Stork Naked (8 page)

Then she spied a small lonely flower blooming in a cranny. “Flower in the crannied wall!” she cried. “Which passage should we take?”

“The Ness way,” the flower replied.

Azalea saw labels on the tunnels, saying things like TO HEAVEN, BEST
ESCAPE, NETHER DELIGHT.. One said ANOTHER FINE NESS. “This way!” she cried, and led the party into the Fine Ness passage.

“Is this wise?” Stymy inquired as they funneled through the tunnel. “I mislike the sign.”

“A little flower told me,” she replied. “Flowers never lie to me.”

“But did the flower tell you why this was best?”

“There wasn't time.”

The peeve landed on her shoulder. “It's not the best, weed-brain,” it said in her voice. “It's the least worst. It's the one tunnel where we won't be followed.”

Azalea had learned that the peeve's natural mode was insult, and didn't take it personally. “What do you know of this, feather-head?”

“The Nesses are monsters. One found a key to the lock and escaped into Mundania, the Loch Ness Monster. Its siblings didn't make it, so are stuck here, and not pleased. No one wants to be gobbled by a Ness.”

Azalea was not completely thrilled by that explanation, but it did make sense. “Thank you, peeve.”

“Well, I don't want to be gobbled either, dimwit.”

They came into another cavern. This one also had multiple exits, and each was labeled, but this time there were no flowers to ask.

First Azalea checked on the children. Ted, Monica, Woe Betide. They all seemed to be all right. That was a relief.

“Will we see the monsters?” Ted asked eagerly.

“Not if they see us first,” Monica retorted. Both laughed.

Now Azalea read the signs. They were not encouraging, MAD NESS,
GOOD NESS, SAD NESS, GREAT NESS, SLEEPY NESS, SICK NESS, UGLY NESS. It seemed they had to pick one. She didn't trust good, as it might be an exclamation, here in the Punderground. Neither did she trust SLEEPY, as that could be a ruse to get them to try to sneak by. Any monster was dangerous.

The waif Woe Betide approached. “I can help,” she piped.

“Of course you can,” Azalea said reassuringly. But she knew the tyke was likely to be the first morsel gobbled by a monster. This was awful. How could she get the children out of here?

“I really can,” Woe insisted.

“Of course, dear,” Azalea repeated. She walked by the several tunnels, distracted. It seemed she had to make the decision, but the risk of disaster was formidable. There had to be a way through, because the flower wouldn't have sent them into doom, but she had no idea what it was.

“You don't believe me,” Woe said, clouding over.

“Certainly I believe you,” Azalea said insincerely.

“You better,” Ted said. “Mom's a full demoness.”

Suddenly he had her full attention. “Mom?”

“She's D. Metria, locked into her child aspect so she can't mangle words or know what secrets the Adult Conspiracy hides. But she's got her matches.”

“Match Less,” Monica said, and both tittered. “For Mad Ness.”

This was a new wrinkle. Ted's mother would surely want to save her son from getting gobbled. “How can you help, Woe?”

“My matches give folk their Heart's Desire,” the waif explained.

“Which we might trade for our safe passage,” Azalea said, understanding. “If we can figure out what a monster wants more than tasty flesh.” Then something else occurred. “If you are a full demon, can't you just pop off and summon help?”

“Not since we went down under,” Woe said sadly.

Azalea realized that the Punderground must have some sort of barrier to prevent demons from escaping. That was not reassuring. But she had to be positive, for the sake of the children. “I will consider which Ness we can best use a match on. Assuming they have hearts or desires.”

Ted and Monica chuckled, thinking she had made a funny. She smiled, letting them think that. But she was seriously concerned. She had not had a lot of experience with monsters, and wasn't sure what they had, apart from teeth and appetites.

She walked by the signs. What would be the heart's desire of a monster named Mad Ness? Sanity? What about Good Ness? Something naughty? Sad Ness—happiness? Ugly Ness—

She paused in mid-thought. She saw a lotus flower petal. Her sister had been here.

“This one,” she said.

“Aww,” Ted said. “I'd rather see Sexy Ness.”

“OoOoo, what you said!” Monica said. “At your age, you naughty boy.”

Azalea faced Woe Betide. “What kind of heart's desire would Ugly Ness have? Can you make a match for it?”

“The matches just do it, whatever it is,” the waif said.

“They grant the heart's desire automatically? How do they know it?”

“Magic,” Woe said wisely.

Azalea hoped that was the case. “How do you invoke them? I doubt the monster will strike a match.”

“I strike it. If the monster wants.”

Azalea was far from certain it could be that easy, but saw no point in expressing her doubt. Now that she knew her sister had come this way she was exhilarated despite her fears for herself and the children. “Good enough. You will strike a match for Ugly Ness, if the monster agrees to let us pass unmolested.”

They went cautiously down the tunnel. Soon it came to a pool and skirted the edge. The moment their party approached, a fearsome reptilian head poked out of the water. It had huge purple teeth, dangling green wattles, a giant slurpy tongue, and three black eyes. Overall it was breathtakingly ugly.

“Where'd you get that snoot?” the peeve asked. “Did you try to swallow a rotten tree, and the rancid roots got stuck in your maw?”

“Peeve!” Azalea reproved it as the children tittered. She hoped the creature hadn't heard the bird.

“Though it is a fair description,” Stymy murmured.

Azalea nerved herself and took half a step toward the monster. “Ugly Ness,” she said an a quavering voice. “We need to pass your pool. We—we want to make a deal.”

Two of the eyes focused on her body. The tongue slurped across the teeth. Did the monster understand, or was it salivating at the prospect of crunching her tender body into juicy pulp?

“We offer you your heart's desire,” she continued bravely. “In exchange for letting us pass.”

The monster considered. Then, slowly, the huge head nodded. It was agreeing!

“Aw, it'll probably gobble us all anyway,” Ted said.

“All but you,” Monica retorted. “It'll spit you out, stinky.”

“Thank you for that encouragement, children,” Azalea said. “Woe Betide, we are ready for your match.”

The waif stepped forward. “Watch the flame,” she told the Ness. Then she struck the Match against the Box. It burst into bright flame.

The monster stared at the speck of fire. Then something wonderfully weird happened. Ugly Ness became beautiful. Not merely acceptable, not pretty-if-you-like-that-type, not merely handsome, but gloriously lovely through and through.

They all stared at the gorgeous creature, awed. Beauty fairly radiated from it, compelling their admiration. The Ness was simply stunning.

“Walk, dope,” the peeve muttered at her ear. “Now.”

Oh. Azalea gestured to the others, and walked forward along the path skirting the pool. They followed, still gazing raptly at the sheerly alluring creature. Its features had not changed, but now its aspect was rapturously pleasing. Beauty incarnate, and they were in their fashion worshipping it. They had no choice.

They completed their passage around the pool. They were safe! Then Azalea saw that Woe Betide had not joined them. She remained standing where she had lit the match, holding up its diminishing flame. What would happen when it went out?

“Wait here.” Azalea dashed back to fetch the waif just as the match expired.

The monster blinked. Its ugliness returned. It gazed down at the two of them, precariously exposed.

After a long moment—really a moment and a half—Ugly Ness closed its eyes and sank slowly under the water. It had honored the deal. They had been spared.

Azalea led Woe around the pool to join the others. Her knees felt like bendy stalks. Had the monster had honor after all?

“If it gobbled you, there would be two fewer people who had recognized its luster,” Stymy Stork explained. “Who else would believe it?”

Maybe that made sense.

“We must go on,” Azalea said. “There has to be a way out.”

Then her eye caught sight of another lotus petal. Her sister had passed this way, and made it safely past the monster. Now she knew what had happened: the Hobgoblin had lured or tricked Lotus into entering the Punderground, where she had been trapped. But she had had the wit to leave a trail of petals so she could be found. Only Azalea would have recognized that trail.

However, Lotus had not found the way out. So how could the rest of them?

The next cavern was filled with children and teens. They were not boisterous or happy; they were quiet and sullen. What was going on here?

“Stay together,” Azalea cautioned the children. “We don't know these people.” They remained in a tight little group near the entrance tunnel. Now Azalea saw other entrances; evidently all the monster paths led to this same chamber. Her group could have chosen any route. What did it mean?

Two odd teens approached. Both had snow-white hair and ice-blue eyes. They looked like brother and sister. “You're new here,” the boy said.

“We are new,” Azalea said. “We don't plan to stay.”

Both children laughed wearily. “None of us planned to stay,” the girl said.

As she had feared. “I am Azalea; my talent is talking with flowers. These are my companions, also trapped. You must know something we don't.”

“I am Kalt,” the boy said. “My talent is shaping ice. This is my twin sister Frosteind; she freezes water.”

“I also like to count steps between points,” the girl said. “It passes the time.”

“I don't understand why there are so many children here.”

“It's ugly,” Kalt said. “You sure you want to know?”

“We have to know,” Azalea said grimly.

“They're leaching our souls,” Frosteind said.

“They're what?”

“The longer we stay here, the more of our souls we lose,” Kalt explained. “That's what happens in the Punderground. Near the surface some folk might escape, so they addict them to punapple pie. Down here there is no escape, so they don't care. They give us plenty of food and it doesn't hurt us. But we can't leave, and in time our souls will be gone.”

“What do they do with your souls?” Azalea asked, appalled.

“We don't know,” Kalt said. “We think they power their magic in some way—the pun screen.”

“And the fauns and nymphs want them,” Frosteind said. “It doesn't matter; we're doomed anyway.”

“This is truly horrible,” Azalea said. “We must escape.”

“We know,” Kalt said. “But we know of no way. Below this residential cave there is only the Death Pool.”

“The what?” Azalea asked, startled.

“We call it that because that's where the kids go who can't stand it any more. There's a whirlpool that sucks them down, and they're gone.”

“The horror continues,” Azalea murmured.

“We're thirsty,” Ted said.

Azalea had to smile. “One thing these caves seem to have is plenty of water.”

“Ugh!” both half-demon children protested.

“The kids here have many talents,” Frosteind said. She peered across the cave. “Zach!”

A boy joined them. “I told you before, Frosty: no kissing.”

“These new kids are thirsty and they don't much like water.”

“Ah.” Zach reoriented. “What drink would you like? My talent is to make any drink from any liquid.”

“Purple milkshake,” Ted said promptly.

“Green tsoda pop,” Monica said.

“Do you have cups?”

Cups appeared in their two hands.

“Dip them in the water.”

They went to the pool and dipped their cups. Then Zach touched the surface of the liquid in each cup, and it changed color. Ted's turned purple; Monica's turned green. They tasted them, and grinned with approval; the transformations were real.

“Thank you, Zach,” Frosteind said. Then, suddenly, she kissed him.

“Ugh!” Zack exclaimed, fleeing.

“Fake,” the peeve muttered. “He really liked it.”

“He doesn't want to get razzed,” Kalt confided.

“I wonder,” Azalea said. “Is there a girl called Lotus here?”

“Sure,” Frosteind said. “Why do you want her?”

“She's my twin sister.”

“I thought you looked familiar! You have the same flowery features.” Frosteind lifted her voice and called again. “Lotus! Your sister's here!”

And just like that, Lotus came forging through the throng. “Azalea!” she cried, hugging her almost as hard and tearfully as Azalea was hugging her.

“Ugh,” Ted said. “Can't you cut out the mush?”

“Mush is fun,” Monica said. “All you need is some nice girl to give you a big slobbery kiss.”

“I do not!” But as with Zach, his protest lacked conviction.

“Like that Lotus,” Monica continued teasingly. “A flower nymph. You'd float up to the ceiling.”

“I would not!” he said, flustered.

The joy of their reunion soon faded into awareness of their predicament. “I came to rescue you,” Azalea said. “But I got caught myself.”

“That's the way it is,” Lotus agreed.

“Ted wants you to kiss him,” Monica said wickedly.

“Oh, really?” Lotus looked at Ted.

Ted opened his mouth to protest, but was too stunned by Monica's betrayal to get a word out. Lotus leaned down and kissed him. He floated toward the ceiling.

“Which reminds me,” Lotus said to Azalea. “You must meet my boyfriend Wade. His talent is to wade through water knee-deep, no matter how deep the water really is. He helps me with my water flowers.” She turned, lifting an eyebrow.

A handsome boy of about sixteen appeared. “You found your sister!” he exclaimed, seeing Azalea. His gaze was so sincere that for half an instant she was sorry Lotus had found him first.

“Yes. This is Azalea, who can talk to land flowers. Tell her about Ray.”

“He's my brother,” Wade said. “He can make a ray of sunshine, so flowers in shade can grow better. He must be out looking for me now. He'd really like you, as I like Lotus, if only for your nymphly fi—”