Stupid Movie Lines (12 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
On Moms, Hungry:
Girlfriend:
Your mother ate my dog.
Boyfriend:
Not all of it.
Girlfriend (Diana Peñalver) to boyfriend (Timothy Balme) whose mother has been bitten by Sumatran rat monkeys and has got a craving for undead flesh in
Dead Alive,
1992 (also known as
Braindead)
On Moms, Indisputable Facts About:
You can’t be no mother, Peewee! Mothers is female!
Soldiers discussing the mother that the orphan boy Dondi needs in
Dondi,
1961
On Moms, Worries for:
I am not losing my daughter to a nine-hundred-year-old goat’s head!
Mom (Denise Crosby), defending her daughter who is possessed by Mexican demons in
Dolly Dearest,
1992
On Monkey Scientists, Incorruptible:
Karen:
Name your price.
Peter:
I don’t have a price! I’m not a pound of sugar, I’m a primatologist!
Dr. Karen Ross (Laura Linney) trying to wangle a ride to Africa from Dr. Peter Elliott (Dylan Walsh) in
Congo,
1995
On Monster Love:
Roxy:
Dad, I can’t describe it, but I know something has happened to him. He’s a creature—why, you just have to look at him to see that! But I know, whatever he is, he’s a human being.
Mr. Miller:
You just can’t get him out of your mind, huh?
Marilyn Manning and Arch Hall, Sr. (a.k.a. William Watters), discussing the monster man who had kidnapped her in
Eegah!,
1962
On Monster Movie Dialogue, Snappy:
Reporter:
Okay, let’s have the story on Lake Marsh and the monsters.
Police Chief:
Monster, monster! There are no such thing as monsters. This is the twentieth century.
Reporter:
Don’t count on it!
Loretta King and Harvey B. Dunne in
Bride of the Monster,
1955
On Monster Movies, Intellectually Stimulating:
What you’re about to see may not even be possible within the narrow limits of the human mind.
Opening voice-over narration in
Monster a-Go Go,
1965
On Monsters, Discovering the Super-Scientific Truth About:
Dr. Gavin:
Of course! This creature needs the ordinary necessities of human life: proteins, fats, sugars, and so forth. But since his organs are so decomposed, it needs the only food which can keep it alive.
Assistant:
Blood?
Dr. Gavin:
Human blood. If a human body—a drowned person—were attacked by tiny sea plants which became parasites and completely infiltrated the human body before it had a chance to decompose, would the body be considered dead or alive?
Assistant:
Dead?
Dr. Gavin:
No! It’s still alive. But it’s changed into a—well, is it a plant or an animal?
Assistant:
It’s both?
Dr. Gavin:
It’s a giant protozoan!
Dr. Gavin (Allen Laurel) discovers the secret of the monsters in the movie billed as “The First Horror Monster Musical!,”
The Horror of Party Beach,
1964
On Monsters, What to Say to:
Godzilla! Thanks a lot!
Young boy and hero, Ken, after Godzilla rids the planet of another enemy in
Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster,
1972
On Moon Dates, What You Talk About:
Moon maiden:
Do you have rock creatures on Earth?
Teenage astronaut:
No. And if I was out with a pretty girl on Earth, I wouldn’t be talking about them, either.
Lovestruck space duo in
Missile to the Moon,
1958
On Moses, Adorable:
Oh, Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool!
Nefretiri (Anne Baxter) to Moses (Charlton Heston) in
The Ten Commandments,
1956
On Moses, Body Odor and:
They may be your people, but do you have to wallow with them
… smell
like them?
Nefretiri (Anne Baxter) to Moses in
The Ten Commandments,
1956
On Mother, Not Herself:
Aunt Patience:
Mary! Mary! My sweet, sweet Mary! … Mary! You’re in black!
Mary:
Yes.… Mother died three weeks ago.
Aunt Patience:
How did it happen?
Mary:
She hadn’t been well.… You know how mother was.
Maureen O’Hara as Mary and Marie Ney as Aunt Patience in Hitchcock’s
Jamaica Inn,
1939
On Mottoes, Different:
If you don’t eat people, they’ll eat you.
Motto of cannibals from Cannibal Island in
We Are Going to Eat You,
1980 (Hong Kong)
On Mouthing Off:
My mouth belongs where I put it!
Al Pacino as the embittered father of a Revolutionary War soldier in
Revolution,
1985
On Movie Ads, Believable:
WARNING: This is John Austin Frazier. It has been reported that he now resides at a Mental Hospital, the result of attending our triple horror program. Because of this tragic event, we, the producers, have secured an insurance policy insuring the sanity of each and every patron. If you lose your mind as a result of viewing this explosion of terror, you will receive
free
psychiatric care or be placed
at our expense
in an asylum for the rest of your life!
Newspaper ad, showing a demented-looking man, for the movie triple bill
Fangs of the Living Dead,
1968
, Revenge of the Living Dead,
1972, and
Curse of the Living Dead,
1966
On Movie Dialogue, Bizarre Pruny Rhymes and:
The Prince:
If you leave, ya know what you are? You’re the prunes.
Buzz Cameo:
Prunes? You’re the dunes.
The Prince:
Yeah. You’re the real prunes.
Brooklyn thug leader the Prince (Norman Mailer) and a cohort in
Mailer’s
Wild 90,
1967
On Movies, Must-See:
They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
Ad for
The Golden Mistress,
1954
On Movies, Ones You Should Go, Go, Go See:
Plucked from Today’s Beat! The Go! Go! Go! Generation! It’s Kicks, It’s Drags, It’s Tumult and Song!
Ad for
The Beach Girls and the Monster,
1965
On Movies to Take the Kids to:
SEE rebel guerillas torn apart by trucks!
SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
Ad for
Sweet and Savage,
1983
On Movies with It All:
LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
Ad for
Intermezzo,
1939
On Ms.-taken Identity:
I’m just a man doing his own thing. Are you a woman or a Ms.?
Evel Knievel to Lauren Hutton in
Viva Knievel!,
1977
On Mummies, Indisputable Facts About:
Save me from that mummy! It’s dead!
Zita Johann in
The Mummy,
1932
On Murderers, Deep Thoughts About:
Murderers! They’re all alike. Society would be better off without them!
Prison guard expressing his own opinion in
Diary of a Madman,
1963
On Musicals Most Unlike
The Sound of Music:
INCREDIBLE is the word for the world’s first monster musical! See in magnificent Eastman color—the DARING DANCING, enticing and horrifying—The INCREDIBLY Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!! Who is the woman branded in birth, wearing the
wart of horror
?
Promo
, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies,
1963
On Must-Haves, Governmental:
Dr. DeMarco has created a subservient zombie. That’s something my government
must
have!
Enemy agent (Tura Satana) trying to get the goods in
Astro-Zombies,
1969
On Mutated Piranhas, How to Get Away from:
Swim, Ann! Don’t walk—swim!
Advice given to a girl in the water who is in imminent danger of being consumed by mutated flying piranha fish, by her friend in a boat in
Piranha II: The Spawning,
1981
On
My
Fair
Lady
, Swingin’ Talk About:
That Higgins cat, the stuffy john who made a lady out of a piece of garbage.
Ann-Margret (Kelly) comparing girlie-magazine editor Tony Franciosa to her favorite Professor Higgins in the movie
My Fair Lady
in
The Swinger,
1966
On Natives, Hip:
Real crazy. These footprints go in a circle. Maybe the natives here are getting on this rock ’n’ roll kick.
Oriental hip guy (Victor Sen Yung) when he and his buddies discover sinister footprints on the desert island they’re stranded on in
She Demons,
1958
On Needs, Hermetically Sealed:
What you need is a canned woman.
Subtitle in John Woo’s
To Hell with the Devil,
1982
On Neil Sedaka Songs, Ones That Never Hit the Charts for Some Reason:
See a bug walkin’ on the ground
He moves in a straight line
But the waterbug must have flipped his tug …
Neil Sedaka as Bob singin’ a song with J.B. and the Playboys in
Playgirl Killer,
1969
On Neurotics, Typical:
Major’s wife:
Cutting off her nipples with garden shears? You call
that
normal?
Colonel:
Well, the doctors say she’s neurotic.
Army base conversation between Elizabeth Taylor and Brian Keith after Keith’s wife miscarries and then cuts off her nipples in
Reflections in a Golden Eye,
1967
On Nicknames, Quite Good:
My nickname is “Iron Spade” spade the rubbish.
English subtitle
, Rich & Famous,
1987
On Nipples, Buoyant:
I want my nipples to press, but I don’t want them to look like they’re levitating.
Showgirl in
Showgirls,
1995
On Non Sequiturs, Great Moments in:
James:
Your brother’s dead.
Nonnie (tearily):
Did you like his music?
Red Buttons and Carol Lynley, having a conversation over her brother’s body in
The Poseidon Adventure,
1972
On Nude Moon Women, Stupid Paper-Eating:
Earthman (in a very bad space suit, talking to a nude moon woman):
Hello. I saw you on the throne before. You must be the queen. I’ve brought something for you. On Earth we call this candy.
[He gives her some candy in wax paper. She spits out the candy and eats the wrapper.]
Earthman:
Ha, ha—ha, ha—ho, ho—You’re not supposed to eat the paper.
From
Nude on the Moon,
1962
On Nuns in Miniskirts, What to Say to:
Flapper skirts on a bride of Christ! I don’t like undercover nuns.
Regis Toomey in the Elvis Presley—Mary Tyler Moore film
Change of Habit,
1969
On Nurses, Bad Diagnostic Abilities of:
Every bone in his body must be broken, but I’m not sure that’s what killed him.
Nurse Ann Doran examining a returning astronaut and realizing Earthlings are in for trouble in
It! The Terror from Beyond Space,
1958
On Nurses, Clean:
Thank you, Snoopy. I could kiss you but you’re not sterile.
Nurse thanking helpful reporter who has protected her reputation against scandal in
Between Two Women,
1944
On Oh-So-Cute Lines:
You know something, Doctor? I’m not going to worry about overpopulation just yet.
Charter-boat captain (James Best), kissing the population scientist doctor’s daughter and Best’s bride-to-be in
The Killer Shrews,
1959
On the Old Brainwash:
Catlett:
If Olmstead is alive there is a chance the enemy may find ways to make him talk!
Tom:
The old brainwash!
Catlett:
Exactly.
George Cisar and John Agar as heroic jet flyboys during the Korean War in
Jet Attack,
1958
On the Old Masters, Exasperatingly Indecisive:
