Strong (9 page)

Chapter 9

Christmas is upon us. I want to spend every waking moment with Chase, but I know he has family commitments and so do I. After much planning and careful tiptoeing around everyone's feelings, we decide to spend Christmas Eve with his family, Christmas morning with my family, and then we will have the rest of the day to ourselves. My parents will be out of town, visiting family for the afternoon and won't be back until very late. My mom is less than happy that I won't be joining them, but my dad excused me from the obligation.

Chase and I will have to start talking about how our relationship will proceed when he returns to Madison to finish school. We both know it's coming, so we have to address it, whether we like it or not.

And I hate it.

I attend church with Chase and his family on Christmas Eve. At least ten Christmas trees adorn the altar. Deep red bows contrast with the healthy green of the trees. There must be twenty or thirty poinsettias positioned around the church. A gorgeous wooden stable is located to the right of the altar.  A delicate blue light shines down on the intricate statues of Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. The smoky smell of incense fills the air.

Several small children climb the steps in front of the altar. They are exquisitely dressed in suits and ties, lace, bows, and shiny black shoes. Their voices are off-key, but they still sing an adorable rendition of
Silent Night
.

The entire scene is somewhat overwhelming. My senses are full and my heart is overflowing. My eyes get a little watery.  Chase leans in and whispers, “What's wrong, Katie?”

“Nothing, Chase. Everything is perfect.” I squeeze his hand and he sneaks a quick kiss to my temple.

After church, we gather around the fireplace at the Nichols' cabin. Oma had made several different kinds of Christmas cookies. She insists that I try one of everything. I think she's still trying to get me to gain weight.

Christmas morning is delightfully snowy, but not too cold. Chase arrives at our house laden in snowflakes.  I remember the way they had melted in his hair at the diner. This time I flick them out of his brown waves, just to have an excuse to touch him.

The service at my church is quite different than the Mass we attended last night. Our church isn't decorated nearly as much, but the atmosphere is still warm and festive. I've grown up in this church; it still feels like home to me.

I am both grateful for my upcoming time with Chase, but also tortured to know his days with me are coming to a close. We are just playing house for the day, not together in our own place, and with no plans for me to return to Madison with him.

I had originally planned to cook a big Christmas dinner with all the trimmings, but I had decided a few days ago that I would rather spend my afternoon with Chase than spending hours making sure the turkey doesn't dry out. We agreed to order in from the best (and only, as far as I know) Chinese restaurant in the Western Upper Peninsula that will be open on Christmas Day.

Once we've said good-bye to my family, we lock the door and start a fire in the fireplace. “Would you like some wine?” I ask.

“
Well, from what I remember, you're not old enough to drink,” he teases me with a wink.

I pour the wine anyway and bring him a glass. Then I bring the bottle over to where we are sitting.  We sit quietly for a long time, content to just be together, neither of us feeling that we have to fill up the space with words.

After our second, or maybe third glass of wine, Chase pulls out a small box that has been hiding far behind the Christmas tree. We had already exchanged gifts while my family was still here, so I am completely surprised by the box that he places in my hands.

I open the treasure very carefully. I gasp when I lay my eyes on the delicate Celtic cross necklace from the antique shop. I look at Chase and I whisper, “I love it.” I look back down at the curves of the beautiful design and then back at him. “You didn't have to give me anything, but I love it.  I love
you.
”

I press a bit further, “I saw how much it cost. Chase, you're in college and going to med school next year. You really shouldn't have.” I can't help but go on and on about the beautiful piece of jewelry in front of me.

“I had been considering a pretty diamond necklace, but when you fell in love with that, I knew you had to have it. And, um, as far as the money...there was a settlement from my accident. We were hit by another driver....”

I can tell the subject is difficult for him. 

“I don't care about the money, but as long as I have it, I want to use it for something special.” He takes my hand and says, “Besides, when I give you a diamond, it will be a ring.”

My heart leaps with excitement at his words.

I place the necklace carefully on the table next to us and wrap both of my arms around his neck. I find his lips warm and waiting. I plan to give him a
thank you
kiss, but it turns into an
I love you
kiss.  He puts one arm around my waist and the other slides up into my hair. He presses his lips harder into mine and gradually opens them to kiss me more intensely. I'm sure that lightning bolts have struck me because I feel small tingles all the way up the middle of my body and into my chest. My heart is beating fiercely as I pull him closer and tighter.

Our
I love you
kiss turns into an
I want you
kiss.  One that becomes overly passionate as we lie down on the couch. We find it hard to restrain ourselves since we are alone for once, and we know that we belong together.

He stops kissing me, slowly sits up and whispers, “I want you, Katie.” My heart pounds uncontrollably. “We could just let it happen right here, right now.  But I want to wait.” My heart seems to stop as I anticipate what he's going to say. 
What do you want to wait for, Chase?
I ask in my mind.  He has already said he would buy me a ring, but I want to hear him say more.

Chase continues almost painfully, “I want to wait until you are my wife.” My heart practically jumps out of my chest. I'm thrilled at his words, but I feel completely torn because I want to pull him back to me and not give a second thought to our actions. However, the more sensible part of me, the more
real
part of me tells me that I want to wait, too. It will be difficult to pull away now. It will be difficult to wait. But I know in my heart that it's what we both want.

And I know that waiting is the right thing to do.

Chase grabs his crutches and pulls himself up. He holds a hand out to me and helps me to stand up, too. “I love you, Katie, and I want to do this the right way. Okay?”

“
I do, too,” I agree.

We decide to order some food to take our mind off of what just happened. Off of how much we still want each other.

“Let's put the wine away,” I suggest with a laugh.

After we've stuffed ourselves full of Chinese food, we move back to the couch and sit on opposite ends for the time being.  I decide to bite the bullet. “So, we
are
thinking the same thing, right?”

Chase greets my question with a look of confusion and I respond, “We're heading towards marriage, right?”

He grins that dimpled smile that I love so much. “Yes.”  And then he asks, “Didn't I make that obvious a little while ago? More than once???”

“
Yes, I guess you did!” I agree with a loud laugh.

“
So, what are we going to do when you go back to college, back home? You've only been here a month. I keep forgetting you don't live here. It breaks my heart when I think about you leaving. Please tell me you have a plan.” I plead with him.

I'm hoping for a Cinderella moment. That he will tell me that we are to be wed tomorrow, and that we will live happily ever after in his castle.

However, I know that life isn't as easy as a fairy tale.

He is quiet for a moment and then admits with a sigh, “I don't know, Katie.” I now love the sound of my nickname from his lips. “This has all happened so fast that I don't have a plan yet. But whatever my future holds, you will be part of it. You have to believe that.”

I believe him with all my heart.

“
I know that God has a plan for
us
. I know that it was His purpose for me to find you, for us to find each other.” I'm awed by the conviction he seems to have about the direction for his life, about God orchestrating it for him.

I am especially moved that he thinks God
wants
us to be together. The same thought had crossed my mind, more than once, that we were made for each other. But there was always the nagging fear that maybe I was over-romanticizing the situation. Not anymore. I believe as firmly as Chase does that we were meant to be together.

I decide to change the subject with a question that has been on my mind since the dinner at Chase's cabin. “So, what your mom said about you not being able to have children...is that true?”

“The doctors did say that it was a possibility. Any time there's a spine injury, it can affect fertility and other bodily functions. But since I haven't had any
bathroom
issues, they think it's quite likely that I won't have any problems fathering children. But we won't know for sure until we try.”

We
.  As in, the two of us, having children together.

“
Will that change your mind?”  He wonders. “I mean, having kids is a big deal. I don't want you to marry me and then find out that I can't give you – us – children.”

“
Well, I want children. I want
your
children.” Saying it out loud sounds a bit radical. “But if for some reason that can't happen, I still want to be with you. You are the love of my life, Chase. I'll never find another
you
.”

After another long and passionate kiss, Chase reluctantly decides to leave. We had toyed with the idea of having him spend the night. Maybe even sharing the same bed, just for sleeping, of course. But after what had happened earlier – or
almost
happened – we decide together that he should go home for the night.

Saying good-bye is excruciating. Chase pulls me into one last tight hug and whispers in my ear, “It won't be long before we won't have to say good-bye anymore.”

I wish I could believe him, but it feels like it will be forever.

Chapter 10

I have enlisted Fiona to take my remaining shifts on the trolley, which she is more than happy to do.  I want to spend every available moment with Chase before he leaves.

Unfortunately, even the best laid plans don't always turn out the way we want them to. I get a text early on the morning of December 26. Chase is brief, but it sounds serious. 
We need to talk NOW. On my way over.

He appears at my door not even ten minutes later. I greet him with a giant kiss and try to play down my swelling emotions. “What's so urgent that you had to drag me out of bed?”

“Let's sit down, Katie.” The sober tone in his voice puts me on high alert.  My heart starts beating rapidly as fear rises in my throat.

My anxiety is immediately apparent to Chase. He takes my hand gently and says, “It's going to be okay, Katie.
Really.
”

But then he launches into the most frightening thing I've ever heard. “I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to Madison. I've been accepted for an experimental treatment at the UW Spine Center. We applied a long time ago and we just assumed that I wasn't being considered any more since my injury happened so long ago. But this particular trial is for patients who have been living with a spinal cord injury for several years.”

“Is it surgery?  You're going to have surgery?” I ask. “I thought you were fine with the way you are. With these,” I say, gesturing to his crutches. “You move around so well and you've adjusted to your life now, right?”

“
Katie,” he says with excitement in his voice, “I could walk again. It's not a sure thing, but it's a possibility.  Can you imagine? I might be able to
walk
!”

I realize how selfish my fear must make me sound. Of course I want him to walk, to be completely recovered from that horrible accident.

But I also know that my fear is not irrational.

“
What are the risks, Chase?”

“
Well, it might not work, you know?  It's experimental, so it could just
not work
. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I
have
accepted the way I am now, but don't you want me to at least
try
? To at least have a chance to get better?”

“
Of course I do,” I agree. “But you're not telling me everything. This is spinal surgery.  I know it has to be dangerous.  What else, Chase?  What are the other risks?”

“
Well, it could make me worse. The spine is very intricate. Even the best surgeons and researchers can't predict every possible complication. I have to sign papers, saying-”

“
Saying what, exactly?” I'm on the verge of becoming hysterical. “Does the waiver say that you'll be okay if you're paralyzed. Or that
I'll
be OK if you
die
? Because I won't be okay, Chase! I won't be okay with that!” I get up and pace frantically around the room, wanting to run away from this conversation.

“
There's a very small chance of paralysis, but yeah, that's what the form says. I'm voluntarily letting them experiment on my spine.” He finishes with a whisper. “I mean, they have to take the normal precautions that they do for any surgery. But there are risks that are specified, built into the contract.” He looks back at me and his voice strengthens. “I'm not scared, Katie.”

“
Well you might not be scared, but I am terrified!” I realize that I'm yelling, but I can't help it.  “Yesterday we were talking about getting married, and that I can barely handle having you leave to go back to college. How do you think I feel now that you could
die
?” I break down into uncontrollable sobs.

Chase comes to me and lets both of his crutches drop. He steadies himself against the back of the couch and wraps both arms around me, holding me tight. He whispers, “I'm not going to die, Katie. I promise,” he adds a little laugh.  I know he's trying to lighten the situation, but I am still terrified.

Apparently my breakdown has awakened the entire house. My dad walks in cautiously and asks, “Is everything all right?”

I pull away from Chase slightly and quietly tell my dad, “Chase is having surgery...tomorrow.” More tears begin rolling down my cheeks.

“Well, sir, the surgery is not tomorrow, actually. I'm checking in tomorrow so that they can do some tests before the actual procedure. It's an experimental trial that my parents and I applied for a long time ago. They just called us last night to confirm my participation. Can you believe they called on Christmas?” Chase looks hesitantly at me and then back at my dad. “We actually spoke with them about a week ago, when they first contacted us about the possibility.”

Chase turns back toward me, “I didn't want to tell you until I knew for sure.  I didn't want you to worry about me.”

This triggers another round of sobbing. My dad comes over and puts his arms around both of us. “This must be really scary for you, Kate. But it sounds like a promising opportunity for Chase. I think you know that, honey. He will be fine, Kate, just fine.”

I slowly pull away and retrieve Chase's crutches. “Leave it to the two men that I love the most to conspire against me,” I try to smile and give my dad a kiss on the cheek.

“What about college?” I ask Chase. “Aren't you supposed to finish this spring?”

Chase nods. “I will have to postpone my last semester until I've recovered from the surgery. I will have to finish in the fall. Or in the summer, if I'm up to it.”

“Will you come and help me pack?” He finally asks.

I sit on his bed all afternoon and fold the items he places next to his suitcase. He laughs a little when he catches me smelling his t-shirts.

“What?” I laugh. “You smell good! I might just keep one of these to help me get through this hell.”

He laughs and gestures toward me as if to say, “Be my guest.”

I grab the t-shirt and stuff it into my purse. He breaks out in laughter and I can't help but join him. 

He leans over to give me a squeeze and tells me he loves me...again.

Chase's bags are all packed, but I can't bring myself to leave just yet. He knows it, too. He pulls me into another firm hug and whispers, “Please stay with me tonight.  Just to sleep, nothing more.”

I don't even think twice before saying yes, but then another question enters my mind, “What will our parents think?”

“They know I love you,” he says softly “ And that I
need
you,” he breathes.

I close my eyes and let that realization sink in,
Chase needs me
. He needs me to stand by him, to be courageous just as he has been, to support him no matter what.

On Christmas, we had decided that it wasn't a good idea for us to share the same bed. I know that we're still planning to wait until we're married to become physically intimate. But the game has suddenly changed. We don't want each other in that way right now. We just need to be close to each other.

After a quick dinner, we get ready for bed.  I send a quick text to my sister,
Staying with Chase 2nite; don't worry :) Tell Mom I'll be good.

Chase offers me an oversized t-shirt and some shorts to sleep in. He finds a new toothbrush in the medicine cabinet and hands it to me. He grabs a hairbrush and takes it back into the bedroom. As I climb into the bed, Chase gently brushes my hair.

“Katie,” he smiles and kisses me.  He pulls me down onto the pillows, pulls the comforter over us and turns out the light. I don't want to go to sleep. I just want to stay awake all night and feel Chase's arms wrapped around me. I want to forget that he's leaving in just a few hours. But I'm exhausted from the emotions of the day.

As I drift off, I tell Chase, “Don't let me go.”

“Not a chance.”

Morning comes too soon. Chase and I eat a quick and quiet breakfast together. We linger for as long as possible while his parents pack the car. 

“
I can't do this,” my voice cracks.

“
Katie,” he caresses my hair and then pulls my face close to his. “This will all be over in a few weeks. Then we can make some real plans for our future together.”

I smile for a moment, through the tears that are falling freely again, and I whisper, “I'm so scared.”

He whispers right back into my ear, “Don't be afraid.  I'll be fine, I promise. Remember how Scarlett prayed for me after my accident?”

I nod.

“She will be praying for me again. And I'll be praying for you.”

I notice that Chase's eyes are brimming over with tears as well. Something tells me that he's not crying because he's afraid.

It's because he loves me.