no room to talk.

Besides, cheering was getting old. I hated those “mean” girls. That whole scene wasn’t me. I did it for my mom. She wanted me to be something I wasn’t. I loved art and wanted to go to this fantastic art school in San Francisco, but my parents shot that idea down into the dust. Mr. and Mrs. Webster wanted their daughter to attend the University of Utah, get a degree in something useless, get married, and make babies. The typical Utah culture… I wanted more; I needed to free myself from this cage.

I quickly slipped on my bright yellow bikini. The vibrant color stood out against my alabaster skin. I heard Anna stomping down the stairs and I hurried, pulling my long black hair up into a messy bun. Opening my bedroom door I called out to her, “Wait for me, Sis.” She was just learning to swim, and I didn’t want her to go into the pool without me.

“Hurry Tiff!” she squealed, making me giggle. She was squirming by the sliding glass door. All the energy she had was too much to contain in such a little person. She was so full of life.

My phone chimed and vibrated against the bathroom sink. The memory of my sister smiling, giggling, and so full of happiness hung heavy in my mind. The steam of the shower gone, the cool water felt like knives against my skin. I turned the water off and stepped out, grabbing my towel. I wiped the water and tears from my face.

My phone vibrated again as I picked it up. Seth’s sarcastic grin smiled at me from my phone, already making my crappy day better. The picture made me laugh every time. We’d been at the bar, and I made fun of some chick that had failed miserably at earning his consideration. He always let me push his buttons. He had said, “You better take a snap of this moment. Never again will you see Seth turn down a piece of ass for Todd’s sorry bullshit.” Seth had decided to turn the girl down because he was still helping Todd through his break up with Lily. So I did. I took a picture and it was my favorite. Not because he was beautiful, or that the smile was sexy as hell, but because he cared enough about Todd, his friend, to make the right choice. This gave me hope. Hope was something that was delivered in limited quantities these days.

Seth:
Let’s get wasted tonight?

Seth:
We’ll get naked and have a giant orgy with Todd and Lily?

Seth:
Seriously, this day can fuck off.

I shook my head.

Me:
Did someone have a bad day?

Walking into the bedroom, I threw my phone on the bed. I grabbed my blue jeans and my favorite worn T-shirt that said “Fuck the Suburbs” across the front. The shirt had been a gift from Todd for my birthday two years ago. He said it fit my “personality.” Todd always gave the best presents. One of the many reasons I loved that guy.

After I blew out my hair and straightened it until it was perfectly sleek, I brushed on some lip-gloss and mascara. My phone alerted again and my heart began to run laps.

Seth:
You have no idea. I just want to get drunk and hang with my favorite gnome.

Funny. I frowned. I hated that he called me gnome; they were little, yes, but they were generally ugly.

Me:
STOP calling me GNOME

Seth’s text was immediate.

Seth:
Noted… no gnome or small people references in general.

Me
:  You’re forgiven sunshine…

Seth
: Are we going to get shit faced or not? I have liquor bottles to empty.

Me:
Meet at Blue? How about seven?

Seth:
See you then. Bring your sketchpad.

Putting my art, my soul, into Seth’s skin was the greatest feeling in the world. Seth and I were like magnets. At times his pull was irresistible and it didn’t matter what was between us, we’d connect. He’d find me just when I needed him most. It was like every time he walked into the bar, texted, or just recently, came to see me at the shop, it was because he was drawn there. As if there was no way he could have stayed away, the chips fell into place and he was there. Strong and beautiful, smiling and making my world turn upside down.

Then… then there were times our magnets flipped and there was nothing we could do to click together. Our pasts, our inability to let go of fear — his light would blow out, and my heart would turn black — and it was impossible to break through that force that separated him from me. That invisible force that kept us from possibly the greatest love we’d ever have. How could I not be meant for him? How could two people with so much pain, so much hurt and broken faith, not pour themselves into the other. Creating one perfect mold. One spectacular sculpture.

I wanted Seth more than anything. I wanted him to trust me, to let me be his. My eyes stared back at me from the dresser mirror. It was then I realized why we’d never work. My thumb found its way to the familiar patch of skin ruined by the razor blade of my past. My sister’s whispered giggle flashed across my mind, her smile dimmed, and her hazel eyes paled.

He was more than I ever could hope for; he was more than I ever deserved.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Seth

“D
ID YOU FINISH LOOKING
at the Heathman portfolio, son?” my father’s voice, powerful and commanding, came through my office intercom on my desk phone.

I picked up the phone. “Yeah, it looks promising. Are you sure you want me to handle it? I’m trying to pick up more hours at the U.” This day had been so long. My morning classes were rough considering how late I’d finally gotten to bed last night. My workdays consisted of mornings at the University and afternoons at my other job, working for my father helping rich people get richer.

“Can you afford that, Seth? You had to dip into your trust remember. Your court fines, attorney fees, you’re lucky not to be in jail after assaulting that young man.”

“He fucking deserved it, Dad.” I was incredulous.

“Watch your mouth.” He exhaled harshly into the speaker. “Listen, I’m sorry, it’s been a long day. The AmeritechCom stock crashed today, and some very important clients lost a lot of money. We’ve been busting our asses to get their money moved and back in order.” He took a deep breath. “You’re damn good at this job, Seth. I know you love music, I know… but I need you… at least for a bit longer.”

My throat felt tight. My father’s life had been hard after my mother left, after she ran off with his business partner. My mom had apparently been screwing Clay for years; meanwhile Clay was lining his pockets with company money. The company went broke, and my mother and her boyfriend went missing. They were probably living the high life somewhere overseas now.

“You know I’m always here for you, Dad. I just… I need my own life.” I stayed here at Montgomery and Simmons for him. Everything I ever did was for him. It was just me, my brother Jeff, and my dad. After she left, all we had was each other. The line was quiet. “Dad?” There was nothing, and then I heard the phone click off.
He hung up on me?
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. This day couldn’t get any worse. A soft knock on my office door startled me.

“Come in.”

The door opened and my father loomed in the doorway. When my father walked into a room he demanded attention, he was all-powerful. Even now in his early sixties, the man was a machine. Six foot three, broad as fuck, and charming as hell. This was what brought him back to life after my mother abandoned him. He had broken down, lost his will, but only for a while. We were dirt poor, but he’d kept two expensive suits, ran every day, worked out lifting gallon milk jugs full of water. He kept his powerful presence and built himself, and this company, back from nothing. I could only hope to ever hold as much willpower, such control over my own destiny as this man.

“Son… you have your
own
life.” He shut the door behind him as he walked into the office. “You just need to be responsible, your future depends on it. You’re twenty-seven years old, you have a degree, and you want to squander it away to be a music teacher? I just don’t get it. Our clients love you. You’re young, fresh. The younger money, the new money clients… they trust you. Just give it a thought.” His light gray eyes pierced mine.

“Sure thing, Dad.” I stood and grabbed my car keys from the desk. As far as I was concerned, I’d made my choice. I just had to slowly extricate myself from this life, this corporate money hole. I loved my father, but I wasn’t going to end up like him. I respected his choices, but all it ever got him was a slut wife, struggle after struggle, and a life of loneliness. King of an empty castle.

I was confused on lots of things when it came to what I wanted for my future, but music… it was part of my soul. I could handle being alone. Hell, I knew what a joke marriage was, but I wasn’t blind. I saw how unhappy my father was; he craved that partnership. He needed to be loved. The thought of needing another person to breathe scared the shit out of me. So yeah, I’d “squander” away my degree to do something I loved even if it meant I was poor and alone for the rest of my life.

Money never brought my dad happiness, money only brought more burden… more need… more greed.

“I’m serious, Seth. This Heathman Portfolio could be the one for you. The one to make you millions.” He smiled at me with pride.

My father expected too much from me.

I splashed on my perfect businessman smile. “Let me sleep on it.”

He nodded and took my hand in his. His firm grip stabbed me in the gut. He was treating me like a customer, and it made me sick. “I’ll expect an answer by the end of the week.” He patted me on the back, and my posture stiffened. He knew what I truly wanted, but what he wanted was more important.

After I got home, I opted out of my white button up for a shower and something more casual. I was now sitting on a very uncomfortable stool at Blue Bar awaiting Tiff’s arrival. Lily was keeping me well stocked in whiskey so I couldn’t complain. The staff at Blue had changed a lot over the past few months. Thank God Lily was working tonight; I couldn’t stomach the young college kids that Frank had hired. One of the girls, Michelle was her name, was in my Intro to Music Theory class, and I was sure she had a crush on me. Usually I’d be all over it, but the younger they were the more drama, and I would never fuck a student.

Lily placed another glass of Jameson in front of me with a shot next to it. I threw back the amber liquid and relished in the burn as it coated my throat.