Stronger (21 page)

That night a knock wakes me from a nightmare of being beaten with a steel pipe. Sweat dampens my skin and my pulse is sprinting through my veins from the terror of the dream. There’s another knock on the door to my room, the one that leads to the hallway. I have no idea what time it is but I know it’s late. I trip over my own feet as I move to open the door in the darkness. Bryant is there, haloed by the light from the dim sconces on the wall behind him. He’s wearing the same frown he wore after asking how dangerous the mission was.

“Hey,” he says. He folds then unfolds his arms. “You up? Want to workout?”

“Bryant,” I say in a whisper. “What are you doing here?”

“I can’t sleep. I never can.” He taps his hands against his thighs. “I just needed to make sure you’re okay.”

“Is this because—”

“Partly. I, I just couldn’t sleep and wanted to see you. Can I talk to you? Out here?”

“Sure.” I grab the scratchy blanket off my bed and slip out into the hall. It’s empty and quiet. I know there are guards who patrol the area at night, but I can’t hear their footsteps on the polished cement floor. They must be in other areas.

Bryant settles beside me, using the wall as a backrest.

“What happens in your dreams?” I ask softly.

Even in the dim light of the hall I see the color drain from his face. “I hurt you. Over and over again.”

I rearrange myself so I’m facing him. In that moment I vow never to let him know of the nightmares I have of my time in captivity. “I’m all right, Bryant. You have to let it go.”

He yawns and closes his eyes. “I just had to make sure you weren’t hurt.”

I try to think of something that can help him heal but words fail me. When his soft snore lets me know he’s asleep, I know I won’t need them. At least not tonight. In sleep, the anxiety, confusion, and guilt in his features melt away and he reminds me of the Stretch I knew in childhood. I don’t have the heart to wake him but I decide to go back to bed. I’m almost to my feet when his eyes partly open. “Stay please.”

The plea again reminds me of the boy I knew. I nod and pull my blanket over me, lying down on the hard floor a few feet away from Bryant until I too fall asleep.

I hit the ground with a moan, the ceiling slithers like a nest of snakes. My hand goes to my head, pressing hard until the room stands still.

“You did that wrong,” Ty says with a laugh.

“You think? My plan was to end up on the ground wincing in pain.”

Bryant snorts. “Then you did it perfectly.”

I hold up my hand and my brother helps me up. Stretching and shaking out my arms doesn’t dull the pain. “Okay, what did I do wrong?”

After he explains why my attack didn’t work, I change my stance and work on my timing. When he’s finished, Bryant shows me how to improve my footwork and balance. At least here I’m not getting knives thrown at me like I do when I’m training with Uncle Charlie. Three more times I end up eating mat, slammed to the floor by Ty.

He scratches his head. “Bryant, I need you to stand in for me so I can see exactly what she’s doing wrong.”

“I don’t want to hit her again,” Bryant says. “It always feels wrong to hurt a girl.”

“It isn’t a girl. She’s my sister.”

I sneak a sucker punch into Ty’s ribs. “You saying I’m not a girl?”

He scowls at me. “Still my bratty little sister.”

I stick my tongue out at him. “He’s right, Bryant. Don’t worry about hitting me. I need to get better. Please.”

“I can’t hit you.”

“You had no problem doing it when I was being held captive.”

He scowls at me and Ty’s back goes rigid.

“Too soon?” I ask.

“I’ll never be able to joke about that. I hated hitting you then. But they ordered us to.” He throws his hands up in the air. “Back then I thought you were an alien and it still made me sick.”

Ty chugs some water. “If you really can’t do it, I’ll bring in someone else. I just liked the idea of it being someone I know. It’s what going to keep her alive.”

Bryant lets out a sigh. “Right. Okay, let’s do this.”

We go through the combination again slowly. It’s awkward because Ty keeps making us pause and I’m hyper aware of how close Bryant is. His chest rises and falls against my back, his heart beating fast. The pulse in Bryant’s wrist beats quickly beneath my grasp, his warm skin presses against mine. His breath stirs the loose hairs by my ear.

When Bryant’s hand skims across my bare stomach I suck in a ragged breath and Bryant’s hand twitches. Ty walks around repositioning my hands, and I should be listening but all I can think about is how close I am to Bryant and how much I’d like to turn around and kiss him.

I gulp and pull away. “Sorry. I need a moment.”

“Me, too,” Bryant says, sounding strained.

“Feeling that punch I gave you, huh?” My brother asks me.

Incapable of even offering a snappy comeback, I nod. I risk a glance at Bryant and he’s studying me, a weird expression on his face. When our eyes meet he doesn’t look away; instead he gives me a slow smile that has me pouring the water over my head. How am I supposed to train with him giving me looks like that?

We start again, but I’m so lost in my thoughts I catch Ty’s elbow on my chin as he spins around. I’m flat on my back again but at least the new pain stops me from thinking about Bryant.

After three weeks of agony I can finally lift four hundred pounds. It still isn’t easy but I can do it. My mom brings in carrier she designed and it’s surprisingly small. It’s more like a reinforced tank top with two pockets in the front and two in back

“That’s gonna fit the metal?” Ty asks.

“It’s very dense metal. In their lab, it’s formed into little rectangles that you’ll slide into the pockets.” She set the carrier on the table. “The material is really strong. It’ll hold the weight.”

Mom holds up the other thing she’d been carrying. It’s a parka-like jacket with the same four pockets, only these ones are huge. “For now we’re going to use this larger version I made that we can stuff with lead weights so you can practice.”

Ty and Bryant load up the parka’s pockets and help fit it onto my shoulders. I feel like my spine is going to collapse like an empty nutri-drink can getting stepped on. Yeah, okay, this is going to take some work. It takes another week before I can walk a lap with the carrier and then another for me to walk three miles. My dad still isn’t satisfied though. He insists I need to be able to run the three miles while wearing it. At full tilt. That takes yet another few weeks.

During this time, I enjoy evenings with my family, training with Vals who’ve served on the front lines, and spending time with Bryant. He’s still on his personal quest to make sure he’s his own man. Every day he discovers something new about himself and every day I listen to his insights, then tell him about my day. Each time he touches me, from passing me a water bottle, to teaching me a new move, to grazing my hand with his, I’m incredibly aware of it. Every time his fingers accidently touch mine it’s like getting a shot of adrenaline straight to my heart. He seems oblivious for the most part, except for a few smirks I’ve seen cross his face.

I’m not sure I’d have realized it if my life as a Deb hadn’t been so starved of human contact, or if I weren’t so hyper aware of him. And most night he ends up knocking on my door, waking me from own horrible dreams. Without a word I follow him into the hallway where we both fall asleep. It’s the happiest I’ve ever been.

The night before the mission I step outside the tunnels for a bit of fresh air, and to help center myself. I wander around the abandoned amusement park, deciding to follow the wooden slats of the rollercoaster to the car stopped at the peak. I push it a few times to make sure it’s not going to roll away with me and finally settle into a seat, leaning against the headrest and staring into the night sky. The purple stars twinkle in the vast dark mahogany of space, reminding me how small I am. Aside from our trip into orbit, I’d never seen such a big sky, so beautiful in it’s lack of hovering alien ships.

My hands keep shaking and my leg bounces up and down as I search out the constellations. So many things can go wrong and I’m the epicenter of this plan. I’m the only one who can do it.

The coaster track squeaks behind me and I spin toward it. I let out a puff of air. “Hey Bryant.”

He glances at the wooden slats. “Is this thing safe?”

“I honestly don’t know. What are you doing?”

“Thinking about tomorrow.”

“Still sore you aren’t coming?”

“Yeah, but I understand why.” He hops into the seat beside me and leans back on his elbows. “I keep thinking about all the Vals who might try and stop you tomorrow.”

“We’re packing tranqs. We’re not going to hurt them if we can avoid it.”

The corners of hips lips curl up. “I was more worried about them trying to kill you.”

I nudge him with my shoulder. “Aw, Stretch, do you care about me?”

He nudges me back. “Yeah.”

“So, in the process of discovering yourself you found out you care about me.”

He chuckles. “Something like that.” He sobers and tilts his head toward the sky. “You were the first person I cared about who died, you know? And now you’re alive and I might have to lose you all over again. It’s hard. I keep telling myself it wouldn’t be any different; I’d already thought you were dead before, and I survived. But now seeing who you turned out to be, well… it won’t be the same at all.”

“I can do this. Have a little faith in me.”

He sucks in some air and turns to me. “I do believe in you.”

“Good.”

We stare at each other for a few beats before I swivel my head back to the stars. He does the same.

“What do you want to do after we win?” he asks.

“I want to be with my family again. I want to be able to pick my own future.”

“Is it awful being a Deb?”

I roll my head so I can see him. “Yes and no. It’s all I’ve ever known, but it wasn’t easy, bouncing between being invisible one day and an easy target the next. Debs die so easily and no one cares when we die. I was at the oxygen leak. My friends died, and they were simply picked up and tossed aside in some mass grave somewhere. There was no beautiful funeral; they were discarded like trash. And I’m not used to being touched. The other Debs were too scared because germs passed so easily.”

Bryant’s hand resting beside mine moves and his pinky is interlocked with mine. My breath catches in my throat.

“Is this okay?” he asks, still casually studying the sky.

I mutely nod, not trusting my voice to sound steady.

Bryant grins.

“What about you? What’s different about your life?”

He turns his head, his cheek resting against the ripped padded headrest. “Freedom.”

“And what are you going to do with it?”

“I don’t know. I keep looking back on my life and I wonder what’s real? What were my own thoughts and what were theirs?”

“You’ll sort it out.”

“I guess. But it’s horrible to believe you were in love with someone, to the point you’d die for them, and then to discover you might not even like them. Or them you.”

I try to pull my hand away but he won’t let me.

“I want to know what’s real.” He lifts our entwined hands in the air. “This feels real, but is it?”

“I’m real,” I say.

“But is what I’m feeling for you real?”

My mouth goes dry. “And what are you feeling?”

This time
he
tries to pull away but I won’t let him.

“Things I probably shouldn’t. Things Ty would kill me for.” He rubs his thumb along my knuckles. “I’m confused now, so I don’t really trust my feelings. It’s probably best if I don’t trust them. I’m a mess right now.”

My stomach drops like an elevator and I shift away from him, taking my hand with me. He doesn’t fight this time.

“What I feel for you, well, it’s nothing compared to how I felt about Starburst. She was absolute perfection. She could do no wrong. She was the only thing I could think of.”

“Maybe that’s important to recognize, that no one is perfect.” I knock my shoulder against his. “Although I am pretty darn close.”

The edges of his mouth tremble into a smile.

I flip my hair over my shoulder and bat my lashes. “Plus, I’m pretty amazing now. It’s impossible not to like me.”

“You always were pretty amazing.” He stares into my eyes. “That hasn’t changed. If anything you’ve become even more…” he doesn’t finish the sentence.

The silence is tangible, filling the space between us with possibilities I’ve dreamed of for years, things I was almost afraid to want.

But I want more than possibilities. I want the dream. I take a deep breath and decide to be honest. “If you’re talking about the insane desire to want to kiss and hold you then, yeah, I feel it too.”

He scoots closer to me, so near I can smell the minty sweetness of his breath. “You do?”

“Yeah.”

The air between us is moist, hot from our breathing, from the sense of awareness that is zinging between us. His finger leaves my hand and trails under my sleeve up my arm.

“Don’t,” I protest, my heart bucking like a grizzle.

He stops his upward movement but his fingers don’t leave my arm. “Why?”

“My skin, there aren’t any scars, it’s—”

“So, soft. It’s beautiful.” He lifts my hand and brushes his lips across them.

“You really think so?” I ask in a small voice. I’ve always been ashamed of my unmarked skin before and even now, well now it reminds me of our greatest enemy.

His fingers whisper up my neck, goose pimples following their path. “Yeah. I remember thinking that when I helped look for injuries after the explosion at the Square. Even then I was… aware of you.”

I shiver and my alabaster skin flushes. Our gazes connect and it makes me dizzier than oxygen.

He kisses his way up my arm, pushing my sleeve as he goes. “I’ve been wanting to do this since you grabbed my hand when the grizzle attacked.”

His lips move to my neck and my head lolls to the side to give him better access.

“I’d just embraced Starburst—”

I push away and shudder. “I know. I saw that. It was disturbing.”

His eyes close and he brings his face close to mine, his lashes tickling my cheek, his breath warming my lips. “I’m sorry you did. But that was the first time I doubted what I felt for Starburst, because I’d never felt anything like that, anything real for her.”

“You didn’t?”

“You woke me up, like in that old story about the girl being asleep and the prince kissing her awake. You’re my Princess Charming.”

“And you repaid me by turning me in,” I say dryly.

He sighs, running the back of his fingers down my cheek. “Yeah, but I was conflicted about it. That’s what made me do it.” His finger work their way into my hair, massaging my scalp. “When I found you that day after the assembly. I wanted to kiss you. I had this whole speech accusing you of saving me but all I could think about was how much your skin tempted me. I thought it was a Musk mind trick.” He rests his forehead against mine. “And training these past few weeks has made me crazy. Did Ty come up with those holds as a punishment for letting you get shot?”

I giggle. “I felt the same way.”

He winks at me. “I know.”

I shove him away but he pounces, quickly grabbing me in his arms, somehow bringing me even closer to him. I had something witty to say but it died on my tongue as he lowers his mouth to mine. His eyes are studying, moving slowly so I can pull away, so I can say no. I don’t. Instead I meet him halfway and a fever greater than I’ve ever known sweeps through me as our lips touch, softly, warmly. Then more firm. His lips trail down my jaw and neck, kissing where my stab wound had been. My fingers rub against the short hair on his head, tickling my palms. I smooth a finger over the scar he got saving Polly from Ty’s evil clutches. Then my hands dip down his arms, touching his other beautiful scars.

“You got this one saving a group of lowly Debs from a fire.” I move onto the raised ridges on the back of his hands. “From a panthacat attack.”

He stops, his lips curling into a smile. “Been following my career, huh?”

I roll my eyes. “It’s hard to ignore when it’s part of the school newsfeed every morning.”

“Ever get any of my warrior-tats?”

“What makes you think I ever had any done?”

“I saw you in the tat parlor.” He kisses the corner of my mouth. “So, did you?”

I don’t respond and he tickles my sides. “Your silence is answer enough. Which ones?”

“Let’s see. I got this one,” I say, kissing the one on his hand, “and this one,” I continue, kissing every scar I had tatted onto my skin.

By the time I reach the one on his neck, his pupils are wide. He shivers when I kiss the red line on his ear.

“So.” He clears his throat. “You’re a big fan, huh?”

I grin. “Eh. Now Carter, he had this one across his eyebrow—”

He cuts off my words by bringing his lips back to mine in another lingering kiss. When we finally break apart he tugs me closer, my head resting on his chest, his heart pounding beneath my ear.

“Real?” I ask.

A laugh rumbles in his chest. “Oh, yeah.”

He kisses the crown of my head.

He exhales and it stirs my hair. “Ty and your dad are going to kill me for starting this with you, aren’t they?”

“Nah, seriously maim maybe, but not kill.” I sigh. “I honestly don’t know what they’ll think, and I don’t care.”

His eyes search my face before he gives me a gentle smile. “Good.” We don’t say anything for a little while and the silence is peaceful, it feels so right to be here with him. Eventually he says, “It worries me that I won’t be there tomorrow, to watch your back.”

“Ty will be there. So will a few highly decorated war heroes.” I glance up at him. “You know you can’t go. You’re like enemy number one.”

He snorts. “And you’re not?”

“Mom is doing some plastic surgery thing to alter my appearance.”

“I know. I understand why I’m not trusted yet, but I still wish we could find some way for me to go.” He winds a piece of my hair around his finger. “No one wants you safe more than I do.”

I cuddle in closer. “My family would argue with you about that.”

“Letting you go without me is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

I rest my elbows on his chest and meet his gaze. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

“But if anyone can do this, Lexie, I know it’s you.”

I nip his jaw, hiding my flushing cheeks. “That means a lot coming from you.”

I settle next to him and we hug each other, talking of anything but the mission tomorrow and all the possible things that can go wrong. When we finally part ways he simply squeezes my hand. I’m grinning like an insane person as I make my way to the small room off the tunnels where my family has made its home.

My dad peers up from the schematics he’s been going over. “You should be in bed, Lexie. You need to be rested for tomorrow.”

Ty is packing supplies into his satchel. “Where have you been?”

“Going over tomorrow’s strategy with Bryant.”

My father and brother both sort of cringe when I say his name but my mom gives me a knowing grin. “And did it go well?”

I can’t help that same stupid grin from spreading again. “Yeah.”

My mom winks at me. “I’m glad.”

I fall asleep that night not thinking about ridding the world of the Orions or all the responsibility I’ve been given, but reliving the perfection of my first kiss.