Stormie: A Story of Forgiveness and Healing (17 page)

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Authors: Stormie Omartian

BOOK: Stormie: A Story of Forgiveness and Healing
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When I was finished and Sara Anne had prayed over me, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest.
Next I took my list of sexual failures, the drugs, the abortions, and any other wrongdoing I had recalled and presented them before the Lord. I confessed each one as sin and asked for God’s forgiveness for them.
Then we addressed the problem of my mother. Sara Anne instructed that I say, “God, I confess hatred for my mother and I ask Your forgiveness. I forgive her for everything she did to me, I forgive her for not loving me, and I release her into Your hands.”
About this time I began to cry, partly because of the relief of being free from the heavy load of failure and guilt and partly because I felt the gentle, healing presence of the Holy Spirit in the room.
With that preliminary foundation laid, we moved on. Sara Anne called Andrea, another counselor, into the room to pray alongside her. While I sat in a chair, they put their hands on my head and worshiped God for many minutes. I kept my eyes closed and felt as if the roof on the small room was being raised with the joy of their praises.
One by one they addressed spirits that had tormented me or had an oppressive hold on my life. Spirits of futility, despair, fear, and rejection were mentioned as were spirits of suicide and torment. I was not demon-possessed, but these spirits had oppressed me at points where I had given them place through my sins of unforgiveness and disobedience to God.
When Sara Anne felt that the oppression was finally broken, she relaxed her grip on my head and rested her hands on my shoulders. She began to speak, not in the powerful voice of authority that she used to address the oppressive spirits, but in a soft, almost-angelic tone. I recognized that she was giving a prophetic message, one that would change my life forever.
“My daughter, you have been locked in a closet all your life—first physically and then emotionally. But
I
have the keys.
I
have the keys.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks and into my hands that I had held open on my lap. It was a gesture of openness to His words as Jesus unlocked the place where I had been held prisoner for all my life.
“I’m giving the keys to you,” the word continued. “Whenever you feel the devil trying to lock you up again, use the keys I have given you. Use the
keys
I have given you.”
“God has also given me a Scripture in Isaiah for you,” Sara Anne said as she turned to her Bible lying open on the desk. “ ‘Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins.’
3
”
Looking up at me she said, “I know the Lord told me to give you that, but I’m not sure what the words ‘double for all her sins’ means for you.”
“I know what it means,” I assured her. “I have always felt that I paid double for everything. Life has been twice as painful and twice as difficult for me than for anyone else. God is saying no more of that. The hard times are finished and the consequence of my sin has been paid.”
It was all over. I was drained. With a big, loving smile, Sara Anne gave me a warm hug and said, “God moved in your behalf today. You’re going to feel like a new person.”
“I already do!” I said in return. I wasn’t sure of all that had happened, but I felt like a thousand pounds of dead weight had been lifted off of me. I really
did
feel new.
“I know this may seem like a strange question,” I continued, “but do you think I should change my name? I mean is ‘Stormie’ a legitimate Christian name? As a child I used to hate being teased about it, and even though now it has proven to be a name that people remember, I’ve always desired to have a normal name like Marilyn. Maybe I should change it to that. I thought as long as I’m a new person, I should have a new name. What do you think?”
Both women listened thoughtfully, and after a moment of silence Andrea replied, “No, I believe you are supposed to keep your name and let it be a testimony to the work that God has done in your life. You’ve come out of a stormy childhood, but God calms the storms of our lives. I know He is going to do that completely in you. Whenever someone questions you about your name, let that be your opportunity to share about God’s goodness.”
I felt her advice was a word from God, so I laid the issue to rest once and for all. I thanked them and hugged them both goodbye.
“Now go and walk in all the freedom God has given you,” Sara Anne instructed. She directed me to read my Bible and pray every day and to attend church three times a week. “This gives you a good armor of protection from the devil, who will attempt to steal back the territory in your life that has been taken away from him,” she explained. “It’s not that what has been accomplished by God can easily be undone, but the devil could certainly undermine it by causing you to doubt and fear again.”
I left her office dazed and almost numb. As I drove home I tried to remember all that happened. I had gone there without much hope. I believed that God
could
do something, but I didn’t know whether He
would
do it for me.
I had sensed the presence of God in the whole process. What it would all mean in my life, I didn’t know. And what were the keys that God was talking about?
Michael was gone when I arrived home. I ate some fruit—my first food in nearly three days—and went to bed. A few hours later Michael came home and woke me up from a sound sleep.
“Tell me what happened with Sara Anne.” His voice reflected the concern on his face. This had been a draining time for him too, but my own emotional paralysis had blinded me to it until now.
Halfway through the story he interrupted me: “Your eyes look totally different, Stormie. They’re peaceful, not fearful or worried. But it’s even more than that... I can’t explain it ... tell me more.”
The next morning I awoke without any feelings of depression whatever—no thought of suicide, no heaviness in my chest, no fearful anticipation of the future. I waited all day for it to return, but it didn’t.
Day after day it was the same. I never again experienced those feelings, nor the paralysis that accompanied them. I had gone into that counseling office knowing Jesus as Savior, but I came out knowing Him also as my Deliverer.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE KEYS
After my time of deliverance, I spent the rest of the year learning what the keys were that God had given me. I knew that Jesus held the keys to life, and by receiving Him and being born again, the doorway to life after death had been opened for me. Then He unlocked the door of my emotional closet that day in the counseling office with Sara Anne. Now I found that the significance of the keys extended far beyond that. If I were to experience more life in
this
life, there were keys I needed in order to unlock doors on a daily basis—the doors to peace, wholeness, fulfillment, love, abundance, growth, ongoing deliverance, fruitfulness, and restoration.
One such key was spending time daily in
God’s Word
and letting it be written indelibly on my heart and in my mind so that it shaped my actions and thoughts. I had no trouble believing that the Bible was God’s Word because after I received Jesus the words practically leaped off the page teeming with life. Because of this I developed a hunger for more of the Word to feed and fortify the places in my spirit and personality that were starved or severely undernourished. I carefully memorized certain verses and spoke them out loud in order to cut through the dark times of my life with power. I read even when I didn’t understand what I was reading or was too tired to assimilate much. Pastor Jack taught that it was like eating a meal. “Do you know what you had for lunch last Tuesday?” he asked.
“No,” I shook my head.
“But it still fed your body, didn’t it?”
“Yes,” I nodded.
“Well, even though you may not remember a word you read from the Bible last night, it still fed your spirit.”
I discovered right away that for me to get through a day successfully, I needed to read the Bible first thing every morning. It set my mind on the right path from the beginning and gave me a solid foundation on which to build my day. Anytime I was tempted to fall back into the old habit of thinking of myself as a failure or feeling fearful and depressed, I took out the Bible again and read. As I did, I could feel my attitude reverse and my mind fill with peace.
The key of God’s Word was also spiritual ammunition to stand against whatever was opposing me. Now I could understand the authority and power given to me through Jesus. When I became fearful and heard a voice in my head saying, “You’re going to end up mentally ill just like your mother,” I would speak out loud the Scripture from the Bible that says, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a
sound mind
.”
4
I’d repeat that over and over until the fear was gone.
Another key was
prayer
. King David’s words “Early will I seek thee” resounded in my mind, and I knew that I needed to be up early every morning, not only reading the Bible but also spending time talking with God and listening for His reply. I took my every concern to Him.
Prayer, like the Word of God, helped to change my thought habits. For 30 years I thought, “I’m no good. I’m ugly. I’m worthless. I have no talent. No gifts. I’m undesirable. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t deserve to be alive.” But now I recognized these thoughts as lies and not in line with God’s truth. They responded quickly to prayer, whereas before they had responded to nothing. The lying thoughts had no power now that the Father of Lies had no hold on me. The key of God’s Word helped me to see the truth and stand in it, and the key of prayer secured God’s help in the matter. Reversing bad thought habits had to be worked out on a daily basis, and taking my needs to God in prayer was the key to a peaceful and fruitful day filled with victory.
Every morning I would come before God in prayer and say, “Jesus, I proclaim You Lord over my life and I commit myself to You this day. Help me to bring every thought that I have under Your rulership.” Then I would list all the specific needs that I wanted Him to take care of at that time. As a result I saw the frayed ends of my life begin to be smoothed out. Because I was praying, my life was no longer left to chance.
Along with prayer came the key of
confession.
I learned that I must daily confess everything in my heart that was sin. I used to think that sin meant smoking, drinking, drugs, and sexual immorality, and since I was no longer involved with any of these, and I hadn’t murdered anyone or robbed a liquor store, I was exempt from sinner status. How wrong I was! I discovered that “sin” was an old archery term meaning to miss the bull‘s-eye. Anything other than direct center was sin. That realization opened up a whole new world for me. Anything less than God’s perfect will for my life was sin. In that light, I had plenty to confess. From my critical attitude to self-hatred, white lies, and selfishness, there were many things I was doing that I never even realized were wrong. Again I prayed as David did, “God, create in me a clean heart. Show me my secret sin and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.”
I learned that the rage I held inside from childhood was sin even though it began when I was too young to understand it and even though there was a good reason for it. Sin is never justified no matter who commits it or what age they are. God never approves of sin, but He does make provision for it through Jesus, and the key to experiencing that provision is confession. When I didn’t use my confession key, I got tied up in guilt and was miserable. As difficult as it was, I had to confess on a daily basis.
Through confession I became aware of my own jealousy. When I would see beautiful women with talent, I would immediately compare myself with them and fall short. I came to see this as the seed from which jealousy grows. Secretly I wanted what they had. As I confessed this before God every time it happened, gradually I began to be free of those feelings. In fact, I grew in that area so much that I began to appreciate the beauty and talent of other women, as one can admire anything of God’s creation. What a relief to no longer be threatened by another person’s gifts! With that barrier down, close relationships developed quickly and easily.
Another important key was
forgiveness.
Forgiving others, especially my mother, became something I had to deal with daily. I confessed forgiveness for her in the counseling office and thought I had taken care of it until the very next time I saw her. Then all the old feelings of hatred, frustration, bitterness, and anger came forth like a flood, and along with them came their partners, defeat and low self-esteem.

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