Still Water (26 page)

"Hey." Todd grasped my chin in between his thumb and forefinger, his intense brown eyes found mine. "Don't be sorry… never be sorry for how you feel about her. That woman left you, made you think you were worthless. That's not okay with me. You don't get to be sorry for her actions. It makes me crazy that she's got you this upset. I really don't think you should go home. Stay with me. Come home with me."

"No." Every nerve ending in my body rebelled at the word. "I can't… I need to face her, just like you need to go face your future. I can do this… let me do this." My voice shook, the swelling in my throat made it hard to speak.

He gave me a curt nod.

"I'm just sorry I can't go with you today, be there for you like I wanted to."

"I'll be okay. It's you I'm worried about." Todd placed a chaste kiss on my cheek. "Let's get off the side of the road before we get hit by a semi-truck." Todd gripped my hips with his hand and lifted me into his truck. I'd never get used to how easily Todd could pick me up. The door shut and I started to feel ill again, so I forced myself to take deep breaths in and out, to get myself under control before he opened the driver's side door. I couldn't shake the notion that I was letting him down.

I unlocked my phone and typed out a short text to Eve.

Me:
On my way.

Ten minutes later Todd's truck was idling in my sister's driveway. An unfamiliar black car was parked in front of us.

"Let me at least come in with you," he pleaded.

I gave him a small nervous smile. "You're running late as it is. I'm fine…" He frowned and looked at me with skeptical eyes. "Really. You have more important things to worry about than me, than this."

The crease in his brow deepened. "You're important to me, Lily. So this shit show you are about to walk in on has me on edge."

"Exactly, that's why you need to go home, get showered, and go see Molly. Text me when you're on your way home, and I'll meet you at your place. Sound good?"

"Yeah, sounds good." The tone of his voice implied that it didn't sound good at all. I reached across the console and kissed him on his cheek; my mouth tasted like death, and I regretted not having gum because I needed nothing more than to kiss him right now, to feel his ownership, to feel his love for me.

Todd rested his nose in the crook of my neck, the sensation of his breath against my skin caused goose bumps to form down my arms and back. "I want to kiss you so bad right now. I figured you wouldn't want me to, but I just thought you should know." His lips pressed against the spot below my ear, and I heard him inhale. He spoke, his lips brushing against my skin. "You call me immediately if anything goes wrong. You need me… I'm here."

I leaned my cheek against his and smiled. We were always desperate to be linked in some way, but his touch… this touch was enough.

"Just text me when you're done, sweetheart." My fingers pulled the latch on the door, and I gave him a kiss on the cheek before I jumped out. The dread that flashed through Todd's eyes as I shut the door almost made my mask fall. He couldn't see me freak out again, I wouldn't let him. Todd didn't pull away until I was inside the house. I watched through the sidelight window as he drove away. I heard Christopher giggle and a loud, throaty laugh that belonged to an older woman echoed through the house; the sound was so unfamiliar. What did I have to be afraid of? She was a stranger, a nobody, a figment of my imagination.

"Lil, is that you?" Eve's voice called from the kitchen.

I hung my purse on the hook by the door. "Yeah, it's me."

"Lily?"

A medium sized woman with bright red curls stared at me.
That could be me in twenty years… that could be me
. A wash of sadness coursed through my body at the thought of my father having to look at me every day, having to see her in me. It must have killed him slowly.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Todd

T
HE
GPS
ON MY PHONE INDICATED
I had reached my destination as the wheels of my truck came to a stop in front of an older home. Emma's house was on the small side; the red brick and white trim fit the old architecture of the area. She lived in the historic district of Ogden. I'd always loved the houses here, it felt quaint, and I was glad Molly had such a nice place to live. The engine in my 4Runner cut off as I turned the keys with shaky hands. I rubbed my palms down my pants to try and ease my nerves. My head was so jacked up right now. Lily was probably in the thick of it with her family, my worry for her didn't help my growing panic. I was about to meet my child, the little girl I didn't know I had, the little girl I was a stranger too. The irony of two daughters meeting their absentee parents on the same day was not lost on me. However, I wasn't going to miss one more damn day.

The walk up the drive was short; I closed my eyes and took one last inhale before I rang the doorbell. I heard a high-pitched squeal, rapid footsteps, and Emma's voice as it rang through the door.

"Give me a second, honey. Let mommy see who it is first, okay?" Emma's laugh was light as the heavy wood door opened. The smile on her face radiated, her thick hair was pulled into a messy knot on the top of her head, her black-rimmed glasses she only wore when she was home sat on her nose, and all the memories of her surfaced in one big wave making it hard to catch my breath. "Well hello. Come on in. She's expecting you."

"She is? Does she know who I am?" I asked nervously as I stepped through the threshold of the house. I thought I should have said
"hi"
or
"how's it going,"
but I wasn't sure how a guy was supposed to act the first time he met his kid.

Emma's smile fell as she whispered¸ "For today I just said mommy was having a friend over. This is scary for me, too, Todd. I'm glad you're here, but I'm terrified. Everything I've built for us could fall apart. Just… just—"

She didn't get to finish because a blur of blonde came running headfirst around the corner of the foyer. The mass of curls came to a dead stop when she saw me. She was wearing a yellow dress with white polka dots, and her cheeks were flushed from running. My pulse started to pound through my entire body, my throat constricted, and my breathing became shallow and rapid as I tried to comprehend the amount of love that filled my heart. My notrils flared as I attempted to hold back my emotion, and my hands started to tremble as I watched her shyly approach.

"I Lolly." Her little voice broke me — my legs buckled, and I dropped to my knees. The weight of so much loss, of so much gained… I couldn't bare it. "He cry, ma-ma?" The salt water spilled down my cheeks, and my heart split open as Molly looked at me with worry.

I wiped the tears from my eyes. "Lolly?"

"She had a hard time with the letter 'M' for a while, still does from time to time." Emma's speech was strained.

The corners of my lips turned up in a grin. "Well, Lolly, I'm just happy to meet you, baby girl." Her big brown eyes met mine, and she smiled, a dimple formed in her full cheek. She was me; she was my blood, my bones… my soul. I looked up at Emma, the tears streamed down her face, and she gave me a sad smile.

"I two." She held up one finger, and I barked out a laugh.

"Wow. You're such a big girl."

She nodded and took two more steps; she placed her tiny hand on my arm. The touch sparked through veins and another few tears escaped my eyes. Molly's fingers traced the artwork on my arm. "Dis pweety." The smell of lavender and baby powder saturated the air. Molly's scent encircled me, the immediate feeling of home swept over my body. This was exactly where I should have been, and it was where I belonged.

"Thank you." The urge to push her hair behind her ear overtook me, and I lightly tugged on a loose curl. "I think you're the prettiest girl I've ever met, even prettier than your mom." Molly's smile widened, both of her dimples formed inside her cheeks, as she moved hastily toward me. Her small arms wrapped around my neck, and at first I was shocked still, until I heard Emma chuckle behind me.

"She's very lovey." Emma gave me a knowing look.

My arms pulled her snug against my chest; she was so little I was afraid I'd break her. I easily lifted her up and stood. She sat on my hip and was cradled safely in the crease of my arm. She ran the palms of her hands across my short beard and scrunched her nose up, her eyebrows dipped with a disapproving look.

"Guck." Molly wiggled her fingers in an attempt to rid the rough feeling of my facial hair from her hands. She was the cutest damn thing, and I couldn't restrain myself from laughing.

"Guess she doesn't dig the beard." I grinned.

"I guess not. Should we have dinner then?" Emma asked as her fingertips swiped at the tears under her eyes.

"Lead the way." I motioned Emma forward with my free arm. Emma laid her hand on my shoulder and squeezed. The look she gave me told me I had done well.

"Follow me." She smiled brightly.

Molly pushed at my chest. "Down."

She practically jumped from my arms, and I was expecting her to take off running like a toddler would, but instead she took my large hand in hers. The whole world fell silent the instant I felt my daughter's hand in mine. This connection was greater than anything I'd ever experienced. For a moment, I felt like I had been this fraudulent human, just getting by. I was a shell of who I could have been, but in her I saw my true potential. I would be a better man for her, for my family. In her, I finally found the real meaning of unconditional love. In that exact moment, when her little fingers attempted to lace with mine, it was as if this was the first time my heart truly started beating.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Lily

"
P
AM?"
T
HE SOUND OF HER NAME
on my lips felt wrong. My so-called mother ran her fingers through her hair and actually smiled at me. The large grin pissed me off, and my next words came out in an angry rush. "Why are you here?"

"Well!" Her hand darted to her chest as if injured. Her southern drawl was unmistakable even in just the one word. She spoke with such astonishment as if I had no right to be rude, as if I had no right to hate her. "I'm here to see my daughter and grandson. I didn't realize you were staying with Evy until I got here."

Pam's statement confirmed to me she never thought of me as her daughter — the hammer inside my sternum split me open, the cracks almost visible, and the pain I tried urgently to hide started to seep into my system. The fury started to well in my eyes, the burn of the salt water was almost too much to handle. Why hadn't I just gone with Todd? I didn't need this crap. In the end though, I never considered her a parent. When you leave your little girl behind, you lose that privilege. For her, it seemed, I was never something she held in high regard. I was just a burden from her past.

"I won't be here long. Just grabbing my things." I cleared the stone from my throat. It sliced its way down, making it almost impossible to keep myself whole.

"Lil?" Eve. The sound of her footsteps grew louder as she walked across the family room. My body was stiff; I hadn't moved from my position by the front door. "Hey, I just finished dinner, you staying?" She held Christopher in her arms, her eyes widened and silently pleaded for me to stay.

"Probably not, I'm staying with Todd tonight." The resonance of my voice fell flat.

Eve's shoulders drooped, and she met my eyes with disproval. "Please." She mouthed the word inaudibly; the private exchange had my guilt levels at an all-time high. I shouldn't leave her to fend for herself either. Eve hadn't seen her mother in five years, and she was probably feeling just as lost as I was.

Pam already looked bored with the conversation, as she picked at her nails without real interest. This small minute, while I watched her total indifference to me, solidified my decision. Pam, my
mother,
wasn't worth it. Not one more portion of my heart would wish for her to want me ever again. I was nothing to her. I exhaled sharply. "Nah, Eve, I think I'm going to head out…" An almost imperceptible flash of sadness crossed Eve's eyes. "…we booked the studio super early so—"

"Oh! " Eve's voice was loud and made me jump. "Speaking of music, you got mail today, from some music school. It's over there on the coffee table." Music school? She must be confused. "Anyway Lily, I really wish you could stay. I'm sure mom would love to catch up." As soon as she said it, Eve realized she had said the wrong thing and regret was written across her face. "I mean… I just mean—"

"Evy, its fine. I don't need to play catch up. I know where I stand with this one." Pam blew out a puff of annoyed air and shook her head.

For a split second, I thought I was going crazy. Did she blame this on me? My temper flared. "
Are you freaking kidding me right now
?"

"Lily. Calm down." Eve was horrified.

"No way… how the hell do you get off talking to me like I'm some piece of crap? You…
you
abandoned me when I was three-years-old. You left
me.
" The hostility boiled in my blood. My whole life I always felt just inadequate enough to hate myself — if my own mother didn't want me, then what good was I. Over the years, I'd healed from the wounds left behind by my run-away mother, but today it was like she was cutting me open all over again.

"Abandoned you?" Pam laughed without humor. "Danny, mister perfect, threw me out, wouldn't let me see you."

The throbbing in my chest grew when she spoke of my father. The pressure built and my head felt fuzzy. "Don't even speak his name
. You
cheated on him,
you
screwed him over. He lived alone, dedicated himself to
me
… you were just too selfish to care. You had a new family, your
daughter
Eve, so you didn't give two shits about us. Don't try to pin this on him. You had every chance to see me, to get to know me, but you didn't, damn it." My hands were curled into tight little fists, and my breathing was ragged as I tried to calm my rage.