Surrendering to Us (32 page)

“Thanks.”

“Rough day?”

“Something like that. But we just had a therapy session yesterday, so I’m not going to bug you again. I’ve got this.”

She shrugged one shoulder.

“You can if you need to. I’m here. Just over there. Write me a note and make a paper airplane or something.” Paper airplanes made me think of Lucah.

Lucah, Lucah, Lucah.

“Thanks, I’ll consider it.” She went back to her desk and I sunk further into my distraction.

I couldn’t wait for work to be over, and when I met Lucah by the elevator, I wanted to throw myself on him and cry.

But I didn’t. Instead I greeted him formally and kept the three-foot buffer as we rode down to the ground floor. Some of the sadness from the morning had dissipated, but I could still see it on his face.

“Everything okay?” I asked as we walked toward the T station.

“It is now.” His kiss was bittersweet. I opened my mouth to ask him if he wanted to talk about the comment Ryder had made, but then I couldn’t. I realized that I didn’t know how to talk to Lucah about his parents. I didn’t know what to say. I still had both of my parents, and on some level I almost felt guilty for that. It might be crazy, but it was how I felt.

We were mostly silent on the way back home. Lucah was lost in thought, and I had no idea what to say.

Luckily, Ryder and Sloane were around when we got back, so we could talk to them, and not each other. Ryder seemed to have forgotten about the events of the morning and talked freely of his therapy session, and Sloane talked about how behind she was on her fashion show and how she had to fire some of her interns because they didn’t know how to sew.

“You can fire interns?” Ryder asked.

“I can do whatever I want. It’s my company,” she said with a grin and he smiled back.

Lucah put on a performance, smiling and laughing and participating in the conversation, but it was just that. A performance. I knew him well enough now to know when he was putting it on and when he was being real. I suspected Ryder knew as well, but he didn’t make any comment about it.

We got ready for bed silently and I climbed in next to him and I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Talk to me,” I said. I didn’t care what he said as long as he said something.

“What do you want me to say?” He wasn’t angry, just curious.

“You’ve barely talked to me all day.”

“What are you talking about? We just talked when we were having dinner.”

“But you were upset. I can tell. You were using your corporate spy skills to put on a show.” He turned so he could look at my face.

“And what makes you think that?”

“Because I know. I know you. Are you still upset about what Ryder said this morning?”

“No,” he said in a completely unconvincing voice.

“There. Right there. You’re not telling me the truth. I can hear it in your voice.”

He looked at me for a long time before he said anything.

“What do you want me to say?” he repeated.

“I want you to tell me what you’re thinking. I want you to be able to share things with me. Not just the good things, but the bad things. I want to know everything.” I stroked his hair, trying to make him understand.

“I know you do. I’ve opened up a lot, but it’s hard, Rory. I have a difficult time with it. I worked for so long being someone else. It’s hard to remember how to be myself. And when I was someone else, I wasn’t someone with dead parents. I got to be whoever I wanted. It was like . . . putting off dealing with losing them. And now it’s years later and I feel like I haven’t even begun to deal with it. I don’t know how. I don’t know how.”

Just like in the presentation, he was speaking with his hands. His movements were frustrated and angry and hurt. I grabbed them and kissed them because I didn’t know what else to do.

“I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what to say, and I feel horrible that you can’t talk to me about this because I don’t know what to say or do to make it better. Every week you come with me to my parents’ house and I feel like I’m rubbing it in your face. Hey, here I am, my parents are alive—” Tears streamed down my face, but he held his hand in front of my mouth to stop me from going on.

“You don’t have to say anything. Just having you here, and knowing that you want to know about it, and you want me to talk is enough. I’m not jealous of you because your parents are alive. How could you ever think that? I wouldn’t want you to go through this hell. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, least of all the woman I love. Oh, Sunshine.” The tears kept coming and wouldn’t stop. Lucah moved his hand from my mouth, but only to keep wiping the tears away, even though there were too many and they splashed on the sheets.

“I can’t help it. I feel guilty. And now I feel guilty for feeling guilty, because you’re comforting me and it should be the other way around. I’m so sorry you got stuck with me.” He shook his head slowly back and forth, as if he couldn’t believe what I was saying.

“I don’t know whether to laugh or cry right now,” he said, cupping my chin in his hands. “But I think we need to talk. Not just tonight, but all the time. I don’t want you to hold something in for fear of telling me about it, or upsetting me. Ever. Okay?”

“Okay. But I want you to do the same. I know it’s hard for you to open up, but you need to and I need to. This goes both ways.”

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right. So how about we start now? We’ll tell each other one thing before we go to bed every night. Something that’s been bugging us all day. It can be serious or silly, but we’ll do it every night. How’s that?”

I loved the idea, and I told him so.

“Okay, so I’ll go first tonight. Yes, that comment Ryder made this morning bothered me all day and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to shut you out. I just got a little lost in the past for a while. Having him here is a constant reminder. Sometimes I deal better with it than other times.” I could understand that. I rewarded his confession with a kiss, but he didn’t let me turn it into something more like I wanted to.

“Your turn, Sunshine,” he said, pulling back and putting his hand between us so I couldn’t try to kiss him again. There were a number of things bothering me. It was going to be difficult to decide which one to tell him.

“Since I already told you about mine, which is what started this whole thing, can I be done?” I tried to give him a cute smile that would get me off the hook.

“Yes, you may have started it, but I shared with you. So I showed you mine. Now show me yours.” He moved closer to me, and I could definitely feel “his.”

“Fine. It bugs me that I have to have lunch with your ex-girlfriend. There.” I tried to kiss him, but he definitely put a stop to that.

“Wait just a second. I think I’m going to need more of an explanation than that.” Great.

“She asked me if I wanted to have lunch with her again. She’s told me that she’s not after you, but I’m still suspicious. I can’t help it. And then she came to my office like she wanted to talk about something and then she mentioned the lunch thing and ran away. I don’t want to think that she’s up to something, but she keeps behaving like she is. So that’s what’s bugging me.” I shrugged, because that seemed to be the only thing to do.

Lucah thought about that for a second.

“I’ll talk to her. I’m sure she’s not doing anything, but if it’s making you uncomfortable, it needs to be addressed.” And that was why I didn’t tell him.

“No, no. Don’t. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, which was why I didn’t tell you in the first place. You don’t have to hop on my crazy train and ride it to the station. You asked what was bugging me, I told you. Doesn’t mean you have to do something about it.”

“If that’s what you want.”

“That’s what I want.”

He sighed.

“Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do. This concludes the sharing portion of our evening, and now we shall commence with the lovemaking.” Oh thank God. I liked that part much more than the sharing. Even though I’d pretty much asked for the sharing. The sex part was so much easier. He knew my body and I knew his and we gave and took and it was almost always perfect.

And then sleep. Sleep was the second best part, but it was made better by the sharing, I had to admit. I’d read somewhere that a clean conscience made a soft pillow, or something along those lines.

God damn if it wasn’t true.

Sloane continued with her recovery, and it became a source for me to tease her about at every chance I could. Even Ryder teased her, but she didn’t get as mad at him as she got at me when I teased her. Probably because I didn’t have a penis, giant biceps and tattoos.

“You all can just shut up,” she said at dinner the next night. “Like you’ve never done anything stupid, Miss Rory. I could tell Lucah all kinds of stories if I wanted to. But I’m an adult and I keep those things to myself.” It was true. She had tons of dirt on me. That threat was all it took to shut me up.

“I shall never tease you again,” I said with my hand over my heart.

“You’re so full of shit,” she said, throwing her napkin at me.

“Only sometimes.”

The tension from the night before was gone. So the stupid sharing had worked. I felt closer to Lucah, and he was much more affectionate and real.

“So did Marisol text you today?” Sloane said. I pulled out my phone and realized that she had, asking me if I wanted to be part of a charity dinner she was throwing. You paid like a bazillion dollars for a plate and then a bunch of chefs would cook and they usually had a comedian and a band. I’d done a few of them before, and they’d been fun, but I hadn’t had Lucah with me then. I’d brought Royce to a few and he had abandoned me for the bar, and sometimes the female bartender. Douche.

“So are you going to go?” she said after I’d read the text.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I could go alone and unescorted. I must have a man. But where could I find one?” I pretended to search the room before grabbing Lucah’s arm.

“Found one! You’ll do.” He looked at me as if I’d lost my senses.

“I’ll do for what?”

“Marisol is having a charity dinner. You pay, you eat, you dance, you try to make small talk. It’s a good time.”

Lucah still looked skeptical.

“It’ll be like the Company Ball. Only with the best of Boston society,” I said.

“What’s the charity?” Lucah said.

“Um, Cystic Fibrosis,” I said, reading back the text. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Sloane will make me a fabulous dress and I’ll get to see you in a tux and we’ll dance the night away. Don’t you want to dance with me?” I was really laying it on thick.

“Very well played, Sunshine. You know I can’t say no to you in a dress with the option of getting to dance with you.”

“So you’ll go with me?” He rolled his eyes as if it was a huge inconvenience and I was really putting him out.

“I guess.” I poked him in the chest. “Yes, Miss Clarke, I would be happy to escort you.” He kissed my hand and then twirled me around. Sloane sighed audibly.

“I’m guessing you also want to go,” Ryder said.

“Maybe,” Sloane said, sensing where he was taking this. “If I had someone to take me.” She sang the last part.

“Sorry, I don’t know anyone like that.” He went back to finishing the slice of blueberry pie Sloane had made. She waited for him to tell her he was joking, but he didn’t.

“Ryder?” Lucah said, trying to give him a hint.

“Yes, big brother?” Ryder played innocent. Clearly, he wanted to make a production before he actually asked her.

“You’re being a dick,” Lucah said, pulling me onto his lap.

“Why? What did I do?” Oh, he was good.

“So, I guess I’ll be seeing the two of you at the event? I’ve decided to go by myself. Some people just can’t handle my fabulousness.” Sloane flipped her long dark hair over her shoulder and turned away from Ryder.

“You got that right,” I said, giving her a fist bump.

“Fuck, okay. I’ll take you.” Ryder caved only seconds later. I knew he would. He liked her too much.

“No way. You had your shot. That offer has closed. You’re done.” But I knew she would change her mind. She liked him too much.

After some more back and forth, Sloane agreed to go with Ryder, but it was like pulling teeth.

“So when is this thing?” Ryder asked.

“Uh, in a few weeks. So there’s enough time to make dresses,” I said to Sloane and she had that maniacal gleam in her eye that she got when she got to design something new. I knew she wanted to leave ASAP so she could go back to her place and start sketching out ideas.

“Plenty of time.”

“You’re really excited about this,” Ryder said, staring at Sloane. He’d obviously never seen her in designing mode. It was something to watch.

“There’s nothing that excites Sloane more than the opportunity to design something new. Especially a dress. Have you seen the ones she made for the Company Ball?” I got out my phone and pulled up some pictures.

“You made that?” Ryder said to Sloane as I showed him my dress. I still got shivers every time I saw it. Part of me wanted to just wear that one again, but then another part wanted to see Lucah’s face when I put on a different dress. It would be well worth it, and Sloane would never let me wear the same dress twice. That was a cardinal sin.