Succumbing To His Fear (2 page)

Alfie

A week after receiving the phone call, Mum, Ben, and I arrived in Milford, a small town of about 1,200 people, located at the bottom of the Pocono Mountains. I knew straight away that if I was going to do this, there was no way in hell I’d be able to stay in Milford.

Dad’s house, although beautiful, was completely isolated. Without knowledge of the area or other homes close by, staying there was too daunting a prospect to undertake. 

Mum and Ben were able to come with me to help with the lawyers and social services interviews and meetings, but they wouldn’t be able to stay in the US long-term. Their lives were back in England. I would all too soon be left alone, and if I was going to try to parent my brother and sister, I’d need to be comfortable enough in my surroundings that I didn’t feel cut off from everyone else on the planet.

The first meeting with Dad’s lawyer was an eye opener, that’s for sure. Both Mum and Dad worked in the music industry back in the day. When they met, Mum was a singer in an up and coming rock band, and Dad was a promoter. It was lust at first sight, or at least that was how Mum described it. There was no big love affair, just a “Whoopsie the condom broke.” They stuck it out for more than five years, but by the end, it was better for all concerned that they went their separate ways.

There was no bad blood, just the realization that there had to be a better life out there for both of them. Mum had given up the life of a wannabe rocker when they married. According to what we found out from the lawyer and through nosing around Dad’s house, he’d continued to work in the music business and had a rather successful career in promotion.

Claire was from money, so between what the two of them left behind, money was never going to be a problem for me and my two new siblings. It was sad really; Dad had actually recently retired to spend more time with the family and they’d moved to Milford only weeks earlier.

The lawyer informed us that I was bequeathed eighty percent of their combined funds, as well as the house, cars, and a small boat. All of which I was to use to provide a home, care and anything else the children needed along the way. The remaining twenty percent of the estate would be split between the rug rats, and it was nothing to sneeze at. They’d each receive two million dollars when they turned 25. There were additional funds set aside for their education.

I was presented with a letter that Dad and Claire had written to me, which I was point blank refusing to read. If there was something either of them had wanted to say to me, how hard would it have been to pick up the fucking phone? The anger and pain were making me bitter, which wasn’t a good place for my mind to be.

On the fourth night in Milford, the night before the dreaded social services visit, Mum found me sitting on the porch, drinking a beer. I knew she had things she wanted to say, a lot of things by the look of her determined expression and fierce body language. I could see that my time was up and I was about to hear it all.

“How you doing, baby?” she asked, sitting down next to me.

“Spit it out, woman,” I said with a giggle. Mum and I had a great relationship. She was my rock, and the only person who could read me like a book.

“The cheek coming out of you. I was going to be all smooth and shit. I have finesse, dammit. You’ve gone and ruined my flow.” She laughed

“Course you do, Mum. Come let’s get this over with. No, I have not read the letter yet. No, I am not going to have an Alfie Attack. Yes, I am freaking out about tomorrow.” I figured I might as well get it all out of the way in one go. The woman would continue to dig until she got what she wanted anyway.

“I’m not surprised that you’re worried about tomorrow. It’s a big undertaking. I know you can do it, though. But know that if you feel like you can’t do this, I’ll support whatever decision you make. It’s a lot to ask of anyone,” she said, looking at me with love shining in her eyes. It felt good to know that I would always have her on my side.

“Thanks, Mum,” I said around the lump in my throat.

“Okay. With that out of the way, read this bloody letter already.” She produced the letter from her back pocket.

“You read it if you need to know what it says so badly.” I knew I was acting like a petulant child. I just didn’t care.

“It’s not my letter to read. I will admit the not knowing is killing me, but I think you need to read it to understand your dad and Claire’s thoughts. It’ll give you some answers, or at the very least, give you some closure and a chance to say goodbye to your dad. Here.” She handed me the envelope. “I really do think that you need to go into tomorrow with a clear, open mind and without the hurt and anger you feel right now. That letter won’t eradicate it, but it will start you off on the right foot. If it turns out that it doesn’t, I’ll get totally drunk with you on the weekend, and we can trash talk random people to feel better about ourselves.”

“Should you really be encouraging binge drinking, Mother? I am on the brink of becoming a parent,” I said, giving her a mock glare.

“Whatever, loser. Read the letter,” she ordered, before going back inside where I could hear her talking to Ben.

I stared at the letter for a few minutes.
For fuck’s sake, read the letter,
I shouted at myself internally. Even with the inner berating, it took me another half an hour to open the envelope, and yet another hour before I actually started to read.

Alfie,

I hope to God that you never have to read this letter. But if you do, the first thing I want you to know is how sorry I am. I never meant for us to drift so far apart. There are so many things I should’ve said. Please know that they have and continue to haunt me. I have no excuse and I’m not about to make one now. The reason, albeit an inadequate one, is that life just got away from me.

When Sheridan left with you, I was completely focused on working. I wanted to make a name for myself. All of which seems pointless and such a waste now. For the first ten years after you left, work was all I did. I thought of you every day and told myself that as soon as things quieted down, or as soon as the next deal went through, I would be on the first flight to you with a ton of stories that would make you proud of me. I am well aware of the stupidity of my actions. Not only did I lose my chance at having you in my life, but I missed out on being a part of yours, and that is, above all else, my biggest regret.

Claire and I met eight years ago, and yet again, I got swept away. I’d just reached a pinnacle in my career and was hoping to slow down. I was so ashamed of how I handled things with you. I was embarrassed and felt too guilty to contemplate approaching you at the time. But just because you didn’t see me didn’t mean I was far away. Claire and I were at your high school graduation, and your amazing art exhibition. You are so very talented.

Proud could not even begin to describe how I felt watching you receive your award at the exhibition. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. I never approached you because I didn’t feel that I deserved to be a part of all that you had accomplished. I didn’t want our being there to take away from your magnificent achievements. 

Please know that I’m aware that the man you have become is all thanks to your mother and stepfather. Claire and I fought many times about contacting you. She wanted me to call or visit, but I just felt I didn’t have that right. If you’re reading this, I so wish I’d at least had the courage to try. My weakness and failure are the only explanations I have to give for staying away, and yes, I know both offer little consolation, but they are all I have to offer. 

When Claire became pregnant with Griffin, I was petrified. I promised myself that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes; I wouldn’t let my pride keep me away from my child again. I pledged to get in touch with you. But, as it turned out, life had other plans. Griffin was very sick for the first four years of his life. Claire and I were both consumed with making him well and I admit that once again, you were the one to suffer. Griffin would look up at me and I saw you in him so clearly. I prayed daily that I wouldn’t lose him. We would lie together in the hospital and I would tell him all about his amazing big brother that lived overseas. That he was a talented artist who would be famous one day. You were his favorite story. He asks about you constantly, wanting to know everything. He even has a picture of you, one that I took at the exhibition, by his bed. He calls you his hero.

When we finally got the all clear and Griffin was in good health, Claire was already four months pregnant with Lily. Thankfully, Lily was a healthy baby, so full of personality and quite the little handful. Griffin took his big brother duties very seriously. I think he did it so he could be like you and make you proud. He wanted to be just like his hero big brother. 

Claire and I made the decision to slow things down then and move to a small town where we could focus on being a family. A family which I had great hopes of bringing you into. If you’re reading this, I was too late and failed you again. I am so sorry. I wanted so badly the chance to start making my absence up to you. To begin righting all my wrongs.

I love you so much, son, and could not be prouder of the man you’ve become.

After the move, Claire and I decided to update our wills and the plans we had in place for Griffin and Lily. We hadn’t done that since we were married, and Griffin and Lily’s arrivals changed everything. Claire has no family and I wouldn’t wish my family on anybody. We knew that we had enough money to set the children up comfortably and could maybe even hire someone to care for them, but that wasn’t what either of us wanted. It was actually Claire who suggested you be given guardianship in the event of our deaths. I didn’t feel as if I had the right to ask such a thing. Claire, as usual, was right. There is no one I would trust more or want to raise and care for Griffin and Lily. They are great kids, and I know they’ll love you whole-heartedly. If they turn out half as great as you did, I will have created three wonderful children.

I know that my asking this is inexplicably selfish, and I have no right to expect you to understand our reasons. But I am asking. I want you to raise Griffin and Lily. I want you to share your life with them. I want you to have the chance to have them in your life, and more than anything, I want them to have you in theirs.

I’m so sorry for causing you to miss out on being a part of us. I know that it truly was my loss, and it’s a regret that I don’t want Griffin and Lily to share. They deserve to know you.

I love you from the bottom of my heart. Always have. My beautiful boy.

Dad

By the time I’d finished reading, I was a mess. Mum, who I was sure had been hovering, appeared next to me and pulled me into her arms, holding me tight. She didn’t speak; she just let me get it all out. I understood that life sometimes pulls you along. I didn’t hate him for that. I just wish I’d had the chance to know him, just like I now believed he’d wanted to know me.

Alfie

Scared shitless didn’t come close to describing how I was feeling. Even Mum was emanating a ton of nervous energy. Ben, laid-back man that he is, could’ve been having a cuppa on the beach for how relaxed he looked. Something that I was sure I would never be able emulate, even if I lived to be a hundred.

We were invited into the office of a woman in her early thirties who was dressed in a very unfortunate-looking suit. She introduced herself as Susan Lipton, the social worker assigned to Griffin and Lily’s case. We went over everything and discussed what plans we’d made. I explained again that we wouldn’t be staying in Milford, instead moving to New Jersey. We’d notified them before of the move, but with all the paperwork involved in changes of address and crossing state lines, everything seemed to have multiplied. Mum and Ben had already found a house that would be perfect. All that needed to happen before we could progress any further was for me to meet Griffin and Lily. I needed to see if living with me was something that they wanted.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk away from them. I think that we all knew that. It was never really an option. I just had to come to terms with it on my own.

Three hours later an encyclopedia of information had been exchanged and we were awaiting the arrival of Griffin and Lily.

“You’re doing great, honey,” my mum said, breaking the silence. I nodded, unable able to find my voice.
What if they don’t like me? What if they don’t even want to get to know me? What if I screw this up epically?

A buzz in my pocket stopped my inner rant and I looked down to see a text from Eddie, my best friend from back home.

Eddie: You can do this fuckface.

Me: Thanks shithead. I’m just waiting to meet them.

Eddie: It’ll be good man, don’t stress. They’ll love you. LMK how it goes.

Me: I’ll call later. Thx Eddie. 

Smiling, I put my phone away just as the door opened and Susan walked in, along with my very shy-looking brother and sister.

“Griffin, Lily this is….” She didn’t get the chance to finish, because Griffin was across the room and throwing himself in my arms. His little arms went around my neck and his hands gripped me, holding on so tight. It was as if he was worried I would disappear if he let go.

“Alfie,” his little voice said in my ear. I looked over at Mum and saw tears in her eyes. Even big, bad Ben looked a bit choked up. I hugged Griffin back and looked up to see Lily watching us, her little chin wobbling. I knelt down and held my arm out for her, and that was all it took. She crossed the room and was in my arms with her brother.

Both their bodies shook with emotion. One second and they had me in the palms of their hands. They were mine.

Loosening my hold, I leaned back so I could see their faces. The first thing that struck me was how much Griffin looked like me. He had my green eyes and dirty blond hair. We both had full lips and almost identical dimples. Lily, too, shared our eye and hair color. It was clear Dad’s DNA was dominant in the looks department.

Neither child seemed to want to let me go, so we sat on the floor together. My mum soon came over to join us and introduced herself.

“I knew you would come. I told Lily you would. Didn’t I?” Griffin said, turning to Lily to get her confirmation, which she gave with an enthusiastic nod.

“You are our big brother and you live on the seas,” he stated with conviction. I was pretty sure he meant overseas. Unless he thought I was a pirate. Anything was possible at that point. It did look like Dad spoke about me often, as he’d written in his letter.

“That’s right. It’s really good to meet you both,” I told them. At the sound of my voice, they both giggled.

“You talks funny,” Lily said with another giggle. Which started Griffin off again, and Mum and I were quick to join in. 

The rest of the meeting went well, with lots of chatting and hugs. It fell apart when it was time for me to leave, and all hell broke loose, shattering my heart in the process.

Pulling them both onto my lap, I tried to calm them down.

“I have to go for now so I can sort out our house. You want to come and live me, right?” I asked. They both sniffed and nodded. Their small faces looked up at me, red and wet with tears 

“The quicker I can sort all that out, the sooner I can come and get you, and then I never have to leave you again. You’re going to be stuck with me forever and ever.”

“You promise?” Griffin asked.

“Promise.”

Mum, Ben, and I were mostly silent while walking away and driving back to the house. As soon as we got in, I went straight to my room and shut myself away. It hurt so much to leave the kids there. Seeing them and holding them made me realize that not only did they need me, but just how much I needed them.

Thankfully, things progressed quickly from that point on. We moved into a hotel and closed down the house in Pennsylvania. It was decided that there was no point in selling it yet, as that would add more stress.

Mum went ahead with getting the house in New Jersey ready. It was a wonderful house in a very nice neighborhood with great schools and lots of families in the area. Four bedrooms, two bathrooms, living room, dining room, large kitchen, and a small garden. Perfect for our small family. 

Mum helped me with organizing school start dates and social worker home visits while I spent as much time with Griffin and Lily as I could. I bought a car. Ben helped me learn the area; everything from where the grocery store was to where the closest police, fire station, and hospitals were. We were not leaving anything to chance. I wanted to be prepared for everything. I was taking my role as guardian seriously and wasn’t going to let anyone down. And for reasons that I couldn’t verbalize, I really wanted to make my dad and Claire proud, while making sure both Griffin and Lily were safe and happy.

Fast-forward three months and everything was finally ready. Griffin and Lily, or the Nuggets as I had started to call them, were due to come home the next day. Mum and Ben had left the day before due to something with Ben’s work. Mum wanted to stay, but if I was going to do this on my own, I might as well start from the beginning. Time to pull on my big boy pants and get on with it. I hoped I could do it, but I knew that even if I couldn’t, I was fucking well going to fake it until I could.