Styrofoam Throne (10 page)

When the plebes trickled down to nothing, the zombie became restless and pulled a joint out and lit it up. I couldn’t let this first day in the Castle go by without scaring someone. I had to get in on the action. I saw the rush and wanted to be a part of it. The zombie took his deepest hit yet and admired the joint while he held the smoke in. Through the red window, I could see his eyes water as he held it down with a snorty grunt.

“Boo!” I yelled and slammed my flashlight against the plywood wall at the same time. The zombie choked on his packed lungs and let out a shrill, high-pitched scream while smoke shot out of his mouth. He doubled over, still trying to clear his lungs.

“Who the fuck is that?”

I crouched down and didn’t make a sound.
 

“Who fucking is that? Goddamn it, I’m trying to work,” he said while putting out the joint.

I snuck down the hallway, victorious, and went back to the traps. The work was tedious but even between the walls, the atmosphere was endlessly entertaining. If I could get one scare in like that every day, I’d be fulfilled living with vermin.

No codes were called on the walkie until night came.

“Code Green, Mirror of Death.”

Someone had actually barfed on the Mirror itself. I went in the identical room on the backside of the Mirror. The skeleton guy was crouched below the Mirror.

“Hey, so, yeah. Some dude actually puked on the Mirror,” he said in weary disbelief.

“Okay.”

“Isn’t that fucked up? I pop up to scare him and he’s just cross-eyed and blows chunks. I scared the shit out of him, though.”

I laughed.

“Yeah, well have at it.”

I walked around and pulled the cleaner bottle off my hip. The Mirror was wet and dripping yellow bile down the wall and to the floor. I squirted the cleaner all over and began wiping the area down. There were bits of pizza mixed in, with the teeth marks still clearly visible. I thought I was done with Castle Pizza but it was coming back to haunt me, as if striking from the grave. The room’s audio started up on its usual loop and spoke a different oracle than the one I’d heard when first going through the Castle as a plebe.

“Gaze into the Mirror of Death,” it said at the start of each loop. I reapplied the cleaner to the Mirror as it told me about “a death in the family” and its “profound lesson.” I didn’t know anyone that died. Ever. Another one came on after it, telling me, “There’s a love interest in your life.” Now we’re talking. I listened to the Mirror’s advice: “Go and find that person in the halls of Castle Dunes.”

“Code . . . Gold . . .” the walkie said in Dracula’s terrible Transylvanian accent.

I hurried over behind Dracula’s mantel and hoped I could redeem myself with him. Maybe demonstrating proper waste management would change his mind about me.

Dracula sat on a chair, reading a porno mag with his legs up on a two-by-four that was nailed to the plywood wall. His black dress shoes had lifts on them. He was even shorter than I’d thought. The room was almost the size of a closet. The raw walls were covered with water stains and little score-keeping check marks by Dracula’s head.

“You?” Dracula said. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I’m the new Castle custodian.”

“Pffft, you don’t deserve to be here. Where did you study?”

“Dunes High.”

“I mean acting, you dipshit.”

“I didn’t. I’ve watched a lot of horror movies though.”

“I’ve elevated this role beyond stupid horror.”

I wanted to ask if his lifts were part of the elevation process.

“I’m just here to get the bucket, man.”

“That’s right, you are. I suppose I’ll let you carry my piss.”

A red bulb in the ceiling flashed on and off.

“Get the fuck out of here, I’m on.”

Dracula got into position as thunder blasted from the other side of the wall. I grabbed the bucket and left.

At the end of the night, I went back to the makeup table to remove my face paint with the others. Melody was there, wiping away her demonic face. She looked up into the mirror and saw me.

“Hey!” she said, turning around and extending a hug.

I stalled in disbelief.

“I smell really bad, I don’t know if you want to get close,” I said.

“So do I!” she said, laughing as she pressed her body against mine. I had to stick my butt out so I didn’t poke her.

“How’s it going? Are you stoked to be here?” she said.

“Yeah . . . it’s awesome.”

“What do they have you doing?”

“Uh, cleaning stuff.”

“Oh, damn, well, maybe they’ll see how great you are and promote you out of that soon.”

The word “great” made me freeze up. I was more used to taking insults than compliments. I just stared at her.

“Anyways . . .
 
a few of us are going to Brogi’s after. Wanna join?”

Brogi’s was the local dive bar, populated by old drunks during the day who relinquished it to the younger ones at night. Definitely lofty, forbidden ground for a sixteen year old. I didn’t have a fake ID and even if I did, I didn’t have the money. But I wasn’t going to admit to either.

“That’s cool. I, uh, wore my pants that don’t have pockets today so I, uh, don’t have my wad with me.”

I couldn’t look her straight in the eye so I deflected to the next thing that drew my attention—her tits. She caught me in the act immediately.

“You’re funny. But if you change your mind, I’ll be there. Okay, wad pockets?”

“Alrighty,” I said. I had never used the word “alrighty” in my life. Why did it have to happen now?

Melody laughed nonchalantly and took off.

“Dude!” I found Renaldo under the pier smoking a J with his headphones on loud enough to hear ten feet away. I approached him from behind and tapped him on the shoulder. Renaldo jumped back and fell into a ready-for-anything stance.

“Jesus, dude. I was this close to killing you,” he said.

“Sorry, man.”

“I can do it, you know. Death blow. Learned it from a guy who lived on the beach last year.”

“Okay, what is it, then?”

“Well, if I showed you, you’d die.”

“Dude, anyways, do you want to hear about my day in there or what?”

“Sure, what’s the ratio like?” Renaldo said.

“The ratio?”

“Chicks versus dudes. The ratio.”

“There’s this one chick . . .”

“That’s all it takes, bro!”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah. Big titties?”

“Actually, I think so.” That’s not the reason I was attracted to Melody, but I wasn’t going to turn them down.

“Go on.”

“I’ve only seen her with one of those Castle robes on but there’s a pretty serious shelf going on,” I said, motioning around my chest.

“A shelf!”

“Yeah. She caught me staring at it.”

“Uh oh, what’d she say?”

“She said, ‘You’re funny.’”

“Oh, shiiiit.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Dude, it doesn’t mean you’re funny. It means come and suck on these motherfuckers!”

“Really?”

“Trust me.”

“Whoa.”

“So did you bang her on break?”

“Uh, no.”

The “Toccata” coming from the front of the Castle finally shut off for the night.

“There’s always tomorrow,” Renaldo said.

I walked home from the Castle. As I passed the Odd Fellows Cemetery, my head was still spinning and replaying glimpses of the Castle in action. The crouched monsters. The busty witches. Satanic altars. Even though I was cleaning puke, I had never been filled with such a sense of triumph and belonging. I inhaled the night air and scanned the cemetery. It looked different now. Pointless. Before all this, I was a hopeless freak. Or if I was being nice to myself, I’d say “brooding loner.” But before this, the me-without-a-Castle era, I was vulnerable to attack. People wanted an explanation as to why I was weird. Now I had one. I was no longer “Donovan from the cemetery” or “Donovan from the pizza place.” I was finally “Donovan from the Castle.” The Castle! I carried its walls home with me.

I snuck through the window to avoid Janice. But when I got in my room, I saw the hallway light turn off under the crack of my door. She knew I was home and did a good job of pretending not to care. Maybe she didn’t.

I woke up super early and got to the Castle before anyone. The “Toccata” wasn’t even playing yet. All the games, food stands, and arcade doors were closed. It felt different being around the pier now—my new sense of purpose replaced years of loitering and longing.

Jack arrived and started throwing switches, turning on the music. He asked me to walk through the Castle with him on “inspection detail,” which meant me picking up trash and finding unattended codes. Getting to walk the Castle without any plebes inside confirmed the fact that I really did want to live there. When we came across the Funeral Parlor room, I found out we weren’t alone. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who thought it’d be a cool place to live.

Melody was asleep in an open coffin. Jack wasn’t pleased.

“Sweetie, wake up,” Jack said.

Melody opened her eyes. She was a beautiful vagrant.

“Oh, hey . . . shit,” she said with a sticky, dry mouth.

“You can’t sleep here, doll. This is your first offense so I’ll let it slide.”

“Thanks, Jack.”

“If you need some help, we’ll find some.”

“No, it’s not like that. My parents think I’m at camp.”

“Let’s ask around today, we’ll find you somewhere safe.”

“It’s cool.” She didn’t seem to care where she ended up by the end of the day. I wanted to volunteer my face as a place to stay.

“Hey,” she said to me.

“Good morning, or should I say good mourrrning?” I said, immediately regretting it as she yawned a courtesy smile.

Jack’s eyes darted between us, and he shook his head at me.

“Let’s keep it moving,” he said and we continued inspection detail, now with Melody.

“Gonna be one of those hot ones today. Hope you guys are ready,” Jack said.

“I’m ready,” Melody said, privately winking at me. She had woken up pretty fast.

“Uh, I’m ready too,” I said and squinted both eyes by mistake.

When we got up to the Castle roof outside, I asked Jack if it would be cool if I stayed up there for a little while.

“Are you gonna jump off?” he asked.

“No!”

“Sure. Best view in town, right? I should have a restaurant up here! See ya at roll call.”

“Later, Donovan,” Melody said. I loved hearing her say my name. It wasn’t full of the normal tone of disgust I usually heard. She said it like there was something she liked about me. It made me like myself too.

I took in the view and thought about my new position. I was somebody. I never got a gold star in school, but now I had a pentagram to my name. I thought there was nothing cooler than getting the privilege of walking around the empty Castle and helping it work. Between looking at the town and the beach, the beach was my preferred hang side. Over there, the Castle felt like a docked battleship waiting to set sail for the clear horizon. I imagined the pier would fold up like a collapsible drawbridge and the Castle would tear itself off from the pier columns like a giant tank. A floating, impenetrable fortress where I was the captain without a wheel. Onward! To nowhere!

Gazing down at the shoreline, I saw Melody stripping down to her bra and panties on the sand. It was far away enough so I couldn’t really see details. But a panty-covered blur was better than nothing. She dove into the ocean and I had to be down there when she came out. I knew what happens to white when it gets wet. Immediately, I took off running through the Castle to get a closer look but I hit a flight of dark stairs, fell down them, and went lights out.

I don’t know how long I was down but I woke up with someone stepping on me. It was a few cast members headed toward their stations in that wing of darkness.

“Whoa!” one of the voices said. “There’s a body here!”

“Shut up,” another said.

“No, check it out. Here.”

I got stepped on again.

“Uggh, fuck,” I said.

“Oh shit, it’s a bum!” the second said.

“Dude, we don’t want any trouble, just take off and it’s all good.”

“Yeah, man. Don’t get weird.”

“I work here, I’m . . . Dono,” I finally said, getting up in the pitch black and trying to balance myself.

“Fuck, dude. You’re hardcore. Are you partying tonight?”

“I don’t know.”

“Let’s rage, dude. Meet at Brogi’s, see you there,” the other said.

“How will I know who you guys are?”

“Dude, we’ll be the badass drunk guys with all the babes around us. Lates, bro.”

“Lates, bro,” another said.

“Lates, bros,” I said, repeating the blind camaraderie. There’s no way I could get into Brogi’s but it was cool to pretend it was an option.

I rushed over to the makeup room to get into my custodial character.

“What happened to you?” Jack said, shaking a walkie-talkie.

“I fell and passed out.”

“That’ll happen.” Jack laughed.

I couldn’t tell if Jack believed me or not.

“Watch yourself. I don’t need any more dead people in here.”

Now, I really couldn’t tell what Jack meant by the word “dead.”
 

I wandered through the interior walls in mounting pain. My head was kinda alright but the sunburn seemed like it was getting more painful by the minute. And the itchy robe didn’t help, no matter how cool it looked. I checked my traps from the day before. A whole new batch of dead rats had shown up. It was depressing. The charm of Castle Dunes was that one constantly escaped death. Whereas my job was to trap it. A guy dressed as a reaper is so much cooler than being a real one.

It inspired me to think of a way to shirk parts of the job I didn’t like. Since the rats replaced themselves overnight in the traps, Jack wouldn’t be able to tell that I’m not doing the job for a couple days. And he was a little wide to comfortably wander the interior walls to check. So I stopped the bagging and killing, and just wandered around doing whatever until some code got called.

I watched rooms from behind the red windows and studied the cast members. There were a few really bad ones who made me jealous I wasn’t in their shoes. One guy wearing a straitjacket in the Madhouse room was practically catatonic. I swear he routinely pissed his pants because he never went on break, never said a word, never moved. He just stared intensely at every person who came through like each one was a better piece of meat. It was hard to tell how much of it was even an act. But it sucked, whatever it was. That guy would be perfect for cleaning up dead stuff.