Sullivans Island-Lowcountry 1 (56 page)

“Right. So what’s the deal, hotshot? I heard you were living

in Atlanta doing germ warfare.”

“Yeah, that’s me. Dr. Germ. I love the little boogers. Love

seeing them squirm.”

“Yeah, you always did like to make things squirm.”

“Yep, some things never change. Hey, by the way, I’m sorry

that I missed your call about Thanksgiving. I was in Hawaii and

then I went straight to Zurich to deliver a paper. I just got back

last night. I swear to God, I don’t even know what day it is much

less what time zone. I would’ve loved to have spent the holiday

with you guys, but I was gone.”

“Good excuse. Okay, you’re forgiven. God, it’s so good to

hear your voice, you old dog.”

“Yeah, you too. So what’s the deal with you? Still married to

that asshole?”

“Actually, no. And you? Still married to your mail-order

child bride?”

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381

“No, it’s a heart-wrencher. Fact is, the little witch up and

left me for her personal trainer.”

“So did you kill the bastard, or what?”

“The bitch. Her trainer was a woman,” he said. “Helga the

big mean Swede.”

I burst out laughing and realized that Beth was staring at me

like I had three heads.

“Oh, Simon. That’s awful,” I said. “I mean, it really is.

Really.”

“Yeah, really really. Oh well, I hope they’re happy.”

“Don’t tell me. Let me guess,” I said. “She said you worked

too much and she was lonely and she couldn’t help herself.”

“Exactly. The sins of the father and all that. So, you have a

daughter, right?”

“Yep. Beth. She’s gorgeous. She’s fabulous. She’s everything I

never was.” I took the phone into the laundry room and pulled

the door closed.

“God on earth, she must be ugly and stupid.”

“No, goofball, she’s beautiful and brilliant!”

“So were you, Susan. Jesus, you sound exactly the same. Are

you still the same?”

“No, I’m an old bag. I gained three hundred pounds, my

teeth and hair fell out and I live in a bathrobe, taste-testing

cookies for Nabisco. Why don’t you come see for yourself ?

Maggie must have a floor you could sleep on or a hammock. Or

a bed of nails or something.” I hadn’t had this much fun in

twenty years.

“Great idea. I’ll call her.”

“God, I hate your guts for not calling me years sooner. I

have missed you like you would not believe.”

“Yeah,” he said, “kiss my
bee-hind.
You could’ve called me

too, you know.”

“You’re right. I stink. Listen, let me know when you’re

coming to town so I can polish my dentures.”

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“I will. Obviously, I need to rest up for this one.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Oh, you sound so grown-up I can’t believe it. What are

you gonna do when I show up, Susan?”

“I’m gonna deal with you, Simon, like I should have twenty

years ago, that’s what.”

“Thirty,” he said.

“Whatever,” I said.“I’m serious.”

“Jesus, I’d better start taking my vitamins.”

“And eating oysters.”

“God, I’ll be there tonight.”

“Yeah, right. You can dress up like Santa and give me a

thrill.”

“My God forgives you for this endless diatribe of anti-

Semitic remarks.”

“My Lord forgives you for not accepting Him.”

“The queen of retorts. Marry me.”

“Marry you? Bump you, jerk. Call me more than once in

twenty years and I’ll consider it.” I couldn’t stop laughing and nei-

ther could he.We were literally screaming at each other.The creep

still thrilled me. God, I loved him. I always had, I always would.

“Fine, big mouth,” he said. “I’ll call you next week, as soon

as I get over my jet lag.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be holding my breath.”

We hung up. My heart was dancing all over my chest. Beth

opened the louvered door and saw me sitting cross-legged on

top of the washing machine, hugging the remote phone.

“Oh, God, he is the funniest man on the earth,” I said.

“Well, I
guess,
Mom! God! Was this somebody you love or

somebody you hate? Just who the heck is Simon?”

It was time to come forward and tell her about Simon.

“He’s this guy,” I said, thinking that was good for an opener.

“You want to make some tea or should I?”

“You’re too wrecked. I’ll do it,” she said.

She filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove to

S u l l i v a n ’ s I s l a n d

383

boil. I finally climbed off the washing machine and replaced the

phone in its cradle. I sat on a bar stool and watched her work. It

was role reversal and it was about time.

“How about some cheese and crackers to go with it?” I said.

“If you’ll tell me the truth, I’ll give you food,” she said.

“Simon was the undisputed love of my life at one time,” I

began.“He was also my stepbrother.”

“Okay, start over. First of all, I knew that Grandpa Stanley

had a son named Simon, but I never knew about this! Isn’t that

incest or something?”

“Oh, hell no.”

“Gosh, Mom, you’re cussing, like, wildly! I heard you say some

very bad words on the phone with him.” She was teasing me.

“Well, you don’t know Simon. He could make a nun do the

limbo at a church picnic.”

“Yeah, right, so give me the skinny! Come on!”

“Okay, it was like this. Simon was a boarder in our house

after Daddy died. I took one look at him and discovered that I

was a woman.At first it was a mad crush, and then I really fell in

love with him. Head over heels. Gone. Down the tunnel of love

in a boat with no rudder.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Yup.”

“How old were you?”

“Fourteen. Almost fifteen.”

“Fourteen! Good Lord! How old was he?”

“Twenty-one.”

“Oh, no! You’re kidding!”

“No, I am not kidding.” I watched as she poured the water

into a teapot with Constant Comment tea bags, sliced a lemon

and dropped a piece into two empty cups while the bags brewed.

“We used to sneak off to the beach and go for these long walks.

It was the perfect romance.”

“Did you ever kiss him?”

“Are you kidding me? I kissed him until his lips were frayed

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around the edges! He was the best kisser in the world. Or at least

I thought so at the time, but what did I know? Not much, let

me tell you!”

“Holy moly, I can’t believe my mother walked the beach

with some guy, kissing at fourteen years old! He was ancient!”

“I’m telling you this to let you know that I know what it

feels like to be your age. But, Beth, I was probably indiscreet. I’m

trying to teach you the value of discretion.Also, in my day, there

was no AIDS, herpes or any of that stuff. And, you have to

remember, we had no supervision. None. Momma was in a

major fog, Daddy was dead and Livvie had her hands full.”

I cut a piece of cheddar cheese and ate it with a Ritz

cracker.

“Did you do it with him?”

“Oh, my God! I can’t believe you’d ask me that! Of course

not! Honey, I thought that sex sent you to hell forever! Plus, you

could get pregnant! We never got close to anything like that.

No, it was a lot of hand-holding and innocent kissing—okay,

not so innocent—but never anything like the big one!”

“So what happened? I mean, how come you didn’t marry

him?”

“Well, for starters, his father married my mother and it was

just too weird. I went off to school and he left the country to do

his residency in Asia and I never saw him again. I met your

father, fell in love with him and Simon married some Asian

babe. Plus, he really was too old for me.”

“I’d say so! If I came home with a twenty-one-year-old guy

you’d lock me in my room!”

“Yeah, I sure would, but times were different then. People

usually stopped short of the actual deed and took a cold shower

or jumped in the ocean or something.”

“So, are you gonna see him again?”

“I hope so, although I’m not sure my nervous system can

take it. I’m pretty old for this stuff.”

“You know what, Mom? You’re not old and you should

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385

have a boyfriend. Hey! Whatever happened to that Roger guy?”

“Oh, Roger, well, he’s around but he’s not for me. Wrong

chemistry.”

“Oh. Well, who knows? Maybe you’ll get back together

with Simon!” The phone rang again and she said, “Maybe it’s

Chris!”

By f r i d ay, t h e seventeenth, I was prepared for not one but three

parties.A mountain of wrapped packages were under our tree and

my closet had two great new outfits, courtesy of Kim the Makeover

Wonder’s advice. Beth and I had stopped in to see him out at the

mall and when I told him I was going shopping for myself, he took

me by the hand and said, “Not without me, you’re not.” No one

respected my fashion sense.

Kim had decided I looked better in brown than black. He

forced me to buy a brown cashmere sweater with a short brown

velvet skirt. It was true. I looked better in brown.Then he made

me buy a red crepe tank dress and fake diamond cluster ear-

rings. I felt stupid with my arms all naked and phony diamonds

but he and Beth said I looked great.

I asked him to go to the
Post & Courier
party, explaining that

it was business, and he accepted.

“Dear heavens, Susan,” he said, “first of all, I’d go anywhere

to get off the plantation, but a party with you in that red dress?

I can’t wait to see the girls scratch your eyes out! Of course I’ll

go, under one condition, however.”

“What?”

“You must let me blow out your hair first. Just what have

you done to my haircut?”

And Maggie and Grant had invited me to a big bash for the

Medical University faculty on Saturday.

“Maybe you’ll meet a doctor,” she said.

“Maybe I’ll see Roger,” I said.

“Oh, Lord, don’t worry about him, there’ll be a million

people there.”

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“Why should I worry? I’m not the pervert, he is.”

And the library was having a cocktail party on Sunday night

for employees and their families. It would give me a chance to

dunk Mitchell Fremont in the punch bowl.Yes, indeed, the hol-

iday season, the last one of the Millennium, was in full swing

and I was ready for it all.

When Friday night arrived, I was ready to deck the halls.

Kim rang the doorbell and found me dressed in the red dress

with my hair in a towel.

“Don’t you look like the most divine morsel!” he said.

“You look pretty deadly yourself,” I said.

We exchanged elaborate air kisses on both cheeks.

“Fabulous tree!” he said. “Next year we should let my

Jeremy do it for you. He’s simply mad about old houses and

decorating for Christmas! God, you still haven’t met him! We

have to have you out to the plantation!”

“I’d love it!” I said.“Want a glass of wine?”

“No, darling, but thank you. Gotta watch my waistline, you

know.”

He stood before the big mirror and admired himself. He

wore a black Armani tuxedo that fitted him like an Italian glove. I

couldn’t help thinking how this man tickled my funny bone. He

was more concerned about his appearance than any woman I’d

ever met.

“Great mirror,” he said.

“
Strange
mirror,” I said. “Come on, gorgeous, let’s dry my

hair or we’re gonna be late.”

He made me change my pantyhose from sheer black to

nude.

“Much sexier,” he said.

“Now I feel really naked,” I said.

“You look ravishing,” he said, and brushed my hair back and

then rolled the sides toward my face. I attached the earrings and

they twinkled out from beneath my hair.

“Damn,” I said,“I look good.”

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387

“Almost as good as I do! Ha! Let’s go!”

We took my car to Max and Julia Hall’s historic house on

the lower end of King Street. A polite older man in a white

jacket opened the door and took my coat.The house was deco-

rated for the holidays from one end to the other. A chamber

music ensemble was playing Vivaldi in the living room. A hun-

dred or so people dressed in holiday finery roamed the rooms,

talking, smiling and helping themselves to the hors d’oeuvres

being passed by tuxedoed waiters on silver platters. I looked

around for Max and saw him in the far corner of the dining

room, engaged in a private conversion with another man.

“Well, what do you think?” I said to Kim.

“If the caviar’s beluga, I’m staying all night. If they have

weenies in pastry, we’re out of here by nine.”

“Guaranteed it’s beluga,” I said.

“Then you need a raise,” he said.

“You’re right!”

We wandered over to the bar and Kim got two glasses of

champagne for us.“Dom,” he said,“not too shabby.”

We touched glasses and worked our way through the crowd

toward the dining room. I didn’t recognize anyone from the

paper, but that wasn’t surprising as I rarely went to the office