Surrender (The Forbidden Series Book 3) (8 page)

‘Do you want me to go get him?’

I nod, and as he leaves me on my own I sink to the floor and pull my knees to my chest, hugging them to me as I stare blankly at the wall opposite, the slivers of silver strands in the dark grey and black wallpaper quite mesmerising. But then I hear the door open and close and I glance up as Kris sits down beside me, mirroring my stance.

‘Y’know, I remember when Jon came to the village. How he turned all the girls’ heads because he was so different to all the other boys. And when he got that motorbike…’ He laughs quietly and bows his head and I can’t help but smile slightly at the memory of Jon’s red and black Yamaha. ‘He used to ride it through the village, much to his parents’ – and everyone else’s parents’, come to think of it – annoyance. Remember?’

I nod. ‘I rode pillion, once. He took me out of the village and along this quiet country road he used to use when he wanted to get some speed up. Dad was beyond furious when he found out, but he never really said anything much, because he didn’t want to rock the boat with Jon’s parents.’ It’s my turn to bow my head. ‘And that was the problem all along, wasn’t it? Nobody wanted to rock the boat.’

‘Kira…’

‘I have to leave the past behind once and for all, Kris.’

‘And that includes me, does it?’

I raise my head and our eyes lock.

‘Don’t do this to me, kiddo. Please. It doesn’t have to be this way.’

I lean in to him and he slides an arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer and I snuggle in against him. ‘I can’t stay with him, Kris. With Jon. I can’t stay with him. Not now.’

‘Because he’s part of the past?’

‘Because of so many things.’

‘Is this
my
fault? Me turning up like this?’

I hug his waist tight, clenching his shirt between my fingers because I’m still trying to believe he’s really here. ‘When you turned up I… it brought back a lot of memories. And a lot of them I didn’t want to remember, but... I’ve been running for too long, Kris. I found what I was looking for, but I let myself become distracted when Jon turned up. I let myself think that going back was the only way I could move forward but I was wrong. I need to stand still. For once in my life I need to stand still.’

He kisses the top of my head and rubs my shoulder and I just want to stay here, with him, like this. I don’t want to move, don’t want to face what I have to do next. But I know I have to. I can’t let this go on. It’s gone on long enough, and now it’s time to surrender. To everything.

It’s time to wave that white flag, and surrender…

Neal

I should have expected it, should have seen it coming, but when he flies at me, pushing me back against the wall so hard I feel a very real shot of pain tear through me, I’m still somewhat shocked.

‘You’re really gonna take her from me, huh?’

He’s so close to me I can smell the stale cigarette smoke and alcohol on his breath, but can I blame him? For feeling this way? No, I can’t. Because I know exactly how he feels. I’ve been there. I’ve felt it, that pain, that frustration; I’ve fucking felt it, so I know how he’s feeling. And I can’t blame him.

‘It’s not my decision to make, Jon.’

He glares at me, his eyes burning into mine with an overwhelming intensity. And then he just lets go and steps back from me, an almost defeated look sweeping over his face. He’s tired, I get that. The fighting, it’s exhausting. And this fight has been fucking hard, but it’s coming to an end, I can feel it. We’re gonna get a winner.

‘It’s not my decision to make,’ I repeat, and I look at him, right at him, and I feel his despair seep through into me. Does he already know the outcome? Has he sensed that air of inevitability?

He sinks to his haunches and bows his head, clasping his hands between his knees. ‘I know.’ He stands back up and pushes both hands through his hair, a deep sigh of frustration wracking his entire body. ‘And I understand, y’know?’ He looks right at me, and I don’t know what to feel now. Everything’s so surreal and strange and uncertain. ‘I understand, why this has happened. Why she’s gonna choose you, because she will. She already has. She chose you the second we stepped off that plane… no. No, she chose you sooner than that. She chose you the second her brother turned up and reminded her of everything she didn’t want to go back to. And that includes me. She doesn’t want to go back, to me, not anymore.’ He shrugs, and again I feel his frustration at being part of a fight you stand no chance of winning. Like I said, I’ve been there. But now I might have that second chance I’ve been dreaming of since the day she left New York. ‘She doesn’t want to go back, and I understand.’

‘She hasn’t come to me yet, Jon.’

He nods, and the smile he gives me is one of resignation. He’s accepting defeat before it’s been handed out. ‘She will. She’ll come to you, and I get it, I do. I get it. Because I can’t give her what
you
can.’ He shakes his head, his eyes down on the ground. ‘I can’t do it.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper, because I can’t seem to make my voice go any higher. ‘I’m really sorry, that things have turned out this way. That people got hurt and…’

‘Just treat her well, OK? Make her happy. Keep her safe.’

‘That’s a given.’

He smiles again, and digs his hands in his pockets as he turns to go without another word. I think we’ve said all there is to say now.

‘That’s a given,’ I whisper to myself as I’m left alone outside. And I wait.

For her to come to me.

For us to start a life together.

Finally.

I wait…

Eight

Kira

I look up as he walks into the room, his hands in his pockets, his eyes locked on mine. And I feel all kinds of pain, emotions I didn’t even know existed crashing into one other as he comes closer, and as much as I want this all to go away and leave us alone, it isn’t going to. We took our chance, and I’d really thought it was working, but in reality it was just too late.

He stops in front of me and tucks a finger under my chin, kissing me gently, and I feel my breath catch in my throat as it tightens and I have to really dig deep to stop the tears from falling. The mess we caused, it never went away, it just got bigger, more dangerous, and it’s time to end it now; to stop it from spreading once and for all because none of us have really been able to move on, no matter how much we might think we have. It’s all just been pretend; make believe. Denial. We took our chance. But it was just too late.

‘I’m so sorry, Jon.’

He shakes his head and drops his gaze and I feel like the past twelve months have been nothing more than a dream. But maybe Joey’s right – as much as I loved our new life, could I really have stuck it out forever? Was I really going to be happy serving burgers and bringing up kids; planning play dates and back yard barbecues? For a while, yeah, maybe. For a while it sounded like a beautiful idea. Something normal. Something ordinary. For a while, it sounded perfect. Ordinary, it was good. For a while. But I never really did do normal. I just needed to try it, to know how it felt; to know I couldn’t do it forever.

‘We tried, Kira.’

He looks up, and his eyes once more lock with mine and I know that, despite this being a decision that makes my heart break a million times over, it’s the right thing to do. And maybe we could’ve made this work by moving farther away, going back to the UK, leaving Neal and anything connected to him as far away as possible. But I don’t think it would have mattered how far away from Neal Cannon I was. He came into my life, and he never really left it. He isn’t going to. And I don’t think I love him, I don’t. I can’t, not yet. What I thought was love – it wasn’t that, but it was
something
. And I need that something; I need
him
. I need someone who never knew Kate; never knew that life.

‘We tried, kid.’

I reach out and gently touch his cheek, smiling slightly, and he covers my hand with his, his fingers curling around mine and I close my eyes and enjoy that feeling of safety and familiarity. Because I’m about to leave it behind, for good this time.

‘I’m just sorry I couldn’t be
him
, Kira.’

I shake my head and kiss him lightly, and his hand slides into the small of my back and pushes me against him and he holds me. He just holds me, and I lie against him, keeping my eyes closed as we just stand there and cling on to the last few minutes of our life together; a life that’s being ripped away from us far too fast. The dream is coming to an end; a sudden, painful end and there’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to let it go. But there’s a bigger part that knows I have to. I don’t want normal, I know that now. I’d moved too far, changed too much, and what I once thought I wanted more than anything, I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want it forever. I want excitement, risk; I want uncertainty and danger. I want to wake up each day after just a few hours sleep and not know what’s going to happen. I want Neal Cannon.

‘I never stopped loving you, Jon. I want you to know that. I never, ever stopped loving you. But the mess we made, I think it was just too big to ever put right.’

He grips my hand tighter and rests his forehead against mine. ‘Do you love
him
?’

‘No.’

‘Do you think you ever will?’

‘I don’t know. What I have with him it’s – it’s something different, something that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to love him, like I love you. But I need him, Jon. Because he
isn’t
you. He’s so far away from you, and I think
that’s
what I need.’

He pulls me back against him and once more we just hold each other, a heavy silence filling the room and I honestly feel like I’m finally waking up after the longest sleep; the most vivid dream. But now reality waits for me. And I’m grabbing it, and this time I’m never letting go.

‘We’re dismantling an entire life we’ve built up for ourselves, Kira.’

‘I know,’ I whisper, and I feel a rush of guilt surge forward. He should never have come back. He should never have kept on looking for me. He should never have put himself through this. And
I
shouldn’t have let him. ‘I know.’

I pull away from him and step back, my eyes down on the floor, my arms folded against myself. The guilt’s too much now, I can’t even look at him.

‘Are you going to stay? In Maine?’

‘Yes. Kira, look at me, darlin’. Come on.’

I slowly raise my head and I can’t believe we’re doing this. Two days ago I thought we were settled. I thought our life was almost perfect; that we were going to get married and live the kind of happily-ever-after we’d always talked about. I was happy. I was in love. And yet now we’re standing here, in Joey’s bedroom, saying goodbye. It’s too quick, too sudden, but it’s happening. The arrival of my brother has caused a whirlwind of events that nobody saw coming, but they’re happening. And we can’t stop them.

‘I love that life, kid. I love
our
life. So I’m gonna keep on living it.’

My eyes dip back to the floor, and I really don’t know what to say now. Sorry isn’t enough. Goodbye is too painful.

‘It’s changed you too much, Kira, I get that now.’

I look back up at him, and he holds out his hand and I take it, letting him pull me back into his arms.

‘It’s changed you too much.’

We can’t even stay friends. The situation we’ve created, the mess we’ve made; we can’t even be friends. We need to cut those ties forever now. We need to walk away and never, ever look back and that’s hard for me to take, it really is. But that’s what we need to do.

‘I’d better get out of here, huh?’

He smiles and I feel like dying. It’s so sad, what we’ve done to ourselves. How complicated and unnecessary we let our lives become. It’s sad.

‘I’m so sorry, Jon.’

‘Yeah. So am I, princess.’

His mouth lowers down onto mine and I wrap my arms around him and fall into his kiss, living what was almost ours for just a few seconds longer until he pulls back and lets me go. And our eyes meet, and the expression on his face almost floors me. I can’t believe this is happening, it’s too surreal to take in.

‘You take care, kid. You hear me?’

I can’t say anything. I can’t even nod, I can’t give him any kind of reaction because if I move I might change my mind and make him stay. And I can’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair. So instead I just watch him walk away and try to work out why I’m so bloody calm when I’ve just said goodbye to everything I ever wanted…

Neal

I lean back against the wall and watch as Jon says something to Joey, and they hug quickly before Kira’s brother approaches him and they too share a brief conversation. I watch as they embrace, and her brother leans in to speak to the man I thought had defeated me. But it would seem my luck has changed while his has come crashing down around him. And that doesn’t make me feel smug or glad that I’ve won. This was a game that should never have been played. I never wanted to hurt anyone. But sometimes collateral damage happens. I just don’t feel good about it.

I look down into my glass of whiskey before raising my gaze just in time to see Jon leave, and with his departure come feelings of relief and sadness. I’ve won. I’ve got the girl of my dreams back where I need her to be; with me. But I don’t know how this is gonna work now. Things can’t be like they were before, too much has happened. And I’m nervous, yeah, I’m fucking nervous. I love her, but I know she doesn’t love me, not the way I want her to love me. I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to do that, and that fills me with fear and a panic I can’t control. But I have her. She’s back, and she’s mine. She’s fucking mine.

‘Neal?’

I hadn’t even realised I’d been looking down, not until I heard his voice, and I glance up to see her brother standing there in front of me. ‘Hey…’ I frown, because I can’t remember his name. Have I been
told
his name? I don’t know. My head’s all over the place and I’m not sure if it’ll ever be straight again.

‘Kris.’ He smiles, and I feel my shoulders sag with a small sense of relief.

‘Kris.’

‘Look, I… Tonight’s been a bit of an ordeal, huh?’

Quite an understatement, that one. But, yeah, he’s right. It has.

‘But this is where we start to piece all the crap together, OK?’

I frown slightly, because I’m not sure what he’s saying; what he’s trying to do.

‘I don’t want her to stay here, Neal. In New York. I want her to come back home, where she belongs…’

‘She belongs
here
.’

He looks at me, and there’s a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth but I’ve yet to work out whether it’s friendly or not. ‘She’s still a mess. Inside. She might think she’s come through everything, and she has, to some extent. She’s dealt with everything she’s been through pretty well, in my opinion. But the
way
she’s dealt with it…’ He bows his head and runs a hand along the back of his neck, laughing quietly, before he raises his gaze and meets mine. ‘The
way
she’s dealt with it – that’s torn me in two. To see what my sister became, what he drove her to do; what her
family
drove her to do. That breaks my fucking heart. But at the same time it’s made her stronger. She’s not the woman I remember. She’s so far from that it’s crazy. But she’s still a mess. Inside. What’s happened here, tonight – what my arrival has caused, it’s been hard. On everyone. But this is where we start to piece all the crap together.
This
is where we start to do that. And I don’t want her to stay here, I want her to come home, but she isn’t going to do that. She isn’t willing to forgive everyone who killed Kate…’

‘Kate?’

He smiles slightly, and I feel my stomach contract as another piece of Kira’s old life is revealed.

‘That was her name. Before. Kate. Kate Reynolds. Didn’t she tell you that?’

I shake my head and look down, taking a second or two to pull myself together. ‘She said I didn’t need to know who she used to be.’

‘You don’t. She’s right. Kate’s gone, and as much as I’m still having trouble getting my head around that, I accept that’s what she needs to happen. She needs to start again. But I still don’t want her to stay, here. I want her to come home, but she really isn’t willing to forgive those who forced her to kill Kate and create Kira. She can’t forgive, and I get that. It’s understandable. But, as much as I want her to change her mind and come back to the UK with me, I can’t make her do that. I can’t. So, she’s going to stay here, and you’re going to make sure she’s OK. She chose
you
, Neal. She chose an uncertain future over a past she knew too well, so
you
… you have to deal with that. You have to live with that.’

‘It’s all I want, Kris.
She’s
all I want…’

‘Then you take care of her. By all means let her think she’s in control, that she’s dealing with everything, but you – you have to take care of her.’

‘She doesn’t need me to do that. You don’t know her…’

‘No, I don’t. I know who she
used
to be, but I have no idea who she really is now so, yeah, you’re right. I
don’t
know her. Which is why I need you to look after her, for me. To stop me worrying, to stop me from dragging her back to the UK where I’d like her to be. I don’t know who she is, but you do. So you look after my sister. OK?’