Strictly Love (24 page)

‘We mustn't,’ she said, pulling his hand towards her mouth and kissing it.

‘I know,’ said Mark with regret. He pulled slightly away from her.

They'd been there so long, the night was fast fading, and in the east they could make out the first pink rays of the early-morning sun.

‘The
rosy-fingered dawn
,’ said Emily, wanting him to hold her, then not wanting him to.

‘Who's Dawn?’ joked Mark.

Emily gave him a look. ‘It's Shakespeare again, you idiot,’ she said.

‘Even I knew that,’ said Mark. He was leaning on one side, tearing up pieces of grass. She wondered what was going through his head. She was glad he couldn't see what was going on in hers.

‘Bugger it, I'm not made of stone.’ Mark sat up and looked at her, and Emily felt herself reduced to jelly. He leaned over and kissed her urgently, and she responded with the fervour of a starving woman who knew this might be her last chance to be fed.

Eventually they pulled apart.

‘I'm so sorry, Mark,’ Emily said, ‘about everything.’

‘Me too,’ said Mark.

‘I don't want to,’ said Emily, stroking his face, ‘but we have to stop.’

‘You're probably right,’ said Mark with evident regret. He tucked a stray hair behind her ear in a gesture of infinite tenderness. ‘We should stop now while we still can.’

‘If I could do something different – if I could make it different, you know I would,’ said Emily.

‘I know, I know,’ Mark replied. He held his finger to her lips and said, ‘Hush. We‘ve had tonight. Which was more than we could have expected.’

‘But we can't have tomorrow,’ Emily said with a piercing sadness.

‘Come on, let's go and find something to eat,’ said Mark. ‘When it's properly morning I'll drive you home.’

They gathered their things up and walked back to the house, holding hands, closer than they'd been for months, yet further apart than ever.

Chapter Thirty-one

 

Katie was nervously pacing up and down the house, the late rays of the autumn sun casting shadows across the lounge. Charlie was bringing the children back after a day out, and Mum was coming to babysit while they went out to discuss the future. She was still in shock about what had happened, but in a way it was also a relief. It was so much less stressful not having to pretend any more, and such a blessing to know that, ultimately, it wasn't her fault that their marriage was over. In the weeks since they'd split, she'd had time to calm down, and she was even beginning to feel sorry for Charlie. He must have been to hell and back.

The doorbell rang and she jumped out of her skin. She was ridiculously twitchy; it was only dinner. Charlie came in looking just as nervous, and she felt her heart go out to him. It must be harder for him than for her. He'd come out in front of his whole family. She could only imagine the way that had gone down in Marilyn's circle.

The boys were full of beans and had clearly enjoyed the day out with their dad, and Molly was gurgling happily in the buggy. Whatever had happened, or would happen, Charlie was a devoted dad.

‘Good day?’ She spoke with deliberate lightness, trying to keep things buoyant and perky so the kids wouldn't get wind of the tension.

‘Great,’ he said. ‘Could I – would it be all right if I bathed Molly? Only, I've really missed them.’

She let him take Molly upstairs and left the boys watching
X Factor
while she pottered around tidying up. It must be horrible for Charlie being without the kids. She couldn't imagine it. For the first time she saw things from his point of view. He'd lost more than her by his actions.

Her mum turned up soon after, and she and Charlie headed out of the door, towards town.

‘Where do you want to go?’ asked Charlie. ‘The Italian?’

The Italian had been their favourite haunt in happier days. Katie thought with a pang of the time they had gone out for a meal there on Charlie's birthday when she was newly pregnant with Molly. They had had some good times, even if things had ended badly.

‘I don't think that's such a good idea, do you?’ she said. ‘How about the new Thai on the High Street?’

Within minutes they were sitting down in a bright, shiny new restaurant where everything that wasn't gleaming metal seemed to be teak.

‘This is nice,’ said Charlie, and ordered a Tiger beer for himself and a G and T for Katie.

There was a brief awkward pause before Katie asked, ‘How are you?’

Charlie sighed, and put down the menu he'd been glancing at. He rubbed his face in his hands. She could see bags under his eyes, and there were worry lines that hadn't been there before.

‘Better, and worse,’ he said. ‘Better because it's all out in the open. Much worse because I feel like such a shit. I've behaved badly to you. And to the kids. I know what you must think of me, but really I'm not a monster. I never meant any of this to happen.’

Katie sat there not knowing what to say. Charlie was practically in tears. It felt unusual to be this much in control.

‘When did you know?’ she asked.

‘That I was gay?’ Charlie looked sheepish. ‘I think I've always known. But you know my family. How could I have told anyone that? My parents would have gone ballistic.’

‘So you lived a lie and dragged me into it instead?’ Katie was veering between sympathy and fury. ‘How could you have done that to me? To the kids? Did you ever love me?’

The waitress chose that moment to take their order, so they retreated into awkward silence. Charlie looked on the verge of speaking again, when their drinks arrived.

‘Katie, I know if I say I'm sorry every day for the rest of my life, it won't undo the great wrong I've done you,’ he said in the end. ‘But I am sorry. Truly I am. When we met, I'd convinced myself that the feelings I'd had for other guys were just adolescent yearnings. And you were lovely, really you were. I persuaded myself I loved you – no, I
do
love you, but as a friend. I probably never loved you as a husband should. I'm sorry. It was an unfair thing to do. But I was coming under so much pressure, from Mum in particular, to settle down. You seemed like the ideal answer.’

‘Gee thanks,’ said Katie. ‘I'm so glad that you married me to please your mother.’

Charlie said nothing.

‘I deserved that,’ he said. ‘I can't excuse myself, but I can try to make sure you're financially secure. You have the house and I'll buy myself something smaller. I can give you a reasonable allowance, so you won't have to work.’

‘That is generous, thanks,’ said Katie. The pendulum was swinging back in Charlie's favour. He had had no business in marrying her, but she could see how hard it must be to live his own life in the kind of family he came from. ‘I think maybe I should try to do some part-time work anyway. Being at home hasn't been all that great for me. You weren't the only one lying in this marriage, you know.’

‘Oh?’

‘Well, I've known for ages you weren't happy,’ said Katie. ‘That we weren't happy. I just buried my head in the sand and hoped it would all go away. Then I pushed you into having Molly when you'd have preferred not to have another baby. So I'm sorry too.’

‘That's another thing,’ said Charlie. ‘What are we going to tell the children?’

Katie had been dreading that question. So far she had kept it very light, saying that Daddy had to go away for a while, but the excuse was wearing thin. George, in particular, was beginning to twig that something was up.

‘I don't know,’ she said. ‘I think we need to take it slowly, don't you? I mean, they have to know the truth eventually, but there are probably ways we could tell them. I'd rather we handled it sensitively.’

‘It's all right,’ said Charlie, ‘I wasn't planning a repeat of my birthday party.’

Katie burst out laughing.

‘I have to say,’ she said, ‘the look on your mother's face was priceless. Has she forgiven you yet?’

‘She may never forgive me,’ said Charlie with a grimace, ‘but I couldn't have gone on living like that any longer.’

‘And is there someone?’ Katie asked. She wasn't quite sure if she wanted to know the answer to that one, but her curiosity had got the better of her. Was it better to be left for a man rather than a woman? Or was it being the left that was the hard part? ‘I'm guessing there has to be.’

‘I think so,’ said Charlie. ‘He works in the Amsterdam office.’

‘That figures,’ said Katie.

‘He's lovely, you'd like him,’ said Charlie. ‘His name's Hans. He's kind, sweet, and –’

‘Woah,’ said Katie, holding up her hand. ‘I'm not sure I'm quite ready for all that.’

‘No, sorry,’ said Charlie. ‘But perhaps we can raise a toast to new beginnings?’

‘To new beginnings,’ said Katie, raising her glass, ‘and no more lies.’

‘So things are looking up a bit?’

Emily had called in on her way home from work and was relieved to see Katie was looking much cheerier than she had of late.

‘I suppose so,’ said Katie. ‘It went better than I could have expected with Charlie last night, but I don't know. I still feel pretty desolate sometimes. It's stupid. I've spent years living a lie, and the effort of keeping it going was killing me. Yet now it's gone I feel as if I've lost direction. Everything I've ever worked towards is meaningless. It's all turned to dust.’

‘Apart from the kids,’ said Emily.

‘You're right,’ said Katie, nodding. ‘The kids make it all worthwhile. Whatever else Charlie's done to me, he's given me them.’

‘Talking of the children …’

‘No,’ said Katie. ‘I haven't told them yet. Well, we‘ve sat them down and explained that Mummy and Daddy aren't going to be living together any more, but we think it's going to need some careful consideration as to what to say next. I've been looking up websites to find out how it's done. You wouldn't believe the things I've found.
Danny has Two Daddies
.
Mommy has a Lady Friend
…’

‘You could try being honest,’ said Emily. ‘Yes, I'm all for honesty,’ said Katie. ‘But sheesh. George is ten years old. He's going to get crucified in the playground.’ ‘Good point,’ said Emily. ‘And you're sure you're all right?’

‘There's a bit of me that's going to take an awfully long time to forgive Charlie, but yes, in a way, I am. It's such a relief to know that my marriage hasn't failed because of something I've done wrong. It's just me that's wrong – well, my gender is wrong. And that makes a difference somehow. Does that sound weird?’

‘I don't know,’ said Emily. ‘I think the whole situation is pretty
weird. I think you're entitled to be as weird as you want. In the meantime, I think you need a night out. I've got tickets to see We Five on Friday. I wasn't going to go, because they're crap, but I could use a laugh, and so could you. Can you get your mam to babysit for you?’

‘I can try.’

‘Then it's a date,’ said Emily.

‘Where's Gemma?’

Sam was standing on Mark's doorstep like an avenging angel.

‘I have no idea,’ said Mark, who'd just got in from work and hadn't been expecting to have the girls that day.

Sam looked momentarily disconcerted.

‘You mean you don't know where she is?’

‘No,’ said Mark. ‘Why should I? I'm not having the girls till the weekend. Why? Isn't she with you?’

‘I thought she was with you,’ said Sam shortly. ‘Jasmine Symonds is opening our new offices in Regent Street next week and I'm organising the PR, so I was running a bit late and asked her to come here.’

Mark felt a combined tug of worry and exasperation. Sam was always accusing him of putting his job first, but somehow it was okay for her to do it.

‘What about Beth?’ he demanded.

‘She's gone to Amelie's for tea,’ said Sam. ‘But Gemma was supposed to come here from school. She said she'd rung you.’

The tug of worry became more intense. It was a couple of weeks before the clocks changed, but it was already getting dark.

‘Well, she didn't,’ Mark said. ‘I haven't had a text or a message at work. Nothing. Have you tried ringing her?’

‘Mobile's switched off,’ said Sam.

‘What about Shelly?’ Mark asked, trying to still the pounding of his heart. ‘Gemma's bound to be with her.’

‘I'll ring her now.’ Sam had the grace to look embarrassed. So
she bloody well should, thought Mark. It was all very well swanning off for the day to London, but she should have let him know what Gemma was up to. Mark wasn't prone to a vivid imagination, but he'd seen enough haunting pictures on the news over the years, of teenagers who'd gone missing, to know he didn't want to face that particular scenario.

Sam stood for a minute with her ear pressed to the phone.

‘Bugger, Shelly's switched hers off too,’ she said.

‘What is the point of them having mobile phones,’ muttered Mark. He hadn't been keen for Gemma to get one in the first place, worrying about it rotting her brain, but if she had to have one it would be useful if she turned the damned thing on.

At that moment Gemma and Shelly came strolling down the road, looking as if they didn't have a care in the world. Shelly quickly scarpered when she saw Sam and Mark. Some friend, thought Mark, to leave Gemma to face the music alone.

‘Where have you been?’ Sam shrieked at Gemma. Mark knew it was relief on her part, but he couldn't help thinking that if Sam had been more organised the situation wouldn't have arisen.

Gemma shrugged her shoulders and said, ‘Out with my mates.’

‘You were supposed to ring me,’ said Mark. He wasn't going to shout, but he had to make her see that she had to be more responsible.

‘Sorry,’ said Gemma. ‘I forgot.’

‘Forgot? Forgot?’ Sam was like a mad thing. ‘You stupid, stupid girl! Don't you realise how worried we‘ve been?’

‘I knew I was all right,’ said Gemma, which, from her point of view, was probably a reasonable position to take.

‘I don't think that's the point, though,’ Mark interjected. ‘We didn't. And you can't just go round lying to your mum and saying you're coming here when you haven't even told me.’

‘Keep out of this, Mark,’ hissed Sam.

‘I'm only trying to help,’ he protested.

‘Well don't help!’ said Sam. ‘She's only like this because of you.’

‘What?’ The unfairness of the accusation hit Mark hard.

‘Imagine what it must have done to her to see you in the papers like that,’ said Sam in a loud whisper. ‘She's been bunking off school ever since.’

‘Hang on,’ said Mark. ‘Since when has Gemma been bunking off school?’

‘Since you were splashed all over the Sunday papers,’ said Sam.

‘Earth to parents,’ said Gemma. ‘Hello, I do exist.’

‘Have you been bunking off school?’ Mark couldn't decide who he was more furious with: Gemma for bunking, or Sam for not telling him.

‘S‘pose.’ Gemma looked down at the floor and stubbed her toe.

‘The answer I was looking for was either yes or no,’ said Mark.

‘Yes, then,’ spat out Gemma defiantly.

‘May I ask why?’

There was no response.

‘Don't badger her,’ said Sam, siding with her daughter now she clearly felt that Mark was getting at her. No wonder Gemma was so badly behaved. Between them they'd ensured she'd spent thirteen years with totally inconsistent parenting.

‘I wasn't,’ said Mark, ‘I was merely asking why Gemma thinks she's got something so much more important to do than go to school?’

‘It's boring,’ said Gemma.

‘Yes, I'm sure it is,’ said Mark. ‘I find work boring too, but I have to go, otherwise you wouldn't have any money to waste down the shops with your friends. That is not a good enough reason to take time off.’

‘Oh do stop bullying her,’ Sam said. ‘I'm sure she's got the picture by now. We‘ve got to go, Amelie's mum will be waiting for us.’

Mark waved them off with a heavy sigh. He felt sure there was something more bothering Gemma. She clearly wasn't talking to Sam about it. He wished she felt able to confide in him.

‘
Why can't you seeeeee … Seee … You're the only girl for meeee … Meee
…’

The dulcet tones of We Five were filling the small exclusive arena where they were launching their first tour.