Strong (11 page)

I'm a little taken aback at my dad's suggestion. I don't want to wait any longer than necessary to get married. But as always, I trust my dad. I tell him that I will consider it.

I've had two days to ride my engagement high, but the gravity of Chase's impending surgery is quickly pulling me back to earth. It's scheduled for tomorrow morning at 5:00.

We spend hours video chatting. I leave it on while I'm doing dishes and getting ready for bed, and I almost forget to turn the camera away as I change into my pajamas. Chase laughs for a long time about that. Finally, we have to say good-night. He has to get some rest, and I do, too, although I'm sure I won't sleep at all. Before we say our last good-bye, Chase tells me to get a pen and paper so I can write something down. I grab something off my desk and look at him, telling him I'm ready.

“
I want you to read this if you get scared when I'm in surgery or in recovery. I love you and I promise that everything will be okay. It's Romans 8:28-38. When you read it, just know that God loves you so much more than I could ever possibly love you. And I love you more than I can ever express.”

My heart feels warm at his words. I jot down the citation. Then I muster all the courage and sincerity I can and look him straight in the eye, the best I can over an internet connection. I tell him, “I love you, Chase. You'll be fine.” I say it more to convince myself than him. “I'll be there first thing on Saturday. I love you
so much
!” I disconnect just as soon as he blows me a kiss.

I fear that I might spend the entire night crying if I don't distract myself. I enlist Fiona to stay up with me for a movie marathon in my room. We set my laptop on my desk and snuggle into my bed with a box full of donuts. I think we eventually doze off during the third sappy chick flick, or maybe the fourth.

I am awakened by the buzzing of my phone. 11:00 AM? Chase has been in surgery for six hours already.
I can't believe I slept this long!
I grab my phone in time to see Mrs. Nichols' name on the caller ID. “Hello?” I practically yell, afraid she will hang up after waiting so long for me to answer. “Hello, this is Kate.”

Mrs. Nichols is indeed on the other end, but her voice is very soft and shaky. I can tell she's been crying. I listen hard through her sniffles and occasional sobs. Fiona wakes up and snakes her arm around me as I try to decipher Mrs. Nichols' words.

I can only make out one sentence...

Chase's heart stopped during the surgery.

Chapter 12

I draw in a huge breath.

And then I run to the trash can to vomit.

Fiona grabs my phone and listens intently. She covers the mouthpiece for a moment and yells for Mom and Dad.

Everything around me has turned into a buzzing sound. The room is spinning and I can't hear anything but those horrible words.

Chase's heart stopped.

He can't be dead.

I start whimpering, “He can't be dead, he can't be dead.”

I'm shaking uncontrollably. Just as I'm about to start screaming, my Dad grabs my shoulders firmly and forces me to look at him. “Kate! Listen to me! Chase is alive, honey. He's alive, okay? He's alive. He's alive.” He says it over and over until my heart rate begins to slow and I absorb the words. I slowly collapse into my dad's chest.

Chase is alive.

That's all I need to know.

“Why was his mom so upset?” I manage.

My dad takes a deep breath and begins, “Chase
is
alive. The doctors revived him, but he hasn't awakened from his surgery yet. They won't know if he has any brain damage until he wakes up.” My dad pauses, but I know he still has more to say.

“
Dad?” I urge quietly.

He completes his report in the gentlest voice possible, “
If
he wakes up.”

I feel another wave of nausea and pull the trash can closer to me. I feel the room spinning out of control again and the buzzing sound is back.

In that moment, I remember what Chase had said to me about courage.  I close my eyes and remember his voice, “
I don't think anyone has the courage before they're faced with the decision to either move forward or give up. You can't do it half-heartedly
.”

I decide, then and there, not to let fear take over. I'm going to move forward knowing that my future husband is still alive. That's the only thing I know for sure. I won't know anything else until I get there. 

“Daddy,” I whisper. “I need to be with him. I need to go
right now!
” I jump up and frantically start searching, “I need the keys to my truck. Where did I leave my stupid keys???”

“
Katherine,” my mom says in a stern voice. “You aren't going alone.  I will help you pack and then we'll figure something out.” Before I know what's happening, my mom has left the room and come back with a small suitcase. She opens my closet and begins folding clothes to put into it. She turns back to me and calmly says, “Go take a shower, honey.”

I grab my jeans from last night, a fresh shirt and undergarments and head to the bathroom. The hot water feels so good that I almost forget that I'm in a hurry. I finish quickly and decide that I won't even dry my hair. I can let it dry in the truck and put it into a ponytail when I get there. I just need to get to Chase.

As I emerge from the bathroom, my mom hands me my suitcase. “Daddy is going to drive you to Madison. He took a few vacation days from work. He's waiting downstairs.”

My heart swells as I squeeze her. “I love you, Mama,” I say, using my childhood name for her.  “Thanks.  I know...I'm....” I want to tell her how much I appreciate her unconditional support.

“I know, honey. Just go and be with Chase.” My mom smiles as she gives me a peck on the cheek.

My dad hands me a travel mug full of steaming coffee and then we hit the road.

I fall into a blessed sleep in the car. I wake up just an hour outside of Madison. There is a thick layer of sparkling snow covering the fields, but the sun is very bright. I can hardly open my eyes to the brilliant shock of white around me. 

Madison is a charming city. I imagine that, if Chase had taken me here to visit his hometown, we would have gone to visit the capitol and the downtown destinations. I close my eyes and imagine us standing on the shore of one of the lakes that flanks the city. Chase slips his arms around my waist from behind me and kisses me on the cheek. We enjoy the brightness of the day together.

My reverie comes to an abrupt halt when Dad announces, “We're here.”

I hastily brush my hair into a ponytail, apply makeup, freshen up my lip gloss. “I guess none of this really matters, does it, Daddy?” I laugh as I realize that Chase won't care what I look like. Then I swallow hard when I realize that he might not even be able to see what I look like. He might not even know I'm there.

As if he's reading my thoughts, my dad says, “He'll know you're here for him, honey.”

Chase is covered from head to toe in bandages and wires. His beautiful chocolate brown hair is hidden under a surgical cap. He is asleep –
hopefully
, he is just asleep. But he
is
alive and I rush to his side. I find his ear hidden under the cap and I whisper, “Chase. I'm here. I love you and I'm here and I'm not leaving until you wake up.”

Mrs. Nichols is asleep in one of two small but comfy-looking recliners that are smashed into the corner of Chase's tiny room. She has a small blanket over her shoulders. There is also a blanket along with a few small pillows in the other chair. Around the chairs, I see water bottles, miscellaneous food wrappers, and the tiny trash can is overflowing with used Kleenex. I wonder where Dr. Nichols is. I'm sure he hasn't gone far.

I decide not to wake Chase's mom. I very cautiously climb onto the very edge of the bed and lay my head on his shoulder, being careful not to disrupt any of his tubes. I don't care what the doctors or nurses think. He has to know I'm here, and I'm not leaving his side until he wakes up.

I eventually drift off knowing I am as close to Chase as possible.

It must be a few hours later when I wake up, still snuggled up to his shoulder. Someone has put a blanket over me – apparently, they don't mind me sharing his bed. I slowly look around and catch Mrs. Nichols' small smile.

“
Hello, Kate,” she says warmly. She comes to kiss me on the forehead. I'm overwhelmed with emotion when she says, “I'm glad you're here for Chase.”

Dr. Nichols soon enters the room. He simply nods and sits down.

I don't make any attempt to move from my position as he resumes his vigil in the recliner. I can't find the courage yet to ask about his condition. Part of me desperately wants to know when he is going to wake up. The other part of me is content to know nothing at all. I close my eyes and try to drift off, hoping I will not wake up again until Chase does.

Only a short time later, a young doctor enters the room and begins talking with Chase's parents. I wake up, smooth down my hair and clothes and get down off the bed so that I can make my presence known.  Dr. Carbondale acknowledges me a few moments later, “You must be Katie.”

“It's Kate, actually,” I say shyly. “Only Chase calls me Katie.”

“
Well, I'm glad you're here, Kate. It's very important that you know what is happening, along with Chase's parents.” Dr. Nichols shifts uncomfortably, like he's trying to decide if he should address the doctor's bold assumption. Maybe he wants to tell him that I'm not part of the family, but I know for a fact that Chase wants me to be included on every bit of information about his condition.

They haven't seen the ring yet. I decide that this isn't the best time to tell them.

Dr. Carbondale looks at me and continues, “I've told Chase's parents that he is in a coma.” My heart falls into my stomach and I have to push back the nausea. I suspected that was the case, but to hear it said out loud is shocking. I bite my lip as he goes on. “He has been unresponsive, but the neurologist will do some more testing in a bit to determine the severity of his coma. So, this means that for now, he is unconscious, but not necessarily unaware. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that he has some understanding of what is going on around him.”

I am so intent on listening to the doctor that I barely notice my father entering the room. There is a heavy feeling in my chest as I try to wrap my mind around what the doctor is saying. Chase looks like he is sleeping. Why can't I just go over and wake him up? It doesn't seem possible that he's alive, but yet I'm not sure if I can connect with him. It's already starting to break my heart that he can't respond to me.

The doctor continues, “Chase is young and very healthy. I think there is a good chance he'll come out of this completely.”

I'm surprised at how young Dr. Carbondale is. He must have just finished medical school. I would surmise that he and Chase had hit it off not only as doctor and patient, but also as friends. After all, Chase was able to talk the doctor into letting him leave the hospital to propose to me. Maybe one day, when Chase is a doctor, they will be friends and colleagues and they will play golf together.

“So, he can hear me if I talk to him?  Does he know that I'm here?” I ask.

“
No one knows for sure, Kate. Most people who recover from a coma will say that they had some recognition of what was happening around them. I would say there is a very good chance that he can hear you.”

I bite back the tears for a moment longer, until the doctor leaves the room. When my dad comes to embrace me, they flow freely.

“Kate,” he says, voice cracking. “I'm sorry.  I told you everything would be okay. Chase is such a strong young man, I couldn't imagine something like this would ever happen.”

“
I know, Daddy,” I say squeezing him tight. “Thank you for getting me here.”

My dad slowly pulls away and moves to Chase's side. He stands for a long time, with his hand on Chase's arm and looking at him. He doesn't say anything.

Mrs. Nichols interrupts and suggests that her husband take us back to their house to get us settled.  When my father tells them he's already checked into a nearby hotel, Mrs. Nichols replies quietly, “Nonsense. You can stay with us. We have plenty of room.” She nods emphatically at her husband who seems to have no choice in the matter.

My dad agrees that staying with the Nichols will be a bit more comfortable than a hotel. “I can't stay long anyway. I will have to get back to work in a few days.”

“How did you get the time off so quickly, Daddy?” I ask.

“
I told them it was a family emergency,” he tells me quietly while hugging me once again. My heart feels a glimpse of happiness at his words. Chase
is
family now.

Dr. Nichols is embracing his wife firmly. He holds her for several minutes and then I hear him softly say, “He'll be fine. Chase is tough. He's a fighter.” He kisses her forehead. I haven't seen this tender side of him before. It surprises me to hear how strong he really thinks Chase is. “I'll be back soon. I'll get Ed settled and we'll bring some food when we come back.”

Our dads leave and Mrs. Nichols and I are alone again with Chase. I'm not really in the mood for conversation. I'm more nervous to tell Chase's dad about our engagement than telling his mom. I've spent some time pondering the incredibly awkward dinner at Chase's cabin, and I realized that his mom hadn't been trying to scare me away from a relationship with Chase. I think she knew right away that Chase and I had something special, like my dad did, so she was
preparing
me, in her own overbearing, over-zealous way. A bit bluntly, perhaps, but she wanted me to know all about Chase so that I could continue taking care of her son. Every time that I had seen her since then, she was always very inclusive and welcoming, like I was already part of their family.

However, I'm not ready to broach the subject of our engagement just yet.

I just cuddle back up next to Chase. I whisper in his ear, softly enough that his mom can't hear. “Hey, you heard the doctor. He said your condition isn't too bad, so I expect you to wake up and talk to me. We have a wedding to plan, you know, and I'm not doing it all by myself!”

Suddenly, I know exactly what I am going to do to keep myself from going crazy. I am going to start planning our wedding right away. I lay there for a bit, occasionally talking to him about my first impressions of Madison, about wedding ideas, about the last month we spent together, about the weather.

Soon, a very perky, curly-haired nurse comes in and introduces herself. “Hi, I'm Kellie. I will be Chase's nurse for the next 12 hours, so just let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“
Hi, Kellie.  I'm Chase's...fiancee.” It's the first time I've said it out loud.

It's the first time Mrs. Nichols has heard me say it as well. Her mouth drops open and I decide I will eventually have to try to explain why we hadn't told our parents right away. For now, I manage to stammer, “Ch..Chase and I got engaged.”

The look of shock remains on her face for a few moments and then she smiles. She wraps her arm around my shoulder and kisses my forehead. “We'll have to talk later,” she whispers.

She turns and introduces herself, “Hi Kellie, I'm Chase's mom, Carolyn.”

Kellie proceeds to check on Chase's vitals. She is so bubbly, that, in most situations, I would probably find her annoying. I'm sure she writes her name with a little heart dotting the
i
. However, she is just what we all need right now – a bright, cheerful voice to take care of him and to alleviate some of our anguish.