Strangers with Benefits (Siren Publishing Classic) (33 page)

And the saddest part was that all she craved was the long term. Every night she spent with him made it harder to walk away. She had gotten bad enough off to think about vacations and shaving cream on his side of the bathroom sink.

But where could they go from here? It wasn’t like she could move him into her place. It wasn’t like she wanted to bring a man under her roof that she wasn’t married to.

Married?

Sidonie’s belly rolled with a mix of emotions, sick that the idea even popped into her head in the first place, even as her heart soared at the idea of being Mrs. McTavish. Liking him was one thing and loving was another, but marriage was… in an entirely different dimension.

She had been treading in dangerous waters for a while now. But for her to think about the big M meant the sink or swim variety of trouble.

“Mom?” Katie asked.

Based on her daughter’s perplexed expression, the girl had been calling her for a while.

“Sorry. I was off there—”

“For a sec? Yeah, we noticed,” Den stated simply.

Since when had he known her long enough to finish her statements?

Apparently, it was long enough.

“I said I was sorry. What more do you want? A pound of flesh?” she quipped in a pathetic attempt to lighten her own mood, damn everyone else’s.

Den only looked at her and tilted his head.

“Hey, kid-a-roos! Want to get a doughnut from Britt’s after we pack up the cars?” Den’s mother asked and Sidonie smiled at the woman gratefully. “We’ll meet you back at the house.” She winked and turned around.

“Yeah!” The twins echoed in unison as they grabbed more than their spindly arms could carry and raced off toward the street with the elders in tow.

“Look both ways!” she called out behind them.

She shrugged on her wrap and pushed her sunglasses onto her hairline. When they were relatively alone, Den grabbed her arm. “What is it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

“I’m not lying. I just don’t know what it is.” She did.

Sidonie felt as if she waited for the other shoe to drop.

She felt as if she watched a train barrel toward her and she couldn’t move to save her own life. It was a terrifying emotion. The fear of falling even as she plummeted was too late to stop the splat she knew was coming.

“Is this too much?” he asked and Sidonie suddenly felt shame wash over her and a soundtrack played in her skull. The melody was an odd one, consisted of every melody she’d heard, despite the fact that only two sounds were audible. That of the sea and her heartbeat.

“Yes.” she said. For what reason, she had no idea.

Den’s eyes closed and she could read the disappointment on his face as if the expression spoke a million words his mouth had not.

All she knew was that he was too much, too fast. It was all too fast.

There was no way that she could be making the right decision with him. He was too perfect. Just like her ex.

And just like before, she would be left alone on a Monday morning and no way to explain what she didn’t quite understand herself.

Left with an empty
his
side.

Bathroom devoid of shaving implements, the ones she had come to count on encroaching on her side of the sink. Bedroom lacking the neck pillow she’d bought for his bad back and closets without his clothing. Unlike the first time, she would be empty inside while her space remained exactly the same.

The worst part was she knew the pain would be so much worse than before and that scared her the most.

“I didn’t take you for a coward.”

“I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Dammit, I can’t fucking do this with you anymore!”

“What, Sidonie?” Den’s voice was low and deceptively calm, the moments before a storm.

“I can’t do this.”

“I deserve better than that.” She pulled away from him and he grabbed her back.

The only reason she didn’t push him away was in deference to the sling he wore. Or that was what she said to make herself feel better. His hands soothed her, even when he was angry, even when she was and wanted to stay that way.

It would make this conversation much easier to have.

“I–I… You!”

“Me what?”

“You make me feel too much. I can’t take it.”

She had made that same statement a thousand times before. But this time, he wasn’t inside of her and it didn’t matter. She couldn’t take another second of feeling like this. It was so…

Delicious.

Beautiful.

Wonderful.

Amazing.

Scary.

Hypnotizing.

Eerie.

Haunting.

It was all of those things and yet, so much more. It was the thunder and lightning in a storm. He had become the gravity that held her earthbound even as she wanted to float away. It was supposed to be simple, yet now everything was complicated by the fact that she was… falling.

That was a lie.

She already had fallen long before now. This was just the moment she realized it. What she knew for certain was she didn’t want to say it out loud.

Sidonie knew there was a chasm within her that she had lived happily without filling. Never imagined it could be filled. Her life was full, felt full, until he swept in and made her realize how empty her world truly was.

How hollow it was.

None of her friends understood. None of them had children.

None of them knew what it was like to go on an outing with other parents and be the only single one. Even worse was the last time she’d gone on an outing just like this one, about a year ago. That particular day, Katie wanted to go to the beach with her friend, so she invited the girl, Bella, and her mother, Rachelle.

The pair of course, asked another girl and her mother to go. It wasn’t a big deal, but when she arrived at the beach, it was to find the moms, kids, and spouses there, when she only expected it to be a mommy-daughter thing.

She made small talk and had a beer at a local pier bar with them afterward as the children ate, but she felt like a fifth wheel for sure. She was the only one without a spouse to share the burdens of life with. Someone to pack lunch because she had come home late from work.

Someone to help her move furniture when she wanted to redecorate.

The smallest things made the most difference and that was what she missed the most about being part of a couple. Being part of something.

“You can do better than that.”

She could, but why say what he already knew?

“Damn you, McTavish.”

“No. You want to damn us both.” He huffed a nasal spout from his nostrils.

“You don’t understand.”

“Better than you think.” He sighed and took his hand from her arm. It was even worse to admit that when his touch left her, the warmth went with it. Now the setting sun only seemed to herald a cool evening she seemed ill equipped to deal with. “You act like you’re the only one with feelings here.”

“This wasn’t what we planned for and you know it. Did you intend to have something more than one night with me? Did you plan to become a surrogate father to two teenagers and have an instant family dropped in your lap? Do you think I planned on wanting more than was offered?”

He looked at her and took a deep breath. “Sometimes life doesn’t go the way you plan.”

“Exactly. I’m giving you the chance to walk away, McTavish.” She swallowed, suddenly her tongue was too thick for her mouth to contain it. “Take it.”

“Liar.” He shook his head at her.

“How so?”

“You aren’t giving me the chance to walk. You’re taking the chance to run.” Perceptive fucker.

Sidonie gasped and then she did just that.

Ran.

But she could barely keep her footing and by the time she reached the pier, Den’s arm shot out and grabbed her elbow.

“Nope. You’re my ride, so don’t think you get to run off into the sunset and leave me here stranded.”

“I wouldn’t…”

“Well, you did a good imitation just now.”

“Sorry.”

“Sorry for what? Trying to dump me on the beach or trying to strand me there when you were done?”

Put like that, she felt like a callow fool. “Both, I guess.”

He rolled his eyes. “So you can’t take it, huh?”

“Den, you know I’m right. This was never in the cards.”

“I’m confused. What’s not in the cards?”

“Love!” Sidonie gasped and tried to step away, only to be yanked back.

She couldn’t even look at him and dropped her head to look at the sand smoothed wooden planks under their feet.

Damn, he has beautiful feet.

“You love me?” He asked like the question was nothing. Like it was unimportant when she felt like she had ripped her heart out and handed it to him while he mused over the quality of the presented organ.

She refused to speak and the silence was filled with the sounds of the surf behind them, but even then, tension hung in the salty air.

“Even if you won’t speak to me, the least you could do is look at me,” he muttered.

She tried to. Her head lifted, but when her eyes met his, she felt blinded and dropped her gaze south again.

“Just tell me.”

“No,” she mumbled mulishly, just before she walked away, shrugged his arm off, and left him to follow her. There was no way she was going to have this conversation with him right now.

Probably not even later.

When she got into the driver’s seat and cranked the car, Den looked at her.

“You know what? I don’t get your attitude.”

“You don’t have to.”

“All I want is—”

But she cut him off right there. “What, Den? To make the sex starved divorcee fall for you so that you can add another notch to your bedpost?”

He sucked in a breath and his nostrils flared. “Wait a minute. I have never given you a reason to believe that about me. I haven’t done a damn thing to you, but make love to you day and night to fill this asinine list.”

Really? “Asinine? Let me remind you, buddy, I didn’t make the list. You did.”

“Yeah. And let me tell you, was that a mistake.”

“Mistake?” Sidonie wished she could have clapped her hands over her mouth before she had said a damn thing.

“Yeah. What else the fuck would you call it? I can’t get the time of day with you and you want to treat me like I’m a damn skeleton that you can fuck in a closet when you want to pull me the hell out!” He had started calmly enough, but by the time it was all said and done his volume rose until he practically screamed at her.

“I… what?”

“Yeah, I said it. You sit here and look at me like your heart is in your eyes. But it’s nothing more than a trap for a sucker. Oh, its little miss perfect with her perfect life, kids, and job. At the end of the day, you’re fucking alone in your expensive ivory tower where you get to look down on simple old blue collar me.”

“I’m not the only one who’s alone, now am I?” Her teeth clenched painfully around the words as she made the effort to make them crystal clear and not blurred from anger and anguish.

“You got that right and this makes me realize why I’m alone. Fucking hate bullshit. But you need to take a good look at yourself and maybe you’ll figure out why you’re alone, too.”

She couldn’t believe that he went there. Like she made her ex gay, dammit. That had nothing to do with her. “You know what? Fuck you. Fuckyou, fuckyou, fuckyou! Neanderthal asshole!”

“Oh, you forgot already? You already did and I returned the favor. Quite a few times, might I add?” His expression was that of pure satisfaction and she balled up her fists. She had never hit anyone in her life, but she was so close to lashing out that she had to force her body not to. “You wanna pop me one, huh?” He leaned over and gave her his cheek.

He practically laughed at her and she couldn’t deal with another word from him.

“Nothing, huh? Well, lemme say this. All I wanted was to get to know you better and all you wanted was to fuck. You should be bored of that by now, so I’ll let you find another toy to tease. I’m done.”

Sidonie couldn’t respond, tried to, but she knew that her mouth gaped and nothing came out.

How dare he? She didn’t start this, he had. All she tried to do was keep them in a place where no one got their feelings hurt. Namely her, but she didn’t want to put him in that position in the first place.

She gasped and blinked for a moment before she turned the car on and the music to an earsplitting level she couldn’t even take. In all honesty, Sidonie had never fought with a man before and she didn’t have a clue as how to handle it.

Even her split with Charles was amiable. They were no longer the best friends and good companions they were to begin with, but they didn’t fight and could still have a conversation when the need arose.