Stolen Innocence (5 page)

I had a sleepover with Emily this weekend and I asked her if I could tell her a secret if she promised not to tell anyone. I finally told her and she was shocked. She was disgusted especially since she knows Brian. All night she tried convincing me to tell my parents, but I told her I couldn't and if I did no one would believe me. She is the only person who knows what Brian is doing and I trust her not to tell anyone.

Last week my Aunt Mary stopped me after school and asked if I could watch the boys. Like usual I agreed to come over. For some reason I have a hard time saying no to my aunt. I don't know why I just feel bad saying no to her. The boys were in the basement while I was upstairs reading a magazine when I heard someone coming in from the laundry room. Brian appeared from the corner and came into the family room where I was sitting. I tried to stay clam, but Brian could see straight through me and saw the fear in my eyes. I tried to start a conversation with him. Then I saw a bunch of kids from my grade running laps for track outside Brian's house. I realized I forgot I had track practice after school. It isn't mandatory, but I would much rather be there than sitting next to Brian. I asked Brian if he could watch the boys because I was suppose to be out there with the rest of the team. Brian told me I could miss one practice without getting in trouble. I didn't know how to respond to him without upsetting him so I told him my coach would be upset with me for not coming to practice. It was the only thing I could think to say. Brian put his hands on my shoulders as I watched from the window as my classmates ran by. He then slowly started to slip his hands down the back of my pants. While fondling me he continued to talk to me like nothing was going on which confused me even more. When we heard Mike coming in the house Brian stopped and went into the kitchen to get something to eat. My Aunt Mary arrived soon after which is when I left. I just don't know how much more I can take. I am sick of living with this secret. I can't stand going through this. Will it ever stop? Why is he doing this to me? I don't get it!

We were invited over for dinner tonight at my Aunt Mary and Uncle Scott's house. After dinner the adults played cards like usual and all the cousins were off playing Nintendo in the basement or watching T.V. I was in the basement with my younger cousins playing in the dark with the lights off. I was under a blanket trying to scare them. We didn't play long because Jake got scared and went upstairs. I continued to play with my sister Allie and cousin David. I felt safe since I knew Brian wasn't home all evening. Suddenly I felt someone hovering over me, but much heavier then David or Allie. Immediately I knew it was Brian. I didn't say a word. Instead I lay on carpeted floors as Brian crawled under. The darkness made it impossible to see him, but the touch of his cold hands rubbing my chest made it clear who it was. He eventually began moving his hands in a slow motion up my chest and down towards my belly button, his other hand grabbing my butt. For some reason my body froze and I didn't fight him off. Once he got off my motionless body I went upstairs and nagged my parents to go home. After trying to convince them for thirty minutes, we finally left. I climbed in bed and cried into my pillow. Feeling so disgusted. I want to go crawl in bed with one of my sisters to feel safe. He lives so close I fear he'll walk over in the middle of the night and come in the house without anyone knowing.

I took my dog on a long walk today. I love my dog so much. Whenever I look into his big brown eyes I sense that he understands my pain. It is almost like he knows what I am going through. I know it sounds crazy, but in a way it is comforting to think that. This year has been tough so far. I have so many things going on in my life. My eyes are continuing to get worse and the doctors are planning a date for surgery. I'm also struggling to do well in school. I do terrible on tests. No matter how hard I study it doesn't show. I continue to struggle in math, so my teacher recommends a tutor to come to my house weekly. She will just work with me on math skills and prepare me for tests. Speaking of math I have math homework to finish so I better end this entry.

I'm rocking back and forth. I am so afraid to go to sleep because all I do is have nightmares of Brian on top of me. It is after one in the morning and I have school tomorrow. Today Brian touched me again. Allie and I were over at Brian's house playing in the basement with the younger boys. Brian came down with a friend and began playing tickle monster. He goes under a blanket and with all the lights off trying to find us and tickle us. Well, I knew what he was planning on doing so I got in the corner of the basement and stayed as quiet as I could hoping he wouldn't find me. My plan was to get upstairs without Brian seeing me, but it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. Brian stopped me before I got to the stairs and pulled me under the blankets and began touching me. I was able to free myself and run to the couch. He then went after his brother trying not to draw so much attention to me. Within a few minutes though he was back on top of me under the blankets. This time I was lying on the couch. There was nothing I could do so I buried my head in the cushions and prayed he'd get off me. I heard my sister and the younger boys run upstairs where Brian's friend was. I didn't understand why they were leaving. I screamed for them to save me, but they thought I was just having fun. They all really didn't know what was happening under the blankets. If only they knew. Brian's hands started to move rapidly all over my chest, at times reaching down and grabbing my butt. Eventually he'd get one of his hands down my pants and gently rub my vagina while breathing heavily into my ear. Brian finally let me go after about fifteen minutes of not saying anything. All I did was hide my head from looking him in the face. He looks like a crazy man on a mission when he is abusing me. I'm afraid of the dark at night because all I see are images of Brian coming towards me. I have to leave my bedroom door open and a night-light on at night just to fall asleep. I just wish it would all end. I need to try and get some sleep since I have school tomorrow and an eye doctor appointment. God hold me tonight. Keep me safe. Please protect me from my cousin.

Emily spent the night last night. We went to the mall all day today. I'm trying to avoid babysitting for my Aunt Mary. It seems no matter how hard I try to stay away from Brian he always seems to appear. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up and I can't even get excited. All the holidays mean to me are another day trying to avoid Brian. Well Chance is crying to be walked so I better go walk him.

It is Thanksgiving night and it happened again. I can't stop crying tonight. Everyone is asleep in my house on a full belly of turkey except me. Things were going good tonight, I had turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and my mom's yummy pumpkin pie. After we ate, I played with a bunch of my cousins in my grandparents' garage. The garage is more like a playroom. It is carpeted and is filled with a bunch of different items. I was playing house and I was the mom to all my younger cousins, Allie was playing, too. I had my back to the door and never saw Brian open it. I immediately went to hide hoping he wouldn't see me. Brian came in and I heard him ask my sister and the other cousins if they wanted to play tickle monster. They all wanted to so Brian turned off the lights and crawled his way around. He decided not to use a blanket. I was in the corner hoping he didn't know I was in there. Unfortunately he did and came directly to my corner and began reaching his hands down my underwear. I was in the dark and all I could see was a little light from the other end of the garage where the door was that entered into the laundry room and then into the kitchen where all my relatives were. My sister Allie and cousin David were in the garage hiding, too. Brian didn't want to draw attention only to me so after five minutes of touching me he went for the other cousins. That is when I tried to make my escape, but he grabbed my ankle just before I reached the door and forced me into the back of the garage where he began touching me all over. Eventually after ten more minutes went by Brian let go of me and walked out of the garage into the family room to watch football. When I finally climbed out of the garage, all I wanted was to go home and go to sleep. I'm finally home and don't know how much longer I can stay silent. I feel so alone and lost. I just want someone to hold me and never let go. My tears are making my eyes blurry and making the ink run on this entry. I'll end it here.

Christmas is in a couple weeks, but I'm not excited at all. All Christmas is for me is being terrified of Brian. Trying to escape his power. Seriously, what am I supposed to do? I'm in my closet right now as I write this. If I could ask for anything for Christmas there would be two things I'd ask for. One being that Brian would never lay a hand on me again. The other being that my vision would get better. I'm legally blind in one eye and the doctors are planning surgery for summer time. I just want things to be easier for me. Well, Allie wants me to watch Christmas movies with her and have hot cocoa. Maybe it will help get my mind off things for a while. I'll let you know how Christmas goes.

I got some great stuff for Christmas, but once again I tried avoiding Brian. We all went to my aunt's for Christmas Eve. I stayed around adults most of the night. At one point I had to use the bathroom. The bathroom on the ground floor was being used so I went upstairs to use the other bathroom. When I came out I heard my cousins in one of the bedrooms. I decided to stay up there and play with the rest of them. Eventually one by one we all started to go down stairs. Brian stood at the top of the stairs trying to prevent me from coming down. I was trapped. My other cousins thought he was just playing with me. When I tried to push him out of the way, he turned to me and said, “ Don't make a scene and just listen to what I have to say.” I made a mad dash for a bedroom where I tried to close and lock the door. I tried holding it with all my strength, but Brian had no problem getting it open. He quickly closed it and locked the door. The room was tiny and dark. The only light came from a small night light on a table. Brian stood against the door watching me pace back and forth. My mind was racing not knowing what was going to happen. I tried not to act scared, but Brian could hear the tremble in my voice when I tried talking to him. Talking to him was useless. He could care less what I had to say, but every minute counts when he has me trapped. The longer I can keep him away the less time I will be stuck with him. All he wanted was to terrorize me and find his chance to hurt me.

I walked over to the window and looked out at the full moon and stars. I began praying to God that he would save me from Brian. While I said a silent prayer Brian stood against the locked door watching my every move. I could feel the vibration from the floor from the rest of my relatives downstairs celebrating Christmas Eve. Just when I was about to lose all hope and Brian was moving in close to make his move, there was a knock at the door that startled both of us.

Brian unlocked the door to see my Uncle John standing there. Our Uncle John questioned what we were doing, but really didn't care. The reason he came up was to find a tape of haunted ghost stories. My Uncle John called all the cousins upstairs to sit in the dark and listen to the tape. I really wasn't interested, especially since it was Christmas not Halloween, but at that point I'd do anything to be away from Brian. My cousins all gathered on the floor in the tiny bedroom and listened to the tape. As I listened I felt something slipping down my pants. I then realized it was Brian sitting directly behind me doing what he had planned to do before. I immediately hit his hand and then jumped up, opened the door and made my way downstairs. I was no longer looking forward to presents, but instead getting home to my own bed where Brian couldn't hurt me. My parents leave early every Christmas Eve because tradition in our home was opening presents on Christmas Eve. Mom and Dad would put all the presents under the tree. Every year my sisters and I ask for a trampoline, but never received one. Dad feels they are too dangerous and doesn't want any accidents. A relative always drives my sisters and me home later, giving my parents time to put the presents down. This year it was Brian's parents driving us home.

When it was time to go I was the last one to get in the car. There were three people in the front seat including a car seat for Jake. The only place for me to sit was in the back. There wasn't any room back there either. Caitlin, Brian, and Jeff were all sitting back there so the only option was for me to sit on someone's lap. Brian immediately offered and although I didn't want to at all Brian was giving me a dirty glare. For thirty minutes I was stuck sitting on Brian's lap the whole way home. Brian used his hands to rub my butt. I did my best to ignore it, but deep down I couldn't take it. To keep my mind off it, I talked about getting a trampoline. When I finally saw my street sign, I was relieved. My sisters and I darted inside as my Aunt Mary yelled out the window for us to call her in the morning. We opened up our presents, but it wasn't the same as years past. Brian's actions were really beginning to affect me. I'm twelve years old and can't even enjoy the Christmas holiday. Instead I'm worried about my safety and keeping this terrible secret that is eating away inside me.

After opening presents my sisters and I ran downstairs to our stockings. To our surprise there was a huge box and on it printed in bold letters was the word Trampoline. My sisters and I were jumping up and down and screaming with excitement. For a moment I actually forgot about my troubles and felt like a kid opening presents. My sisters and I stayed up late into the night and eventually we all crashed in Caitlin's room. We woke around seven thirty this Christmas morning. Grandma and Grandpa stopped over later to see our presents. Around three p.m. we all went over to our Grandparents' house for Christmas dinner. Once again I worried about Brian trying to hurt me. I stayed by my parents' side all night, which kept Brian from abusing me. Christmas night I came home and cried myself to sleep holding my teddy bear. I was just glad to have another holiday behind me.