Stronger with You (With You Trilogy) (23 page)

“Not a bad twenty-ninth birthday present,” Rick grinned. The twins’ birthday was the fifth of July.

“Yeah, ‘cos that’s what we were aiming for,” Karl scoffed.

“Well your aim seems to be spot on otherwise,” Danny winked.

“Daniel!” Elise scolded him.

He shot her an apologetic smile and she shook her head, doing her best not to laugh and failing miserably.

By the time breakfast was over, my face hurt from grinning but I still couldn’t stop. The same seemed to be true for all of us. Even Jake, whose wrists were an angry red. I’d never seen my family so happy.

After breakfast, we gathered in Ian and Jake’s room so that he could open his presents. I held the small packet I’d gotten him in my hand nervously. He’d already opened most of the presents. I didn’t really feel like going through this. I’d had to get him a present, it would have been rude not to and I’d seen something that I thought he’d love.

When he’d done opening the other presents I handed the packet over to him with my eyes on the colourful wrapping paper rather than on Jake. I sat back onto the floor by Danny’s feet, playing with my shoelaces as I listened to the others talking about their drunken antics.

“She give you a freaking stapler?” Ian laughed as he looked at the present Jake had opened.

“I dunno,” Jake answered, sounding a little confused.

I smiled weakly but didn’t look up. I figured they could work it out for themselves.

“Oh, awesome,” Craig said appreciatively. “For making guitar picks, right?” Craig asked.

I nodded again without looking up. Those were the first words Craig had spoken to me since my inappropriate comment earlier that morning.

I’d made him some guitar picks already. I bought a few damaged second hand CDs really cheap from the market, choosing only bands that I knew he liked. I’d used those CDs to make picks. I’d also superglued pictures of my brothers and a print out of some jellybeans to various bits of plastic and made him a set of Carter family picks.

“Damn, Danny you look like a pit bull in this picture!” Craig laughed tossing the pick at Danny so he could have a look.

“That’s not me! That’s Rick,” Danny scowled.

The two of them bickered over it as usual. I knew for a fact it was Danny in the picture because I’d gotten it from his Facebook page. He’d uploaded and tagged it himself.

“Whatever,” Rick shrugged, pushing his twin off of him. “Even as pit bulls we’d still be fit as fuck.”

The others laughed and I couldn’t help but smile.
Talk about cocky
. I watched Jake looking at the picks out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he looked a little ill.

Jake bolted suddenly and we all cringed as we heard him throwing up violently in the bathroom.

“I bet he wishes he’d managed a few more push ups,” Karl laughed, absently stroking Elise’s stomach as she sat next to him.

“I’m not sure if it’s just his hangover,” Craig frowned. “I’ll check him out.”

Craig decided that Jake needed to sleep for a bit, which only seemed fair. I doubted he’d slept for more than five minutes in the shower. I went for a run with Ian and the twins while he slept.

Ian told me we’d be leaving at one and had even said Jason could meet up with us in town for coffee before we left. I’d called Jason to let him know. His voice instantly warmed when he heard mine and I could hear him grinning when I’d given him a time and a place.
I love that man
.

Chapter 18

Monday, 10th June 2002

I pulled my school polo shirt over my head and straightened the collar.
I don’t want to go to school.
Jake had kept his distance since Ian had caught on to what he’d done. Any time he even got close to me, one of the others had shoved him away. I knew he’d be looking for revenge and he’d have the perfect opportunity at school.

When I walked into the kitchen, I froze. On the table was a beautiful bunch of flowers in a very familiar crystal vase. That vase only got brought out once a year and every time I saw it I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest so that it wouldn’t hurt any more.
I guess I’m eight now
. I kept my eyes down as I walked into the kitchen, climbing up onto the stool by the island and sitting silently.

Craig placed a bowl of bran flakes in front of me and I gave him the sign for thank you without looking up. I could feel the tension in the air, nobody else was talking either and it just made me feel worse. My brothers all stood or sat around the island, each of them looking at the flowers.

I couldn’t eat my bran flakes. My tummy felt like it was inside out. I looked at the flowers in silence with my brothers. They were so beautiful and colourful. I knew Mummy had been beautiful too, she was in all the pictures around the house. She was smiling in the pictures. Smiling with Daddy, smiling with Ian as a baby, smiling with the whole family, but not with me. There’d never be a picture of Mummy smiling with me because I took her smile away forever.

Ian cleared his throat and the silence was broken. Some of my brothers made funny sniffling noises like they had colds and they all stepped away from the island and returned to their breakfasts.

“Aren’t you hungry, Jelly?” Ian asked, making the sign for hungry on his tummy.

I shook my head, still looking at my cereal bowl. Ian sighed and took the bowl away from me, handing it to Jake to finish. I climbed down from the stool and signed to Ian that I was going to the toilet. He followed me to the bathroom and told me to brush my teeth as well. I nodded and did as I was told.

The twins walked with Jake and me to the school gates before they continued on to their own school. They didn’t say anything, they just waved us off with their identical glum expressions. I watched them walk away, wishing they could stay because I didn’t want to be alone with Jake. He stood by my side, waiting until they were well out of sight.

I didn’t look up at him, I knew he was scowling at me. As soon as the twins rounded the corner, he grabbed my arm and pulled me through the school gates and behind the bushes into the herb garden. He dropped his schoolbag and kicked me hard in the shins. I fell to the ground and wrapped my hands around my legs, pulling them into my chest and tucking my head in.

He didn’t stop, he just kept kicking me. I didn’t beg him to stop, I didn’t cry out. Today of all days, I knew I deserved it. I knew what I’d taken from Jake and I knew he hated me.

I heard him breathing heavily once he stopped. I didn’t look up, I stayed in my ball and listened to him picking up his school bag and walking away. My arms and legs were throbbing with pain, but not as badly as my back. I knew I’d have a few bruises. I wondered if Ian would notice them this time. Sometimes one of my brothers noticed, sometimes they didn’t.

Sometimes Ian got mad at Jake, sometimes he got mad at me. I didn’t understand the pattern behind the blame but it wasn’t worth telling Ian what Jake had done in case I was judged to be in the wrong.

This time I knew Ian would blame me. It was all my fault after all. I sat on the ground, slowly stretching and rubbing my arms and legs until the pain subsided a little. Eventually, the bell rang and I had to go to class. At least the pain on the outside made me think less about the pain on the inside.

As the day went on, I was more and more glad that I didn’t have to talk. I knew nothing I could say would stop Jake being mean to me. They didn’t find me at break time because I’d stuck my hand up to volunteer to clean the board. They’d found me at lunch but I’d been expecting that. I couldn’t have eaten anything anyway, my tummy still felt bad.

For the first time ever, I wasn’t looking forwards to going home from school. I knew the others were mad at me too and I didn’t want to face them. I didn’t think they’d handle it in the same way Jake did, but it still hurt lots to see them so sad.

Dinner was just as silent as breakfast had been, except Matt was already at work as usual and his place was empty at the table. I ate some of my dinner because Ian sounded angry when I shook my head when he asked if I was hungry. The food made my stomach twist but I ate all the peas and carrots to make him less angry.

Once we’d all done our homework, the twins took Craig into the gym to spar and Ian told Jake to go with them. That left me on my own with him in the kitchen.

“Come here, Jelly,” Ian said. He sounded tired but not tired, his voice was strange.

I walked closer to him, looking at the writing on his t-shirt. It said ‘London Triathlon’. I traced the letters with my eyes as I waited for him to speak. Instead, he picked me up and carried me on his hip into the lounge. Sitting down with me on the sofa so that I was sat across his lap facing him.

“You know what today is, Jelly?” He asked, his voice still funny. He didn’t sound happy though. He sounded almost like a robot.

I nodded sadly, unable to take my eyes of his shirt for fear the tears would come out. Ian let out a long breath and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me to his chest. I could hear his heart beating.

“Look at me, Jelly,” he ordered, pulling me away again and keeping his hands on my shoulders.

I tried to force myself to look up at him, but I didn’t want to see his face if he was sad or angry with me. I was hurting too much already, I didn’t think I could take any more.

“Please, Jelly,” he added, softer this time.

Ian hardly ever said please. If he wanted something done, it got done without asking twice. Everyone knew better than to slack off or make him say it again. We did what our older brothers said. That was the rule, and Ian was oldest so we all did as he said. Saying please was a huge thing for Ian and I wasn’t about to disobey.

I forced my gaze up to meet his and, the moment I saw his gunmetal blue eyes, I felt tears leaking from my own. It wasn’t because Ian looked sad, he didn’t. If anything he looked worried.
He’s probably worried about how upset the others are
, I thought to myself as my heart clenched painfully in my chest.

“Jelly… Jamie-Lea…” He started but he shook his head and took one hand away from my shoulder to rub his temples. “Did you talk at school today?”

I shook my head. I’d given my teacher the note Ian had written. I hadn’t read it but whatever it had said the teacher had obviously understood and hadn’t asked me any questions or asked me why I wasn’t speaking.

“Do you think you might start talking again soon?” He asked, putting his hand back on my shoulder and squeezing it gently.

I made the sign he’s taught me that told him I didn’t know and he gave me a tight smile.

“It would mean a lot to me if you could try and talk today, Jelly,” he sighed. “Today is a hard-” He stopped and took a deep breath. “It’d just be easier on everyone if you could talk again.”

I blinked up at him. I didn’t like seeing Ian like this. Ian was the strong one. When he was home everything was better. He made sure we were all okay. When Matt or Karl were in charge they looked after us too, but they didn’t laugh or smile much. They were always angry or stressed out. Ian was happy and playful, even though it was often intermittent with his military persona.

“I just… we need to know you’re okay. Really okay,” he kissed my forehead. “It’s our job to look after you, Jelly. You know how important it is to us that you’re safe, right?”

I nodded slowly, my heart cracking open a little further because he was being so kind and caring. I wanted him to yell and scream at me, to tell me how I ruined the family and stripped them of their happiness. But he didn’t. Instead, he was worried that I wasn’t okay.

Ian pulled me to his chest and I rapidly rethought my silence. It gave me strength but I didn’t need that strength with Ian being strong for me. He needed to be strong to take care of all of us and right now he was too busy being worried about me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. The words felt funny as they rolled off my tongue after a week of silence.

Ian took his arms from around me and tilted my chin up to look at him, he was smiling now. “There she is,” he chuckled. “My chatterbox little sister. I missed you.”

I smiled, despite the tears still rolling down my cheeks. “Chatterbox?” I croaked.

“Not recently,” he grinned. “Are you really okay?”

“I am,” I smiled. “I made your t-shirt wet,” I apologised, poking his tear-sodden t-shirt gently.

“It’s okay, I’ll get a new one soon,” he grinned. “Just to rub it in Karl’s face.” He chuckled and stood up, putting me down on my feet in front of him.

“How many weeks until Karl comes back?” I asked. He’d been gone a week and I missed him. Matt was always much more pleasant when Karl was around as well.

“Eleven,” he answered, guiding me by the shoulder down to the den.

“Will he be okay?” I asked, watching my feet on the stairs.

“It’s only training, Jelly,” he nodded.

I smiled and held his hand down the last few steps. We walked into the gym and saw Craig sparring with a twin.

“Rick,” Ian called out. “Take five.”

The sparring twin stepped back and nodded. I couldn’t tell them apart from all the way over here,
I don’t know how he does that
.

“How’s it going?” He asked, still holding my hand.

“He’s getting better,” Rick smiled, putting Craig in a playful headlock.

Craig grinned as he pushed Rick off of him. He looked really proud of himself.

“Show E what you two just went over,” Danny encouraged.

Rick and Craig looked at Ian and he nodded in confirmation. The two of them squared up and started sparring. I was a little nervous watching them. The twins were so broad, Craig looked small next to them. He had muscles but not like Karl and the twins did. He looked like a thinner version of Ian.

I was pleasantly surprised watching them though, Craig moved really quickly and Rick barely landed a blow on him. Ian’s eyes followed their movements and I thought I saw a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Not too bad,” Ian nodded as they broke off again. “Just need to bulk up a bit.”