Sunshine (20 page)

He laughs softly then abruptly stops. “You’re in pain.”
I take stock. With everything that has just happened, I totally hadn’t noticed how my head’s throbbing.
Myles sits up, pats the other side of the bed, and Malakhi inches down so he can sits on the right side behind me with his back against the wall. He touches my head. It’s strange how concerned he is over something that I always expect. I always knew that the next time to get burned was somewhere out there. This seems like something that isn’t even realistic to him.
I stare at Malakhi’s shiny fur as my vision begins to blur.
“I can help you with that headache….if you want me to.”
“You can?” I ask.
“Yes.”
“I don’t know.”
“I promise it won’t hurt.” He laughs softly.
“Okay,” I give in without him having to say much more.
Myles lays down behind me, just close enough so he can place one of his hands at the base of my head. “All you have to do is close your eyes,” he says.
I laugh a little. I made such a big deal about it this morning, and yet it seems like the easiest thing to do right now, with Myles this close.
So I do. A few minutes pass and I begin to feel extremely relaxed, like I’m floating. My head feels tingly. I try to tense up, just to see what would happen. Nothing does, but Myles notices. “Do you want me to stop?” he asks. The feeling lets up a little bit.
“No…it’s just…it feels kind of…awesome?” I’m so tired my mouth doesn’t work with my brain.
He laughs quietly again and the tingly sensation at the base of my skull travels up, around my eyes, down my face. My mind begins to go completely blank. I feel like I’m in a thick black ocean with nothing around me for miles but water. But somewhere in my mind before I fall asleep it registers.
Myles kissed me.
Myles kissed me and it felt different.
When it was Jack, I felt like I shouldn’t be doing it, like it was wrong. It turned out to be. When it was my piano teacher, I was young, but I still knew somewhere that it was wrong. That too, turned out to be.
But with Myles, I'm aware that
nothing
feels wrong. It felt absolutely right. I’ve never felt anything feel so right in my life.
Not when I decided to form a band, not when I chose any of my tattoos, not any other life altering decision.
So why is it that I’m still finding myself waiting for something to go wrong? How long will it be before my life starts to consume him and make him hate me? How long until he realizes that I’m not his Cinderella and I realize he isn’t Prince Charming?
That the slipper is not going to fit.

When I
wake up and feel a lot better; almost one hundred percent back to normal. My arm and forehead are still itchy, and burning, but besides that I feel great.
I prop myself up against the headboard. Malakhi gets up, sits down on the carpet and licks my face. A few minutes later, Myles comes in.
He looks tired. I watch as he rubs his eyes. “You have a very, very, high pain tolerance.” He smiles. Myles sits down on the side of the bed and feels my forehead. His hand feels warm.
“You look a lot better,” he says.
Something about him is off. “You okay?” I ask.
He smiles. “I’m alright, I just have a headache. It isn’t too bad, though.” I stare at him and he seems to get that I need a little bit more of an explanation. “Whatever pain I take away, I have to deal with,” he says. “So now I have the same pain you had, but I can manage it better.”
I nod slowly.
Myles stares at my hand that still has the IV needle in it. “I can take that out, if you want.”
I inspect the mass of clear tape on my hand. “You can?”
He nods, motioning for me to give him my hand. He starts to peel the tape away until there’s only one piece left. He hesitates, glancing at me. “You don’t have to. If it’s going to…weird you out or whatever,” I tell him.
He shakes his head. Smiles. “I’m already done.”
I take my hand back and look at it. It’s got a nice ring shaped bruise, but there’s no blood. “How do you know how to do that?” I can’t help myself from asking.
He shrugs. “It’s easy.” Then he seems to think like that’s not good enough. “Well,” he starts. “Accidents happen with our kind and humans.” I wait for him to continue, he plays with the tape in his hand. “It starts to get suspicious for those who don’t know about us,” he continues. “So some hospitals thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea if some of our kind worked there, in case of such emergencies.” He takes my hand, seeming to look it over. “I worked at some hospitals like that for a few years.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal.
“You don’t work there anymore?” I ask.
He stares at my hand some more before answering me. “It was too much for me to see every day.” I try to imagine Myles in those blue scrubs ER doctors wear on TV. It’s weird, to say the least.
Malakhi leans his huge white head on Myles’ lap and he replaces my hand on the quilt to pet the soft fur. “What time is it?” I ask. I’m just curious how long I was asleep.
“Two,” he answers.
“Wait. What
day
is it?” I’m suddenly aware that I wasn’t asleep for just a few hours.
“Tuesday.”
I sit up even more.
Myles places his hand on my shoulder. “My mom called the school for you. It’s all under control. You have a doctor’s note and everything when you’re ready to go back.”
I calm down a little bit. “I’ve been here all this time,” I think out loud.
“Everyone knows where you are,” he tells me. “They even stopped by yesterday, but you were asleep.”
He’s right, what am I worrying about? “Wait—everyone? Who?” I ask.
Myles glances at me briefly before turning his attention back to his dog. “They came by at different times, but it was Trei, Boo, Stevie, Jade, and then Adam, Laura and Leena,” he answers. “They’re all very happy you’re alright,” he adds on.
“And what about, you know, my mom?” I have to ask.
“She called once,” he offers.
“What did she say?”
He hesitates.
“Oh c’mon, I’m sure I’ve heard it before.”
Myles shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk to you like that.”
I can probably guess what she had to say, anyway. “Okay,” I say nonchalantly. He turns to look out the window. There are thick dark green curtains drawn across them. I stretch. “What’s wrong?” I ask.
He turns around suddenly, like I’ve interrupted him deep in thought. “Nothing,” he says.
“You’re lying.”
“You can’t know that.” He laughs to himself.
“Yes, I can,” I say seriously. “I can always tell when someone’s lying to me.”
He’s quiet for a second. “How?”
Does he think I’m stupid? How can I
not
tell? Someone stops looking at you; their face changes subtly from what was there before. “I’ve been lied to a lot.”
Silence.
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or are you going to keep lying?” I ask.
Myles sighs and sits down on the edge of the bed again. “Do you really want to leave that badly?” He sounds like I’ve hurt him.
I realize what I must sound like to him. He probably thinks that I’m tired of him or even worse, he could think that I don’t trust him because of what happened. But that isn’t the case; I’m just better and I figure that the only reason he wanted me here was to keep an eye on me. You know, so I didn’t go fainting on someone else.
“No, I like it here. It’s just that I should probably go home soon. That’s all.”
“So no one
knows
that you like it here.”
I can’t say anything.
“You don’t want anyone to know about us,” he says it like it’s a fact, rather than accusing me.
“What about us?” I ask. “You kissed me and then apologized for it. So what? It doesn’t have to mean anything.” I’m shocked at my own words. What am I saying? This is
right
.
“No, it doesn’t, but it could. If you wanted it to.” He stares at the quilt near my legs.
There’s silence for a long time. Myles places his hand on top of my good one to show that he isn’t mad, just thinking out loud.
“You and Jack,” he whispers, and I have to fight the sweat that wants to break out on my forehead. “You were once together, weren’t you?” He sounds like he’s afraid to ask me. Like I’ll puke all over myself like the last time.
Maybe I could pretend to be confused as to why he’s bringing this up, but I would be lying to myself. It was only a matter of time before he realized the connection between me, Jack, and fear.
I nod.
“What happened?” he whispers.
I want so badly to be honest with him. I hate not being able to tell him this horrible thing. That’s what friends do, right? But if he knows, it’ll ruin everything. He’ll never think of me the same way again, or he’ll feel sorry for me and never look at me the same way. He’ll run. There’s no sense in telling him what really happened.
“Let’s just say it ended badly
,
” I almost choke. “I just don’t want something like that to ever happen to me again.”
There. I was as honest as I could have been without telling him anything that would ruin whatever we’re doing.
I’m quiet because I can’t talk about this subject anymore. Myles is quiet because he’s probably thinking. “I don’t want that to happen either,” he finally says.
“I don’t think it will,” I admit more to myself than him. “But I just want to be careful.”
He nods, but it’s almost sad looking. “Then what do you want to do about us?” he asks.
“I don’t know.” I say.
“I’m happy with whatever decision you make. You’ve been hurt before and you’re scared because of it. I don’t want to make anything more complicated than it already is.” He almost laughs when he says the last part.
I smile because it
is
pretty funny. A vampire who likes a human girl who has
serious
trust issues and not to mention that girl is probably insane. It’s absolutely hilarious.
But to have this decision completely up to me? This seems like too much responsibility. What if I make the wrong choice? Oh screw it. That’s never stopped me before.
“How about this,” I sit up as much as I can without getting dizzy to face him. “We can just take things as they come. If something more comes out of our friendship, then that’s great. If not, then that’s fine too. I’ll try not to be so crazy, and you keep your hands to yourself, hotlips.” I smile to show that it’s meant to be a joke.
That dimple appears near his mouth. “Okay. That’s fine with me,” he answers. Myles’ hand cups the back of my head so I’ll lay it on his shoulder and I do. He holds my hand to his chest and studies it. “So, what now?” he asks.
“I told you,” I say. “We go with it.”

Chapter 19
Painkillers and Post-its
“Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go, I wanna be sedated.”-The Ramones

I go home two days later, but I’m still not well enough to return to school. Meaning I want the huge red splotch on my forehead to disappear before I go back. I don’t need more people talking about me than usual.
During the days before I go home, Myles and I watch TV, we talk about music, we do homework. We don’t talk about the kiss; we don’t kiss again.

For the rest of the week, someone different comes over every day. Adam comes by with Laura and Leena so often it’s hard to tell if they even leave half the time. Not to mention Stevie and Jade bringing me food and basically
anything
they think I’ll want every five seconds.
But Thursday night just plain blows. I run out of pain killers and everything feels about ten times worse; I can’t even sleep. Stevie and Jade are working the late shift, and I don’t want to seem like a baby and call Adam to come back over when he’s just left.
Myles appears at my apartment door, asking me what’s wrong. I appreciate the fact that he’s using the door, but I have to sit down almost immediately after I open it because the room starts spinning. I pick up the bottle sitting on the coffee table and shake it slightly. “All gone,” I say.
He tries to get me to do that exchanging pain thing again, but I don’t feel right doing it. Especially because now I know he’ll be stuck with whatever feeling he takes. Instead I tell him I’ll be eternally grateful if he’ll just refill my prescription for me.
“Why do you have to make it so difficult?” he says with a smile on his face to show that he’s not mad.
I shake the bottle at him again as a response.
“Okay,” he says, taking it from me. “I’ll refill it. But you have to lie down until I get back.”
I agree, lying on my couch and turning on the TV. I Kind of feel a little better knowing sweet pain killers are on the way.
By the time Myles gets back I’ve crashed, most likely from just lack of sleep in general. When I wake up in the morning, the same pill bottle is sitting there with new pills in it. There are also some DVDs with a yellow sticky note on top of them.

I didn’t want to wake you up. Sorry it took so long, but they were really busy last night. I left a few movies for you that I thought you’d like. I’ll see you soon. Feel better.

-Yours,

Myles.
“Yours” can get misconstrued in my own, not pain influenced mind, so I try not to get too distracted with how he signs it. Instead I smile knowing that he did something so nice for me, feeling a little disappointed that I missed him.
I take a shower and put on a new pair of pajamas. That turns out to be too much activity for me. By the time I’m done drying off, I have a pounding headache and my forehead and hand aren’t feeling too great either. I pop two pills and slide the first movie into the DVD player. It’s an older movie with Judy Garland and Gene Kelly in it.
No sooner than I get up to play the movie again and lay down so I can fall asleep to it, someone is knocking at my front door. “It’s open!” I yell, desperately not wanting to get up
ever
again.
I’m kind of happy to see Laura there in her white winter coat, brushing snow off of it. A gust of cold air blows in with her as she shuts the door. It isn’t out of the ordinary for her to cut class, but usually when she does it’s so she can make out with someone or whatever. So I’m not going to ignore how awesome of her it is to skip for me.
Plus she has coffee and Chinese food for me in her hands. It sounds really gross, but I have no energy to be picky.
“Hi,” she says as she sets the bags and coffee down on the coffee table and takes off her coat. Her hair is bunched on the top of her head in a messy bun. She’s wearing a Lucky High School sweatshirt with black sweatpants and boots.
She sits down against the couch I’m laying on. “How do you feel?”
“Tired,” I answer, reaching over and grabbing a coffee.
Laura and I are getting along these days, but talking is a whole different story. I guess we’re so used to not talking to each other that we’re just comfortable that way.
I still try to make small talk when I can. “I’m going crazy not being able to play with both hands,” I say, waving my gauzy one in the air, not knowing what else to talk about. It’s healed enough not have the bandages on anymore, but I keep it on because it still looks gross and raw. And I don’t want Myles to worry about it one way or the other.
I’ve already been scolded by Jade for playing my piano until I was so close to passing out or throwing up that I had to stop, which wasn’t too long.
“You’ll be all better soon,” Laura reminds me.
Something has changed in Laura. She’s just
nicer
to everyone. I think it’s because without me at home anymore, Mom doesn’t have a target for her anger. She just explodes without warning.
Especially now that she’s heard from a reliable source—which means anyone but me—about Mr. Blackwell, she’s more miserable than before.
Apparently, Mom went to pick up Leena from school one day with her new squeeze waiting in the car. Leena’s music teacher just so happens to be the one that replaced Mr. Blackwell all those years ago. She told Mom all about Blackwell, and get this: she believed her. Turns out, I wasn’t the only little girl signed up for extra practice time.
Laura tells me this on one of the days she comes to see me with Adam and Leena. But today is different. I don’t want to talk about stupid people and asshole parents.
So Laura and I pass the day watching old movies, which I know Laura must hate, but she lets me watch them anyway. We don’t talk much besides when she asks me where I found all of the DVDs.
“Myles left them for me,” I say.
“Oh. He
likes
these movies?” She’s almost laughing, but not in a mean way.
“I guess so,” I shrug. I’m not too good with conversation right now. My eyes feel heavy, and my head feels like a fifty pound weight from the pills.
“I like him,” she surprises me by saying.
“Really?” I ask, not sure if she means
she
likes him or she likes him for
me
.
“Yeah. I think he’s kind of…sweet, you know?”
“Sweet?”
“Well, he’s much better than that other guy you were with.”
“Laura,” I say with my eyes on the TV. “Myles and I aren’t dating, but I agree with you.”
Then she smiles that oh-yeah-right-smile and that’s all I have energy for.
I wake up in my bed a few hours later under the covers. They’re tucked in a little too tightly around me. I know who put me here.
On my nightstand there’s a stack of my school books. Thank God. As much as I hate going to school, I hate falling behind more. I open my History book and start reading. There’s another one of my sticky notes between the first page and cover.