Super Sad True Love Story (5 page)

P.S. I met this old, gross guy at a party yesterday and we got really drunk and I sort of let him go down on me. There was another even older guy, this sculptor, trying to get in my pants, so I figured, you know, the lesser evil. Ugh, I’m turning into you!!!!! He was nice, kind of dorky, although he thinks he’s so Media cause he works in biotech or something. And he had the grossest feet, bunions and this gigantic heel spur that sticks out like he’s got a thumb glued to his foot. I know, I’m thinking like my dad. Anyway, he brushes his teeth all wrong, so I had to SHOW A GROWN MAN HOW TO USE A TOOTHBRUSH!!!!! What is wrong with my life, precious pony?

GRILLBITCH
TO
EUNI-TARD ABROAD:

Hey, Precious Panda!

OK, let me just say this: Ass Hoo-kah, you are majorly sick? How old was this guy? Why did you touch his feet? Are you a secret toe muncher? I am sending you a cleaning bill because I am completely VOMITING as I write this. OK, forget the wheelchair geezer. This Ben guy sounds really Media, and he works in Credit, so he must be FILTHY FUCKING RICH. Wish Gopher could get a job with LandO’LakesGMFord. Now for Grillbitch’s patent advice: Go with him to Lucca, where is that exactly?, treat him like shit during the first day, let him fuck you HARD the first night, then leave him completely confused the rest of the time. He’ll fall for you pronto, especially after you let him plunder your MAGIC PUSSY!!! And on the way back to Rome be all nice, so that he’s left with a good impression but still not sure of himself.

So here’s what’s up here. This Filipino guy had a party in Redondo. Pat Alvarez, do you remember him from Catholic? And Wendy Snatch showed up in Onionskin jeans and a nippleless Saaami bra and then she starts grinding on Gopher’s lap. He was like trying to push her off but she said maybe you want me and your girlfriend to thresh each other and all the time she is practically POKING his eye out with her nipple, which is one of those big fat pink DISGUSTING white girls nips. So Gopher’s looking
at me with this expression, like, yeah, you can thresh each other if you want too or not that’s totally cool just don’t make a scene. And anyway all these Flip girls who just graduated from UC Irvine are threshing the shit out of each other in the living room trying to impress some white guy (not Gopher) so I teened her like I DON’T THINK SO, WENDY SNATCH. Only I didn’t say it in CAPS, it was more like no thank you and that’s my BOYFRIEND’S crotch you’re humping. And she actually came up to me PHYSICALLY and VERBALLED me like “Oh, I thought you were a lez cause you went to Elderbird, I didn’t know you were a feminazi too” and I was like “Yeah, but even if I was the biggest lez in America I wouldn’t thresh you with a fucking combine” and then guess where she ended up by the end of the party? In the bathtub getting ass-reamed and face-pissed by Pat Alvarez and three of his friends who taped everything and then put it on GlobalTeens the next day. GUESS how high her ratings went up? Personality 764 and Fuckability 800+. What is WRONG with people?

CHUNG.WON.PARK
TO
EUNI-TARD ABROAD:

Eunhee,

Yesterday your LSAT come. Sally try to hide anvelope from me. You score 158. Very low. Even for rutgers law you do not get in. I dissapoint that you have same score as last time. It mean you not student enough for that. I now sometimes life is suck, but you are twenty-four. Big girl. I cannot push you any long. You must study and when you study you must not do anything! Dating nice boy extra. But all the time you must to be careful with him because you are woman. Do not give away mystery. Are there any korea boy in rome? Please forgive I have terrible english.

I Love you,

Mommy

P.S. Daddy says I shouldn’t say I Love you, because I spoil you and korea parent don’t say Love you to children, but I do Love you from deep in my heart so I say it!

EUNI-TARD ABROAD
TO
CHUNG.WON.PARK:

Mom, please put ten thousand yuan-pegged dollars into my AlliedWasteCVSCitigroupCredit account. I’ll take the LSAT again when I get back. Ethel Kim got 154 on her LSAT and she took three test-prep classes, so whatever. I’m doing fine. It’s hard to work here because you need a
permesso soggiorno
, which is a kind of green card, and they hate Americans. Otherwise I would have to work as an au pair or something. I’m already volunteering three hours a week at the refugee shelter. Did you tell that to Daddy? No, there are no Korean boys in Rome. Rome is in Italy. Look at a map.

CHUNG.WON.PARK
TO
EUNI-TARD ABROAD:

Eunhee,

How do you think you have Mommy for? Any way you have trouble you write to me, not only for when you need money. When you work lawyer Mommy proud of you and you do not ask her for money. You will be proud also because you help Mommy and family. Family is most important, otherwise why GOD put us on earth? I very worry for you and Sally. Daddy not feeling good. Maybe all is my fault. I pray in church extra for you. Reverend Cho say all young people have special path. Do you know what it is your special path? Please tell me if you know, other wise we look together. And keep Jesu in your heart. It is important! Also there are korean boys everywhere. Go to korean church and you will find date. Maybe you do not understand my bad english.

I Love you,

Mommy

EUNI-TARD ABROAD
TO
CHUNG.WON.PARK:

What do you mean Daddy’s not feeling good? If anything bad is happening you and Sally have to go to Eunhyun’s house. Mom! Forget freaking Jesu for a second. THIS IS IMPORTANT. You’re making me very scared. Did he do anything to you or Sally? I tried to call the house eight
times yesterday but all I got is the voice mail. Verbal me on my GlobalTeens account when you get this!

CHUNG.WON.PARK
TO
EUNI-TARD ABROAD:

Eunhee,

Do not make uncomfortable yourself. Daddy drink a little much and he get mad because I make soon-dubu with spoilt tofu. I told Sally to go for walk but she sleep in guess room and I sleep in basement. So all okay! Did you get transfer fund to AlliedWaste? Check make sure. It a lot of money so don’t make me dissapoint. Enjoy rome, you make good student at Elderbird, you deserve. But now your life just begin. Do not make anymore mistake! Stay away from meeguk boy. They all have bad intent, even christian ones. I pray to Jesu every day that you find kind happiness I never have, because maybe I make sin against GOD. I have so much ashame. Write Sally more. She miss you. You have big responsibility because you big sister. I am very sorry you not get LSAT score you wanted. You sad, Mommy sad. When you hurt, Mommy hurt more.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Sally! What is going on with mom and dad?

SALLYSTAR:
Nothing. He got upset because of the soon-dubu. What do you care?

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Why are you angry at ME?

SALLYSTAR:
I’m not angry. Leave me alone. Do they have Saaami summer bras in Rome?

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Yes, but they’re eighty euros.

SALLYSTAR:
How much is that?

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Way too much. You can get it much cheaper at the Saaami store on Elizabeth Street or just order on TeenyBopper. Why do you want to wear a bra that lets everyone see your nipples? And I thought you didn’t care about fashion.

SALLYSTAR:
Everyone’s wearing them. Even in Fort Lee.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Who in Fort Lee?

SALLYSTAR:
Grace Lee’s sister.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Bona? She’s an idiot.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Sally, did dad hit you?

SALLYSTAR:
He says he misses California. The office was empty all week. All the Koreans in NJ already have podiatrists. Mom’s acting like a space cadet.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Fine, don’t answer my question. Thanks for hiding my LSAT.

SALLYSTAR:
Mom found it anyway. What’s up?

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
I met a cute white guy here. He works for LandO’LakesGMFord.

SALLYSTAR:
It’s easier to date a Korean guy. For the families and everything.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Thanks, Mom.

SALLYSTAR:
I’m just saying.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Yeah, maybe I’ll date a Korean guy like dad. That’s called “a pattern.”

SALLYSTAR:
Whatever. You take his money. I have to go to a meeting at 1.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
What meeting?

SALLYSTAR:
Columbia-Tsinghua protest against the ARA. We’re going to DC in a week.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
What’s ARA?

SALLYSTAR:
American Restoration Authority. The Bipartisans. Don’t you ever stream the news?

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
You ARE angry at me.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Sally, you don’t have to live with mom and dad. You can go live at the Barnard dorm. You can get a paid internship or a job in a store. I don’t want you getting Political. Let’s just try to enjoy our lives.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Sally? Hello? Do you want me to come home? I’ll fly back tomorrow if you want me to. I’ll take care of mom.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Sally, please don’t be angry at me. I’m sorry I’m not there when you and mommy need me. I’m such a fuck-up.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Sally? Hello? You’ve probably left. It’s one o’clock your time.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD:
Sally, I love you.

LEONARDO DABRAMOVINCI
TO
EUNI-TARD ABROAD:

Oh, hi there. It’s Lenny Abramov. You might remember me from our little time in Rome. Thanks for brushing my teeth! Hee hee. So, anyway, just got back to the US of A. I’ve been practicing my abbreviations. I think you said ROFLAARP in Rome. Does that mean “Rolling On Floor Looking At Addictive Rodent Pornography”? See, I’m not that old! Anyway, been thinking about you. Coming to NYC anytime soon? You’ve got a place to stay here. I’ve got a nice place all set up, 740 square feet, balcony, view of downtown. Can’t compete with da tonino, but I make a pretty mean roasted eggplant. I can even sleep on the couch if you want me to. Call or write anytime. It was really, really, REALLY great to meet you. I’m committing the constellation of your freckles to memory as I write this (hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable).

Love,

Leonard

THE OTTER STRIKES BACK

JUNE 4
New York City

Dearest Diary,

I saw the fat man at the first-class lounge at Fiumicino. There’s a special terminal for flights to the United States and SecurityState Israel, the most dilapidated terminal at the Roman airport, where everyone who is not a passenger is basically carrying a gun or pointing some sort of scanning gizmo at you. There aren’t even seats for the economy-class passengers by the gates, because they can scan you better standing up, get between your folds of flesh and light you up like a six-hundred-watt bulb. Anyway, life’s a lot better in the first-class lounge, and that’s where I went to see if I could find some last-minute High Net Worth Individuals, some potential Life Lovers who might be interested in our Product. I could see myself strolling into boss man Joshie’s office and saying, “Look at this! Even when he’s traveling, your Lenny’s looking for prospects. I’m like a doctor. Always on call!”

First-class lounges aren’t what they used to be. Most Asian HNWIs fly private planes these days, but my äppärät picked up on some scan-able faces, an old-time porno star and a slick guy from Mumbai just starting out on his first worldwide Retail empire. They all had some money on them, if not the twenty million northern euros in investable income that I’m looking for, but there was this one guy who registered
nothing
. I mean he wasn’t there. He didn’t
have an äppärät, or it wasn’t set on “social” mode, or maybe he had paid some young Russian kid to have the outbound transmission blocked. And he looked like a nothing. The way people don’t really look anymore. Not just imperfect, but awful. A fat man with deeply recessed eyes, a collapsed chin, limp and dusty hair, a T-shirt that all but exposed his large breasts, and a gross tent of air atop where one imagined his genital would be. No one would look at him except me (and then only for a minute), because he was at the margins of society, because he was without rank, because he was ITP or Impossible to Preserve, because he had no business being mixed up with real HNWIs in a first-class lounge. Now, in hindsight, I want to imbue him with some heroism; I want to place a thick book in his hands and perch even thicker bifocals on his nose. I want him to look like Benjamin Franklin. But, then, I promised you the truth, dear diary. And the truth is that from the moment I saw him
I was scared
.