Sunshine (6 page)

I
try
to catch up Myles with all of the school work he missed, but every time I start to talk about something different, he stops me and tells me that he already learned it at his other school.
So I give up.
I let him borrow last week’s notes and we sit around Boo’s room trying to think of something else to do. “How about we go to the mall?” Boo says.
I groan.
“What? I need new pants, you probably stretched the crap out of those ones.”
“Boo, I don’t want to go there on my day off.”
“You don’t work at the
whole
mall. You work at a
bookstore
. I need new paaaaants.” He makes a pouty face.
It’s not my idea of fun, but there are plenty of things to look at to distract me from hanging out with Myles while I’m actually hanging out with Myles. “Fine,” I say.
So I drive us all to the mall. Boo never wants to go to there just for one thing; it’s going to take forever. This is proven by the fact that the first place he stops is the toy store.
I wander off by myself as Boo runs down the action figure isle. I stop when I find a tiny toy piano sitting in the corner of the store. Sitting the best that I can without breaking the little seat, I start playing on the tiny keys. I get into it, the way I do when I play. I can sit for days at a piano, getting lost in it.
I guess this is why I don’t notice Myles standing in front of me, smiling.
Great.
“What?” I’m not afraid to ask. “You’ve never see someone play piano before?” I’m trying to kid with him, but I sound kind of mean.
“Not like that.” A grin makes that carved out crescent shape on the left side of his mouth appear.
“What do you mean?”
“You looked like you were in a different world.”
“That’s the best part,” I say out loud by mistake.
“Do you play, I mean, the real thing?” he asks like I didn’t say anything out of the ordinary.
I gesture over to where Boo and Trei are. They’re at the front of the store, spraying each other with silly string. “Meet my band.”
We spend the rest of the day walking around and going into a ton of different stores trying to find replacement pants for Boo. Everything is going fine until I see a slight glimmer of something evil out of the corner of my eye. It’s the baby pink fur boots that caught my attention; the rest of her is wearing ripped jeans and a way too low tank top.
Barbie.
Of course.
And she’s with an older man about Adam’s age.
I do an amazing job at ignoring them until she spots me. “Oh my God! It’s Sophie!” she says.
I keep walking without looking at her. Boo, Trei and Myles either didn’t hear her, or they just follow my example. She doesn’t let up. Barbie follows me, holding her what I assume to be dad’s hand. Then she’s in front of us and we can’t get around her. “What, no love for your best friend?”
Is she serious?
She’s eating a Cinnabun, which is even weirder, considering I’ve only ever seen her eat celery sticks at lunch. “Oh, so this is the girl you’ve told me so much about?” the guy standing with her asks.
“Yeah Daddy,” she says with a mouthful of the gooey sticky mess.
That
is
her Dad. Funny, he doesn’t breathe fire or carry a pitch fork around like I pictured anyone related to her would. He’s tall with dark brown hair, wearing khakis and a polo.
“Well this is too fucked up for me,” Boo blurts out. He grabs Trei’s hand and drags her to the food court.
Barbie smiles, I can see her true self underneath. She eyes Myles, sizing him up. I don’t want her to make fun of him. It's bad enough Barbie's got it out for me. Myles is new at Lucky—if Barbie gets her claws in him now, she'll never let go.
“Go ahead Myles, I’ll be right there.” I gesture toward Boo and Trei.
He looks unsure, but he turns and follows them.
“So, what’s up?” is all I can think to say. I’ll wait for her to throw the first punch.
“Nothing much.” That same wicked smile is emerging again.
“It’s so nice to finally meet you.” Her dad actually extends his hand for me to shake.
I don’t know what else to do other than shake it. “All good things I’m sure,” I say flatly.
“Of course,” he answers. “Barbie’s told me all about how you two met through student council.”
Student council? I’m not a part of that. I don't even think I know what that is.
“Well, I’ll let you girls talk for a little while, I have to stop off at Macy’s to return your mother’s sweater,” he says to Barbie. He kisses her on the forehead and leaves.
I wait until her dad is out of earshot range. “So. What is your deal?”
“My deal?” she says in her normal Barbie voice.
Is she trying to play dumb? “Why did you tell your dad we’re friends?” I almost yell.
Barbie rolls her eyes as she takes another bite of her Cinnabun. “Oh Please. Like I told him that.”
She’s really doing this. She’s totally acting like what just happened didn’t just happen.
“You need help, Barbie,” I say, ready to walk away. “And I feel bad for your poor Dad,” I blurt without thinking.
I mean, c’mon. She’s a total basket case. Going around telling her dad that she’s nice and on student council and junk, while he’s just sweet as pie to her. It’s not fair. She takes him for granted but she still gets to have him.
“You’re just jealous,” she says as my back is turned.
My head whips back around. “What could I
possibly
be jealous about?”
“I’ve got everything you want. I’ve got your boyfriend, I’ve got a
real
dad, and I’ve got an awesome life.”
I take a step toward her. “You’re missing what I’m not jealous of,” I say.
She stuffs her mouth with another bite of Cinnabun. “Oh yeah?” This’ll get her. It won’t take much. What is Barbie most sensitive about?
I’ve got it.
“I’m not jealous of your fat, nasty ass.” That seems to work. Her mouth hangs open in a pissed off expression, Cinnabun half chewed in her mouth.
I turn around to walk away.
THWAK.
Yep, that’s a Cinnabun that just hit me in the head. I can see it on the floor. I turn around to look at her again. She’s walking away backwards, staring at me as she’s giving me the finger.
I reach around to the back of my skull as I walk toward the table Boo, Trei and Myles are sitting around. Boo looks like he’s trying to catch flies in his mouth. “Cat fight!” he says as I slop some sticky cinna-goo onto the floor.
“You saw the whole thing and didn’t do anything?” I say evenly.
“It was too good to step in, and besides, you could have just walked away with us,” he defends.
I look at Trei. “I’m sorry, Sophie. I didn’t want to get into trouble.”
Then my eyes settle on Myles. I don’t know why. I feel like maybe he would have something to say as well. “Are you okay?” is all it ends up to be.
There’s no use in being angry at any of them. It’s not their fault. It’s over. “Yeah.” I turn and walk toward the bathrooms.

Washing brown and white-sticky-sugary-gunk out of my hair in the mall’s bathroom sink and then trying to dry it in the hand dryer isn’t as much of a ridiculous idea I thought it would be. The part that sucks is that I’m alone and I’m thinking.

I’m thinking about one thing Barbie just said:
I have your boyfriend and a real dad.
That one.
Jack is not my boyfriend. I don’t want him anywhere near me. Ever again. That doesn’t stop me from thinking about him. And Barbie’s dad seemed nice and all, but he’s no Adam. Then why do I feel sick thinking about all these things?
Because Adam is not my
real
Dad, like Mom said this morning?
That I will never have a
real
one?
Because Jack gets away with what he did?
That no one will ever know about it?
Yeah, that’s it. All of it.
My palms start to get all sweaty and I feel like the walls are getting tighter. The floor seems to be melting away into white drippy tile.
I run into a stall and heave, then sit on the cold floor leaning against the stall door. Everything seems wobbly. Not real.
Monsters can live inside a person. Sometimes they know about it. More often, they don’t. The monster makes them feel safe, or at the very least,
better
. As long as you know it’s there, you can co-exist with it. Give it what it wants and it will return the favor. Other times the monster takes over.
Bares its teeth.
You have no choice.
It’s happened before, I know what to do.
Without noticing, I’m taking out one of the pins in the back of the T-shirt Trei let me borrow and I’m digging it into my back.
My body knows what it wants.
“So where are Boo and Trei?” I ask Myles when I get back to the food court. He’s sitting alone.
I feel better now, and my hair almost doesn’t smell like cinnamon and sugar.
“They went to go get food,” he answers.
I sit down. One hundred percent normal.
“So why did that girl do that to you?” he asks.
My only answer is a shrug. I’ve always thought Barbie was a bitch, but I never guessed she was crazy. Who knows why she acted like that.
“You alright?” Myles asks.
Why does he care so much? “Mhmm.” I nod.
We’re quiet for a while.
“So does she bother you a lot?” he asks.
God, just let it go.
I shrug again.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
Obviously no one told him how much I hate being asked that. I’m starting to get pissed off. “Look,” I say, “It’s over with. I’ve dealt with it. No use talking about it now.” But I feel bad for being mean to him. “Yeah, I’m okay.” I'm a little bit calmer. “Thanks.”
He nervously smiles. “You’re welcome.”
No one is home when I get there and I don’t bother turning on any of the lights. There’s only one thing I want to do after a day like this.
I go down into the basement and sit at my piano. At first it’s hard to know where to start on the keys. It’s not easy to stop thinking about what happened today.
For the first time in my life, I question why I think I’m so special. Why do I think I deserve Adam? He isn’t mine. I am not his. I wonder about my real father. What his name is, where he is, why he left, and if he ever thinks of me.
I try to ignore the stabbing image of grey eyes in a dark car at night. My pulse starts to thud loudly in my temples as Jack’s face emerges from a dark corner of my mind.
But this place isn’t for thinking. This is where I can escape. I close my eyes. I don’t care which keys I pick, or in which order, it doesn’t matter if it sounds good. With my hands against the keys, my mind switches off. I sink into my world.

Chapter 6
Everyone’s Got Secrets
“Black eyes, nose bleeds, don’t look back now.” –Enter Shikari

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow I get talked into going back to Dr. Helmet’s office of pain and torture. The biggest reason I go back is probably because my mom is making it miserable for everyone in my house to actually live there.
Mom and Adam are starting to get worse. The once small fights have evolved into bigger ones where Adam doesn’t come home for days and when he finally does, he doesn’t talk to Mom.

Sometimes Mom is the first to leave. That I can deal with, but when it’s Adam, he leaves all three of us alone to face her wrath.
A few days ago Leena and I were sitting at the kitchen table coloring. Mom stormed into the house, mumbling and cursing to herself. Leena looked up at me like she was about to cry. “Just keep coloring,” I told her.
She jerked her head back down and continued filling in a blue pig in her coloring book. I could tell that she was trying to look natural, but just ended up looking really uncomfortable. We heard Mom march up the stairs, slam the door to her room, and stomp around. Then she came into the kitchen. “Why are you here?” she asked me. “You had a doctor’s appointment today.”
I didn’t even know if I had one or not. I'd stopped answering the phone when they called to confirm appointments she kept setting up. “I told you, I’m not going there anymore,” I answered calmly.
“Are you stupid or something?” She had her hand on her hip, ready for battle.
I said nothing.
“Why are you such a loser? You have an opportunity to be cured, and you’re just throwing it away. Everything is more important than being normal, isn’t it?”
“I told you, Mom, they can’t help me. I’m not going back.”
Then she switched to Leena. “Pick this up.” She began throwing crayons back into the box.
Leena looked like she was going to cry again.
If Mom was going to be mad about the whole doctor thing with me, then fine. As soon as she yelled at Leena, I guess I thought one little doctor’s appointment wouldn’t exactly hurt things. Maybe it would quiet down for a little while.
So I go, dreading the worst. All they want is a blood test so they can see if I’m eligible for some other new trial thing that I’ll probably be allergic to anyway. After that’s over, one of the nurses tells me that given my previous history, I should go to the cafeteria to eat something before I go home.
I read a swiped magazine and eat some sugar free Jell-O in the mostly empty cafeteria. And then someone sits down across from me.
He’s wearing a plain grey sweatshirt and a black beanie. His face is all blotchy, and his eyes are rimmed with red like he’s been crying. But that’s not what the most disturbing thing is. What freaks me out the most is the color of his eyes, or rather, the
lack
of color in his eyes. The usual bright blue has been replaced with the color of an iceberg.
I jump when I see him.
He doesn’t say anything, but his eyes dart around the cafeteria like he’s looking for someone.
I try to be casual. “So what brings you here on this fine day, free flu shots?” Not a very funny joke, but he’s really freaking me out. I’ve never seen anyone look like this.
Still, he says nothing. He stares at his hands underneath the table.
“Myles, what are you doing here?” I finally ask.
He’s quiet for the longest time before he speaks. “Do you think I could talk to you…somewhere?”
“Uhm.” I don’t like the idea of being alone with him, just from past experience in being alone with a guy.
“Please?” he asks. His eyes meet mine for the first time since he sat down and everything on his face seems to be in pain. He looks so desperate that I find it hard to think anything bad could be in store for me. I should just leave anyway. Ignore him. But I cave. “Okay.”
Myles and I sit down on a bench underneath a huge tree at the park. It’s a public place, and it’s only a few blocks from my house. He wraps his arms around himself. At first he says nothing. I don’t want to force him to talk, so I watch the other people around us through my sunglasses.
“Thank you for letting me come and talk with you,” he says after some time.
“Sure.” I shrug.
“I didn’t mean to bother you. I shouldn’t be bothering you.”
I don’t want him to be all upset like this. It’s weird. “You aren’t bothering me.” I pretend to pick lint off of my coat.
He’s silent for a long time. I watch the people around us so he can gather his thoughts. Myles stares at the ground, then some geese splashing in the pond nearby, then back at me. “Have you ever…” he trails off, thinking. “Have you ever had something bad happen to you, and feel like you couldn’t trust anyone enough to tell them?” He looks back at the ground.
“Kind of,” I answer, trying to get him to look at me.
Kind of is an understatement.
He opens his mouth to say something but stops.
“What is it?” I ask. I stare out at the pond now. Some little girl is trying to feed the geese bread. She's getting her shoes wet.
“I shouldn’t be bothering you,” he repeats, shaking his head. I should think he’s bothering me, shouldn’t I? But he’s my friend, right? So I should probably be trying to help in some way.
“Myles, I already told you, you aren’t bothering me. If you were, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
He looks at me and nods with a twitch of a smile, that dimple disappearing too fast. He then stares back to the pond, thinking about something that I can’t even guess. “I shouldn’t be telling you any of this,” he says so quietly that I barely hear him.
What would a friend say here? “Look, I’m really good at keeping secrets if that’s what you’re worried about. You can tell me anything and I won’t tell anyone else.” I really do mean this.
I’m awesome at keeping things from people. I’ve had lots of practice.
He doesn’t move. This is driving me crazy, but I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable. I’m not very good with this sort of thing. I stare back at the little girl. She's completely fallen into the pond at this point, her mother is scooping her out and scolding her. She told her not to get too close to the water.
I resolve to get straight to it. “Myles, what happened?” I ask as gently as I can.
His eyes shift around, unsure of what to do next. “Can I show you?” he says out of nowhere.
I think about walking away again. What if I say yes? It could be some kind of invitation for him to take advantage of me. “Uhm,” I say.
Without waiting for me to finish my answer, he takes a deep breath and rolls up the sleeves of his shirt, revealing marks engraved in his milky white skin.
I gasp. “What the hell?”
It’s one thing when someone hurts themselves. It’s another when you have no say in when you get hurt or who is hurting you. These marks don’t look self inflicted. They look vicious. Not Precise. Sloppy. Where the bruises are, the skin’s indented. Around those imprints are dark red stains. Blood that’s too afraid to reach the surface, but still there.
Before I can stop myself, I’m moving closer. I should be tensing up with him so near, but his body beats me to it. He stares at the ground yet again. Rolls his sleeves back down. “I haven’t been home for three days. I’ve been staying with friends. I couldn’t bring myself to even tell them what happened.”
“What happened?” I repeat, trying not to sound too freaked.
“I don’t think I can tell you that.” I almost don’t hear him.
“Why not?” I ask.
“I’m sorry. I can’t,” is all he says.
Then he rests his head in his hands so I can’t see his face.
It takes me a minute to figure out exactly what is happening.
Oh my God, he’s crying.
I’m good with little kids crying. Little kids cry because it’s the only thing they can do sometimes. Grownups are supposed to be in control. When grownups cry, it’s harder to know what to do.
I’m shocked. I’m confused. I’m most of all concerned that whoever did this will try to do it again. I don’t know why I’m allowing myself to care so much, but I do.
“It’s okay,” I try to sound comforting. I don't even know if that helps or makes it worse. I don't know if it's okay.
He shakes his head.
“Is this something that could happen again?” I ask.
His hands ball into fists over his face and there’s the longest pause. Just when I’m about to stop badgering him, he answers me: “No.”
I hesitate, but I think about if I were upset and crying. Well that’s not a good example, I wouldn’t want anyone to touch me or be near me, and I don’t even know
how
to cry. So then I think about what I would do if Leena were crying, what she would want me to do.
I place my hand on his back, I swallow hard so I don’t get the urge to puke. I half expect him to pull away. “You haven’t told anyone besides me, have you?” I ask as gently as I can.
It’s extremely quiet when he’s stopped crying. He nods.
Why? Why not tell his friends? His
real
friends. The ones he’s known longer than me?
“I showed my mom because I thought she could help. She works at the hospital. But I’m afraid that I just made her worry more,” he says.
“Why haven’t you been home?”
“I don’t want to cause her any more problems than she needs.”
“I’m sure she doesn't think about it that way.” Now I’m just talking out of my ass.
He shakes his head. “I wish I could explain,” he says softly.
I try to not jump to conclusions, but someone definitely beat him up. His father, maybe? It’s none of my business. “It’s okay if you don’t want me to know. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
He sniffs. “You don’t?”
It catches me off guard that he would think I wouldn’t care. You have to care about your friends.
He doesn’t say anything for a minute. “I shouldn’t have told you any of this.”
“Well, I’m glad you did. I was kind of…I don’t know, concerned?”
His body relaxes a little. His eyes start to look more normal. They’re still light and red and puffy, but there’s life behind them now. “Why were
you
at the hospital?” he asks.
I know that he’s just trying to change the subject so he can forget about his problems for now.
“It’s like you were saying,” I stare out at the now empty pond. “Some people have things happen to them that they feel like they can’t tell anyone about.”
He looks so sad. I don’t want to think about how he could possibly be worried about me as well, which is what his face says. After he stares at me like that for I don’t know how long, I spill the beans.
I tell him everything. Every detail of my pathetic little problem. I don’t know why I do this. It’s not like me to tell big portions of my life to people, not even Trei or Boo, but I tell him anyway. I tell him about the experiments and being sick as a kid. I tell him about not wanting to go back to Dr H’s and then going back anyway.
What shocks me more than my impromptu confession is Myles’ reaction. “Is that all? You can’t be out in the sun?” he asks.
“Well, not without protecting my eyes and skin. That’s why I was at the hospital, my doctor is there.” I’m surprised by how he’s not even looking at me like I’m insane.
He laughs. “I thought you were sick or hurt, that’s a relief.”
“A relief?”
“It doesn’t shock me as much as you thought it would?”
“Well, this wasn’t exactly the reaction I was expecting. Usually people break out the albino or vampire jokes.”
“Want to know something?” he asks me.
“What?”
“I used be like you.”
Here comes the shock again.
“Uhm. What?” I manage.
He sniffs, kicks a pebble on the ground. “The sun used to bother me too,” his voice is quiet.
How is this possible?
“I grew out of it though,” he says quickly after. “I kind of guessed you had the same problem.” He smiles to himself. “The tinted windows, the shades. And I found it hard to believe you were cold all the time.”
I swallow hard, not knowing what to do with this information.
He’s just like me in that way. At least he used to be before he grew out of it. I can’t believe that he of all people has this one thing in common with me.
We sit in silence for I don’t even know how long, but it’s not uncomfortable. I think we’re both soaking in what we just told each other. I’m still worried and confused about what he told me. If someone had hurt him like that, why wouldn’t he tell the police or something?
Well if that isn’t the most hypocritical thing I’ve ever thought. But still, why did he pick me of all people to tell? And what if it
does
happen again? And then the whole sun thing. It’s overwhelming.
It’s getting dark and Myles seems to have calmed down a lot so we get back in my car. I’m momentarily wigged when an empty house greets me.
There’s a note on the fridge:
Spending the night with friends in AC. Leena will be home soon. Make sure you get your sister to bed at a decent hour.
-Mom
I try calling Boo and Trei, then Stevie and Jade, but they’re all busy. Laura isn’t mentioned in the note, so I guess she’s not coming home either. There’s no way around it. Myles and I are for the most part, alone in my house. Thankfully, Leena is dropped off by her friend’s mom soon after I read the note, so I can distract myself by suggesting us and Leena watch some movies.
Surprisingly, it works. I go for a few hours not worrying about what is going on with my new friend, how I feel about being alone in my house with him, or feeling like I have to puke because we are in fact alone, not including Leena. Time goes by pretty fast. Before I know it, it’s dark outside and Leena is asking me to tuck her in.
When I’m coming back into the living room, Myles is by the door. “I should probably get going,” he says softly. I can tell that he doesn’t want to go home. Something in his face tells me that he’s scared. I think about how Myles is supposed to be my friend. What if it was Boo or Trei? And how many times have I myself been afraid to go home?
My mind starts jumping to all sorts of conclusions as to why he would be scared. I know he thinks he’s worrying his mom too much, but that doesn’t seem like enough. What if the person who did this to him is there waiting for him, and I’m the one who lets him go home? “Myles, do you want to stay here?” It seems to spring out of my mouth like a jack in the box.
He looks at me like I’m playing some cruel joke on him. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
I agree. I don’t want to be in my house with a guy, but I don’t want him to go home. What the hell is wrong with me today? “It’ll be fun,” I don’t sound very convincing.
No response.
“C’mon, there’s a really nice pull out in the basement,” I try again.
He thinks to himself, sighs and slowly nods.
I give him some of Jade’s old clothes to sleep in. He looks at them gratefully. “Thank you.”
I tell him where the bathroom is so he can change. In the basement, I unfold the bed from the sofa. Myles emerges, Jade’s clothes slightly too tight for his body.
…That I’m not going to look at.
“Sorry, those were the biggest ones I could find. Jade has the body of a teenage girl,” I say, trying to lift the mood.
“These are fine.” He looks down at the old pink Floyd t-shirt and black sweatpants. He folds his arms across his chest. He probably doesn’t want me staring at them.
We’re both quiet as I get a blanket and make the bed.
“I really appreciate this,” he says when I’m done. He’s looking into my eyes. I don’t like it. It’s like he can see right through me, and that thought is just way too much for me to handle.
“Don’t mention it.” I head for the stairs. “If you want to watch TV, the remote is in the cabinet and there’s a ton of books in that book case over there,” I say pointing to the corner. “Just don’t touch my love,” I say without thinking.
“Your what?” He looks like he's going to laugh.
Thoroughly embarrassed, I just point to my shiny black piano, sitting against the back wall where it’s always waiting for me.
“Oh, okay then,” he says with a smile. He almost looks like himself again.
I go up to my bed and lay there sleepless, staring up at the pink glow in the dark stars that Leena and I stuck there. I’m trying not to think about the decision I made to let Myles spend the night. He seems pretty harmless and I refuse to believe that he’d do anything bad to me. But I lock my door anyway; I’m not taking any chances. Even if I do believe what I’m telling myself, I lock my door anyway. I’m not taking any chances. He seems pretty much harmless. Still, Myles hasn't given me a reason not to help him, and he needed my help so I gave it to him. I remind myself of this especially. I may have to dig to find it, but I do have a heart. I’m capable of helping a friend regardless of how rarely I will help myself.