Strings Attached (3 page)

He let the silence hang there stiffly, frozen clothes on a line. I looked down at the carpet. The pretty carpet that wasn’t mine, that I really didn’t have a right to dig my bare toes into.

“I haven’t sent it yet,” I said. “It’s not so easy. I can’t find the words.”

“Tell him you’re here. He’ll have to leave soon, before he’s shipped out. If you don’t mail it now, he won’t come.”

But I don’t know if I want him to come.

Inside me lived a million versions of yes — all of them for Billy. Part of me couldn’t refuse him anything. Part of me was scared of him. But all of me loved him.

I didn’t say yes and I didn’t say no. Quietly, I put down the phone.

 

It wasn’t until the next week, tired and worn out after the final performance of
That Girl From Scranton!,
that I sat down at the table again, in my stage makeup and robe. It had turned cold again, and I had a blanket wrapped around me. It was one in the morning.

Dear Billy,
I don’t know what the right thing is. All I know is that it shouldn’t have ended like that. I felt the breath go out of me when I heard that you’d enlisted. I don’t think I’ve breathed since.

Here’s my news. I left, too. I dropped out of school. (My teachers probably threw a party.) I moved to New York City. It was hard at first, but I actually got a job in a Broadway musical! Now I have a nice apartment on the East Side. I can walk to Times Square or the river. I’m right near the new United Nations headquarters.

Everything we talked about — I’m living it. I’m still not sure whether talking about it was better.
Love,
Kit

 

I added my phone number and address, then put my coat on over my nightgown. I walked to the corner and mailed the letter that night, afraid that if I waited, I would tear it up.

Three

 

Providence, Rhode Island
September 1950

Jamie didn’t come home that night. Da was furious. He banged on my door and asked me where my brother was and I said I didn’t know. Muddie looked over at me, scared, and I only shrugged. I hadn’t confided in my sister since I was four years old. I’d learned the hard way that whatever I’d done or felt would be too big for Muddie to hold, like an overstuffed grocery sack that kept spilling oranges. Only it would be my secrets dropping to the floor.

My face in the mirror looked wrecked. I had cried so hard that my eyes were swollen. I had gotten sick last night in the parking lot. One of the waiters had brought me a napkin dunked in ice water to clean my face.

I didn’t know how I would get dressed and go through this day.

Last night, Jeff Toland had come to, foggy and still drunk and lying flat out on the rainy pavement. Sammy and the waiters helped him into the kitchen. He kept asking for a doctor, or for the cops, and they kept saying they’d called them, but they hadn’t yet. They were putting ice on his nose while he threatened to sue the entire city of Providence.

Nate arrived as Jeff was sipping Scotch for the pain. He came with two big men I didn’t recognize, who took Jeff’s agent off to sit at the bar. Nate and Jeff sat talking in the kitchen, and I knew everything would be all right when Nate put his arm around Jeff’s shoulder.

“What happened with your brother last night?” Da asked me when I finally had to come out and face him. My father was a mild man, but when he was in a temper, you didn’t want to be near him.

Muddie hovered in the background, already dressed for church in her blue skirt and white sweater, her strawberry blond hair brushed and shining. Out of all of us, she was the only one who still thought missing Mass was a mortal sin.

I didn’t say anything, but Da closed his eyes and sighed. “I told you that no good would come of it. You’ve cried so many tears for that boy, it’s a wonder we don’t have a fourth ocean.”

“Sixth,” Muddie said.

“Oh, please, just leave me alone, the both of you,” I said.

“Listen, Kitty girl, I’ve left you alone, and look what’s happened. You get your heart broken, just like —”

The pounding on the door startled us all. Da swiveled. “Is that him?”

“How should I know?”

“Open the door, Muddie,” Da said.

Muddie crossed slowly in her stocking feet and opened the door. Nate Benedict strode in, hatless, his face red.

“It’s on your head, Jimmy!” he shouted. “It’s on your head, I’m telling you. It’s your fault they did it.”

“Did what?” Da turned his guileless blue gaze on Nate. “What are you talking about? I don’t know anything except
my daughter’s crying her eyes out for your boy, and it’s not the first time, either.”

“They enlisted. Billy and Jamie. Last night.”

This was not what any of us were expecting to hear.

“Jamie’s underage —” Da started.

“Well, apparently he was able to convince them he’s nineteen.” Nate shook his finger at Da. “This is his fault. It’s your pansy of a son, wanting to be around other boys, and dragging my Billy along …”

For a moment, we all stood staring at Nate, as though if we tried hard enough we’d be able to read his words in the air and have them make sense. Confused, Muddie looked at me. I shook my head, not understanding, either. Jamie? He was saying that Jamie … I couldn’t get my mind around what he was saying. Jamie wasn’t one of those milquetoasts from school. He was strong and big and athletic.

Da’s skin was mottled. “Get out of my house! You can’t be saying that about my boy!” Da started toward Nate, furious, and got his hands on his lapels. Smaller than Nate, not nearly as strong, he was still able to shove him back toward the door.

“Open your eyes! Your boy has corrupted him! He doesn’t know what he’s doing!”

“My boy has corrupted
yours
?”

“I can’t get him out of this, do you understand? He’s lost.” Nate was in the doorway now, staring at us blindly. “I’ve lost my boy!”

Da pushed him out the door and shut it. Then he sagged against it. He seemed to be gathering himself for the simple act of breathing. Eventually, he looked up and met my eyes.

“What do you know about this?” he asked.

“About what? I don’t understand.”

“He’s saying that … your brother” — Da seemed to have to force the words out — “is unnatural.”

“It’s stupid,” I said. “Jamie is Billy’s best friend. That’s all.”

Muddie, pale and trembling, backed up against the wall. “It was a terrible thing to say. We should pray.”

“Go ahead and pray — it won’t change anything,” I said. “Da, I don’t know what he meant. Billy and I had a fight last night. I sent Jamie after him to help him. They’re pals, they’re friends — you know that.”

“So there’s nothing in it.”

“Of course not. Billy’s in love with me! Mr. Benedict is just crazy, and he’s taking it out on Jamie. Did you hear what he said? They
enlisted.
You have to go and tell the army he’s only seventeen. You can get him out. Go to the enlistment office and tell them. You can fix this for Jamie.”

Da didn’t nod, or say a word. It was like he didn’t hear me. He went off to sit at the kitchen table.

“What are we going to do?” Muddie whispered.

“It’ll come out all right in the end,” I said. “We’ll straighten it out, and Jamie will come home.”

“Did you break up with Billy? Oh, Kit. And you were going to marry him!”

I didn’t want to see Muddie’s tears. I went back to my room and dressed quickly, pulling clothes out of the closet without looking at them. When I returned, Da was sitting at the table, hands clasped around a mug of tea. I filled the kettle and put it back on the burner. My thoughts clattered and clanged inside my head, slamming against my worry for Jamie and my anguish over Billy.

The front door opened and closed. I hurried out of the kitchen. Jamie leaned against the door, dressed in the same clothes as the night before. He looked exhausted and pale.
His tie flapped from his pocket. When he saw me, he shrugged in a helpless way.

“Nate was here and told us you enlisted,” I said. “Is it true?”

He swallowed. “I couldn’t let him do it alone.”

And there were the eyes of my brother, that same honest blue. I couldn’t imagine him in a uniform. I couldn’t imagine him with a gun.

“We’ll get you out of this. You’re only seventeen.”

He didn’t say he didn’t want to get out of it, and that gave me hope.

“Why?” I asked. “Why did you do it?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” he said. “Get away from everything.”

“What do you have to get away from? What, damn you? I’m the one with the broken heart!”

We stood in the dim light, staring at each other. There was a red crease across Jamie’s cheek, as if he’d slept on something that had pressed against his skin. He rubbed it slowly. “And you’re the only one, aren’t you?” he said.

“You mean Billy? It seems like he can take care of himself. How could you let him do that, Jamie? You could have stopped him!”

“How?” Jamie asked. He smiled without any humor in his eyes. “Maybe I just don’t have your charms, Kit.”

It was a nasty crack, even though I wasn’t sure what he meant. I nearly pounced on him, just like I would when we were kids, fighting over marbles.

I don’t know what would have happened if Da hadn’t stamped out from the kitchen and barreled down on us.

“How could you do this?” he bellowed.

Jamie looked down at his feet.

“From the time you were a boy, you were like a soft day — all mist,” Da went on. “Delia used to say, spend more time with the boy, he’s with his sisters too much. I guess I should have. Too busy with work and worry. And now I reap what I’ve sown. I never knew what to make of you. Well, now you’ll make something of yourself.”

“What are you talking about, Da?” I asked. “You’re going to get him out of it.”

“He’s claimed his manhood,” Da said. “May it make him a man. Let him pack his suitcase and go.”

“No!” I shouted.

Jamie shook his head hard, back and forth, back and forth, as if to drive out what he heard behind Da’s words. Then he turned around and went to pack. Da stood over him, his arms folded, watching until the suitcase closed. Then he shook his hand and told him good-bye.

 

He left a note for me.

Kit,
Sorry for all.
J

 

As if he didn’t even have the heart to sign his whole name.

I knew Billy was gone when I read his name in the paper along with Jamie’s and all the others who had joined up to fight in Korea to defeat the Communists.

Also in the paper, in a gossip column about Hollywood, I saw this:

We hear … that Jeff Toland is back in Hollywood and raring to go after his automobile accident on Cape Cod this fall. Don’t worry, girls, that gorgeous profile is still intact! Word is he’s inking a new contract with Paramount and in talks for the lead role of Harry Manning in “Manning Makes Good.”

 

Is that what Nate could do? Reach all the way to Hollywood and get Jeff a job? How many favors had he called in for that?

 

My last argument with Da had us standing toe-to-toe, screaming into each other’s faces.

“Let them make a man of him, let the army do it. God knows I couldn’t!” Da yelled, his face beet red with anger. “And you — no more working in nightclubs. What was I thinking, allowing that? No, from now on, it’s home after school and studying like a regular girl. I’ve lost control of this household. Thank the Lord that Muddie has a head on her shoulders.”

“That’s no thanks to you,” I said. “You didn’t raise us. We just lived in the same house as you.”

“I did the best I could —”

“The best you could. Delia was right — you lived off us and you lived off her.”

The words were out and I couldn’t take them back. Da turned away.

I went on. “So now you want to catch up, prove you’re a good father? You’re going to let Jamie go to war just for
that?” I hurled the words down the hall. “Well, say a prayer for yourself, Da. You just might have killed him!”

That afternoon I made my plans. Ironed my blouses. Packed my suitcase. Muddie begged me to stay, with tears in her eyes, and I told her I’d write, that I would be leaving when I graduated anyway, and she was the smart one, so why should I stay just for a diploma? She brought in her blue chiffon scarf and put it in my suitcase and then ran back out to the hall so I couldn’t say no.

Every once in a while Da came and stood in the doorway, saying, “And don’t think you can come back!” and “You’ll be back once you realize how hard it is to keep a roof over your head!” and “Please, Kit, I can’t bear to lose you, too.”

I let him talk, and I didn’t answer. I was right there, and I was already gone.