Surreptitious (London) (12 page)

Go hard or go home right?!

“Here’s the deal...what happened last week was shit. I hated it. I
still
hate it. But these last few days have been the second worst time in my entire life and I’ve decided I hate that
more.
I wanna read the stupid letter, well...I don’t...but you were right and I
need
to. I’m gonna do it, today, now, with both of you here. I’ll read, I’ll react...then I’ll ‘deal’.” Mase grinned at my use of Jackson’s phrase and I grinned back before going on...”I want to move on...
properly
...I need you” I glanced at Harper “to help me, then I need you...” I swung my eyes to Mase and said “to help me with Jax. I love him too...and I don’t think I knew it until this morning but you weren’t there when he chased me, it wasn’t pretty and I think I’ve got a hell of a fight on my hands to win him back.”

I watched as the smile died on Mase’s face and he shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. He bit the corner of his lip, which was
hot
, looked over towards the window, took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.

“He...I...argh damn. Babe he’s got an um...date...tonight.” I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and my heart started to ache. He said he loved me! And SIX DAYS later he’s on a date! I thought on it for a nanosecond before a wide smile spread across my face. I spotted Mase and Harper share confused glances but I exclaimed...

“That’s perfect!!”

“Um, it doesn’t seem...very
perfect
, to me babe?” This came from Harper, but I didn’t answer her, I waved a hand to the side of my head and said...

“We’ll deal with that in a minute. Just
trust
me on this ok.” I smiled a rueful smile at my choice of words and asked Harp to hand me the letter so I could get that out the way first.

I held it like it would burn me and I felt sick to the stomach but I took a deep breath and slid my finger under the flap to break the seal. Both Mase and Harper we’re biting their lips and preparing for me to break down but it all changed when I opened it out. There were three pages in the envelope; one of them was a letter from the actual prison explaining that they’d sent the letter on behalf of the ‘inmate’.
I fucking love that word when it’s associated with HIM!
Then there was a fucking visitor’s form to get a visit?!
Fuck me; this dude just gets crazier and crazier.
And finally, there was literally a
scrap
of paper, looked like it had been torn from a notepad and there was only writing on one side of it.
That’s not a fucking letter! It’s a note!

Dear Taylor,

I’ll be honest with you, I don’t even really know why I’m writing this to you knowing that you’ll probably never even read it, I just needed to. I know you’ll never forgive me, and I wouldn’t really ask you to do that anyway. I just wanted you to know that I DID love you, you’ll never believe that’s true and it wasn’t part of the plan, but I did. When everything started I was a twenty year old lad who thought that would it be ‘cool’ to earn fast money when Jamie asked me to get involved.

It was never meant to happen like that but even if it hadn’t, I still would have been seriously in the wrong and well...It won’t ever be enough, I know that, but...I’m sorry. Sorrier that you can ever imagine that we did this to you.

I hope you’re ok and have managed to do something with your life better than I did.

I asked the warden to put a visitor’s form in, just because I thought maybe one day you might want more answers.

Matt xxx

I finished reading, flicked the paper over to double check that there was nothing on the other side...and burst into hysterical laughter! I laughed so hard that tears formed, streamed down my face and my vision blurred. Mase frowned and glanced and Harper who looked just as puzzled. He reached for her hand but she slyly pushed him away and glared at him.
Hmm, interesting.

“Are you...are you okay Tay, ‘cause I gotta say, you’re kinda freaking me out!” This came from Harper and I nodded but continued laughing. It eventually turned into a chuckle and then I breathed deep and stopped.

“This...
this
is what I was worried about for five years?! Oh...my...GOD!!”

I handed the
note
over to them and Mase held it between them so they could both read it at the same time. Within seconds Mase was shaking his head and Harp looked like she wanted to commit murder herself. She launched into a rant about, not knowing what love is, wasted sorry’s and ‘stupid bastards writing a
note
to say, oop’s...sorry I killed the only family you had’...but I wasn’t listening. I’d already switched off and started thinking about what Jackson’s reaction would be.

“Shut up Harp! Don’t you get it? It’s nothing to be angry about! It’s pathetic, it’s a waste of fucking paper and it means jack shit to me!! I always believed that reading that would be the final, for want of a better phrase, ‘nail in my coffin’. I was shit scared, like cower-in-the-corner
petrified
of reading whatever was in that envelope. But it’s
nothing!
Are all my fears gone? No, obviously not, but I felt like I was taking a huge leap of faith today and the whole thing took me less than a minute and it was EASY!! This is a
good
thing!” She stared at me for a few beats before her shoulders slumped and she said...

“Oh...well...okay then. I’m really happy for you Tay.” She clapped her hands together and exclaimed “So, that was easy, but what we gonna do about Jax?”

I smirked and Mase muttered “Oh shit, Jax is screwed!” I nodded in agreement with his statement and began informing them of my plan. By the time I’d finished, Harper was bouncing up and down on the spot and giggling and Mase just smiled and shook his head at me murmuring...”Yeah, Jax is really
really
screwed. Never thought I’d see the day he met his match!”

GAME ON JACKSON BRENT! How does it feel to be a pawn in one of my games for a change?!

I asked Harper to stay behind for a few minutes when we’d finished and she automatically agreed. Her face was openly curious, but I know she would have stayed anyway being as she could sense I needed her. I watched as Mase almost edged towards her before he left but she flicked her gaze to him and they seemed to have some sort of silent conversation before he sighed, winked at me, then strolled out the door.
Interesting.

I frowned, wondering what the hell was going on between my best friend and Jackson’s brother. I wanted her to be happy, and Mase was such a good guy. I knew Harper could sense my excitement because she scowled at me and muttered, “Do not.”

Seeing as I was in the middle of my own personal drama, I let her have her play, but she knew I’d be back for more eventually. I took a deep breath before asking...

“What do you think Harp? Think I’m doing the right thing?” I despised the doubt in my voice. I’d never doubted myself and I couldn’t decide if it really was a good thing that I had started then. I shouldn’t have worried though, I knew I could rely on Harper to tell me how it was, never beats around the bush that girl.

“Damn right, you’re doing the
best
thing you could be doing. You don’t even have him back yet and I can already see the light shining in your eyes. It’ so damn beautiful babe and I’ve missed it. Missed it so much in fact that I wanna take a picture, a god damn photo of your gorgeous eyes just so whenever,
if
ever, that light dims, I can reassure myself, and you, that it really is there somewhere.”

My eyes welled up, and try as I might to prevent it, they spilled over and ran down my cheeks. Harp instinctively pulled me closer, holding me against her and stroking my hair. She continued talking to me in a soft but reassuring voice, it was nice, it was beautiful and it made my tears turn into full-blown sobs. Good tears, happy tears...
real
tears.

“Babe, you are my rock. You’re
everything
to me, but I’ve never really been everything to you, not in the same way...” My breath stuck in my throat and I was about to disagree with her, when she quickly went on...

“I
depend
on you. You’ve never depended on me. It’s different, you want me around, sure, obviously, we’re best friends, but I
need
you around. You’ve held everything inside for so long, acting at life, and it
killed
me to watch it. You think you fooled me? You didn’t. I saw it, I lived it even...I just...It might be selfish...it
is
selfish...but I was so scared that if you found yourself, if you realised that your world could be so much bigger and so much more beautiful, you wouldn’t be around all the time like you have been. You think I don’t feel guilty? Chick, that shit has been eating me up inside. But I figured, when Jax came into your life, I’d make him my
gift
to you. You thought that I was betraying your trust when I helped him get to the heart of you babe, but that wasn’t it. I was helping him, to help myself. I helped him do it, get right deep down to the heart of you, because babe, I wanna be there too.”

The dam broke. I was balling in her arms, full-out sobbing. And for the first time
ever
, in my life, I didn’t care. I let her have it all, my tears, my heartbreak, my past, my future,
everything.
I knew, after this, what she’d done, and what I was going to do, we would be stronger. More importantly
I
would be.

Chapter nineteen

Jackson

I was in hell. It was official...I’d lost my mind, died and gone to hell! Sitting across the table in some fancy-assed restaurant listening to a woman I have
no
interest in talk about her fuckin’ Chihuahua for the last twenty minutes, yeah, my definition of utter
hell.

I spent the last week feeling stupidly sorry for myself. I’m a man for fuck sake, men don’t mope! Men might brood for a while, but then they go and lift weights, race cars, play football...do MAN things.

Did I do those things? Nope.

I moped…For FIVE WHOLE DAYS!!
! I went to work, I went home, I slept...though not easily...and then I got up, went to work, went home...and I
fuckin’
slept. That’s it. So I decided I needed to do something, I needed to take my mind off Taylor and her fucking beautiful face...a date. I needed a date. I couldn’t have anything that reminded me of Taylor so I went in the opposite direction.

So I sat there, listening to god damn
Cassie
talking about pansy-assed dogs that look more like rats. I drowned out her squeaky fucking voice and stared out the window of the restaurant wondering whether it was worth taking her home and fucking her anyway even if she was borderline psychotic. I figured that might get Taylor out of my system, but then again maybe not seeing as I was pretty certain she’d even giggle during sex.
Arghhhhh!

I was still staring out the window, when I was sure I caught a glance of a familiar sexy figure storm past the window but at the same time
Cassie
screeched...

“Are you even listening to me?” I cringed at the sound of her voice but answered...

“What? Oh yeah, sure...of course.” She narrowed her eyes at me and asked me what she’d been talking about and
shit
I had no idea. I wracked my brain for a few seconds and replied, “uh, you were talking about the new coat you ordered for your dog that was ‘the perfect shade of pink to bring out her eyes’?”

Fact...she actually said that!

“Er, no, I told you
that
five minutes ago. I can’t believe this, I’m sharing all this with you, important details about my life, and you’re not even...” She was cut off from her rant when a familiar voice SHOUTED across the restaurant as she neared our table...

“OH MY GOD!! YOU’RE JACKSON BRENT!! I’M SUCH A HUGE FAN!! I guess I’m probably not your usual type, but please could I have your autograph?”

Other customers were openly watching us with avid fascination when
Cassie
piped up with “a huge fan of what?” Now what our random visitor said next knocked me for six and I couldn’t decide whether to be seriously pissed the fuck off, or just piss myself laughing.

“Gay porn...”
She answered as if it was obvious. I choked on my drink and my eye brows nearly hit my hairline before she continued “Seriously, off-the-charts
hot
! I’ve always been partial to a giver rather than a taker, and trust me girl, this guy can
give!”
She fanned her face with her hand and blew out a breath. I jumped in to defend myself but
Cassie
got there before me and spluttered...

“G-gay p-porn? What the fuck? I can’t believe I’ve even been seen out in public with you. Eww.
I think I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life. You need to stay away from me FOR GOOD.” And with that, she stood up fast enough to knock her chair over and sashayed out of the restaurant. I stared after her for a few seconds before I heard random chuckling from a few tables, and more importantly...from my fucking visitor.

She picked up the chair, set it on the floor, sat down and crossed her legs under the table whilst pouring herself a glass of wine from the bottle on the table. I just stared.
What the fuck?!
Seeing as she didn’t seem to be looking to speak any time soon, I did.

“What the fuck was that? And why the hell are you even here Taylor?” She grinned a shit-eating grin at me and proudly declared.

“I’m here to stop you doing something stupid, I’m here because she was a skank and you, my dear, have better taste than that...and what was that? Well that...was seriously
seriously
hilarious! Ingenious on my part...if I do say so myself” She smiled sheepishly and shrugged her shoulders as if her answer was
again
obvious.

Damn I loved her smile.

I really didn’t know whether to throttle her or kiss her, I’d have preferred the latter, but the former was probably the right action to take under the circumstances. I wanted her back,
badly
but I couldn’t keep following at her heels while she dragged everyone down with her cloaked emotions. I decided almost immediately to throw caution to the wind and lay it all out there one last time, to see if there was anything worth rescuing so I grabbed her hand, threw some notes down on the table and pulled her outside. She spoke before me saying...

“Jax, slow down...argh stop!
Listen to me for a second…I want you back, I
really
want you back! I’ve been miserable this week. But still, I’m scared, petrified actually. I’ve trusted you slightly in the past and you betrayed me, yeah it might have worked out for the best afterwards, not that you know that yet, see I invited Harper and Jase round earlier...shit no...I’ll explain all that later...so anyway...I’m scared of your world and the way you live your life and...” I placed a hand on her shoulder and told her to breathe before I took over the conversation because she wasn’t making a lick of sense.

“You really can’t see it can you baby girl? You ARE my world. I’m not trying to make you fit into it, I’m not changing to fit yours, it’s just you and everything about you. You dropping your keys all those weeks ago, was the best damn thing that ever happened to me. Before you, damn girl everything was just...there. It was just...stuff. I wish...sooo god damn much that I didn’t have to fight you for every last thing I wanna do for you, but hey, if it means I get to have you in my bed at night and wake up to your beautiful face in the morning, then baby girl I’d fight to my dying breath to get that. I never understood what the deal with love was, just thought people should get over themselves and stop being so bloody pussy-whipped but....”

I didn’t get to finish the end of my sentence because she pressed her entire body against me, pulled my head forward and slammed her mouth down on mine. The force behind her kiss made me rock back on my feet but I steadied myself and pulled her tighter against me. There was nothing seductive or slow about it, we were trying to climb inside each other and part of me was wondering what the hell had bought this on, but damn, she tasted like cherries and summer days and I wasn’t wasting a second of it!

Taylor

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!
I seriously couldn’t figure out what had possessed me, all I knew was that if I didn’t kiss him right then and there, I’d literally just die!! I needed him more than I needed the air around me and frankly, before my brain could process the feeling too much, my body made the decision for me. Wow...just wow, we’d kissed before, but nothing like this, he growled into my mouth and took over control of the kiss with precision like I’d never known, I was pressed to him from head to toe and he pushed his knee in between my legs and because of the height difference his thigh was doing delicious things to my insides.

It could have been a minute, it could have been an hour but eventually I broke away from him but rested my forehead against his chest, my whole body shuddered and he squeezed me tighter. His heart was beating as hard and fast as mine and we were both panting for breath.
ALL THAT FROM A BLOODY KISS?! ...DAMN!!

“I...” I started to speak but he cut me off.

“Please baby, please don’t say that kiss didn’t mean anything. You fucking devoured my mouth Tay! We were made for each other and if you think I’m walking away from us now, you couldn’t be more wrong. No more running baby girl...”

Before he could carry on with another one of his speeches that usually ended with my bawling my eyes out or me wanting to punch something...or some
one
, I put my hand across his mouth so I could attempt to speak and shouted...

“SHUT UP!”

He looked up to the sky and pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath to control himself and then waved his hand towards me so I removed my hand...and frankly...shocked the shit out of him!

“I agree.” His face was a picture, like a fucking cartoon character... his jaw dropped open and his entire frame froze but I continued before he could speak.

“I can’t fight you anymore Jax. I think I’ve known for a long time that you’ve always been right, but I’m not gonna lie and say it’s going to be easy from here because it won’t. I’m stubborn as fuck, I really don’t give a shit what I say to people, I’m honest to a fault and I ALWAYS get what I want! I know you’ve been on the receiving end of most my stupid faults but that’s just me babe and if you think that me agreeing with you and actually giving us a shot means I’m suddenly gonna play miss-nice then you couldn’t be more wrong. I might be yours, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna change...I’m not.” I grinned up at him sheepishly and finished with “I guess I’ll just try and tone down the arguing-with-you-over-every-god-damn-thing shit yeah?”

It seemed like we stood there forever staring at each other and my stomach clenched at the slight doubt in my mind that this was just a game to him after all because he just wouldn’t bloody say anything.

“Jax? Please say something, you’re kind of worrying me!”

He still didn’t speak but he stepped forward and picked me up, supporting me with his forearm and I automatically wrapped my legs round him and put my arms around his neck. What he said next rocked my world more than he normally did.

“Baby girl, two months, three days, and about...” he glanced down at his watch and carried on...”three hours ago, you literally walked straight into my world and I knew from when you threw that bitch-attitude my way at the club that nothing would ever be the same for me. Sass, sarcasm, screaming matches in the street, and a whole load of other bullshit along the way, right now, leaning against this car, standing outside this restaurant, holding you completely in my arms with you looking at me like I’m the only guy in the fucking world, I wouldn’t change a single...fucking...
second
of it. It took a lot of shit and far to fucking long to get here, but I’m NOTHING without you, and now we’re equal. We’re fucking
EVERYTHING
.”

“I’m willing to give this all I’ve got Jax, I really am, I love you with everything I have” I failed to notice his body freezing over my words and continued regardless...”But there is something I want from you...no more lies Jax, no more secrets and whatever it is that’s causing those shadows behind your eyes, you need to let go of. I can’t and won’t have you hiding from me considering you’ve spent how long getting me to open up. You have it all now, all my secrets, fears and worries. I won’t let you carry everything inside you. I’m yours and you need to share with me, let me shoulder some of that load with you.”

“I don’t know why you hated your parents so much, or why you won’t talk to me about them but it bothers me. You pushed and pushed and
pushed
with me, and in the end you
forced
me to face my demons. But yours are buried so deep inside you, you won’t even speak about it at all. It’s not healthy and it’s not right. Do you know who taught me that? YOU DID. Yet you can’t take your own advice?”

“I need you to do this for me. I need you to talk about your past, even if it’s not to me...then to Harper, or...well I don’t know...shit...this is what I mean, I don’t know anything about your life! I don’t know any of your friends or your family, except Mase and Ruben. I don’t know where you came from, where you grew up, how you went from nothing, to owning three clubs. Nothing. I’m in love with the here and now with you, but I want more. I want your past, present and your
future.
” I said the word
future
on a whisper because it suddenly hit me just how huge that was. But it didn’t make me feel ill and it didn’t make me want to run screaming in the opposite direction...it felt...exciting, freeing...
real.

“I know...I’m trying baby girl, but the whole time I’ve known you, I’ve been trying to help you overcome the shit you were
still
going through. It’s different with me, I don’t have ‘demons’ as such, I just have a shit past and I don’t like to talk about it because I don’t want to relive it. I’ll tell you though, I promise you I will, slowly. It’s not pretty, it’s fuck ugly, it’s messy, it’s brutal and it’s shocking, but if you want it. I’ll let you have it.”